Saturday, November 11, 2006 Fiction and Dreams Books piled high Filled with impressions Of life laid flat Stories of love and death Great drama lit aflame Beauty made attainable Fiction and dreams It could never hold a candle To real love Warm like a family cat In one's chest Even in retrospect When the love is tainted With unrest and bitterness Even then When it's the only thing you know You try to keep it Even while it slips away Leaving you empty Like a book with no pages When the beauty of a sweet smile Leaves you sad inside Passion becomes self loathing All you want is to love.... Someone, anyone You want the pain to matter Even when everything means nothing When you become no-one to anyone You want to dream You need some ghost of a chance You need life to show you That hope isn't fiction Dreams laid flat On your shelf by the door With time yellowed Pages D- 1:32 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 The Other Shoe After mondays visit @ work I came in today wondering how it all would effect us. It must have sounded like a slaughterhouse processing veal in the meetings that day. All the managers looked shellshocked and demoralized, kind of like Ned Beatty after "that scene" in Deliverance. As with all things corporate it all trickled down and settled in the bottom (and smelled like a drainage ditch at Lolapalooza), namely on our shoulders. I won't get into the techno-babble of it all, but it's kind of like this. We are at war, trench warefare. Very little manpower, not enough ammo, everyone deaf and slightly crazy from fighting off an enemy that never lets up until nightfall. The generals want us all to take that hill and he's mad and crazy from syphilus climbing up his brainstem. Not enough ammo, not enough people, everyone is tired, soul-crushed and HE DOES NOT CARE. He knows what he wants and we have to do it or else. He's not the one who will give his life. It's our blood and our guts he will use to climb that hill. I am soul sick and tired of being on the verge of my cool snapping like a rotten floorboard. I used to like it here. I truly care about people here. I don't want to let anyone down. Right now I just know I don't want to lose it because I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I wish there was a third way out before the other shoe drops.... D- 1:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Monday, November 06, 2006 Do Not Resuscitate Needless to say, I awoke late in the day. My head felt like a bag of wet rocks and my mouth felt like a dry gravel road in the Sudan. I managed to stumble to the bathroom and nearly went back to sleep sitting there. Did I mention it was around 2 in the afternoon? I put myself back together in time for the parents to get home from Dad's almost daily radiation therapy. He caught himself a cold too so he wasn't very spritely to say the least, so he went to lay down. My Mom and I decided to go over to costco to get a roast chicken and some walnuts for holiday cookies. Cookies should be the only reason Christmas is allowed to go on at all. By the time I got dressed and got on the road I remembered that I forgot to take my meds. No wonder I felt like a bag of wet manure today! I was hungry so I got some pizza and we walked around looking at all the expensive crap we can't afford. When we got home Dad was still out cold until around 6pm so we ate a late supper and watched the Raiders get the crap kicked out of them (which is always fun) on Monday night football by the Seahawks. Eating a home cooked meal is a luxury to me since I've been working nights for so long. I retired to my room to around 9 to watch wrasslin' (one of my guilty pleasures) for a while when my Dad knocks on my door. He has in his hand a pamphlet what amounts to a living will. He tells me that since I'm the oldest child of the family that I, after my Mom, should be in charge of his last wishes (with my sis third in line). I looked over the papers and it was listing everything he did and didn't want to happen if the worst case senario should happen. If there was no hope of being brought back he didn't want to lay in bed like a vegetable on life support. He wanted to be cremated after his organs were harvested. I told him dryly "I sure hope they don't treat you like a yardsale while we're still in the room", recalling nightmare stories I'd heard on tv news magazine shows. My Dad shares my dark sense of humor. If there was no hope for him to come back fully he didn't want to be resuscitated. It's all scary as fuck, I don't mind admitting. This is what he wanted and I share alot of his concerns. Luckily this is far off in the distance and it's just words on a page right now otherwise....it would all be harder to take. I signed everything and gave him a hug (or as much of a hug I could because of the chemo machine). It's 3:16 in the morning now and the combo of the lack of antidepressents in my blood stream, my Dad's papers, and the last couple of days are weighing on me like bricks. I think I need to lay down... D- 3:25 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

The Toy Department of the Infinite Sadness It has been compared to building a house of cards in a tornado, building a sandcastle in a monsoon, but whatever you call it, it's working in the toy department on the weekend. This general feeling of moral distress was further exaserbated by series of visits by corporate weasels we are supposed to bow before and kill our first born for. But, my back hurts and my head is full of loose glass because I was there until a little before 1am in the morning because of said corporate weasels. If I were a violent man I'd be on a sandy hill with a 30 aught 6 rifle when they shuffled their desk idled asses into our fair store and make their heads into novelty ashtrays. If I was a mad dog killer. I'm not. Just a strange man no-one loves. Sweet monkey krist my head hurts, and I'm drunk. If someone else asks about Tickle Me Elmo anymore I'll puke on their shoes. Too many run-on sentences, sorry. I need some sleep.... D- 3:56 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 Typical Halloween I worked today, I should have asked for it off. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. There's just something so joyious about dressing up and running around in the dark. It's the holiday all the right people hate. Part of me knew that if I had asked for the day off that there would be nothing to do and no place to go. If I did work that day there would be all sorts of things to do but I'd be stuck at work. So, following my train of fucked up logic, I'd be screwed either way. It happened just like that. "I got a rock," as Charlie Brown said. It was relatively slow all night and even though we were short handed we were hopeful we'd get out of there early. That is, if we hadn't counted on the halloween costume dept. looking like it was ripped up and ravished by a gang of Orks. All the while I was waiting on a friend to return a call I made in return to her call to me. I thought at least I could spend a few hours with a friend the whole night wouldn't be a waste. I didn't hear from her until 1 am when she texted me that she had found a party to go to. Yep, just a typical Halloween. Sometimes ya just gotta lay there and wait for life to finish with you.... D- 6:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Mirage Current mood: uncomfortable I want to bury the thought of you Even if my heart warms itself on the memory Of the possibility of you You were what I thought I wanted It was all a mirage Something to keep my heart occupied While the loneliness drove me insane I honestly felt bad for you It's not as if you wanted it Even the thought of it Turned any kindness in you Into horror I can only beat myself up so much Even after all these years It gets a little old Even the anger is only Half hearted now Only a man like me Can turn something so Beautiful Into something so Ugly It seems D- 5:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Monday, October 30, 2006 Unknown and Uncomfortable Current mood: contemplative I'm beginning to wonder whether this blog is a healthy excercise or not. On one hand it's good to get all of this stuff out of my mind and see it floating on the screen. On the other, maybe it just paints me as more of a weirdo than I already am. Lord knows I don't want the villagers to come to the house with pitchforks and axes and run me out of town (yes, that was a Frankenstein reference). I shouldn't really care what people think of me, but I kinda do. It comes part and parcel with having low self esteem. Even if you hate yourself you want some people to like you. Otherwise what's the point of leaving the house? Or maybe only the few folks that have told me they've read it read it. It's not really an ego thing, I just wonder if I'm just shouting in the dark (which isn't so bad because then I don't censor myself). Maybe I'm not getting any feedback because people are uncomfortable? This is quite certainly a logical arguement. Everyone I know seems to be isolated into cliques, invisible bubbles of society that can only be peirced by military training and large amounts of alcohol. Unknown and Uncomfortable, that's a disturbing combination. I don't like secrets, and I also like to know where the knife is coming from. Being naive about social circles makes me wonder if I don't belong in a cave by myself, raising feral cats, and throwing my feces at lost tourists. If anyone is wondering about the new profile pic it was taken at the corn-maze in Watsonville. Some really nice people from work were sweet enough to include me and I just want to say thanks again. Maybe the geek can come in from the cold..... D- 2:02 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Saturday, October 28, 2006 uneven Current mood: numb I'm completely spent It had to happen sometime It wasn't like hitting a brick wall it was more like the crumble of rotten wood picked away by termites i haven't the patience anymore i'm fresh out of funny lines no pithy lies i wonder if i'm even me anymore or was it just the absence of you was it all just something else walking in my skin does a cup mean anything if there's nothing to fill it with all i have is hollow aches attached to hollow eyes numb fingers with nothing to touch i want to scream but i cannot haven't the energy oh well i might mean nothing to you but i mean even less to me i guess that makes us uneven d- 2:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Friday, October 27, 2006 Hollow & Chaffed Current mood: morose I had so many focused intentions about today. But, as usual with everything in my life, it all turned to shit quite quickly. If I could descibe it, the mood I had coming in today was "in mourning". Lately our phone has been ringing off the hook. Telemarketers, election shit, as well as relatives who want to check in on my Dad. Plus one of my Mom's older friends, with whom she has been helping with her errands since her husband passed away, is always calling about something. The treatment my Dad is undergoing is really taking the wind out of his sails. The doctors have been bombarding him with folders and pamphlets about his treatment and the sumo-wrestler's ass-load of side effects the feel he needs to be aware of. I try to be positive for him, but I feel useless because I can only sit there while he hurts. I tried to stay focused like I resolved to do at work but it still felt like there was a fog over everything I did. When lunchtime rolled around I really felt like I needed people around me. I don't like eating alone most of the time, I needed someone to talk to. If I find someone to eat with me I always try to treat, because the way I figure it it's the least I can do for putting up with me. I went and got my lunch and looked in the breakroom. There was no one there so I went into the meeting room next door. I listened to my Ipod, ate, and thought about things. I felt very alone, I don't have anyone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. My family is as scared shitless as I am. I have to be strong for my Mom so I can't show any chinks in my armor. I ate about half of my sandwich and feel kinda sick. "It's bad enough I can't help my Dad," I thought, "I can't even help myself." I put my head in my hands and cried. I hadn't cried at work in a long time, not since my ex was ripping my heart out (long distance style) a couple of years ago. It didn't help matters that I was working with a psycho boss at the time in the garden center. "At least this time I wasn't on the bathroom floor", I thought gravely. Today I sat there and got it all out, cleaned up my mess, and went back to work. My eyes felt raw and my face probably looked like a train wreck. Not that it mattered, because no one noticed. The rest of the night just annoyed me like working there tends to do these days. It didn't help matters I felt hollow and chaffed inside. I'm contemplating getting drunk but I know it never helps matters. I just don't know what to do anymore... D- 1:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Thursday, October 26, 2006 prayer for wednesday Current mood: discontent I have to learn to focus. I need to avoid those memories that damage my calm. I have to stop thinking so much. I need to force my way through it on a wave of focused energy. I need tunnel vision. I need the past to leave me alone at least for a day. I need to be resolute and cold. I need to stamp any sign of weakness out of my soul. I need my energy and adrenaline not to fail me. I need to not feel so damn much. I need to want nothing. I need to stop stealing with my eyes that which I cannot have. I have to forget that the day leads back to loneliness and yearning. I have to not be useless. D- 3:10 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 Vodka and Chocolate Milk Is it wrong to steal glances All our life is stolen moments Still pictures of life sweeping past Brains are wired only to see so much We breath in the moment we want to keep Like clutching sand in your fist in a storm Time beats us all into tatters Sometimes the punches stagger us Others hiss by like a flicked cigarette butt We try to clutch to others so we might steal their strength In a time when the world gets smaller by the day I feel so alone Cursing the demons inside Damning myself for missed chances Watershed mistakes Self-involved humming of a man Without a star in his dark sky Faith is trying to make something real that's not tangible Either way empty is empty When there's nothing there to fill it D- 1:50 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 Haunted, Unmedicated, Chemo Fannypacks Haunted, Unmedicated, Chemo Fannypacks Today was pretty quiet compared to yesturday. I got invited to a bbq/halloween thing at a co-workers house out in the country Sunday. It was alot of fun just hanging out and relaxing with people closer to my own age. I don't get to do enough of that. After we ate we went to this huge maze in a cornfield and wandered around in the dark for a couple of hours. The stars are alot brighter out there at night. After we went to this haunted house. I didn't really get all that scared, but it was pretty elaborate and very well done. I hadn't really had a good halloween experience since I left the east coast so I was gratefull I got the chance. I forgot to take my meds today so I've been fighting with moodiness all day. I should have taken it before I left for Borders but forgot. If I had been under any stress it would have been alot worse for me but overall the day was quite mellow. My Mom went to bingo with an older lady she takes care of so it was just me and Dad for the night. Today he got hooked up to his Chemo device. He has to wear it 5 days a week, 24 hours a day. I looks like a square fannypack but it's connected to a spot on his chest by a hose underneath his shirt. I tried to keep him in good spirits about it and we watched Monday Night Football (always nice to see the Cowboys get their ass kicked). Tomorrow his radiaton treatments start, all I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best.... I should go before the lack of meds in my system let the dark fog of shadows color my vision and I bum everyone out. Thanks to everyone who was at the bbq sunday for making me feel welcome. D- 2:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Friday, October 20, 2006 Daniel Explains It All Current mood: aggravated "What's wrong?" I guess if I went to a mental health professional he would diagnose me as "clinically depressed" and have been for all my life. My current (medical) doctor prescibed me with anti-depressents and they help a little bit but it doesn't improve on my physical symptoms i.e. feeling run down and tired, never getting enough sleep, general crankiness. It doesn't help matters that I'm shy and have the social skills of a feral cat. I've only had one girlfriend and that ended 2 years ago. Now I live with my parents. I've went on a couple of dates but they've ended to mediocre to disasterious results. I've had crushes on co-workers that have ended with friendship and mind-numbingly-soul exploding-.454 Casull Magnum bullet to the soul sized-awkwardness and self-flagelation for being so stupid respectively. I don't drive which has made me into a social pariah. Even children fresh from the womb drive in this state apparently. Woman who even talk to me for 5 seconds that I find even a little attractive find boyfriends or husbands within 4 seconds. Either that or they find me icky, not that I blame them. My Dad was just diagnosed with cancer and has to have Chemo and radiation therapy which will burn his insides for several months in a row. Working retail has left me with an opinion of humankind that isn't very good at all. Also, my knees are bothering me, and headaches. I'm 34 and I pretty much hate myself all the time. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..................... I'm not feeling so utterly fucking hot, ok? That's what's wrong with me children. But other that all that shit I'm doing fine and frickin' dandy, mm'kay? Yep, that's about it. Go whisper amongst yourselves, it's what people do best.... D- 2:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, October 18, 2006 Remnants Current mood: contemplative I have an idea, one that seems kinda strange. If you know know me at all this is no suprise. I'm going to get me an old cigar box and fill it with remnants. Old pictures of her, pictures of me with her, the places we went. Old letters and cards, you get the deal. I'm going to write her a new letter, the last one I'll ever pen. She stopped sending me emails months ago, never even replied when I sent her a birthday gift. If I did to her what she had done to me I would have told her I was sorry everyday 'til it stuck. I'm going to take that cigar box with me, back to cold Baltimore streets. I'm going to walk around the neighborhood we lived in, maybe eat a good cheese steak while I work up the nerve. I'm going to put the box on her doorstep, wrapped with a rubber band. With a note that says "Thanks for the memories, you can have them back". Then walk away forever. I don't love her anymore, but sometimes things need to be let go of. Time has made the pain hurt less, but the memories linger. After I'm done with that I'm going to get drunk with my old friends. Raise some hell and make some new memories and start anew. D- 3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 My Chemical Departed Current mood: tired The day started off rather peacefully. I probably hit the snooze button a dozen times or so and got up around 1:30. The house was empty, the light had that special tint that only the fall brings. I remembered that my Dad had another doctors appointment this morning so it wasn't that suprising. I spend the afternoon goofing around on the net until they got home. I guess the doctors have a gameplan as to my Dad's treatment. A "Chemical Coctail" he called it and also chemo and "radiation therapy". They start next week with it all. He might lose his hair and it might turn odd colors. He doesn't have alot of hair ontop so it's really not that far of a trip. He jokes he doesn't it to grow back red or black something.... It was about 3pm and I had't eaten anything so I took off for a bit to get some taco bell and to "air out". The air outside was crisp and windy and felt good. I wondered if it had started snowing in Baltimore yet. The lack of seasons here is a blessing and a curse sometimes. I finally got to see "The Departed" tonite and I must say its one of the best films of the year. All the performances were top notch and I wouldn't be suprised if there weren't multiple Oscar Nominations. Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio in particular, but everyone was top notch. Violent, brutal, funny, I'd see this one again in a heartbeat. For all ...two of you who replied to me about the new mix cd, I'm working on it right now. I'll have a song list in a week or so. Oh yeah, sorry about the drunk post the other night. Rough weekend. That's it for now, so as I've said in the past "You can be strange, just don't be a stranger." D- 1:52 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Monday, October 16, 2006 comfortably numb Work was horrible today. Actually the last couple of days were pretty bad. Like a bad dream lived over and over. I was in consumables tonite, as I was cleaning up the place and straightening beverages all I could think of was how they would mix with vodka. I'm a bit drunk right now. My knees ached like a '50 football player, I felt old. I don't have much energy anymore it seems. The negative thoughts in my head start to close in. I understand why the cool kids don't want me at their little parties. I can see it all reflected in their manner. I'm just old and fat and depressed. I just don't belong here anymore. I bust my ass all day to help people in that place but it really means nothing. All the good intentions in the world don't mean anything. It's just a sick joke that my life has become. I'm pretty useless right now, my head feels a ton, todays pressure feel like ashes in my hands.They wonder why have trouble smiling anymore. I need someone to prove me wrong. Give me something else to feel but bad. I need to lay down.... D- 2:59 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Thursday, October 12, 2006 Daniel the Friendly Ghost Current mood: cranky Up until recently I considered taking up smoking. Yeah, it's a nasty habit and it makes your clothes and breathe smell like ass, but I was reconsidering the length of the road ahead of me. I've been tired, deeply depressed, frustrated, and worst of all bored with my life. The cynic in me (which admittedly comprises alot) thinks that life isn't going to get much better than this. It's going to be all this going through the motions everyday untill I decay like a meteor entering the atmosphere. People I love, like, respect, and admire will pass in front of me without either a wink or a goodbye. I pass though life like a ghost it seems. A friendly ghost, but a ghost nevertheless. But I digress.... Smoking would have been a way to shorten things down. Even a short bad film you can sit through. Imagine having a lifetime of sitting through "The Last Action Hero", "Hudson Hawk" or "Batman and Robin"? I'd want my $7 bucks and 2 hours of my life back. I want to find something I love and let it kill me, but I don't have the energy to find it. If it even exists. I try to find signs of life in my life. I know this sounds redundant, and it probably is. It's just the spot I'm in right now doesn't feel like a life, it's more of an existance. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I go to sleep, lather/rinse/repeat. I see my family in between cycles, I see my co-workers everyday but for the most part (with exceptions) they want nothing to do with me unless they want something done, anyone else falls through the cracks because of my weird schedule. I shouldn't moan about anything, really. My Dad got some very encouraging news from his doctors the last couple of days. It's treatable they say, his cancer. They found it just in time. Cancer free in 5 years they say. Good new, I say. Now I just have to find a cure for my sickness..... D- 1:46 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 Love and Time Travel The movies make love so...romantic. Sounds kinda odvious dunnit? I was watching the end of this movie called "Timeline" in the breakroom before my shift started. I remember hearing it sucked when it originally came out so I'd never seen it. So, anyway, these time travelers were about to make the jump back to their original time. One of them decides to stay behind to but with this girl he met. He looks longingly at her as the others run off, being chased by armored horsmen with swords. Ok, now think about all the things we take for granted in our time. Soft toilet paper, fast food, da internetz, computers, weather-proofed houses, modern painkillers and other pharmacuticals, cars, radios, television, etc. You think he might re-think his position if he gets a compound fracture and they have to ambutate or they break out the leeches? Or maybe having to wipe with your hand or with some leaves for the rest of your life? What if the romance goes sour and he just looks at her and thinks "I'm missing the new episode of Lost because of you, you whore!"? No Taco Bell or Carls Jr. for fuck's sake. Or if he decides to use some of the knowledge he has to fuck with history. What if he gives them the knowledge to master gunpowder years before it normally did? Knights of the Round Table with cannons and muskets. England colonizes America a hundred years before the pilgrims did. Shit, they still thought the earth was flat then! I'm not saying that doing things for someone you love isn't a good thing. One of the few things I believe in is the transforming and elevating power of love. But when you are in love you tend to make some stupid decisions (believe me I know about this, Trust Me). All I'm saying is... Hmm, I have no point. Oh well... D- 3:35 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos