These are the kind of nights when I don't know literally whether I'll see daylight.
Everytime I try to Live, life has a way of slapping me down like a dog who shat on the floor.
What I did today is literally a coin-flip of coming out good or very, very bad.
God help me I wish I knew so I could sleep tonite.
I kissed someone that wasn't my ex-girlfriend tonite.
I'm afraid and stimulated at the same time and it's scary.
We had become friends at work, we shared stories about out breakups and heart-aches.
We talked for hours on AIM, her life quite a soap opera.
I offered council and told her about my life.
I walked her out to her car tonite and we talked a little, I gave her a hug.
The hug lasted a long time, and out of my mouth came the words that neither came from my head or my dick.
"May I kiss you?"
She said :" Do you want to?"
I said "Yes."
And we kissed.
She had soft lips and her mouth tastes nice and we shared the same kind of hunger that lonely people do.
It lasted for ages it seemed. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed my parent's truck parked out in front of the store.
"Oh god, my ride's here." I said.
We shared goodbyes and I walked over to the truck.
I felt lighter and and dazed.
I had a conversation on the way home only half of which I remember.
She said she's be online tonite, I've been online since 12:30 am.
It's 2 am now.
Her absence makes me afraid I did the wrong thing, that I was a fool.
A lonely fool just wanting to feel something after being alone for so long.
I hope I can sleep tonite.
D-
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Current Mix CD
Elliott Smith :Unreleased (From A Basement On The Hill II)
The Donnas - Gold Medal
The Dandy Warhols -Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia
Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary [2005]
Jets to Brazil - Orange Rhyming Dictionary
Spoon - Gimme Fiction
The Harvey Girls
The Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone
The Go! Team - Thunder Lightning Strike (2004)
D-
The Donnas - Gold Medal
The Dandy Warhols -Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia
Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary [2005]
Jets to Brazil - Orange Rhyming Dictionary
Spoon - Gimme Fiction
The Harvey Girls
The Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone
The Go! Team - Thunder Lightning Strike (2004)
D-
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
The mercy seat
I'm deep into the dark cave that is the bad mood that has infected my soul.
This place hasn't changed, it's all glass and bad lighting reflected on my scalp reminding me of the hairline that I inherited from my father.
The people are self involved to the point of eyes and faces scrubbed clean from perfect manikins. It's the sickness in my heart made plain from coming back to this place. It's the ocean maybe. Large vast rolling pushing the space around like a ragdoll.
It's the sickness of the unwanted, the uninluded, the maladroit. The only people who want to have anything to do with you are a reflection on my ugly soul an they are few and far between.
The lack of sex is something I can deal with it's the loneliness that hurts the most. No-one wants to be with the awkward one, no one has the time or the energy to reach out to the lonely one.
Cellphones are an invention turned rotten and used as barriers to anyone outside their circle. Tribal warfare, non inclusion, the ugliness of the human race.
I fear I will be stuck with someone ugly for the rest of my life. I see it everyday. We all settle because we are alone and it brings out the desperation. Depression. A cold hand is a hand. Abuse is negative attention, but it IS attention.
I'm rambling because I get so tired I can't sleep. The minutes tick on and slip from fingers while my mind thinks to fill the time when the body begs for sleep. It's times like these I wish I drank like my grandfather.
I just want someone who understands the dark parts inside me, who will look at me with affection, and humor my "addictions"...
D-
This place hasn't changed, it's all glass and bad lighting reflected on my scalp reminding me of the hairline that I inherited from my father.
The people are self involved to the point of eyes and faces scrubbed clean from perfect manikins. It's the sickness in my heart made plain from coming back to this place. It's the ocean maybe. Large vast rolling pushing the space around like a ragdoll.
It's the sickness of the unwanted, the uninluded, the maladroit. The only people who want to have anything to do with you are a reflection on my ugly soul an they are few and far between.
The lack of sex is something I can deal with it's the loneliness that hurts the most. No-one wants to be with the awkward one, no one has the time or the energy to reach out to the lonely one.
Cellphones are an invention turned rotten and used as barriers to anyone outside their circle. Tribal warfare, non inclusion, the ugliness of the human race.
I fear I will be stuck with someone ugly for the rest of my life. I see it everyday. We all settle because we are alone and it brings out the desperation. Depression. A cold hand is a hand. Abuse is negative attention, but it IS attention.
I'm rambling because I get so tired I can't sleep. The minutes tick on and slip from fingers while my mind thinks to fill the time when the body begs for sleep. It's times like these I wish I drank like my grandfather.
I just want someone who understands the dark parts inside me, who will look at me with affection, and humor my "addictions"...
D-
Monday, September 05, 2005
Hell has frozen over
Go here, click on the link that says "Shepard Smith/Geraldo Rivera on Fox (.wmv 5.1 MB)"
When the most pro-Bush biased news network starts to make noise about how this Govt. of ours has dropped the ball in the wake of Katerina, like, wow.
Geraldo Rivera (and Shepard Smith) grows a set of testes...
When the most pro-Bush biased news network starts to make noise about how this Govt. of ours has dropped the ball in the wake of Katerina, like, wow.
Geraldo Rivera (and Shepard Smith) grows a set of testes...
Friday, August 26, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Hunter S. Thompson ashes blown from cannon
Drowned in Sound - News - Exclusive pics: Hunter S. Thompson ashes blown from cannon
The late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be blown out of a cannon on Saturday 20th August in Woody Creek, Colorado - and DiS has world exclusive pictures.
The journalist and author will be blasted from the gonzo shaped device, Thompson's signature fist and dagger symbol, by his friend Johnny Depp.
Other guests expected include Sean Penn, Bill Murray and Jack Nicholson.
A security guard at the site said: "Saturday's going to be crazy, the sheriffs are going to be looking after a lot of A-listers coming up to Woody Creek."
The late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be blown out of a cannon on Saturday 20th August in Woody Creek, Colorado - and DiS has world exclusive pictures.
The journalist and author will be blasted from the gonzo shaped device, Thompson's signature fist and dagger symbol, by his friend Johnny Depp.
Other guests expected include Sean Penn, Bill Murray and Jack Nicholson.
A security guard at the site said: "Saturday's going to be crazy, the sheriffs are going to be looking after a lot of A-listers coming up to Woody Creek."
Thursday, August 18, 2005
The Ineffiable Facts of Losing Sleep
In the wee hours my brain tries to fill the time, it comes up with bullshit tasks that prevent me from sleeping. That file that needs to be downloaded, that program that needs to be tweeked. The computer has become my small world. The only thing that can be manipulated at will. My bringer of music and porn.
I have been thinking of trying to find some sort of human companionship again. God, I hate chatrooms. It's like going into a room and everyone is talking to each other and doesn't even notice you enter the room.
Kind of like real life now that I think of it.
I need to be something more than I am, a symbol of hope to the hopless, something that will bring fear to my enemies.
I Know! I shall Become A Bat!
(just kidding)
I can't count on it just dropping into my lap. The last time that happened said person couldn't cope with my baggage. I feel uncomfortable looking for someone. I'm the most self loathing person on the west coast (other than pornstars who do golden showers or shiza movies), why in the blue fuck would someone want to...um, fuck me?
She would have to be into some of the same things I am, comics, music, books.
Ohhhhh, I need a Geeky Woman
Ohhhhh, I need a Geeky Girl.
(With opologies to Pink Floyd)
D-
I have been thinking of trying to find some sort of human companionship again. God, I hate chatrooms. It's like going into a room and everyone is talking to each other and doesn't even notice you enter the room.
Kind of like real life now that I think of it.
I need to be something more than I am, a symbol of hope to the hopless, something that will bring fear to my enemies.
I Know! I shall Become A Bat!
(just kidding)
I can't count on it just dropping into my lap. The last time that happened said person couldn't cope with my baggage. I feel uncomfortable looking for someone. I'm the most self loathing person on the west coast (other than pornstars who do golden showers or shiza movies), why in the blue fuck would someone want to...um, fuck me?
She would have to be into some of the same things I am, comics, music, books.
Ohhhhh, I need a Geeky Woman
Ohhhhh, I need a Geeky Girl.
(With opologies to Pink Floyd)
D-
Monday, August 15, 2005
Elliott Smith Cover Album @ Revolution In The Head
Revolution In The Head
A darn fine music blog. Elliot Smith is getting me through a rough patch right now. So go over and check it out.
A darn fine music blog. Elliot Smith is getting me through a rough patch right now. So go over and check it out.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
I'm never going to know you now/But I'm going to love you anyhow
Sometimes when life hands you a lift up it's only to kick you in the shorts.
I admit it was my fault that it ended the way it did. I had been so alone for it seemed like ages. Someone comes into you life, and you instantly have a connection with, you open up. Like a clam with the heat on.
She was so sweet, and nice. She said she wanted to hear about my break-up. She was getting over someone too. She refused to talk about it, and even then in the vaguest terms.
So, I told her. BIG MISTAKE.
It overloaded her empathic Synapses like boiling water on cool flesh. I remember sitting there recounting my Jerry Bruckheimer-Style Disaster of a first relationship/ Breakup. Her eyes were wide like an Anime character. My face was hot talking about what went down, and it wasn't the half eaten chicken burrito in front of me (even though it was muy calyente). I felt drained. The wounds were still wet to the touch. I ruined my chances with this girl right there and I didn't know it until last night.
I popped up yahoo messenger and saw here there. I said hi she said
"Read Your Email. I can't talk right now."
I remember when my ex would tell me to check my e-mail bad shit was about to come down.
Second verse, Same as the first...
The e-mail was written in very cold language. An eviction notice written by a psycologist.
She felt the need to distance herself from my pain. I couldn't say that I blamed her. She told me I should seek therapy. I don't have insurance right now.
I sent her an e-mail back, tried to not sound terribly hurt (which I was), tried to be funny (which I do when I'm hurt), inplied I was having feelings for her ( I was going to ask her to 'go steady' on our next outing).
I sent her an mp3 of a song I had stuck in my head the day before. The main stanza being:
"I'm Never Going To Know You Now / But I'm Going To Love You Anyhow"
Elliot Smith, Waltz #2 (XO)
I didn't know how prophetic it would be.
D-
I admit it was my fault that it ended the way it did. I had been so alone for it seemed like ages. Someone comes into you life, and you instantly have a connection with, you open up. Like a clam with the heat on.
She was so sweet, and nice. She said she wanted to hear about my break-up. She was getting over someone too. She refused to talk about it, and even then in the vaguest terms.
So, I told her. BIG MISTAKE.
It overloaded her empathic Synapses like boiling water on cool flesh. I remember sitting there recounting my Jerry Bruckheimer-Style Disaster of a first relationship/ Breakup. Her eyes were wide like an Anime character. My face was hot talking about what went down, and it wasn't the half eaten chicken burrito in front of me (even though it was muy calyente). I felt drained. The wounds were still wet to the touch. I ruined my chances with this girl right there and I didn't know it until last night.
I popped up yahoo messenger and saw here there. I said hi she said
"Read Your Email. I can't talk right now."
I remember when my ex would tell me to check my e-mail bad shit was about to come down.
Second verse, Same as the first...
The e-mail was written in very cold language. An eviction notice written by a psycologist.
She felt the need to distance herself from my pain. I couldn't say that I blamed her. She told me I should seek therapy. I don't have insurance right now.
I sent her an e-mail back, tried to not sound terribly hurt (which I was), tried to be funny (which I do when I'm hurt), inplied I was having feelings for her ( I was going to ask her to 'go steady' on our next outing).
I sent her an mp3 of a song I had stuck in my head the day before. The main stanza being:
"I'm Never Going To Know You Now / But I'm Going To Love You Anyhow"
Elliot Smith, Waltz #2 (XO)
I didn't know how prophetic it would be.
D-
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Dr Gonzo's ashes to be shot out of cannon
ModBlog - gm's mp3 blorg
http://geneticmaterial.modblog.com/?show=gallery&view=full&image=236138
The organisers of a memorial service for writer Hunter S Thompson are to build a 150 foot-high tower from which to fire his ashes. Who is funding this extraordinary monument? Johnny Depp will foot the bill for the structure and the memorial, due to take place on August 20th. Depp, who played Thompson in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, and who is also set to star in The Rum Diary, obviously has a strong admiration for the late author.
During the ceremony, a cannon sitting on top of the structure willfire off the ashes over Thompson's Colorado ranch. Hunter, who was 67,committed suicide in February and always had this particular wish of celebration to commemorate his death. Going out with a bang, literally.
Join Equis is the event producer, and he revealed that the tower will be 12 feet wide and will resemble the Thompson trademark "Gonzo fist”.The event will be a very private celebration of his successes and another ceremony about his life will be set for another date.
Thompson's hilarious genius and ability to pin-point bureaucracy and idiosyncrasies in society saw him gain a cult following from readers worldwide.
Hunter lived life by his own plan, and he will never be forgotten due to his legacy of great works left behind.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Friday, July 08, 2005
Jessica Alba said "Punani"....huh huh huh, cool.
MAXIM ONLINE:
Certainly sounds interesting…
"[Stripping is] all about getting tips and showing the punani and simulating masturbation and sex acts. It's not interesting."
Comic Books @ Maximonline.com
MAXIM ONLINE:
Batman: The Killing Joke
(DC)
Forget Batman Begins, Alan Moore's definitive story of the Joker's genesis is one of the most coveted coming-out parties in comics. Juxtaposed beside his origin is a present-day attempt by the Joker to prove any man can turn batshit when he shoots Commissioner Gordon's daughter (a.k.a. Batgirl) through the spine and subjects him to a circus of sanity-shaking inhumanities.
Batman: The Killing Joke
(DC)
Forget Batman Begins, Alan Moore's definitive story of the Joker's genesis is one of the most coveted coming-out parties in comics. Juxtaposed beside his origin is a present-day attempt by the Joker to prove any man can turn batshit when he shoots Commissioner Gordon's daughter (a.k.a. Batgirl) through the spine and subjects him to a circus of sanity-shaking inhumanities.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
My life is slowly killing me
I haven't added anything to this blog in a while. I've been in a world class funk as of late. The job has been leeching alot of energy from anything that gives me any joy. The turbulance of the last half year has left me with nothing to hang my hat on emotionaly. My friends in Baltimore have stopped writing me. Part of me understands this, people have lives and they move forward. The other half of me in lonely and just wants someone to gab at. Everyone at work has lives outside of work. They are either military wifes, have families and boyfriends and girlfriends to occupy their spare time.
Ontop of that to quote Greenday "masterbation has lost it's fun". I wish I knew someone wanted me. That someone would see me and the warm jelly inside my chest needing the peanutbutter of human closeness and say, why not?
God my head hurts,
D-
Ontop of that to quote Greenday "masterbation has lost it's fun". I wish I knew someone wanted me. That someone would see me and the warm jelly inside my chest needing the peanutbutter of human closeness and say, why not?
God my head hurts,
D-
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Friday, May 27, 2005
an experiment. part uno
I wake up with a start.
I look up at the stucco ceiling of the hotel room and remember where I am. I'm in a hotel room in Paris. I feel the warmth next to me and remember I'm not alone. Her perfume fills my nostrils and I smile.
The room is dark all but the grey morning light streaking though the parted curtains. I entertain the thought of turning on the lamp (which somehow fell on the floor). I get up and find my underwear on the floor, pull them on, then I look over at her. She's beautiful even with her make-up smeared. Her lovely breasts rise and and fall on her chest as she sleeps for the first time in days. She was so scared a few hours ago.
A week ago I was in Brussels finishing a job helping out a friend on a protection job. A human rights activist was getting death threats and they needed someone who could handle themselves in a firefight. Luckily it didn't come to that.
My european contact called me with another job. An american actress needs a bodyguard. I figure, why not? Little did I know I'd end up having desperate, hot, sweaty sex with her.
I remembered where I put my sidearm, on the table by the door. A Para-Ordinance P-14 .45 Auto. I had almost considered using a Sig Saur 9 millimeter (since I was in Europe) but I decided against it.
I sat down at the small work desk and booted up my laptop. While it warmed up I checked the mag and the chamber of the .45.
I looked over at the bed again, she was stirring. I remembered what we went through the night before. I had been protecting her for a week and a half while she met with a high powered producer. She was being stalked by some half wit and it scared her. I tried to make her more at ease, made her laugh at the whole thing. Last night we came back from a dinner party at the the producer's mansion and found this stalker gooing though her underwear drawer. He charged at me with a knife and I put two hollowpoints in his chest.
I spent a few hours at the local police station making out a statement. She was waiting for me when I was done, the press was crushing in on us as we hustled out of there. I checked us in to two rooms at the local Hiatt. I called for room service.
......to be continued
D-
I look up at the stucco ceiling of the hotel room and remember where I am. I'm in a hotel room in Paris. I feel the warmth next to me and remember I'm not alone. Her perfume fills my nostrils and I smile.
The room is dark all but the grey morning light streaking though the parted curtains. I entertain the thought of turning on the lamp (which somehow fell on the floor). I get up and find my underwear on the floor, pull them on, then I look over at her. She's beautiful even with her make-up smeared. Her lovely breasts rise and and fall on her chest as she sleeps for the first time in days. She was so scared a few hours ago.
A week ago I was in Brussels finishing a job helping out a friend on a protection job. A human rights activist was getting death threats and they needed someone who could handle themselves in a firefight. Luckily it didn't come to that.
My european contact called me with another job. An american actress needs a bodyguard. I figure, why not? Little did I know I'd end up having desperate, hot, sweaty sex with her.
I remembered where I put my sidearm, on the table by the door. A Para-Ordinance P-14 .45 Auto. I had almost considered using a Sig Saur 9 millimeter (since I was in Europe) but I decided against it.
I sat down at the small work desk and booted up my laptop. While it warmed up I checked the mag and the chamber of the .45.
I looked over at the bed again, she was stirring. I remembered what we went through the night before. I had been protecting her for a week and a half while she met with a high powered producer. She was being stalked by some half wit and it scared her. I tried to make her more at ease, made her laugh at the whole thing. Last night we came back from a dinner party at the the producer's mansion and found this stalker gooing though her underwear drawer. He charged at me with a knife and I put two hollowpoints in his chest.
I spent a few hours at the local police station making out a statement. She was waiting for me when I was done, the press was crushing in on us as we hustled out of there. I checked us in to two rooms at the local Hiatt. I called for room service.
......to be continued
D-
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Funnier than a barrel of monkey-nuts...
As Martin Sargent used to say..."Dear Blog"
I haven't been posting lately because I'm back in the work force once again and it's kicking my ass. I've been working the closing shift at the Bullseye Barn (not it's real name) for the last two weeks (or is it three?). A different position w/ new people on my feet all day running, straightening, helping people find shit they don't need, step 'n' fetchit bullshit. My feet feel like raw hamburger at the end of the day and my knees feel like all the cartelidge is gone.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my Mom's birthday and I don't get my first check 'til Friday. Luckily she's cool with this and I'll get her something nice a.s.a.p. I will finally get to see Star Wars III tomorrow also. Yay for me. Two days off will be so nice.
Man, I need to get laid. If I don't get to spank one off before work I'm like a raw nerve whenever a hot chick comes into view. Then I wonder what type of girl would be interested in a guy like me and then well... hope dies another death like lovers in a madhouse.
D-
I haven't been posting lately because I'm back in the work force once again and it's kicking my ass. I've been working the closing shift at the Bullseye Barn (not it's real name) for the last two weeks (or is it three?). A different position w/ new people on my feet all day running, straightening, helping people find shit they don't need, step 'n' fetchit bullshit. My feet feel like raw hamburger at the end of the day and my knees feel like all the cartelidge is gone.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my Mom's birthday and I don't get my first check 'til Friday. Luckily she's cool with this and I'll get her something nice a.s.a.p. I will finally get to see Star Wars III tomorrow also. Yay for me. Two days off will be so nice.
Man, I need to get laid. If I don't get to spank one off before work I'm like a raw nerve whenever a hot chick comes into view. Then I wonder what type of girl would be interested in a guy like me and then well... hope dies another death like lovers in a madhouse.
D-
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Dennis Miller, Cancelled again!
Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah....whooooo...hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
click here
click here
Monday, May 09, 2005
Ode to the Sex Blog or Why I'm not gettin' any
I once took one of those Eharmony personality tests, they told me they had no matches for me. Hell, I could have told them that.
I have a gloomy outlook when it comes to finding someone to love here in California. I have never really fit in here, I know I was somewhat deluded in thinking I would be the same person here I was there, in Baltimore.
I've looked at the personals @yahoo.com, the thought of reaching out to any of these people is scary. I've always been different, neurotic, had odd thoughts and practices. Edgar Alan Poe or Bill Hicks could only have been laid if they were rich & or famous. I've found out the hard way that funny, smart, and loving can only work for so long. Then the bill comes due. If you don't have anything in your pockets but a worn out library card, some spare change, a pocket knife, and a Batman key chain you might as well buy a copy of Playboy and some aloe vera handlotion. I hope everyday that this is just one relationship that's going to end this way and it's just the exception. That woman aren't just after the things my ex was.
I just got the new Playboy yesturday if you're curious...
Who would I want if I could choose? Maybe someone who is the opposite of me in some ways but the same in others. Someone who will bang the dings out of my chassis, make me feel whole and a part of the world. A nerd, a geek, smarter than me but yet stupid enough to be with me. lol
Someone younger than me when I feel old. Someone who wants to play with me and my dirty mind. Someone thinner than me so she can ride ontop. Someone who wants to fuck me and suck me and someone I want to fuck and suck ('cause I love making a woman cum, goddamn it's been too long)
.
Someone who looks at me and smiles when she sees me. Is it so much to ask?
HAH, maybe so....
D-
I have a gloomy outlook when it comes to finding someone to love here in California. I have never really fit in here, I know I was somewhat deluded in thinking I would be the same person here I was there, in Baltimore.
I've looked at the personals @yahoo.com, the thought of reaching out to any of these people is scary. I've always been different, neurotic, had odd thoughts and practices. Edgar Alan Poe or Bill Hicks could only have been laid if they were rich & or famous. I've found out the hard way that funny, smart, and loving can only work for so long. Then the bill comes due. If you don't have anything in your pockets but a worn out library card, some spare change, a pocket knife, and a Batman key chain you might as well buy a copy of Playboy and some aloe vera handlotion. I hope everyday that this is just one relationship that's going to end this way and it's just the exception. That woman aren't just after the things my ex was.
I just got the new Playboy yesturday if you're curious...
Who would I want if I could choose? Maybe someone who is the opposite of me in some ways but the same in others. Someone who will bang the dings out of my chassis, make me feel whole and a part of the world. A nerd, a geek, smarter than me but yet stupid enough to be with me. lol
Someone younger than me when I feel old. Someone who wants to play with me and my dirty mind. Someone thinner than me so she can ride ontop. Someone who wants to fuck me and suck me and someone I want to fuck and suck ('cause I love making a woman cum, goddamn it's been too long)
.
Someone who looks at me and smiles when she sees me. Is it so much to ask?
HAH, maybe so....
D-
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Melancholy and the Fear and Loathing of working retail
I just got my new glasses friday and it's talking me much too long getting used to them.
It's either that or the fact I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. My head hurts and I'm depressed.
I go to get my schedule at work tomorrow. It grinds me up inside that I have to go back there again. I have to work on the floor this time around so I have to deal with having a new and different level of crap to deal with in an old wrapper. I figure I'll either go so slow and be so dim because of my depression and lack of energy because of it they'll fire me. Being fired is one of my re-occcuring nightmares because I hate the thought of being so bad at what I'm doing that they have to get rid of me. I have enough of my own self loathing I don't need anymore from other people.
You have to be a little braindead in the first place to work in retail. It's the self awareness that kills you. Having to be nice to people who wouldn't shit on you if you were in flames.
I honestly feel like crying. I never wanted to go back there, even if it was inevitable.
Money is what makes the world go 'round. It trumps everything. Love included. I should know, it broke up my only relationship I've ever had. I'm living at home again because of it. I had to leave all my friends back east because of it.
No sex makes dan a dull boy...
D-
It's either that or the fact I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. My head hurts and I'm depressed.
I go to get my schedule at work tomorrow. It grinds me up inside that I have to go back there again. I have to work on the floor this time around so I have to deal with having a new and different level of crap to deal with in an old wrapper. I figure I'll either go so slow and be so dim because of my depression and lack of energy because of it they'll fire me. Being fired is one of my re-occcuring nightmares because I hate the thought of being so bad at what I'm doing that they have to get rid of me. I have enough of my own self loathing I don't need anymore from other people.
You have to be a little braindead in the first place to work in retail. It's the self awareness that kills you. Having to be nice to people who wouldn't shit on you if you were in flames.
I honestly feel like crying. I never wanted to go back there, even if it was inevitable.
Money is what makes the world go 'round. It trumps everything. Love included. I should know, it broke up my only relationship I've ever had. I'm living at home again because of it. I had to leave all my friends back east because of it.
No sex makes dan a dull boy...
D-
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Holy Mother Of Fuck :Part Two
Another Counter-Coulter Bust - May 4, 2005
Guy asks Ann Coulter if right wing men all fuck their wives up the ass.
Priceless.
D-
Guy asks Ann Coulter if right wing men all fuck their wives up the ass.
Priceless.
D-
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Grocery Shopping at the Alamo
I went grocery shopping with my Mom today. Well, not entirely grocery shopping. She likes to go to this thrift store called Savers on Monday mornings because they have a sale on stuff with a certain color ticket. She got me a nice coat for a good price and a couple of books. Ever since I came back from Baltimore it's been my job to go along with her to help out with grocery shopping. My Dad loathes going with her and I really don't mind. I usually get fed as part of the deal.
The place she likes to buy food at is enormous. Kind of like an airplane hangar without the airplane and replaced with rows of perishables and Mexicans with screaming babies. In times like those it's lucky that I don't have mind powers like Professor X.
"This just in, a rain of screaming Mexican children rained from the sky over the pacific scaring Japanese tuna fisherman in the area. Scientists say this type of thing only happens off the shores of Cuba, but never falling from the sky at Mach velocities. Greenpeace officials issue a statement condemning offshore toddler use. They also accused the military of using them as a ballistic weapon due to the abundance of them in California malls..."
I used to go shopping all the time with the ex back in B-more. They don't sell Tasty Cakes here which is a shame. Say what you will about the east coast, it seems like English is the more predominant language, even though they speak it with a funny accent...
D-
The place she likes to buy food at is enormous. Kind of like an airplane hangar without the airplane and replaced with rows of perishables and Mexicans with screaming babies. In times like those it's lucky that I don't have mind powers like Professor X.
"This just in, a rain of screaming Mexican children rained from the sky over the pacific scaring Japanese tuna fisherman in the area. Scientists say this type of thing only happens off the shores of Cuba, but never falling from the sky at Mach velocities. Greenpeace officials issue a statement condemning offshore toddler use. They also accused the military of using them as a ballistic weapon due to the abundance of them in California malls..."
I used to go shopping all the time with the ex back in B-more. They don't sell Tasty Cakes here which is a shame. Say what you will about the east coast, it seems like English is the more predominant language, even though they speak it with a funny accent...
D-
Monday, May 02, 2005
Same Old Story, Same Old Song and Dance
I had a pair of conversations with my ex yesterday. They couldn't be any more diametrically apposed than a cod cutting itself in chunks and frying it's own ass.
I met her online the first time at around 7pm, it was about 10 pm her time. It was a good talk. I made her laugh while she played literati, we talked baseball, I wallowed in depression hoping for some support. Then she said I was talking to someone else. Well, I wasn't, so I said I wasn't. She said it looked like I was. I was understandably "huh?"
Apparently her AIM was saying I was typing words when I wasn't. I don't know how that little thing works. It doesn't take much to make her act like I'm a prep and she's Andy Sipowitz.
Ask any man if he has lied to his girlfriend, lover, wife, etc., and he says "no" he's a bloody fucking liar. It doesn't help that our relation ship was build on a bedrock of HER lies, but that's a story for another time....
Anyway, we rebound from said thing, I say I'm sorry for troubling her with my Emo tirade, we say our goodbyes. End scene.
I'm up late and online at about 3am she pops online. I was about to go to sleep but, hey, I don't get to talk to her since we broke up (We have always had a weird realtionship 'nuff said).
We get into it about the typing thing on AIM. Again I say I'm not talking to ANYONE. Ever since I broke up with her I have avoided chatting, IMing, forums, with anyone except friends I made on the east coast, who all happen to be MALE. I'm not gay, so they don't count! :P
She does everthing but calling me a liar, brings up the last week of our relationship. Yes, I didn't tell her the bar my friends were taking me to get me drunk were strip bars. It wasn't a lie, it was an omition. She hated the thought of me looking at naked women because it fed into her insecurity about her age and her looks. I didn't care about those things but she never believed me.
Blah Blah Blah, I'm so fed up with her I could spit, 4am rolls around she leaves abruptly. No goodbye. Probably because her sometime now current hubby or her kids came in the room.
I cannot fucking wait to get off A Oh Fucking Hell so I don't have to have that stupid fucking instant Messenger on showing me online all the fucking time! Fuck me, fuck my ex, fuck my stupid fucking life...
D-
I met her online the first time at around 7pm, it was about 10 pm her time. It was a good talk. I made her laugh while she played literati, we talked baseball, I wallowed in depression hoping for some support. Then she said I was talking to someone else. Well, I wasn't, so I said I wasn't. She said it looked like I was. I was understandably "huh?"
Apparently her AIM was saying I was typing words when I wasn't. I don't know how that little thing works. It doesn't take much to make her act like I'm a prep and she's Andy Sipowitz.
Ask any man if he has lied to his girlfriend, lover, wife, etc., and he says "no" he's a bloody fucking liar. It doesn't help that our relation ship was build on a bedrock of HER lies, but that's a story for another time....
Anyway, we rebound from said thing, I say I'm sorry for troubling her with my Emo tirade, we say our goodbyes. End scene.
I'm up late and online at about 3am she pops online. I was about to go to sleep but, hey, I don't get to talk to her since we broke up (We have always had a weird realtionship 'nuff said).
We get into it about the typing thing on AIM. Again I say I'm not talking to ANYONE. Ever since I broke up with her I have avoided chatting, IMing, forums, with anyone except friends I made on the east coast, who all happen to be MALE. I'm not gay, so they don't count! :P
She does everthing but calling me a liar, brings up the last week of our relationship. Yes, I didn't tell her the bar my friends were taking me to get me drunk were strip bars. It wasn't a lie, it was an omition. She hated the thought of me looking at naked women because it fed into her insecurity about her age and her looks. I didn't care about those things but she never believed me.
Blah Blah Blah, I'm so fed up with her I could spit, 4am rolls around she leaves abruptly. No goodbye. Probably because her sometime now current hubby or her kids came in the room.
I cannot fucking wait to get off A Oh Fucking Hell so I don't have to have that stupid fucking instant Messenger on showing me online all the fucking time! Fuck me, fuck my ex, fuck my stupid fucking life...
D-
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Holy Mother Of Fuck :Part One
I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard
I would have thought that you'd need an industrial sized lazer like the one Auric Goldfinger used to nearly cut James Bond's nuts off to invade that svincter.
This made me giggle like a schoolgirl in my room at 2am in the morning.
Brilliant!
D-
I would have thought that you'd need an industrial sized lazer like the one Auric Goldfinger used to nearly cut James Bond's nuts off to invade that svincter.
This made me giggle like a schoolgirl in my room at 2am in the morning.
Brilliant!
D-
Friday, April 29, 2005
Elliot Smith concert@ Unfinished
His life ended way too soon, found this concert online and thought I'd pass it along. Good quality.
click here
click here
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
...And So It Begins, Batman.
I have just read the article on 'Batman Begins' in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly this evening. It left me with a sense of euphoria and a warm feeling in my stomache. I've been following the progress of this film for a long time. I'm a dyed in the wool Batman fan, I've been reading his books since...before I could read actually haha. It's important to me that the film does justice to the source material. Well friends, it looks like this one will Not Suck.
I, like many people, would love nothing more than to see Joel Shumacher thrown from a tall building with fish line w/ hooks wrapped around his small entestine and watch him unravel for 30 stories for what he did to the Batman films. He made Adam West's Batman look alot less embarrassing. If I saw Joel in person I would spit in his face, then ask for my $14.00 (both movies) back.
This one, Batman Begins, has got the Nuts my friends. Mark my words. I remember watching the first matinee of Tim Burton's Batman and leaving the theatre with goose bumps up both my arms. If Batman Begins gives me even half of that it will have done it's job.
D-
I, like many people, would love nothing more than to see Joel Shumacher thrown from a tall building with fish line w/ hooks wrapped around his small entestine and watch him unravel for 30 stories for what he did to the Batman films. He made Adam West's Batman look alot less embarrassing. If I saw Joel in person I would spit in his face, then ask for my $14.00 (both movies) back.
This one, Batman Begins, has got the Nuts my friends. Mark my words. I remember watching the first matinee of Tim Burton's Batman and leaving the theatre with goose bumps up both my arms. If Batman Begins gives me even half of that it will have done it's job.
D-
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Dennis Miller, a shadow of his past self.....
DENNIS MILLER (2003): Let me explain …
DENNIS MILLER (1988): Firing Line … you're on cable more than hotel porn. And it says here that you've been spewing conservative rhetoric at a rate that would make Joe McCarthy choke on his noon hoagie. It says here that, on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, you said: "George Bush has allowed us to respect the presidency again." Is this my future? Is this the promise of all those hard years at a low-level state university? (Looks under bed) And am I still wearing white socks with loafers?!
This is brilliant, I thought I was the oly one to notice..
THE MILLER'S CROSSING.
DENNIS MILLER (1988): Firing Line … you're on cable more than hotel porn. And it says here that you've been spewing conservative rhetoric at a rate that would make Joe McCarthy choke on his noon hoagie. It says here that, on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, you said: "George Bush has allowed us to respect the presidency again." Is this my future? Is this the promise of all those hard years at a low-level state university? (Looks under bed) And am I still wearing white socks with loafers?!
This is brilliant, I thought I was the oly one to notice..
THE MILLER'S CROSSING.
Love songs of a doomed life
I have been floating in limbo as of late. I still haven't heard from my current employer about coming back from work. Some paperwork error or something else vile and mysterious. I spend most days sleeping (or at least attempting) 'til noon. Surfing the web for the news I care about and .jpgs of porn. Going for long walks to the bookstore to look at magazines and books I can't afford to buy. Watching the SF Giants suck they're way though 9 innings of pisspoor baseball hoping and praying to the sporting gods that Barry Bonds comes to save the day. Hell, I wish for the same thing too. I may be the only person who likes Barry Bonds. People only boo because the Giants are out of town. Their opinion means nothing. Fuck them.
I tell myself I need to be creative, even if it seems hopeless. My whole life seems hopeless as of late. The love is gone and sometimes I wonder if that was just a lie I told myself and was unfortunate enough to share with someone else.
I'm bone-dog tired, yet I always have trouble sleeping at night. It's too quiet and my mind comes alive to fill it with stuff. I can't sleep in the day because it's too noisy. Back on the east coast we had either the fan or the air on and the noise was loud and I got used to it. I would sleep hard because I had to. I got my mind in that zone. And it helped matters that I was getting laid. I would sleep even when the woman snored like a felled wildabeast, it was a tribute to my survival skills getting through the summer months there. The heat was unbearable.
I had a long rambling talk with a friend from the east coast on instant messenger the other night. We talked sports, and about old times. I tried to make with the funny haha to fill the scroll. I almost thought he might be an imposter. My ex lying in wake ready to scream at me for going to strip clubs behind her back with my friends at work. She hated the thought of me looking at any woman other that her, and would become a shrill harpy about any percieved or otherwise glances. I would become a neurotic mess about her hacker skills, she having used those skills to break into several of my e-mail accounts thinking me a web-lothario. God I hated her as much as I loved her sometimes.
I have one local friend I talk to since I've come home. Most people here have their head burrowed up their own asses and problems they have no time for people the likes of me. I'm not pretty or very witty in person and too damn shy to get laid. But this is nothing new.
Enough indulgence and self pity for one night,
D-
I tell myself I need to be creative, even if it seems hopeless. My whole life seems hopeless as of late. The love is gone and sometimes I wonder if that was just a lie I told myself and was unfortunate enough to share with someone else.
I'm bone-dog tired, yet I always have trouble sleeping at night. It's too quiet and my mind comes alive to fill it with stuff. I can't sleep in the day because it's too noisy. Back on the east coast we had either the fan or the air on and the noise was loud and I got used to it. I would sleep hard because I had to. I got my mind in that zone. And it helped matters that I was getting laid. I would sleep even when the woman snored like a felled wildabeast, it was a tribute to my survival skills getting through the summer months there. The heat was unbearable.
I had a long rambling talk with a friend from the east coast on instant messenger the other night. We talked sports, and about old times. I tried to make with the funny haha to fill the scroll. I almost thought he might be an imposter. My ex lying in wake ready to scream at me for going to strip clubs behind her back with my friends at work. She hated the thought of me looking at any woman other that her, and would become a shrill harpy about any percieved or otherwise glances. I would become a neurotic mess about her hacker skills, she having used those skills to break into several of my e-mail accounts thinking me a web-lothario. God I hated her as much as I loved her sometimes.
I have one local friend I talk to since I've come home. Most people here have their head burrowed up their own asses and problems they have no time for people the likes of me. I'm not pretty or very witty in person and too damn shy to get laid. But this is nothing new.
Enough indulgence and self pity for one night,
D-
Monday, April 18, 2005
Quotes of interest
Science and Education
"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
-- Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years
"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data."
-- Arthur Conan Doyle, (Sherlock Holmes, Scandal in Bohemia, 1891)
D-
"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
-- Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years
"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data."
-- Arthur Conan Doyle, (Sherlock Holmes, Scandal in Bohemia, 1891)
D-
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Comic Book Rant Part 1
I have collected comics for it seems all my life. Through thick and thin they are one of the constants of my life. I'm primarily a DC Comics fan but I've read everything at one time or another. Indys, Marvel, anything that was good at the time.
When you do something for an extended period of time you form your own opinions about the thing that you love.
Let's Start,
When I read a comic about a certain character, let's say Batman for a good example, I buy the damn comic to read about Batman. If it's a superhero team-book, like The Avengers, you can focus on any member of the group and get away with it. You can read an issue about The Beast and Wonderman on a road trip across New York State looking for the cinnamon Girl. Or Giantman and the Wasp shagging like crazed aardvarks for 26 pages. It doesn't matter. It could be a good read. Why Not?
But let's say the book has the name Batman on the cover. It stars Batman. He is presumably the star of the book. Big letters on the cover. He sells the book. As he should. Because HE'S FUCKING BATMAN, right?
Okay, let's say I'm douche bag indy comic book writer (not that all indy comic book writers are douche bag, just this one in particular). I get the chance to write for the big company that publishes Batman, Superman, etc. Mainstream characters, Iconic stuff that will be around long after I'm gone and the Republican have scorched the earth looking for the last bit of fossil fuel. Anyway, said writer lands a comic with one of these characters in it.
Now if it were me, I would cherish the thought of writing for my favorite character. Sure it's work-for-hire. Sure I don't own shit when I'm done. But to have the chance to put my mark on the Icon that I love would make me giddy. Make my Geek Heart weep with joy. Playing with the best toy in the toybox.
Okay, said writer lands a dream job, best toy in the box. The front of the book says BATMAN, who would you think said writer would write about?
No, think again.
Bruce Wayne's female Bodyguard.
Whoops, said bodyguard finds out he's Batman.
Huh? What?
Her POV the entire time.
Admittedly some people felated all over this. But they were people WHO DIDN'T READ BATMAN BOOKS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Anyway, the bottom line IMO, if you're going to write a book about Superman, Batman, Wonderwoman, write about the main character. Call the book "The Adventures of Bruce Wayne's Boyguard". Otherwise it's a waste of my fucking time.
If you're writing a Star Trek story about Kirk, Spock and McCoy don't write about some Ensign on deck 11. Again, it's a waste of my fucking time. Call the Book "The Adventures of Ensign Kelso, Hypospray Cleaner". I don't care what you call it, just call it WHAT IT IS.
End of sermon, for now.
D-
When you do something for an extended period of time you form your own opinions about the thing that you love.
Let's Start,
When I read a comic about a certain character, let's say Batman for a good example, I buy the damn comic to read about Batman. If it's a superhero team-book, like The Avengers, you can focus on any member of the group and get away with it. You can read an issue about The Beast and Wonderman on a road trip across New York State looking for the cinnamon Girl. Or Giantman and the Wasp shagging like crazed aardvarks for 26 pages. It doesn't matter. It could be a good read. Why Not?
But let's say the book has the name Batman on the cover. It stars Batman. He is presumably the star of the book. Big letters on the cover. He sells the book. As he should. Because HE'S FUCKING BATMAN, right?
Okay, let's say I'm douche bag indy comic book writer (not that all indy comic book writers are douche bag, just this one in particular). I get the chance to write for the big company that publishes Batman, Superman, etc. Mainstream characters, Iconic stuff that will be around long after I'm gone and the Republican have scorched the earth looking for the last bit of fossil fuel. Anyway, said writer lands a comic with one of these characters in it.
Now if it were me, I would cherish the thought of writing for my favorite character. Sure it's work-for-hire. Sure I don't own shit when I'm done. But to have the chance to put my mark on the Icon that I love would make me giddy. Make my Geek Heart weep with joy. Playing with the best toy in the toybox.
Okay, said writer lands a dream job, best toy in the box. The front of the book says BATMAN, who would you think said writer would write about?
No, think again.
Bruce Wayne's female Bodyguard.
Whoops, said bodyguard finds out he's Batman.
Huh? What?
Her POV the entire time.
Admittedly some people felated all over this. But they were people WHO DIDN'T READ BATMAN BOOKS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Anyway, the bottom line IMO, if you're going to write a book about Superman, Batman, Wonderwoman, write about the main character. Call the book "The Adventures of Bruce Wayne's Boyguard". Otherwise it's a waste of my fucking time.
If you're writing a Star Trek story about Kirk, Spock and McCoy don't write about some Ensign on deck 11. Again, it's a waste of my fucking time. Call the Book "The Adventures of Ensign Kelso, Hypospray Cleaner". I don't care what you call it, just call it WHAT IT IS.
End of sermon, for now.
D-
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
hope is overrated
I had a job interview today at a bank. Well, not exactly a job interview, a teller's test. I sat in the waiting room with a sweet girl who was also taking the test. I guestimated she was prabably in her early 20's, beautiful blonde, vivacious, a red sweater that had a scoop-neck that couldn't contain pointy full breasts. She talked to me, which in my view, made my last couple of months. I was nervious as shit, even with an old friend from Target helping give the test. I talked up to and after the test, like 60 miles an hour. It was a test on teller related functions. Counting out money, but we were being timed. I Hate That. I know I probably flunked it. Even with a beautiful girl and two fellow geeks in the room. I was so fucking nervious counting imaginary money no less. I felt like i was going so slow, filling out that application before and after the test. God I can be such a dork.
Some people want to believe that god exists and he looks out for everyone like Superman patrolling the skies of Metropolis. I think of the times I screamed in my head for 'god' to help me, to ease my pain from my life in Baltimore coming apart at the seams. One night I just burst into tears, like they where shooting from a fire hydrant. "he is not listening, he's not there. there is no god." I still believe that to this day even when the pain is stitching over a bit. In a way it's comforting, it's like one question has been answered. I can go on.
Even when the God-Heads who have our govt, in their thrall spouting anyway they can about so-called moral values. God, jesus, and religion are for people who have nothing or everything. The people who want something or want to keep something. Nobody thanks god/jesus when they lose the big game or get hit by a bus. They blame themselves. Why not cut out the middle diety?
D-
Some people want to believe that god exists and he looks out for everyone like Superman patrolling the skies of Metropolis. I think of the times I screamed in my head for 'god' to help me, to ease my pain from my life in Baltimore coming apart at the seams. One night I just burst into tears, like they where shooting from a fire hydrant. "he is not listening, he's not there. there is no god." I still believe that to this day even when the pain is stitching over a bit. In a way it's comforting, it's like one question has been answered. I can go on.
Even when the God-Heads who have our govt, in their thrall spouting anyway they can about so-called moral values. God, jesus, and religion are for people who have nothing or everything. The people who want something or want to keep something. Nobody thanks god/jesus when they lose the big game or get hit by a bus. They blame themselves. Why not cut out the middle diety?
D-
Monday, April 11, 2005
Go Team Venture Season Two!!
Publick Nuisance
"..and so it is official...The Venture Bros. has been picked up for another season of 13 episodes! Having been forced to sit on this information for a week or two, it's nice to tell you all finally."
Official Site Here
"..and so it is official...The Venture Bros. has been picked up for another season of 13 episodes! Having been forced to sit on this information for a week or two, it's nice to tell you all finally."
Official Site Here
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
How William Shatner Went From Has-Been to Icon in Seven Self-Aware Steps
How William Shatner Went From Has-Been to Icon in Seven Self-Aware Steps
"The TV success coincides with raves for his cheekily titled album, Has Been, produced by indie star Ben Folds. In a gesture of playful defiance, Shatner, age 73, ends an L.A. concert with “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”—a nod to Transformed Man—then raises a fist. Then flips the bird."
Shatner 3:16 says I just drop kicked your ass!
"The TV success coincides with raves for his cheekily titled album, Has Been, produced by indie star Ben Folds. In a gesture of playful defiance, Shatner, age 73, ends an L.A. concert with “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”—a nod to Transformed Man—then raises a fist. Then flips the bird."
Shatner 3:16 says I just drop kicked your ass!
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
HST novel exerpt in memorium
Song of the Sausage Creature by Hunter S. Thompson
"There are some things nobody needs in this world, and a bright red, hunchback, warp-speed 900cc cafe racer is one of them -- but I want one anyway, and on some days I actually believe I need one. That is why they are dangerous..."
"There are some things nobody needs in this world, and a bright red, hunchback, warp-speed 900cc cafe racer is one of them -- but I want one anyway, and on some days I actually believe I need one. That is why they are dangerous..."
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Maxim Online's Girlfriend of the Day Erika Christensen
Breast gal:
"I'm more proud of my upper body. Let's just say I'm a typical female in that way."
batman_batsignal.jpg (JPEG Image, 532x371 pixels)
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Fear and Loathing in Monterey Bay
I have found that when you live in another place other that the one you've known all your life you see things a little different.
I lived for a little under a year in a little town near Baltimore, Maryland. It was a lower to middle-class town. The type of places that white people moved to when the city got too congested for them. There were large factories that all dried out around the place. Retired people, the working poor, white trash, black folks trying to find someplace safe to live.
I come from a place of ethnic diversity. Every color of the rainbow can be found within Cali's borders. Viet-Namese, Chinese, Pacific Islanders, Koreans, More Mexican that you can swing a dead Chihuihia at, East Indians, etc. Baltimore seemed to me like Blacks and variations on White. In that way it was kinda nice, I mean, you didn't have to speak Spanish to order McDonald's. It was strange to live in a place where English was the primary language.
When I'd tell people I was from California their first reaction was "why the hell are you here?" I would say variations on "I fell in love with a girl..." (cue The White Stripes here)
The weather where I'm from in CA is very temperate. I've lived near the pacific ocean all my life. If it's too hot, the fog will come in by sundown. Baltimore's summers nearly drove me mad. Walking to the bus stop in 90 degree heat with 100 percent humidity is the fiery drizzle-shits my friend. I could feel the sweat collecting in the small of my back as I stood there in my work clothes waiting for that #4 bus. As for the winters, I didn't mind the snow at all. Getting around was a bitch sometimes but watching it fall from the sky was magic to me.
The people are different too. People in Baltimore actually wanted to get to know me. This one boggled my mind. In Cali I've always been the one that never got the second glance. I made friends there I hope I'll always have. Here I've never been lucky enough to find a friend who didn't turn out to be a total jackass. Hell, I lost my best friend when my girlfriend decided to go back to her ex...
After the break up I thought that coming back to Cali would clear my head and maybe put me on the path to something new. Now I'm not so sure. When you live with your parents you fall back into old behaviors. The me that was on the east Coast living-w/-Girlfriend is turning into the guy-living-with-Parents. It doesn't help matters that I got deposited into the employment dead zone of the year. Nobody is hiring, ok, nobody worth a shit is hiring. If I could get a job at a bookstore I would die a happy guy. I've put in so many apps I'm beginning to think they have it out for me. That there is a secret society of bookstore managers that meet in secret in a hollowed out bunker on the former Fort Ord. Dressed like evil minions from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer they plot and plan.
"He want to work around books and magazines and has too much retail experience! Thus, it never Shall Be!" ( cue thunder ) "We shall hire people with nose rings and don't know Edgar Allen Poe from David Allen Coe!" Bwahahahahahahahahahahah
*Ahem*
I guess I'll have to learn to love the bootheel of the retail/hospitality business pressed up against the fleshy part of my neck. Smile and bite the pillow as I surrender myself to my corporate masters. I will hate their fucking guts until the day that I die and I will never let them have my soul. The Swine. They Will Never Win.
D-
I lived for a little under a year in a little town near Baltimore, Maryland. It was a lower to middle-class town. The type of places that white people moved to when the city got too congested for them. There were large factories that all dried out around the place. Retired people, the working poor, white trash, black folks trying to find someplace safe to live.
I come from a place of ethnic diversity. Every color of the rainbow can be found within Cali's borders. Viet-Namese, Chinese, Pacific Islanders, Koreans, More Mexican that you can swing a dead Chihuihia at, East Indians, etc. Baltimore seemed to me like Blacks and variations on White. In that way it was kinda nice, I mean, you didn't have to speak Spanish to order McDonald's. It was strange to live in a place where English was the primary language.
When I'd tell people I was from California their first reaction was "why the hell are you here?" I would say variations on "I fell in love with a girl..." (cue The White Stripes here)
The weather where I'm from in CA is very temperate. I've lived near the pacific ocean all my life. If it's too hot, the fog will come in by sundown. Baltimore's summers nearly drove me mad. Walking to the bus stop in 90 degree heat with 100 percent humidity is the fiery drizzle-shits my friend. I could feel the sweat collecting in the small of my back as I stood there in my work clothes waiting for that #4 bus. As for the winters, I didn't mind the snow at all. Getting around was a bitch sometimes but watching it fall from the sky was magic to me.
The people are different too. People in Baltimore actually wanted to get to know me. This one boggled my mind. In Cali I've always been the one that never got the second glance. I made friends there I hope I'll always have. Here I've never been lucky enough to find a friend who didn't turn out to be a total jackass. Hell, I lost my best friend when my girlfriend decided to go back to her ex...
After the break up I thought that coming back to Cali would clear my head and maybe put me on the path to something new. Now I'm not so sure. When you live with your parents you fall back into old behaviors. The me that was on the east Coast living-w/-Girlfriend is turning into the guy-living-with-Parents. It doesn't help matters that I got deposited into the employment dead zone of the year. Nobody is hiring, ok, nobody worth a shit is hiring. If I could get a job at a bookstore I would die a happy guy. I've put in so many apps I'm beginning to think they have it out for me. That there is a secret society of bookstore managers that meet in secret in a hollowed out bunker on the former Fort Ord. Dressed like evil minions from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer they plot and plan.
"He want to work around books and magazines and has too much retail experience! Thus, it never Shall Be!" ( cue thunder ) "We shall hire people with nose rings and don't know Edgar Allen Poe from David Allen Coe!" Bwahahahahahahahahahahah
*Ahem*
I guess I'll have to learn to love the bootheel of the retail/hospitality business pressed up against the fleshy part of my neck. Smile and bite the pillow as I surrender myself to my corporate masters. I will hate their fucking guts until the day that I die and I will never let them have my soul. The Swine. They Will Never Win.
D-
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Doomed on Fire
Just saw "Man On Fire" again earlier this evening. It's a great movie. The first time I saw it was in Baltimore, I was with my ex. We had the choice of seeing "Troy", that vampire movie with Hugh Jackman, and this one. Although I never ended up seeing the other movies I'm glad I saw this one. Several lessons could be learned from this.
1) Denzel Washington blows things up real good.
2) When a person who has nothing to live for finds something that's worth dying over and you happen to be the poor bastard who stands in his way: Run.
3) Mexico City is a dangerous place.
4) Marc Anthony will wish he blew his head off for real after living w/ J.Lo for a couple years.
I watched it with the Parents, they have lived in California all their life. They have what you could say as a "skewed" view of people who have moved here from Mexico. I guess anybody could when Mariachi music wakes you up at 4 am in the morning or it gets harder and harder to find an english language station on their radio.
In my view there are three kinds of people, nice people, assholes, and the truly evil. If I wrote the bible it would have two words in it: Be Good. This doesn't mean walking around w/a smile plastered to you face or follow any commandment written a million effing years ago.
"Don't be an asshole" I guess would be the next commandment after that.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, Good movie.
D-
1) Denzel Washington blows things up real good.
2) When a person who has nothing to live for finds something that's worth dying over and you happen to be the poor bastard who stands in his way: Run.
3) Mexico City is a dangerous place.
4) Marc Anthony will wish he blew his head off for real after living w/ J.Lo for a couple years.
I watched it with the Parents, they have lived in California all their life. They have what you could say as a "skewed" view of people who have moved here from Mexico. I guess anybody could when Mariachi music wakes you up at 4 am in the morning or it gets harder and harder to find an english language station on their radio.
In my view there are three kinds of people, nice people, assholes, and the truly evil. If I wrote the bible it would have two words in it: Be Good. This doesn't mean walking around w/a smile plastered to you face or follow any commandment written a million effing years ago.
"Don't be an asshole" I guess would be the next commandment after that.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, Good movie.
D-
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Eastwood makes a shout-out to his peeps back in MoCo yo!
2005 Oscars 77th Academy Awards News from Yahoo! Movies
Was it just me or was the Oscars trying a bit too hard to be "more hip"? If you call being "more Black" equalling being more hip then, yeah, I guess so. I think this was a matter of there being more african american noms this year so they may have gone a little overboard w/ the excuse they were making up for all the years of not having very many Af.Am. Oscar winners. I mean, what the fuck was Sean "Puffdaddy-PeeDiddy-I-don't-give-a-fuck-daddy" doing there?
Chris Rock was occasionally funny, of course it didn't help any that the censorship nazis probably had sniper trained on him the entire time. I thought when he said to everyone to sit their "asses" down it was going to be a Hong Kong/John Woo moment.
It was overly long, depressed me because I hadn't seen any of the movies nominated, Good for Clint, Salma Hayak has a rack that makes grown men drool, Sean Penn has no sense of humor AND could kick everyone's ass in that theatre (except Clint), Hillary Swank's hubby is still a sobbing pussy, Maybe Robin Williams should host next year, Easy Reader finally gets the little bald guy, and where was Jack?
D-
Was it just me or was the Oscars trying a bit too hard to be "more hip"? If you call being "more Black" equalling being more hip then, yeah, I guess so. I think this was a matter of there being more african american noms this year so they may have gone a little overboard w/ the excuse they were making up for all the years of not having very many Af.Am. Oscar winners. I mean, what the fuck was Sean "Puffdaddy-PeeDiddy-I-don't-give-a-fuck-daddy" doing there?
Chris Rock was occasionally funny, of course it didn't help any that the censorship nazis probably had sniper trained on him the entire time. I thought when he said to everyone to sit their "asses" down it was going to be a Hong Kong/John Woo moment.
It was overly long, depressed me because I hadn't seen any of the movies nominated, Good for Clint, Salma Hayak has a rack that makes grown men drool, Sean Penn has no sense of humor AND could kick everyone's ass in that theatre (except Clint), Hillary Swank's hubby is still a sobbing pussy, Maybe Robin Williams should host next year, Easy Reader finally gets the little bald guy, and where was Jack?
D-
Clint Eastwood vs NeoCon Jackasses
:: rogerebert.com :: essays
I remember when Michael Medved had a movie review show on pbs. It was kind of a sad imitation of Siskel (sp) and Ebert. Now this walking abortion is another tool for the far-right-republi-christian cabal that has this nation by the nut-sack.
Alot of the news sites say that Clint (he lives, like 45 minutes from here so I "think" I can call him that) that Clint is a republican. Not so, he has said in several interviews that he is more of a Libertarian (sp). Social Liberal/Fiscal Conservative. In this political climate, big difference. He was the mayor of Carmel and when you're running for mayor of anything it's usually not a matter of political parties anyway.
I want to see Million Dollar Baby and I hope they haven't given too much away with all this bullshit. I guess the far right got tired of beating up gay people and wanted something with more umph to spit on with the Oscars being, like, tomorrow.
As HST would say: Pigfuckers.
I remember when Michael Medved had a movie review show on pbs. It was kind of a sad imitation of Siskel (sp) and Ebert. Now this walking abortion is another tool for the far-right-republi-christian cabal that has this nation by the nut-sack.
Alot of the news sites say that Clint (he lives, like 45 minutes from here so I "think" I can call him that) that Clint is a republican. Not so, he has said in several interviews that he is more of a Libertarian (sp). Social Liberal/Fiscal Conservative. In this political climate, big difference. He was the mayor of Carmel and when you're running for mayor of anything it's usually not a matter of political parties anyway.
I want to see Million Dollar Baby and I hope they haven't given too much away with all this bullshit. I guess the far right got tired of beating up gay people and wanted something with more umph to spit on with the Oscars being, like, tomorrow.
As HST would say: Pigfuckers.
Friday, February 25, 2005
When your guy asks you to come home.....
BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Arts | Thompson 'shot himself on phone'
"Mrs Thompson said her husband had asked her to come home from a health club so they could work on his weekly column, but instead of saying goodbye, he shot himself."
I hate to admit this, but there were times when I talked to my ex-girlfriend that I felt like ending a conversation this way.
D-
"Mrs Thompson said her husband had asked her to come home from a health club so they could work on his weekly column, but instead of saying goodbye, he shot himself."
I hate to admit this, but there were times when I talked to my ex-girlfriend that I felt like ending a conversation this way.
D-
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Farewell, Mahalo, BOOM!!
Thompson's Ashes May Be Shot From Cannon
"DENVER (AP) - Hunter S. Thompson, the "gonzo journalist" with a penchant for drugs, guns and flame-thrower prose, might have one more salvo in store for everyone: Friends and relatives want to blast his ashes out of a cannon, just as he wished."
...""If you were going to light up a flash-bomb worthy of Hunter S. Thompson, you'd want to make it an earth-shaker," Williams said."
"DENVER (AP) - Hunter S. Thompson, the "gonzo journalist" with a penchant for drugs, guns and flame-thrower prose, might have one more salvo in store for everyone: Friends and relatives want to blast his ashes out of a cannon, just as he wished."
...""If you were going to light up a flash-bomb worthy of Hunter S. Thompson, you'd want to make it an earth-shaker," Williams said."
Maxim Online's Girlfriend of the Day
Christina Ricci
Fear and self-loathing:
"I don't like anyone who likes themselves too much. All these people with great self-esteem, they can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned."
Anger management:
"I have life rage. I'd say that, deep down, I'm very disillusioned. I've been that way for a very long time. As much as I'm cynical, though, there's a lot of optimism in me—which pretty much assures that over and over, I'm going to be disillusioned. But I have the ability to laugh at all this stuff."
Fear and self-loathing:
"I don't like anyone who likes themselves too much. All these people with great self-esteem, they can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned."
Anger management:
"I have life rage. I'd say that, deep down, I'm very disillusioned. I've been that way for a very long time. As much as I'm cynical, though, there's a lot of optimism in me—which pretty much assures that over and over, I'm going to be disillusioned. But I have the ability to laugh at all this stuff."
Sticker lands guy in Jail?
"Excuse me, Sir. Could you step out of the car."
"Officer, could you please...um...tell me that's a back-up gun in your pocket?"
"Officials have charged 31-year-old Dean Young, the owner of a yellow Ford Focus displaying the images, with distribution of sexually oriented materials to minors. The charge is a misdemeanor carrying a maximum punishment of 364 days in jail and $1,000 fine. Young is scheduled to appear in magistrate court on the charges in the next few weeks."
The story is here
This is what happens when cops have nothing better to do. Sheesh.
My Daily Links
We all have those sites we go to everyday to catch up on whatever interests we have. News sites. Here are a couple of the places I go after I check my mail.
www.aint-it-cool-news.com
I go here for all the latest genre movie dirt, views and reviews.
www.newsarama.com
Comic book news.
www.comicbookresources.com
Same as above only with columns on Comic book related movies and more rumor mongering.
Monger-Monger-Monger.....heh
www.moviepoopshoot.com
A pop culture news site ran by Kevin Smith's company ViewAskew, who is unto god when it comes to geeks (like me).
http://www.fark.com
News news news and *cough* news.
www.gorillamask.com
Guy stuff, they bring the funny and the boobies.
That's all I can think of now.
D-
www.aint-it-cool-news.com
I go here for all the latest genre movie dirt, views and reviews.
www.newsarama.com
Comic book news.
www.comicbookresources.com
Same as above only with columns on Comic book related movies and more rumor mongering.
Monger-Monger-Monger.....heh
www.moviepoopshoot.com
A pop culture news site ran by Kevin Smith's company ViewAskew, who is unto god when it comes to geeks (like me).
http://www.fark.com
News news news and *cough* news.
www.gorillamask.com
Guy stuff, they bring the funny and the boobies.
That's all I can think of now.
D-
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Outlaw, Warrior, and a Man in Pain.
FARK.com: (1366083) Hunter S. Thompson killed himself
I've been reading the talkbacks over at Fark.com about Hunter killing himself. Most of them have been very literate and soulfull. But as with anyone who lived the way HST lived, the trolls come out of the woodwork. When you leave large bootprints on the earth like he did you make alot of enemies.
The first time I heard of him was from a teacher I had in high school. He named his son Hunter in honor of him.
I had just checked out one of his books that I hadn't read from the library a week ago, then this happens. I named this blog in reverence of him. "Songs of the Doomed" was the book.
He was recovering from a broken leg and other ailments. I have a suspicion that the pain drug they were giving him weren't cutting the mustard. I mean, when you spend a good part of you life taking drugs eventually you get a resistance to them. For all we know it was an accidend. The story is still in flux.
He was an American Patriot, told it like it was, burned the enemies of us all down with passion . His words were used like a switchblade in a streetfight. Brutal, sharp, dangerous.
He was a storyteller, he lived his books.
I wish I could be more....deft about all this. I admired the man's art. He will be remembered.
D-
I've been reading the talkbacks over at Fark.com about Hunter killing himself. Most of them have been very literate and soulfull. But as with anyone who lived the way HST lived, the trolls come out of the woodwork. When you leave large bootprints on the earth like he did you make alot of enemies.
The first time I heard of him was from a teacher I had in high school. He named his son Hunter in honor of him.
I had just checked out one of his books that I hadn't read from the library a week ago, then this happens. I named this blog in reverence of him. "Songs of the Doomed" was the book.
He was recovering from a broken leg and other ailments. I have a suspicion that the pain drug they were giving him weren't cutting the mustard. I mean, when you spend a good part of you life taking drugs eventually you get a resistance to them. For all we know it was an accidend. The story is still in flux.
He was an American Patriot, told it like it was, burned the enemies of us all down with passion . His words were used like a switchblade in a streetfight. Brutal, sharp, dangerous.
He was a storyteller, he lived his books.
I wish I could be more....deft about all this. I admired the man's art. He will be remembered.
D-
Monday, February 21, 2005
Author Hunter S. Thompson Kills Himself
Bow you head down Heathen, the Last American Outlaw has past....
"DENVER - Hunter S. Thompson, the acerbic counterculture writer who popularized a new form of fictional journalism in books like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," fatally shot himself Sunday night at his Aspen-area home, his son said. He was 67."
Hunter was a hero of mine, I have no words right now. More later....
D-
"DENVER - Hunter S. Thompson, the acerbic counterculture writer who popularized a new form of fictional journalism in books like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," fatally shot himself Sunday night at his Aspen-area home, his son said. He was 67."
Hunter was a hero of mine, I have no words right now. More later....
D-
Sunday, February 20, 2005
If I had money I would have been SO there...
DC Comics @WonderCon
"Well, Bob Schreck did claim that, in "All Star Batman & Robin," Robin will come into the Batcave, see the place is trashed, and believe they've been attacked until Batman and Catwoman emerge looking decidedly disheveled. It was not clear if he was joking, but he did tell us that the Frank Miller / Jim Lee Robin will be Dick Grayson. He also said that when he told Lee that he was working with Frank Miller, "you could here him warbling like Daffy Duck.""
A guy I knew from work before I left for B-more invited me along "only if one of his friends decided not to go" to this Con.
The Bastard...
D-
"Well, Bob Schreck did claim that, in "All Star Batman & Robin," Robin will come into the Batcave, see the place is trashed, and believe they've been attacked until Batman and Catwoman emerge looking decidedly disheveled. It was not clear if he was joking, but he did tell us that the Frank Miller / Jim Lee Robin will be Dick Grayson. He also said that when he told Lee that he was working with Frank Miller, "you could here him warbling like Daffy Duck.""
A guy I knew from work before I left for B-more invited me along "only if one of his friends decided not to go" to this Con.
The Bastard...
D-
Jeffy go 'round in circles
Nascar's Daytona 500
My Dad is really into Nascar. He has a wall in the living room devoted to the die-cast cars of his favorite drivers.
Me, I'm not much into Nascar, I'm more into Football and Baseball (the 49ers and the SF Giants). The Datona 500 was raced today and Jeff Gordon won it. From what my Dad has told me most people hate the guy. He does look like a smug little dude
I've sat and tried to watch it just to see what my he sees in it. Most of it is guys driving around is circles at speeds that would make most guys pee their pants if it was done on the highway. The real drama happens near the end when guys are bumping into each other to pass the finish line.
God, it would help if some of these guys would sound half way literate.
I like Dale Earnhardt Jr though, I saw him on an episode of Cribs and he just seems like a nice Dude. And he games online with a big honkin' T1 line to a bank of computers. He plays the Nascar game online and met a driver who he Hired there. Kinda cool.
So, no real point of this post, but hey life's like that.
D-
My Dad is really into Nascar. He has a wall in the living room devoted to the die-cast cars of his favorite drivers.
Me, I'm not much into Nascar, I'm more into Football and Baseball (the 49ers and the SF Giants). The Datona 500 was raced today and Jeff Gordon won it. From what my Dad has told me most people hate the guy. He does look like a smug little dude
I've sat and tried to watch it just to see what my he sees in it. Most of it is guys driving around is circles at speeds that would make most guys pee their pants if it was done on the highway. The real drama happens near the end when guys are bumping into each other to pass the finish line.
God, it would help if some of these guys would sound half way literate.
I like Dale Earnhardt Jr though, I saw him on an episode of Cribs and he just seems like a nice Dude. And he games online with a big honkin' T1 line to a bank of computers. He plays the Nascar game online and met a driver who he Hired there. Kinda cool.
So, no real point of this post, but hey life's like that.
D-
Butch's Gold Watch or A Rant to End All Rants
Back when I was a kid, I think I saw things differently. One of the few things I remember from my youth was wanting people to like me. It was in elementary school, I was very near sighted and I didn't know that I was. I guess I thought the world was Supposed to be blurry unless it was not a foot away from my face. Anyway, I loved comics, I still do to this day. I was in a world of my own as most kids were. Afternoons full of Warner Bros. Cartoons, repeats of the old Adam West Batman show, Ultraman, Captain Cosmic racing a Bart train on channel 2, Classic Star Trek, playing with Mego dolls, reading comics and drawing.
I remember not being able to bring things to school without them being stolen from me.
I wasn't good with people even then, shy kid being picked on by kids bigger than me. I found that trying to be invisible, to not be a target , inevitably to stay in my own world, was the way to survive. Not being able to see likely added to that.
I wanted other kids to like me, they stole from me. To this day it burned a hole in me. I can't stand the thought of people stealing my things. Philosophically I understand that it's all just stuff, replaceable objects. But try telling that to a 5 year old who brought his soundtrack album ( vinyl ) of the Muppet Movie to show and tell, or his Batman Blue Ribbon Digest his Mom bought for him for toughing it out when he got a booster shot, Both Stolen from him at school?
Good luck Bubba.
I hate it when people Lie In Your Face about it too. It brings out a special kind of rage in me. Seething Rage.
Let me give you a recent example.
Up until recently I lived on the east coast, Baltimore to be exact. I went there to live with my Internet Girlfriend. It took me a long time to agree to move there, I had lived in only one place in all my (at the time 28) years....
Hmm, this is a long story, let me proceed to the point and leave the road for another time.
We broke up, we still loved each other, but we broke up. I was crushed and slightly Insane. I wanted to go home and lick my wounds. Between having to pay for some of the utilities and the last month's rent I could only send part of my possessions so about half of it (part of my clothes, comic books, hardcover and paperback novels, a watch my parents bought me, for a few examples) had to stay there, with her, until I had money to have it sent.
In 20/20 hindsight I should have stayed with friends that had offered me shelter when my first real relationship hit the iceberg. Baltimore was a lot different than California. People are more likely to open up a shy fellow than people here I must say. I made some some genuine friends in Baltimore.
Back to the point.
I've been writing back and forth with my ex for the last couple months. I have been pretty low, I haven't looked for a job until recently because of that. And besides, what manager would want to sit down to have an interview with a guy who wanted to chew the veins out of his arm at 4 am the night before. Kidding.
It was a comfort to me that my ex had kept my stuff for me in my time of need. It was one of the things I was looking forward to getting that stuff back. I had a lot of comic books in those boxes. Gaps in my collection. Comics waiting to be read. "Identity Crisis" and "Astonishing X-men". Signed comic books. A signed picture of Stone Cold Steve Austin I stood in line for three hours at a Wizard Comic Convention to get. A digital camera. Hardcover novels I bought new.
A watch my parents got me for Christmas.
And those are only the things I remember.
All gone now.
She wrote me a e-mail, after a long period of not writing I might add, and told me that her children had taken my boxes out of the trunk of her car and they left them in their yard. Two days of rain and snow later, she says it all got destroyed. She apologizes briefly (throwing in a jibe about my stuff meaning more to me that her) and then goes into a tirade about me not having a job and And me not having and Ambition, and that I was a bottom feeder. I was crushed, mad, sick. I sent her an e-mail befitting my Mood. She sends me one back.
Remember in Pulp Fiction when Butch's girlfriend forgets his gold watch? She fucked up by not bringing it. She gets upset because he's mad she fucked up and makes him feel like shit because of it. Ironic he almost got fucked up the ass isn't it?
A crying woman Is a weapon of mass destruction.
I'm writing e-mails trying to get her to talk to me because I still love her and I don't want her to hate me. My Stuff has figured in the battles we had to get me to go to Baltimore. She said often at the time that I loved my stuff more than her, which wasn't true.
Eventually I got in touch with her on IM, and I said I was sorry and she accepted.
Something hit me tonite, like a bowl full of bad chili with water from a Mexico river. That sick feeling that hits you like a heart attack
How can a watch be destroyed by the rain or snow?
If the boxes were sealed something must have been left?
HER STORY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Suddenly I'm that shy, pudgy kid who wanted people to like AND couldn't see past a foot in front of him, who can't and listen "The Lovers, the Dreamers, and Me" when he gets home from school that day.
I could drink hot blood at that very moment washed down with sweet, sweet, vengeance.
But, and I say But...
I'm willing to hear her out. Because I know in my mind it's all just stuff. Replaceable (at cost mind you, ugh). But in my gut....That's another story. A developing one. I'm not a violent man, but I do hold a grudge.
D-
I remember not being able to bring things to school without them being stolen from me.
I wasn't good with people even then, shy kid being picked on by kids bigger than me. I found that trying to be invisible, to not be a target , inevitably to stay in my own world, was the way to survive. Not being able to see likely added to that.
I wanted other kids to like me, they stole from me. To this day it burned a hole in me. I can't stand the thought of people stealing my things. Philosophically I understand that it's all just stuff, replaceable objects. But try telling that to a 5 year old who brought his soundtrack album ( vinyl ) of the Muppet Movie to show and tell, or his Batman Blue Ribbon Digest his Mom bought for him for toughing it out when he got a booster shot, Both Stolen from him at school?
Good luck Bubba.
I hate it when people Lie In Your Face about it too. It brings out a special kind of rage in me. Seething Rage.
Let me give you a recent example.
Up until recently I lived on the east coast, Baltimore to be exact. I went there to live with my Internet Girlfriend. It took me a long time to agree to move there, I had lived in only one place in all my (at the time 28) years....
Hmm, this is a long story, let me proceed to the point and leave the road for another time.
We broke up, we still loved each other, but we broke up. I was crushed and slightly Insane. I wanted to go home and lick my wounds. Between having to pay for some of the utilities and the last month's rent I could only send part of my possessions so about half of it (part of my clothes, comic books, hardcover and paperback novels, a watch my parents bought me, for a few examples) had to stay there, with her, until I had money to have it sent.
In 20/20 hindsight I should have stayed with friends that had offered me shelter when my first real relationship hit the iceberg. Baltimore was a lot different than California. People are more likely to open up a shy fellow than people here I must say. I made some some genuine friends in Baltimore.
Back to the point.
I've been writing back and forth with my ex for the last couple months. I have been pretty low, I haven't looked for a job until recently because of that. And besides, what manager would want to sit down to have an interview with a guy who wanted to chew the veins out of his arm at 4 am the night before. Kidding.
It was a comfort to me that my ex had kept my stuff for me in my time of need. It was one of the things I was looking forward to getting that stuff back. I had a lot of comic books in those boxes. Gaps in my collection. Comics waiting to be read. "Identity Crisis" and "Astonishing X-men". Signed comic books. A signed picture of Stone Cold Steve Austin I stood in line for three hours at a Wizard Comic Convention to get. A digital camera. Hardcover novels I bought new.
A watch my parents got me for Christmas.
And those are only the things I remember.
All gone now.
She wrote me a e-mail, after a long period of not writing I might add, and told me that her children had taken my boxes out of the trunk of her car and they left them in their yard. Two days of rain and snow later, she says it all got destroyed. She apologizes briefly (throwing in a jibe about my stuff meaning more to me that her) and then goes into a tirade about me not having a job and And me not having and Ambition, and that I was a bottom feeder. I was crushed, mad, sick. I sent her an e-mail befitting my Mood. She sends me one back.
Remember in Pulp Fiction when Butch's girlfriend forgets his gold watch? She fucked up by not bringing it. She gets upset because he's mad she fucked up and makes him feel like shit because of it. Ironic he almost got fucked up the ass isn't it?
A crying woman Is a weapon of mass destruction.
I'm writing e-mails trying to get her to talk to me because I still love her and I don't want her to hate me. My Stuff has figured in the battles we had to get me to go to Baltimore. She said often at the time that I loved my stuff more than her, which wasn't true.
Eventually I got in touch with her on IM, and I said I was sorry and she accepted.
Something hit me tonite, like a bowl full of bad chili with water from a Mexico river. That sick feeling that hits you like a heart attack
How can a watch be destroyed by the rain or snow?
If the boxes were sealed something must have been left?
HER STORY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
Suddenly I'm that shy, pudgy kid who wanted people to like AND couldn't see past a foot in front of him, who can't and listen "The Lovers, the Dreamers, and Me" when he gets home from school that day.
I could drink hot blood at that very moment washed down with sweet, sweet, vengeance.
But, and I say But...
I'm willing to hear her out. Because I know in my mind it's all just stuff. Replaceable (at cost mind you, ugh). But in my gut....That's another story. A developing one. I'm not a violent man, but I do hold a grudge.
D-
Saturday, February 19, 2005
We are Doomed
I have thought about doing a blog for awhile. Seems like everyone has one. My reason for having this thing is primarily to Vent, venting my emotion into the freeze-dried air of the internet and see if there's life out there or is it just alot of blank space inhabited by slow loading java script and spam offering penis pills.
More to come, far to go.....
More to come, far to go.....
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