Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
blog.myspace.com/danmidnight
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Illnesses In the Dark
I have a confession to make.
As a few of you know I'm really a shy person for the most part. I try to control it as best as I can, but it ... slips the leash. I could be trying to talk to someone I've known for 5 minutes or 5 years and BAM I just get toxically shy. Out of fucking nowhere. I see it in people's face when I just seize up, and it kills me. I might as well be trying to sell them insurance or "let me tell you about Our Lord Xenu". I feel like going somewhere and blowing my brains out. It's been the bane of my life.
Eye contact is hard for me too. Sometimes I wonder how many of my female acquaintances have thought I was staring at their chest when it was just me being shy? I shudder to think. Which is not to say that I'm not a straight hetero male who doesn't appreciate the female form.
I guess me bringing up the fact that I'm not the most socially adroit person around is like calling the sun bright and shiny. But whenever it happens to me I can't stop beating myself up over it. It's not like sleep has come easy lately. My Dad is in the living room in his recliner trying to sleep, but, he's been having these coughing fits. I'm in my room behind a closed door and I still hear him. One of the terms that my Mom said the docs brought up was "chronic bronchitis". I hope they're wrong. He's miserable and there's nothing I can do for him. I would share the burden if I could. Between his sickness and mine the night holds no comfort.
D-
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Friday, June 01, 2007
Whomever it may concern...
Dear God, if you are real, I've got a bone to pick with you.
What did my Dad ever do to deserve to be suffering so much? It just seems so wrong for him to be so frail and weak. Please give the doctors a fucking clue and find what's wrong and fix it. I'm beyond caring whatever pain you throw my way, emotional or physical. I haven't felt whole in a long time anyway. Just please make my Dad better. We all love him and he deserves to live a full life without pain.
I walk around feeling like I'm guilty of something and no one will tell me what I have done. I have asked for a moment of clarity since love has left my life it seems like ages ago. Show me that there's a point to it all, that it all isn't just random bullshit. Give me some strength to hold my head up and lighten my heart, because dude, the drugs aren't working.
I can't believe unless I have hope, and I haven't had that in a long time. I feel like an idiot just asking for all of this. It's like wishing Superman were real. But at this point it can't help but hedge my bets.
Oh yeah, if Jerry Falwell is up there with you : you're not an awesome god.
You feel me?
D-
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
WTF?
*Why the hell aren't there any decent Rock stations on the radio anymore? When I get in the car and change the channel around nearly 80% of the stations on the FM dial are non-english, country, or rap. What the hell happened? Do I have to buy an XM or Sirius radio tuner to listen to something I can stomach?
*Thank god for my Ipod, best investment I ever made.
*In a city that is supposed to be so rich why is there nothing to do? I mean, seriously in a college town, near several military bases, there is literally nothing going worth doing on a Saturday night. Well, other than go over to someone's house and get drunk.
*I don't get invited to those parties, btw.
*My job (and life) currently suck so hard black holes, porn stars, Orick vacuums, and former American Idol contestants are looking on in envy.
*I think Envy is a porn star name, don't ask me how I know this.
*Since I made my profile "public" the amount of spam I have in my inbox has exploded. It's always either a profile with no picture (thus engaging your curiousity) or some female model entirely too attractive to be emailing, well, me. It's always the same canned line about her AIM being wiggy or her girlfriend thinking I'm cute. Or, it's a cam whore with pictures convieniently off-site. I just find it funny, sad, or annoying depending on my mood.
*I read an article about what is considered "manly" anymore and what's not. One of those things is shivalry. The movie "Roxanne" being a prime example of this (which is based on Cyrano de Bergerac). People have been saying "shivalry is dead" for a long time. One point they made was the more you show attraction towards a woman the more they feel the exact opposite. That women want a man who really could give a shit about her, aparently. While I don't want to believe this, this is something I have experienced first hand. When I like someone, it's not something I can hide well. When I see someone who's beautiful and feel comfortable enough to tell them so, I do.
*It hasn't worked out very well so far.
*I think I need a drink....
D-
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
Love and the "Happy Ending"
*I'm not even sure what I should be writing about right now. Other than I should be writing more.
*Recently I said, in my random way, that I'm a athiest when I'm not in a relationship. Also, that if there is a god the evidence is in the opposite sex. (and someone in said conversation remarked "you don't have a reason to say "OH God" if you're alone). In looking back on that I've been in one love-type relationship in my life, so for the most part I've been in a "show me" state of mind when it comes to higher beings in general. Love to me is the same thing as magic. It's that thing that you cannot explain yet is just there. I guess it's all about belief. When someone looks into your eyes and you see it. Beautiful paralysis overcomes your higher brain. When you don't have it after having it it's like life becomes heavier and less bright.
*I have my ups and downs, somehow I keep on going cuts and bruises intact. Life without love isn't worth living, well, for long.
*Lack of sex isn't fun either. I've had two male friends recommend a shady massage parlor at the edge of town. It's not like I have anything against that sort of thing, but it's illegal here. The ladies who do this type of thing have no protection from the predators who prey on them. The whole thing is kinda ugly. I guess it all boils down to desperation to everyone involved. I want the person I'm intimate to be someone I have feelings for and vise versa. I'd like to think that I'm taking the high ground, but I guess it comes down to what I'm comfortable with.
*If two more years go by and I'm still alone, shoot me.
D-
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Thursday, May 24, 2007
"oh god, it's full of stars.."
Recently I bought myself a new camera. Lately whenever I get a chance on my days off I try to take some pictures. Lately it's been scenic stuff by the ocean. The camera is decent, but the focus seems to blurr when I try to get those far away shots. Not that I can complain, mind you. It's 5.0 megapixel digital with a decent preview screen, even if my hand isn't completely steady it doesn't flinch, 5 X zoom. Got it on clearence. :)
I went out with a girl I met on myspace once who took alot of self portraits. In getting to know this person I finally realized when she was doing. She, like me, has self esteem issues. What she was doing was taking pictures of herself to help her feel pretty.
People, alot of whom are on myspace, take alot of digital self portraits. I've done the same thing since I don't really have that many people around to take my picture. Most of which with my old crappy polaroid and are pretty grainy and the flash just makes things whiter.
Of course I made the mistake of taking a self photo with my new camera. 5.0 megapixels right in the kisser.
I felt like wearing a bag over my head until they spread my ashes from a coffee can a la The Big Lebowski. I never knew how much ugly I had inflicted on the world until then. Jeezus Monkey Christmas on a Stick. Oh, and the genetic curse of my father's hairline. Don't get me started...
Maybe people aren't so cruel, maybe they're just honest in their odd way. It's Darwinism in it's most raw form. They say on all those food shows that people eat with their eyes first. Maybe that's what people do when confronted with a new face. They can be the nicest, smartest, most loviing person in the world. But if they ain't pretty? It might as well you'd never had been born with sexual organs.
Sorry if I'm not in the best moods, my Dad is in the hospital again. Not much joy in the Wright house right now. It's like his body in in revolt against him.It makes me want to starve myself or do something else to improve my body. I need to loose some poundage, for sure. My diet isn't the best when the only things I have readily available are fast food near my job.
Maybe I can put some of this self loathing to good use. Ah who am I kidding, huh? When you're hungry, ya gotta eat. I'm not even sure this is a problem or not. I'm just rambling here.
D-
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
And I can't forget...
You were the first to make me feel
You were the last to touch me
You were the last to show me love
You're the one who pulled me from my home
You're the one who threw me away
From yours
You cut me up and made me bleed
To this day I can't stop it
Without the love you took away
You maimed me
Now I'm treated like a fool
But at least once I was yours
If I died tomorrow
You would never know
I can only hope but
Outlive you
My best revenge
Is to find someone
Better than you
Someone who's heart
Won't betray me
D-
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Friday, May 18, 2007
Hollow
When I came home from work I wasn't really in a bad mood, more tired and unfocused. Said hello to the parents and went to my room to peal off my work armor and sit at the computer and check my mail. As the night wore on I was gripped by this feeling of unease. It felt like a hole had opened up in my chest and I needed to fill it with something.
I called a friend and got her voicemail, it was after midnight after all. I went online and no one I knew was there. I could just see me going into one of those goddamn chatrooms and being IM'd by every cam-whore-bot on yahoo.
I had to resist the urge to start drinking, because last night it kept me up 'til 5am or so in the morning. Nothing is more depressing than watching the sun come up through the corners of your window shade in your bed alone and sleep deprived.
I'm sure There Are More depressing things than that but let's not depress ourselves further.
I can understand why people go home after work and get completely blotto alot more now. I think about my day and all I want to do is wipe it from my brain if only for a little while.
Thursdays seem to be harder for me to bare lately. All my days off are gone until after the horror of the weekend is over. There are other reasons but I won't get into those here. That Would drive me to drink.
My day wasn't that bad overall, it wasn't without it's personal dramas but it wasn't horrid. Maybe I just can't keep on an even keel either way.
D-
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
Not Half (w)Right
I've been let down by people in my life.
When I meet new people I always have that hope that this person will be someone for whom I can invest in. More often than not disappointment is just around the bend. In the past I've blamed it on the transient nature of this place. And, of course, I blame myself. I've been quite transparent in this here blog about my inadequacies so I won't pour over them again.
Sometimes there are people with whom I'd love to know better but ...for wont of a better term, I fuck it up. That's when I have to force myself to give up on people, it's hard for me to do. Sometimes my best intentions blow up in my face and leave me looking for pieces of my skull on the ground.
I've been given up on many times, because let's face it, I'm not all of that and a bag of Frito's. I'm sure if I was 6'2" and had a face and body of a male model I'm sure the opposite sex would find ways of dealing with my social maladroitness. I'm sure if I looked like Brad Pitt ladies wouldn't mind that I worked retail and don't drive.
Which is Not to say that all women are like this, hell no. I've met lots of intelligent women who love the same things I love and think I'm kinda cool in my way. But of course, all these women are taken, otherwise engaged, or imaginary. :)
But I digress slightly.
Sometimes I'm not the guilty party, some people are just mean. They'll lie to your face. Stab you in the back, tell the world and laugh about it. Make you dig your own hole and throw you in. Human beings can be the most vicious species on earth given a set of circumstances.
Beauty and love. Tragedy and pain. I need more of the first and less of the second...
I have a feeling I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people I've grown to care about. Most of which I'll never see again because distances aren't always measured in inches and miles.
Ian Fleming said that You Only Live Twice, but in a lifetime you seem to die many deaths. Death of dreams, death of the spirit, death of the heart. In my darkest hours I hope that one day it will all just put me out of my misery without me having to pull a trigger.
I look at people and I want them to prove me wrong. Tell me why and how it's all going to work out. I want to believe, I honestly do. Show me it's all not just a waste of time. It hasn't happened yet.
I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and try to visualize good things even if they seem so far fetched right now. I can't help but feel it's all so old and it's making me that way...
D-
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Less Than Zero
I know this probably isn't something I should vent about on here. But, I've never been known for doing the smart thing.
Besides, I'm bat-shit-ingly pissed off.
As everyone who's taken the time to read this blog, I've had a hell of a year. Personal, emotional, familial drama that's really beaten me up. I'm not the guy I used to be. I used to able to put on a smile and have a joke at hand for the people around me. I was odd, but on occasion at least I was an entertaining kind of odd. I used to be able to see something other than discomfort in people's eyes when I walked into a room. Or saw someone I knew from work outside of work and see that pinched expression I've come to know.
But through it all I was at work doing my best. I was there when all I wanted to do was stay home and sit with my Dad while he was going through chemo and radiation. I was there the day he was diagnosed. I was there even when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die because the depression was too heavy to bare. I was there on those frantic nights when my heart was beating out of chest trying to put the toy dept. back together again on a Sunday and a visitor was coming on Monday morning. I was there trying to keep it together while my heart was breaking one more time. I stayed there even after I cracked up in front of everyone on the front lanes. I did my job because it feels like it's all I have now. I wake up at 1:50 in the afternoon because I can't sleep after all the stress of being there until midnight. I have two weekdays to try to cobble together enough of a life to make it through to next week.
I don't have a life anymore, it's just some sick cracked reflection of existence.
I work hard at my job and sometimes it isn't enough. It's all started to weigh upon me and I just can't be the superhuman they want anymore.
They made me a "peer trainer" and they don't give me anyone to train. They give the trainees to other people with less experience but more speed. What's the fucking point? It's humiliating.
Every time I darken that place it just keeps getting worse. Yet another bullshit rule to make things harder on us. One more flaming hoop to make us less human and more like meat puppets on a merry-go-round. Which is worse, the fake smiley-face of smarmy Dr.Phil sensitivity or the cold uncaring corporate weasel-dom fighting for room in your chest cavity so it can make a nest?
I knew I was having an evaluation coming up, and I wondered how I did. It didn't really matter to me what they put on paper, in my heart I knew I was good. That through it all I was reliable and I did my best. It was about the money after all. It's how things are measured in this land for better or worse. How much was I worth? How much was my blood, sweat, and tears worth to this hellmouth of a place?
In the past I've gotten some good and mediocre reviews, but at least I got something out of it.
After some coaxing I got my review. It was written by someone who I hadn't worked with in literally ages and every full moon recently. I closed that place every night after all. Every "dayside" would gnaw off their leg like a trapped wolf than close.
Well, not all of them. But you catch my drift.
After much interminable diarea of the mouth I got to the part I wanted to hear.
"$0.00"
That's how much I was worth. The LOD who gave my review couldn't answer me why. My felt my jaw go slack and my forehead get sickly warm. I managed to get through the day in a zombie like daze. That's how much I was worth. That's how much a year of my life was worth. The couldn't even round my salary off to the nearest dollar!! They might as well walked up to me and spit in my face. This is unacceptable.
It's bad enough I have trouble with my own self worth, now this?
Someone is going to answer for this, and it ain't going to be pretty.
D-
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Monday, May 14, 2007
Mother's Day
It was Mother's day today, and as usual when it comes to holidays like this I was at work. Every thing I thought of typing here just seemed so ... unworthy in describing how much my Mom means to me.
She's my rock, she's saved my life so many times just being there for me with a kind word or a hug. In any fight she's always been on my side. If there's anything good in me it's because of her.
With everything my Dad has been through my Mom has been stronger than I could have thought before. She's quite simply the best person I know.
I've had more that a few dark times in my life, and have thought about doing things that could have ended my life. The One Thing that has always stopped me is what it would do to her.
I love her dearly, and I hope that I can always let her know that everyday is Mothers Day.
D-
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Illnesses In the Dark
I have a confession to make.
As a few of you know I'm really a shy person for the most part. I try to control it as best as I can, but it ... slips the leash. I could be trying to talk to someone I've known for 5 minutes or 5 years and BAM I just get toxically shy. Out of fucking nowhere. I see it in people's face when I just seize up, and it kills me. I might as well be trying to sell them insurance or "let me tell you about Our Lord Xenu". I feel like going somewhere and blowing my brains out. It's been the bane of my life.
Eye contact is hard for me too. Sometimes I wonder how many of my female acquaintances have thought I was staring at their chest when it was just me being shy? I shudder to think. Which is not to say that I'm not a straight hetero male who doesn't appreciate the female form.
I guess me bringing up the fact that I'm not the most socially adroit person around is like calling the sun bright and shiny. But whenever it happens to me I can't stop beating myself up over it. It's not like sleep has come easy lately. My Dad is in the living room in his recliner trying to sleep, but, he's been having these coughing fits. I'm in my room behind a closed door and I still hear him. One of the terms that my Mom said the docs brought up was "chronic bronchitis". I hope they're wrong. He's miserable and there's nothing I can do for him. I would share the burden if I could. Between his sickness and mine the night holds no comfort.
D-
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Friday, June 01, 2007
Whomever it may concern...
Dear God, if you are real, I've got a bone to pick with you.
What did my Dad ever do to deserve to be suffering so much? It just seems so wrong for him to be so frail and weak. Please give the doctors a fucking clue and find what's wrong and fix it. I'm beyond caring whatever pain you throw my way, emotional or physical. I haven't felt whole in a long time anyway. Just please make my Dad better. We all love him and he deserves to live a full life without pain.
I walk around feeling like I'm guilty of something and no one will tell me what I have done. I have asked for a moment of clarity since love has left my life it seems like ages ago. Show me that there's a point to it all, that it all isn't just random bullshit. Give me some strength to hold my head up and lighten my heart, because dude, the drugs aren't working.
I can't believe unless I have hope, and I haven't had that in a long time. I feel like an idiot just asking for all of this. It's like wishing Superman were real. But at this point it can't help but hedge my bets.
Oh yeah, if Jerry Falwell is up there with you : you're not an awesome god.
You feel me?
D-
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
WTF?
*Why the hell aren't there any decent Rock stations on the radio anymore? When I get in the car and change the channel around nearly 80% of the stations on the FM dial are non-english, country, or rap. What the hell happened? Do I have to buy an XM or Sirius radio tuner to listen to something I can stomach?
*Thank god for my Ipod, best investment I ever made.
*In a city that is supposed to be so rich why is there nothing to do? I mean, seriously in a college town, near several military bases, there is literally nothing going worth doing on a Saturday night. Well, other than go over to someone's house and get drunk.
*I don't get invited to those parties, btw.
*My job (and life) currently suck so hard black holes, porn stars, Orick vacuums, and former American Idol contestants are looking on in envy.
*I think Envy is a porn star name, don't ask me how I know this.
*Since I made my profile "public" the amount of spam I have in my inbox has exploded. It's always either a profile with no picture (thus engaging your curiousity) or some female model entirely too attractive to be emailing, well, me. It's always the same canned line about her AIM being wiggy or her girlfriend thinking I'm cute. Or, it's a cam whore with pictures convieniently off-site. I just find it funny, sad, or annoying depending on my mood.
*I read an article about what is considered "manly" anymore and what's not. One of those things is shivalry. The movie "Roxanne" being a prime example of this (which is based on Cyrano de Bergerac). People have been saying "shivalry is dead" for a long time. One point they made was the more you show attraction towards a woman the more they feel the exact opposite. That women want a man who really could give a shit about her, aparently. While I don't want to believe this, this is something I have experienced first hand. When I like someone, it's not something I can hide well. When I see someone who's beautiful and feel comfortable enough to tell them so, I do.
*It hasn't worked out very well so far.
*I think I need a drink....
D-
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
Love and the "Happy Ending"
*I'm not even sure what I should be writing about right now. Other than I should be writing more.
*Recently I said, in my random way, that I'm a athiest when I'm not in a relationship. Also, that if there is a god the evidence is in the opposite sex. (and someone in said conversation remarked "you don't have a reason to say "OH God" if you're alone). In looking back on that I've been in one love-type relationship in my life, so for the most part I've been in a "show me" state of mind when it comes to higher beings in general. Love to me is the same thing as magic. It's that thing that you cannot explain yet is just there. I guess it's all about belief. When someone looks into your eyes and you see it. Beautiful paralysis overcomes your higher brain. When you don't have it after having it it's like life becomes heavier and less bright.
*I have my ups and downs, somehow I keep on going cuts and bruises intact. Life without love isn't worth living, well, for long.
*Lack of sex isn't fun either. I've had two male friends recommend a shady massage parlor at the edge of town. It's not like I have anything against that sort of thing, but it's illegal here. The ladies who do this type of thing have no protection from the predators who prey on them. The whole thing is kinda ugly. I guess it all boils down to desperation to everyone involved. I want the person I'm intimate to be someone I have feelings for and vise versa. I'd like to think that I'm taking the high ground, but I guess it comes down to what I'm comfortable with.
*If two more years go by and I'm still alone, shoot me.
D-
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Thursday, May 24, 2007
"oh god, it's full of stars.."
Recently I bought myself a new camera. Lately whenever I get a chance on my days off I try to take some pictures. Lately it's been scenic stuff by the ocean. The camera is decent, but the focus seems to blurr when I try to get those far away shots. Not that I can complain, mind you. It's 5.0 megapixel digital with a decent preview screen, even if my hand isn't completely steady it doesn't flinch, 5 X zoom. Got it on clearence. :)
I went out with a girl I met on myspace once who took alot of self portraits. In getting to know this person I finally realized when she was doing. She, like me, has self esteem issues. What she was doing was taking pictures of herself to help her feel pretty.
People, alot of whom are on myspace, take alot of digital self portraits. I've done the same thing since I don't really have that many people around to take my picture. Most of which with my old crappy polaroid and are pretty grainy and the flash just makes things whiter.
Of course I made the mistake of taking a self photo with my new camera. 5.0 megapixels right in the kisser.
I felt like wearing a bag over my head until they spread my ashes from a coffee can a la The Big Lebowski. I never knew how much ugly I had inflicted on the world until then. Jeezus Monkey Christmas on a Stick. Oh, and the genetic curse of my father's hairline. Don't get me started...
Maybe people aren't so cruel, maybe they're just honest in their odd way. It's Darwinism in it's most raw form. They say on all those food shows that people eat with their eyes first. Maybe that's what people do when confronted with a new face. They can be the nicest, smartest, most loviing person in the world. But if they ain't pretty? It might as well you'd never had been born with sexual organs.
Sorry if I'm not in the best moods, my Dad is in the hospital again. Not much joy in the Wright house right now. It's like his body in in revolt against him.It makes me want to starve myself or do something else to improve my body. I need to loose some poundage, for sure. My diet isn't the best when the only things I have readily available are fast food near my job.
Maybe I can put some of this self loathing to good use. Ah who am I kidding, huh? When you're hungry, ya gotta eat. I'm not even sure this is a problem or not. I'm just rambling here.
D-
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
And I can't forget...
You were the first to make me feel
You were the last to touch me
You were the last to show me love
You're the one who pulled me from my home
You're the one who threw me away
From yours
You cut me up and made me bleed
To this day I can't stop it
Without the love you took away
You maimed me
Now I'm treated like a fool
But at least once I was yours
If I died tomorrow
You would never know
I can only hope but
Outlive you
My best revenge
Is to find someone
Better than you
Someone who's heart
Won't betray me
D-
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Friday, May 18, 2007
Hollow
When I came home from work I wasn't really in a bad mood, more tired and unfocused. Said hello to the parents and went to my room to peal off my work armor and sit at the computer and check my mail. As the night wore on I was gripped by this feeling of unease. It felt like a hole had opened up in my chest and I needed to fill it with something.
I called a friend and got her voicemail, it was after midnight after all. I went online and no one I knew was there. I could just see me going into one of those goddamn chatrooms and being IM'd by every cam-whore-bot on yahoo.
I had to resist the urge to start drinking, because last night it kept me up 'til 5am or so in the morning. Nothing is more depressing than watching the sun come up through the corners of your window shade in your bed alone and sleep deprived.
I'm sure There Are More depressing things than that but let's not depress ourselves further.
I can understand why people go home after work and get completely blotto alot more now. I think about my day and all I want to do is wipe it from my brain if only for a little while.
Thursdays seem to be harder for me to bare lately. All my days off are gone until after the horror of the weekend is over. There are other reasons but I won't get into those here. That Would drive me to drink.
My day wasn't that bad overall, it wasn't without it's personal dramas but it wasn't horrid. Maybe I just can't keep on an even keel either way.
D-
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
Not Half (w)Right
I've been let down by people in my life.
When I meet new people I always have that hope that this person will be someone for whom I can invest in. More often than not disappointment is just around the bend. In the past I've blamed it on the transient nature of this place. And, of course, I blame myself. I've been quite transparent in this here blog about my inadequacies so I won't pour over them again.
Sometimes there are people with whom I'd love to know better but ...for wont of a better term, I fuck it up. That's when I have to force myself to give up on people, it's hard for me to do. Sometimes my best intentions blow up in my face and leave me looking for pieces of my skull on the ground.
I've been given up on many times, because let's face it, I'm not all of that and a bag of Frito's. I'm sure if I was 6'2" and had a face and body of a male model I'm sure the opposite sex would find ways of dealing with my social maladroitness. I'm sure if I looked like Brad Pitt ladies wouldn't mind that I worked retail and don't drive.
Which is Not to say that all women are like this, hell no. I've met lots of intelligent women who love the same things I love and think I'm kinda cool in my way. But of course, all these women are taken, otherwise engaged, or imaginary. :)
But I digress slightly.
Sometimes I'm not the guilty party, some people are just mean. They'll lie to your face. Stab you in the back, tell the world and laugh about it. Make you dig your own hole and throw you in. Human beings can be the most vicious species on earth given a set of circumstances.
Beauty and love. Tragedy and pain. I need more of the first and less of the second...
I have a feeling I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people I've grown to care about. Most of which I'll never see again because distances aren't always measured in inches and miles.
Ian Fleming said that You Only Live Twice, but in a lifetime you seem to die many deaths. Death of dreams, death of the spirit, death of the heart. In my darkest hours I hope that one day it will all just put me out of my misery without me having to pull a trigger.
I look at people and I want them to prove me wrong. Tell me why and how it's all going to work out. I want to believe, I honestly do. Show me it's all not just a waste of time. It hasn't happened yet.
I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and try to visualize good things even if they seem so far fetched right now. I can't help but feel it's all so old and it's making me that way...
D-
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Less Than Zero
I know this probably isn't something I should vent about on here. But, I've never been known for doing the smart thing.
Besides, I'm bat-shit-ingly pissed off.
As everyone who's taken the time to read this blog, I've had a hell of a year. Personal, emotional, familial drama that's really beaten me up. I'm not the guy I used to be. I used to able to put on a smile and have a joke at hand for the people around me. I was odd, but on occasion at least I was an entertaining kind of odd. I used to be able to see something other than discomfort in people's eyes when I walked into a room. Or saw someone I knew from work outside of work and see that pinched expression I've come to know.
But through it all I was at work doing my best. I was there when all I wanted to do was stay home and sit with my Dad while he was going through chemo and radiation. I was there the day he was diagnosed. I was there even when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die because the depression was too heavy to bare. I was there on those frantic nights when my heart was beating out of chest trying to put the toy dept. back together again on a Sunday and a visitor was coming on Monday morning. I was there trying to keep it together while my heart was breaking one more time. I stayed there even after I cracked up in front of everyone on the front lanes. I did my job because it feels like it's all I have now. I wake up at 1:50 in the afternoon because I can't sleep after all the stress of being there until midnight. I have two weekdays to try to cobble together enough of a life to make it through to next week.
I don't have a life anymore, it's just some sick cracked reflection of existence.
I work hard at my job and sometimes it isn't enough. It's all started to weigh upon me and I just can't be the superhuman they want anymore.
They made me a "peer trainer" and they don't give me anyone to train. They give the trainees to other people with less experience but more speed. What's the fucking point? It's humiliating.
Every time I darken that place it just keeps getting worse. Yet another bullshit rule to make things harder on us. One more flaming hoop to make us less human and more like meat puppets on a merry-go-round. Which is worse, the fake smiley-face of smarmy Dr.Phil sensitivity or the cold uncaring corporate weasel-dom fighting for room in your chest cavity so it can make a nest?
I knew I was having an evaluation coming up, and I wondered how I did. It didn't really matter to me what they put on paper, in my heart I knew I was good. That through it all I was reliable and I did my best. It was about the money after all. It's how things are measured in this land for better or worse. How much was I worth? How much was my blood, sweat, and tears worth to this hellmouth of a place?
In the past I've gotten some good and mediocre reviews, but at least I got something out of it.
After some coaxing I got my review. It was written by someone who I hadn't worked with in literally ages and every full moon recently. I closed that place every night after all. Every "dayside" would gnaw off their leg like a trapped wolf than close.
Well, not all of them. But you catch my drift.
After much interminable diarea of the mouth I got to the part I wanted to hear.
"$0.00"
That's how much I was worth. The LOD who gave my review couldn't answer me why. My felt my jaw go slack and my forehead get sickly warm. I managed to get through the day in a zombie like daze. That's how much I was worth. That's how much a year of my life was worth. The couldn't even round my salary off to the nearest dollar!! They might as well walked up to me and spit in my face. This is unacceptable.
It's bad enough I have trouble with my own self worth, now this?
Someone is going to answer for this, and it ain't going to be pretty.
D-
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Monday, May 14, 2007
Mother's Day
It was Mother's day today, and as usual when it comes to holidays like this I was at work. Every thing I thought of typing here just seemed so ... unworthy in describing how much my Mom means to me.
She's my rock, she's saved my life so many times just being there for me with a kind word or a hug. In any fight she's always been on my side. If there's anything good in me it's because of her.
With everything my Dad has been through my Mom has been stronger than I could have thought before. She's quite simply the best person I know.
I've had more that a few dark times in my life, and have thought about doing things that could have ended my life. The One Thing that has always stopped me is what it would do to her.
I love her dearly, and I hope that I can always let her know that everyday is Mothers Day.
D-
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