Thursday, February 08, 2007
Cupid's Trick
Walk down the main isle in my store and you'll know it's on like Donkey Kong.
Valentine's Day.
I don't really hate this holiday, it's just kinda like a party I don't get invited to.
At first you're mad, then sad, and then resentful, and then the self loathing kicks in.
But that may just be me, but whatever.
I'd like to think of myself as a romantic at heart, lord knows I've humiliated myself in the name of Love in my life. I remember one time, in a bout of paranioa, my ex-gf worrying about someone else "finding" me, like I was some sort of buried treasure. I would assure her that I loved her but she was always jealous of things that were not there. I lived here for 28 years loveless and girlfriendless until I met her online, and she was worried about someone "better" (younger, thinner, etc.) coming around. It's funny if you think about it.
One of my friends mused to me that people in CA were too vain and caught up on image and money. She thought that I'd have a better time finding someone in another state than here. Hah, been there/done that/have the scars and the t-shirt to prove it. But if I think about it I did have more friends and went to more parties when I lived on the east coast. As well as love for as long as it lasted.
Even then this place called to me. I missed my family, watching my niece and nephew grow up, the weather and the ocean.
People don't talk to each other, they crash into each other. Force fields chaffing against each other.
Or maybe, again, it's just me.
Prove me wrong, Lady California, make me see
D-
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Sunday, February 04, 2007
2 Shots, 1 Beer
I didn't come home with the intent of getting drunk, but here I am.
I took 2 shots of vodka and a beer and I was flying high and feeling fuzzy. Star Trek, the original, was on tv. Comfort tv basically. My day wasn't all that great, under-manned (and under womaned for that matter) and under-gunned. I felt emotionally brittle for most of the day. Just one of those days you feel nothing but down. It seems as hard as I try it's never enough for some people. I can't help but take it personal even though most people don't. I can't see past my own heartache anymore. The place where I'm at is making me sick. People have lives, I don't, and it's killing me.
I hope this trip to Vegas a friend was so kind to invite me on will help my spirits. I've never been to Vegas so it'll be pretty cool. I'll be the only single person there and I don't know anyone who would want to go with me. I know a few who I'd like to have with me but they probably think I'm creepy. But, it'll still be fun to get out of this place for a while, gamble and maybe raise some hell.
I'm gonna get some sleep...
D-
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Saturday, February 03, 2007
Cluttered Synapses
I am such a pack-rat.
I spent part of the day trying to scrape out my room which had become...a nest essentially. All this crap has become part of my synaptic membrane, every little scrap of paper, bits of painted plastic. It reminds me of a Sherlock Holmes tv show they had on pbs years ago. His maid made the mistake of cleaning up his study and he flipped out. Apparently, had a filing system that went by how much dust was on the book or paper he needed at any time. To you it probably looked like a mess, but to him, everything was in the right place.
But of course, Holmes was a batshit crazy genius who did cocaine between cases BECAUSE HE WAS BORED.
Heh, not that I could be compared to him whatsoever, but you get the idea.
Also got to a movie tonite, "Smokin' Aces", it was alright. Had some fun stuff but lacked cohesion. I give it "a matinée with a good beer buzz".
D-
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Friday, February 02, 2007
Cut It Out
Current mood: tired
I learned earlier today as the 'rents got back from the umpteenth doctor visit that whatever cancer that was in my Dad's esophagus is gone. They wouldn't say "cancer free". That probably would have been too much to ask, but it's good news never the less.
What tempered my elation was that he has to have surgery to remove the dead tissue and other junk left over from the radiation therapy. Surgery is just scary to me. Being cut open like a deer and sewn back up again and hope to your creator that they didn't drop a wrist watch or a junior mint in there.
After they do all that maybe then I can be happy and let all the worry I had for him out. "The ball is still in play" as they say in the movies.
But still, it's good news.
D-
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Thursday, February 01, 2007
Shiny!
I finally did it, I bought a laptop.
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted one but I was always intimidated by them. Compared to the other computers I've tinkered with they were so...tiny. As well as expensive as fuck. It's only within the last couple of years that they've gotten into my price range.
I've done so much research and hand wringing (which is completely "normal" for me) it was just amounting to so much self flagellation. I literally had a panic attack in Circuit City for god's sake! It was all the salesman telling me horror stories and worst case scenarios when you don't buy the extended warranty. How do you expect a poor guy like me to buy anything nice if you lay that guilt trip in me? I mean, I have issues. My ex gf cut me loose from the opposite coast of the motherfucking continent because I didn't make enough money for her liking.
But, I digress.... :)
So I get the thing home and crack it open. The packaging gives me a cardboard paper cut first thing. "I guess it needed a blood sacrifice," I thought gravely. It's also a new OS, Windows Vista. If XP is like Fisher Price, Vista is like Hot Wheels. Very Shiny.
I hate it when you get a new comp and the company pre-loads all this software that you have to pay for after a month or so. I can get stuff for free on the internet that does the same thing. But so far so good.
Now all I need is a Jack Bauer-tough bag for my new precious....precious....must protects the precious...
Filthy Hobbittez!
D-
3:16 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Night Lives In My Heart
It's so damn quiet
All I hear is the hum of my computer
I should probably be sleeping
But I can't
My restless soul won't let me
I shop online
Afraid to buy anything
When a website won't tell
How much the shipping is
I fear for my pocket book
I hate my unsure brain
I loathe my unsteady heart
It's too late to drink
It's too late to call anyone
I grind my teeth
My brain hurts
The man in the mirror
Is the only one here
I give him the finger
I don't want to work tomorrow
Let me sleep
My knees ache
Oh god, kill me
I can't do it myself
I can't even decide
Whether to by a laptop!
Fuck you Dell
Tell me how much!
It's bled all the fun out of it
I hate my life
Or lack there of
Maybe I should lay down
My brain hurts
D-
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Sunday, January 28, 2007
youtube fishing
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Friday, January 26, 2007
2 years ago
It's ripped tattered and torn
Abused battered and worn
Neglected rejected and alone
Sent home cast aside
Left in the snow
Dripping wet
Mildewed and weathered
Dyspeptic and malformed
Should have never been born
Smells of ashes
Cigarette filters crushed and crumpled
Smelly clothes and brown lungs
She tasted like an ashtray
Lies of love remain cancerous
Rose colored glasses remain dangerous
Living with the pain alone
Reaching out to deaf ears
Going inward torn asunder
Never peaceful even in sleep
Jolting dreams
Never awaking
Going under
D-
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Rotten
As my day ended, when everything slowed down to a dull glide, I began to feel the crippling self loathing and regret throttle my heart. I looked for the bottle of vodka at the foot of my bed wondering if it would dull the rampant fear that I'd lose it.
It's not as if it was a bad day, it was stressful, but it had some genuine good parts. The pendulum swings so high only to crash down hard tearing any self worth from me. I think I'm truly sick, boys and girls. Something's rotten in the state of my mind and it needs to be cut out or drugged out of existence.
I need the voice in my head to stop telling me I'm no good because there's no one or no thing to counteract it. It's times like these I wish there really was a god to explain to me why he or she made me this way.
Either that, or like someone once suggested to me, I should go get laid.
I wonder if this is the way my grandfather felt when he'd go out and get hammered every weekend? This has always kept me from being the type of person who always needs to drink to relax.
In my life I cherish the small moments when I don't feel like a mutant around people. The small bright spots in my dimly lit room. The small window in my prison I call myself. Most people take them for granted. Shiny pennies looking up at you from the gutter. Not enough to build happiness from, but enough to take the chill off.
I'm rambling again....
D-
1:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 22, 2007
"Degrees of Mortal Hatred" or "Are you ready for the Super Bowl?"
Current mood: cranky
Lemme get this straight : I'm a 49er fan, like my father before me.
Sure, they might suck hind end right now, but I'm not one of those fair weather fans who's loyalties go wherever the fair wind blows.
When I lived back east I became a Baltimore Ravens fan through my ex gf who was a rabid fan. I even got to see their Super Bowl victory parade and a game while I was there. I try to follow them as best I can from here (they are in two different divisions so it's cool). Baltimore's original football team was the Colts, who are going to said Super Bowl. Ask any Ravens fan about how the Colts left Baltimore and you'll get the bitter, angry story.
Even Johnny Unitas, hall of famer for the Colts, never step foot in Indianapolis because of it.
In football (and most major league sports probably), when it comes time for the Big Game, and it's not your team out there, you root for the team you hate the most to lose.
In other words, I want to see the Colts get hung by their intestines on Super Bowl Sunday. I'm not saying I'm a Bears fan, I just wanna see Peyton Manning cry like the bitch that he is. Maybe even crap his pants on national tv?
Do it for Johnny U.
D-
Thursday, February 08, 2007
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