hope is overrated

I had a job interview today at a bank. Well, not exactly a job interview, a teller's test. I sat in the waiting room with a sweet girl who was also taking the test. I guestimated she was prabably in her early 20's, beautiful blonde, vivacious, a red sweater that had a scoop-neck that couldn't contain pointy full breasts. She talked to me, which in my view, made my last couple of months. I was nervious as shit, even with an old friend from Target helping give the test. I talked up to and after the test, like 60 miles an hour. It was a test on teller related functions. Counting out money, but we were being timed. I Hate That. I know I probably flunked it. Even with a beautiful girl and two fellow geeks in the room. I was so fucking nervious counting imaginary money no less. I felt like i was going so slow, filling out that application before and after the test. God I can be such a dork.
Some people want to believe that god exists and he looks out for everyone like Superman patrolling the skies of Metropolis. I think of the times I screamed in my head for 'god' to help me, to ease my pain from my life in Baltimore coming apart at the seams. One night I just burst into tears, like they where shooting from a fire hydrant. "he is not listening, he's not there. there is no god." I still believe that to this day even when the pain is stitching over a bit. In a way it's comforting, it's like one question has been answered. I can go on.
Even when the God-Heads who have our govt, in their thrall spouting anyway they can about so-called moral values. God, jesus, and religion are for people who have nothing or everything. The people who want something or want to keep something. Nobody thanks god/jesus when they lose the big game or get hit by a bus. They blame themselves. Why not cut out the middle diety?

D-