Sunday, July 15, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
blog.myspace.com/danmidnight
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Illnesses In the Dark
I have a confession to make.
As a few of you know I'm really a shy person for the most part. I try to control it as best as I can, but it ... slips the leash. I could be trying to talk to someone I've known for 5 minutes or 5 years and BAM I just get toxically shy. Out of fucking nowhere. I see it in people's face when I just seize up, and it kills me. I might as well be trying to sell them insurance or "let me tell you about Our Lord Xenu". I feel like going somewhere and blowing my brains out. It's been the bane of my life.
Eye contact is hard for me too. Sometimes I wonder how many of my female acquaintances have thought I was staring at their chest when it was just me being shy? I shudder to think. Which is not to say that I'm not a straight hetero male who doesn't appreciate the female form.
I guess me bringing up the fact that I'm not the most socially adroit person around is like calling the sun bright and shiny. But whenever it happens to me I can't stop beating myself up over it. It's not like sleep has come easy lately. My Dad is in the living room in his recliner trying to sleep, but, he's been having these coughing fits. I'm in my room behind a closed door and I still hear him. One of the terms that my Mom said the docs brought up was "chronic bronchitis". I hope they're wrong. He's miserable and there's nothing I can do for him. I would share the burden if I could. Between his sickness and mine the night holds no comfort.
D-
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Friday, June 01, 2007
Whomever it may concern...
Dear God, if you are real, I've got a bone to pick with you.
What did my Dad ever do to deserve to be suffering so much? It just seems so wrong for him to be so frail and weak. Please give the doctors a fucking clue and find what's wrong and fix it. I'm beyond caring whatever pain you throw my way, emotional or physical. I haven't felt whole in a long time anyway. Just please make my Dad better. We all love him and he deserves to live a full life without pain.
I walk around feeling like I'm guilty of something and no one will tell me what I have done. I have asked for a moment of clarity since love has left my life it seems like ages ago. Show me that there's a point to it all, that it all isn't just random bullshit. Give me some strength to hold my head up and lighten my heart, because dude, the drugs aren't working.
I can't believe unless I have hope, and I haven't had that in a long time. I feel like an idiot just asking for all of this. It's like wishing Superman were real. But at this point it can't help but hedge my bets.
Oh yeah, if Jerry Falwell is up there with you : you're not an awesome god.
You feel me?
D-
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
WTF?
*Why the hell aren't there any decent Rock stations on the radio anymore? When I get in the car and change the channel around nearly 80% of the stations on the FM dial are non-english, country, or rap. What the hell happened? Do I have to buy an XM or Sirius radio tuner to listen to something I can stomach?
*Thank god for my Ipod, best investment I ever made.
*In a city that is supposed to be so rich why is there nothing to do? I mean, seriously in a college town, near several military bases, there is literally nothing going worth doing on a Saturday night. Well, other than go over to someone's house and get drunk.
*I don't get invited to those parties, btw.
*My job (and life) currently suck so hard black holes, porn stars, Orick vacuums, and former American Idol contestants are looking on in envy.
*I think Envy is a porn star name, don't ask me how I know this.
*Since I made my profile "public" the amount of spam I have in my inbox has exploded. It's always either a profile with no picture (thus engaging your curiousity) or some female model entirely too attractive to be emailing, well, me. It's always the same canned line about her AIM being wiggy or her girlfriend thinking I'm cute. Or, it's a cam whore with pictures convieniently off-site. I just find it funny, sad, or annoying depending on my mood.
*I read an article about what is considered "manly" anymore and what's not. One of those things is shivalry. The movie "Roxanne" being a prime example of this (which is based on Cyrano de Bergerac). People have been saying "shivalry is dead" for a long time. One point they made was the more you show attraction towards a woman the more they feel the exact opposite. That women want a man who really could give a shit about her, aparently. While I don't want to believe this, this is something I have experienced first hand. When I like someone, it's not something I can hide well. When I see someone who's beautiful and feel comfortable enough to tell them so, I do.
*It hasn't worked out very well so far.
*I think I need a drink....
D-
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
Love and the "Happy Ending"
*I'm not even sure what I should be writing about right now. Other than I should be writing more.
*Recently I said, in my random way, that I'm a athiest when I'm not in a relationship. Also, that if there is a god the evidence is in the opposite sex. (and someone in said conversation remarked "you don't have a reason to say "OH God" if you're alone). In looking back on that I've been in one love-type relationship in my life, so for the most part I've been in a "show me" state of mind when it comes to higher beings in general. Love to me is the same thing as magic. It's that thing that you cannot explain yet is just there. I guess it's all about belief. When someone looks into your eyes and you see it. Beautiful paralysis overcomes your higher brain. When you don't have it after having it it's like life becomes heavier and less bright.
*I have my ups and downs, somehow I keep on going cuts and bruises intact. Life without love isn't worth living, well, for long.
*Lack of sex isn't fun either. I've had two male friends recommend a shady massage parlor at the edge of town. It's not like I have anything against that sort of thing, but it's illegal here. The ladies who do this type of thing have no protection from the predators who prey on them. The whole thing is kinda ugly. I guess it all boils down to desperation to everyone involved. I want the person I'm intimate to be someone I have feelings for and vise versa. I'd like to think that I'm taking the high ground, but I guess it comes down to what I'm comfortable with.
*If two more years go by and I'm still alone, shoot me.
D-
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Thursday, May 24, 2007
"oh god, it's full of stars.."
Recently I bought myself a new camera. Lately whenever I get a chance on my days off I try to take some pictures. Lately it's been scenic stuff by the ocean. The camera is decent, but the focus seems to blurr when I try to get those far away shots. Not that I can complain, mind you. It's 5.0 megapixel digital with a decent preview screen, even if my hand isn't completely steady it doesn't flinch, 5 X zoom. Got it on clearence. :)
I went out with a girl I met on myspace once who took alot of self portraits. In getting to know this person I finally realized when she was doing. She, like me, has self esteem issues. What she was doing was taking pictures of herself to help her feel pretty.
People, alot of whom are on myspace, take alot of digital self portraits. I've done the same thing since I don't really have that many people around to take my picture. Most of which with my old crappy polaroid and are pretty grainy and the flash just makes things whiter.
Of course I made the mistake of taking a self photo with my new camera. 5.0 megapixels right in the kisser.
I felt like wearing a bag over my head until they spread my ashes from a coffee can a la The Big Lebowski. I never knew how much ugly I had inflicted on the world until then. Jeezus Monkey Christmas on a Stick. Oh, and the genetic curse of my father's hairline. Don't get me started...
Maybe people aren't so cruel, maybe they're just honest in their odd way. It's Darwinism in it's most raw form. They say on all those food shows that people eat with their eyes first. Maybe that's what people do when confronted with a new face. They can be the nicest, smartest, most loviing person in the world. But if they ain't pretty? It might as well you'd never had been born with sexual organs.
Sorry if I'm not in the best moods, my Dad is in the hospital again. Not much joy in the Wright house right now. It's like his body in in revolt against him.It makes me want to starve myself or do something else to improve my body. I need to loose some poundage, for sure. My diet isn't the best when the only things I have readily available are fast food near my job.
Maybe I can put some of this self loathing to good use. Ah who am I kidding, huh? When you're hungry, ya gotta eat. I'm not even sure this is a problem or not. I'm just rambling here.
D-
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
And I can't forget...
You were the first to make me feel
You were the last to touch me
You were the last to show me love
You're the one who pulled me from my home
You're the one who threw me away
From yours
You cut me up and made me bleed
To this day I can't stop it
Without the love you took away
You maimed me
Now I'm treated like a fool
But at least once I was yours
If I died tomorrow
You would never know
I can only hope but
Outlive you
My best revenge
Is to find someone
Better than you
Someone who's heart
Won't betray me
D-
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Friday, May 18, 2007
Hollow
When I came home from work I wasn't really in a bad mood, more tired and unfocused. Said hello to the parents and went to my room to peal off my work armor and sit at the computer and check my mail. As the night wore on I was gripped by this feeling of unease. It felt like a hole had opened up in my chest and I needed to fill it with something.
I called a friend and got her voicemail, it was after midnight after all. I went online and no one I knew was there. I could just see me going into one of those goddamn chatrooms and being IM'd by every cam-whore-bot on yahoo.
I had to resist the urge to start drinking, because last night it kept me up 'til 5am or so in the morning. Nothing is more depressing than watching the sun come up through the corners of your window shade in your bed alone and sleep deprived.
I'm sure There Are More depressing things than that but let's not depress ourselves further.
I can understand why people go home after work and get completely blotto alot more now. I think about my day and all I want to do is wipe it from my brain if only for a little while.
Thursdays seem to be harder for me to bare lately. All my days off are gone until after the horror of the weekend is over. There are other reasons but I won't get into those here. That Would drive me to drink.
My day wasn't that bad overall, it wasn't without it's personal dramas but it wasn't horrid. Maybe I just can't keep on an even keel either way.
D-
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
Not Half (w)Right
I've been let down by people in my life.
When I meet new people I always have that hope that this person will be someone for whom I can invest in. More often than not disappointment is just around the bend. In the past I've blamed it on the transient nature of this place. And, of course, I blame myself. I've been quite transparent in this here blog about my inadequacies so I won't pour over them again.
Sometimes there are people with whom I'd love to know better but ...for wont of a better term, I fuck it up. That's when I have to force myself to give up on people, it's hard for me to do. Sometimes my best intentions blow up in my face and leave me looking for pieces of my skull on the ground.
I've been given up on many times, because let's face it, I'm not all of that and a bag of Frito's. I'm sure if I was 6'2" and had a face and body of a male model I'm sure the opposite sex would find ways of dealing with my social maladroitness. I'm sure if I looked like Brad Pitt ladies wouldn't mind that I worked retail and don't drive.
Which is Not to say that all women are like this, hell no. I've met lots of intelligent women who love the same things I love and think I'm kinda cool in my way. But of course, all these women are taken, otherwise engaged, or imaginary. :)
But I digress slightly.
Sometimes I'm not the guilty party, some people are just mean. They'll lie to your face. Stab you in the back, tell the world and laugh about it. Make you dig your own hole and throw you in. Human beings can be the most vicious species on earth given a set of circumstances.
Beauty and love. Tragedy and pain. I need more of the first and less of the second...
I have a feeling I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people I've grown to care about. Most of which I'll never see again because distances aren't always measured in inches and miles.
Ian Fleming said that You Only Live Twice, but in a lifetime you seem to die many deaths. Death of dreams, death of the spirit, death of the heart. In my darkest hours I hope that one day it will all just put me out of my misery without me having to pull a trigger.
I look at people and I want them to prove me wrong. Tell me why and how it's all going to work out. I want to believe, I honestly do. Show me it's all not just a waste of time. It hasn't happened yet.
I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and try to visualize good things even if they seem so far fetched right now. I can't help but feel it's all so old and it's making me that way...
D-
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Less Than Zero
I know this probably isn't something I should vent about on here. But, I've never been known for doing the smart thing.
Besides, I'm bat-shit-ingly pissed off.
As everyone who's taken the time to read this blog, I've had a hell of a year. Personal, emotional, familial drama that's really beaten me up. I'm not the guy I used to be. I used to able to put on a smile and have a joke at hand for the people around me. I was odd, but on occasion at least I was an entertaining kind of odd. I used to be able to see something other than discomfort in people's eyes when I walked into a room. Or saw someone I knew from work outside of work and see that pinched expression I've come to know.
But through it all I was at work doing my best. I was there when all I wanted to do was stay home and sit with my Dad while he was going through chemo and radiation. I was there the day he was diagnosed. I was there even when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die because the depression was too heavy to bare. I was there on those frantic nights when my heart was beating out of chest trying to put the toy dept. back together again on a Sunday and a visitor was coming on Monday morning. I was there trying to keep it together while my heart was breaking one more time. I stayed there even after I cracked up in front of everyone on the front lanes. I did my job because it feels like it's all I have now. I wake up at 1:50 in the afternoon because I can't sleep after all the stress of being there until midnight. I have two weekdays to try to cobble together enough of a life to make it through to next week.
I don't have a life anymore, it's just some sick cracked reflection of existence.
I work hard at my job and sometimes it isn't enough. It's all started to weigh upon me and I just can't be the superhuman they want anymore.
They made me a "peer trainer" and they don't give me anyone to train. They give the trainees to other people with less experience but more speed. What's the fucking point? It's humiliating.
Every time I darken that place it just keeps getting worse. Yet another bullshit rule to make things harder on us. One more flaming hoop to make us less human and more like meat puppets on a merry-go-round. Which is worse, the fake smiley-face of smarmy Dr.Phil sensitivity or the cold uncaring corporate weasel-dom fighting for room in your chest cavity so it can make a nest?
I knew I was having an evaluation coming up, and I wondered how I did. It didn't really matter to me what they put on paper, in my heart I knew I was good. That through it all I was reliable and I did my best. It was about the money after all. It's how things are measured in this land for better or worse. How much was I worth? How much was my blood, sweat, and tears worth to this hellmouth of a place?
In the past I've gotten some good and mediocre reviews, but at least I got something out of it.
After some coaxing I got my review. It was written by someone who I hadn't worked with in literally ages and every full moon recently. I closed that place every night after all. Every "dayside" would gnaw off their leg like a trapped wolf than close.
Well, not all of them. But you catch my drift.
After much interminable diarea of the mouth I got to the part I wanted to hear.
"$0.00"
That's how much I was worth. The LOD who gave my review couldn't answer me why. My felt my jaw go slack and my forehead get sickly warm. I managed to get through the day in a zombie like daze. That's how much I was worth. That's how much a year of my life was worth. The couldn't even round my salary off to the nearest dollar!! They might as well walked up to me and spit in my face. This is unacceptable.
It's bad enough I have trouble with my own self worth, now this?
Someone is going to answer for this, and it ain't going to be pretty.
D-
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Monday, May 14, 2007
Mother's Day
It was Mother's day today, and as usual when it comes to holidays like this I was at work. Every thing I thought of typing here just seemed so ... unworthy in describing how much my Mom means to me.
She's my rock, she's saved my life so many times just being there for me with a kind word or a hug. In any fight she's always been on my side. If there's anything good in me it's because of her.
With everything my Dad has been through my Mom has been stronger than I could have thought before. She's quite simply the best person I know.
I've had more that a few dark times in my life, and have thought about doing things that could have ended my life. The One Thing that has always stopped me is what it would do to her.
I love her dearly, and I hope that I can always let her know that everyday is Mothers Day.
D-
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Illnesses In the Dark
I have a confession to make.
As a few of you know I'm really a shy person for the most part. I try to control it as best as I can, but it ... slips the leash. I could be trying to talk to someone I've known for 5 minutes or 5 years and BAM I just get toxically shy. Out of fucking nowhere. I see it in people's face when I just seize up, and it kills me. I might as well be trying to sell them insurance or "let me tell you about Our Lord Xenu". I feel like going somewhere and blowing my brains out. It's been the bane of my life.
Eye contact is hard for me too. Sometimes I wonder how many of my female acquaintances have thought I was staring at their chest when it was just me being shy? I shudder to think. Which is not to say that I'm not a straight hetero male who doesn't appreciate the female form.
I guess me bringing up the fact that I'm not the most socially adroit person around is like calling the sun bright and shiny. But whenever it happens to me I can't stop beating myself up over it. It's not like sleep has come easy lately. My Dad is in the living room in his recliner trying to sleep, but, he's been having these coughing fits. I'm in my room behind a closed door and I still hear him. One of the terms that my Mom said the docs brought up was "chronic bronchitis". I hope they're wrong. He's miserable and there's nothing I can do for him. I would share the burden if I could. Between his sickness and mine the night holds no comfort.
D-
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Friday, June 01, 2007
Whomever it may concern...
Dear God, if you are real, I've got a bone to pick with you.
What did my Dad ever do to deserve to be suffering so much? It just seems so wrong for him to be so frail and weak. Please give the doctors a fucking clue and find what's wrong and fix it. I'm beyond caring whatever pain you throw my way, emotional or physical. I haven't felt whole in a long time anyway. Just please make my Dad better. We all love him and he deserves to live a full life without pain.
I walk around feeling like I'm guilty of something and no one will tell me what I have done. I have asked for a moment of clarity since love has left my life it seems like ages ago. Show me that there's a point to it all, that it all isn't just random bullshit. Give me some strength to hold my head up and lighten my heart, because dude, the drugs aren't working.
I can't believe unless I have hope, and I haven't had that in a long time. I feel like an idiot just asking for all of this. It's like wishing Superman were real. But at this point it can't help but hedge my bets.
Oh yeah, if Jerry Falwell is up there with you : you're not an awesome god.
You feel me?
D-
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
WTF?
*Why the hell aren't there any decent Rock stations on the radio anymore? When I get in the car and change the channel around nearly 80% of the stations on the FM dial are non-english, country, or rap. What the hell happened? Do I have to buy an XM or Sirius radio tuner to listen to something I can stomach?
*Thank god for my Ipod, best investment I ever made.
*In a city that is supposed to be so rich why is there nothing to do? I mean, seriously in a college town, near several military bases, there is literally nothing going worth doing on a Saturday night. Well, other than go over to someone's house and get drunk.
*I don't get invited to those parties, btw.
*My job (and life) currently suck so hard black holes, porn stars, Orick vacuums, and former American Idol contestants are looking on in envy.
*I think Envy is a porn star name, don't ask me how I know this.
*Since I made my profile "public" the amount of spam I have in my inbox has exploded. It's always either a profile with no picture (thus engaging your curiousity) or some female model entirely too attractive to be emailing, well, me. It's always the same canned line about her AIM being wiggy or her girlfriend thinking I'm cute. Or, it's a cam whore with pictures convieniently off-site. I just find it funny, sad, or annoying depending on my mood.
*I read an article about what is considered "manly" anymore and what's not. One of those things is shivalry. The movie "Roxanne" being a prime example of this (which is based on Cyrano de Bergerac). People have been saying "shivalry is dead" for a long time. One point they made was the more you show attraction towards a woman the more they feel the exact opposite. That women want a man who really could give a shit about her, aparently. While I don't want to believe this, this is something I have experienced first hand. When I like someone, it's not something I can hide well. When I see someone who's beautiful and feel comfortable enough to tell them so, I do.
*It hasn't worked out very well so far.
*I think I need a drink....
D-
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Saturday, May 26, 2007
Love and the "Happy Ending"
*I'm not even sure what I should be writing about right now. Other than I should be writing more.
*Recently I said, in my random way, that I'm a athiest when I'm not in a relationship. Also, that if there is a god the evidence is in the opposite sex. (and someone in said conversation remarked "you don't have a reason to say "OH God" if you're alone). In looking back on that I've been in one love-type relationship in my life, so for the most part I've been in a "show me" state of mind when it comes to higher beings in general. Love to me is the same thing as magic. It's that thing that you cannot explain yet is just there. I guess it's all about belief. When someone looks into your eyes and you see it. Beautiful paralysis overcomes your higher brain. When you don't have it after having it it's like life becomes heavier and less bright.
*I have my ups and downs, somehow I keep on going cuts and bruises intact. Life without love isn't worth living, well, for long.
*Lack of sex isn't fun either. I've had two male friends recommend a shady massage parlor at the edge of town. It's not like I have anything against that sort of thing, but it's illegal here. The ladies who do this type of thing have no protection from the predators who prey on them. The whole thing is kinda ugly. I guess it all boils down to desperation to everyone involved. I want the person I'm intimate to be someone I have feelings for and vise versa. I'd like to think that I'm taking the high ground, but I guess it comes down to what I'm comfortable with.
*If two more years go by and I'm still alone, shoot me.
D-
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Thursday, May 24, 2007
"oh god, it's full of stars.."
Recently I bought myself a new camera. Lately whenever I get a chance on my days off I try to take some pictures. Lately it's been scenic stuff by the ocean. The camera is decent, but the focus seems to blurr when I try to get those far away shots. Not that I can complain, mind you. It's 5.0 megapixel digital with a decent preview screen, even if my hand isn't completely steady it doesn't flinch, 5 X zoom. Got it on clearence. :)
I went out with a girl I met on myspace once who took alot of self portraits. In getting to know this person I finally realized when she was doing. She, like me, has self esteem issues. What she was doing was taking pictures of herself to help her feel pretty.
People, alot of whom are on myspace, take alot of digital self portraits. I've done the same thing since I don't really have that many people around to take my picture. Most of which with my old crappy polaroid and are pretty grainy and the flash just makes things whiter.
Of course I made the mistake of taking a self photo with my new camera. 5.0 megapixels right in the kisser.
I felt like wearing a bag over my head until they spread my ashes from a coffee can a la The Big Lebowski. I never knew how much ugly I had inflicted on the world until then. Jeezus Monkey Christmas on a Stick. Oh, and the genetic curse of my father's hairline. Don't get me started...
Maybe people aren't so cruel, maybe they're just honest in their odd way. It's Darwinism in it's most raw form. They say on all those food shows that people eat with their eyes first. Maybe that's what people do when confronted with a new face. They can be the nicest, smartest, most loviing person in the world. But if they ain't pretty? It might as well you'd never had been born with sexual organs.
Sorry if I'm not in the best moods, my Dad is in the hospital again. Not much joy in the Wright house right now. It's like his body in in revolt against him.It makes me want to starve myself or do something else to improve my body. I need to loose some poundage, for sure. My diet isn't the best when the only things I have readily available are fast food near my job.
Maybe I can put some of this self loathing to good use. Ah who am I kidding, huh? When you're hungry, ya gotta eat. I'm not even sure this is a problem or not. I'm just rambling here.
D-
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
And I can't forget...
You were the first to make me feel
You were the last to touch me
You were the last to show me love
You're the one who pulled me from my home
You're the one who threw me away
From yours
You cut me up and made me bleed
To this day I can't stop it
Without the love you took away
You maimed me
Now I'm treated like a fool
But at least once I was yours
If I died tomorrow
You would never know
I can only hope but
Outlive you
My best revenge
Is to find someone
Better than you
Someone who's heart
Won't betray me
D-
1:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, May 18, 2007
Hollow
When I came home from work I wasn't really in a bad mood, more tired and unfocused. Said hello to the parents and went to my room to peal off my work armor and sit at the computer and check my mail. As the night wore on I was gripped by this feeling of unease. It felt like a hole had opened up in my chest and I needed to fill it with something.
I called a friend and got her voicemail, it was after midnight after all. I went online and no one I knew was there. I could just see me going into one of those goddamn chatrooms and being IM'd by every cam-whore-bot on yahoo.
I had to resist the urge to start drinking, because last night it kept me up 'til 5am or so in the morning. Nothing is more depressing than watching the sun come up through the corners of your window shade in your bed alone and sleep deprived.
I'm sure There Are More depressing things than that but let's not depress ourselves further.
I can understand why people go home after work and get completely blotto alot more now. I think about my day and all I want to do is wipe it from my brain if only for a little while.
Thursdays seem to be harder for me to bare lately. All my days off are gone until after the horror of the weekend is over. There are other reasons but I won't get into those here. That Would drive me to drink.
My day wasn't that bad overall, it wasn't without it's personal dramas but it wasn't horrid. Maybe I just can't keep on an even keel either way.
D-
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
Not Half (w)Right
I've been let down by people in my life.
When I meet new people I always have that hope that this person will be someone for whom I can invest in. More often than not disappointment is just around the bend. In the past I've blamed it on the transient nature of this place. And, of course, I blame myself. I've been quite transparent in this here blog about my inadequacies so I won't pour over them again.
Sometimes there are people with whom I'd love to know better but ...for wont of a better term, I fuck it up. That's when I have to force myself to give up on people, it's hard for me to do. Sometimes my best intentions blow up in my face and leave me looking for pieces of my skull on the ground.
I've been given up on many times, because let's face it, I'm not all of that and a bag of Frito's. I'm sure if I was 6'2" and had a face and body of a male model I'm sure the opposite sex would find ways of dealing with my social maladroitness. I'm sure if I looked like Brad Pitt ladies wouldn't mind that I worked retail and don't drive.
Which is Not to say that all women are like this, hell no. I've met lots of intelligent women who love the same things I love and think I'm kinda cool in my way. But of course, all these women are taken, otherwise engaged, or imaginary. :)
But I digress slightly.
Sometimes I'm not the guilty party, some people are just mean. They'll lie to your face. Stab you in the back, tell the world and laugh about it. Make you dig your own hole and throw you in. Human beings can be the most vicious species on earth given a set of circumstances.
Beauty and love. Tragedy and pain. I need more of the first and less of the second...
I have a feeling I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people I've grown to care about. Most of which I'll never see again because distances aren't always measured in inches and miles.
Ian Fleming said that You Only Live Twice, but in a lifetime you seem to die many deaths. Death of dreams, death of the spirit, death of the heart. In my darkest hours I hope that one day it will all just put me out of my misery without me having to pull a trigger.
I look at people and I want them to prove me wrong. Tell me why and how it's all going to work out. I want to believe, I honestly do. Show me it's all not just a waste of time. It hasn't happened yet.
I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and try to visualize good things even if they seem so far fetched right now. I can't help but feel it's all so old and it's making me that way...
D-
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Less Than Zero
I know this probably isn't something I should vent about on here. But, I've never been known for doing the smart thing.
Besides, I'm bat-shit-ingly pissed off.
As everyone who's taken the time to read this blog, I've had a hell of a year. Personal, emotional, familial drama that's really beaten me up. I'm not the guy I used to be. I used to able to put on a smile and have a joke at hand for the people around me. I was odd, but on occasion at least I was an entertaining kind of odd. I used to be able to see something other than discomfort in people's eyes when I walked into a room. Or saw someone I knew from work outside of work and see that pinched expression I've come to know.
But through it all I was at work doing my best. I was there when all I wanted to do was stay home and sit with my Dad while he was going through chemo and radiation. I was there the day he was diagnosed. I was there even when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die because the depression was too heavy to bare. I was there on those frantic nights when my heart was beating out of chest trying to put the toy dept. back together again on a Sunday and a visitor was coming on Monday morning. I was there trying to keep it together while my heart was breaking one more time. I stayed there even after I cracked up in front of everyone on the front lanes. I did my job because it feels like it's all I have now. I wake up at 1:50 in the afternoon because I can't sleep after all the stress of being there until midnight. I have two weekdays to try to cobble together enough of a life to make it through to next week.
I don't have a life anymore, it's just some sick cracked reflection of existence.
I work hard at my job and sometimes it isn't enough. It's all started to weigh upon me and I just can't be the superhuman they want anymore.
They made me a "peer trainer" and they don't give me anyone to train. They give the trainees to other people with less experience but more speed. What's the fucking point? It's humiliating.
Every time I darken that place it just keeps getting worse. Yet another bullshit rule to make things harder on us. One more flaming hoop to make us less human and more like meat puppets on a merry-go-round. Which is worse, the fake smiley-face of smarmy Dr.Phil sensitivity or the cold uncaring corporate weasel-dom fighting for room in your chest cavity so it can make a nest?
I knew I was having an evaluation coming up, and I wondered how I did. It didn't really matter to me what they put on paper, in my heart I knew I was good. That through it all I was reliable and I did my best. It was about the money after all. It's how things are measured in this land for better or worse. How much was I worth? How much was my blood, sweat, and tears worth to this hellmouth of a place?
In the past I've gotten some good and mediocre reviews, but at least I got something out of it.
After some coaxing I got my review. It was written by someone who I hadn't worked with in literally ages and every full moon recently. I closed that place every night after all. Every "dayside" would gnaw off their leg like a trapped wolf than close.
Well, not all of them. But you catch my drift.
After much interminable diarea of the mouth I got to the part I wanted to hear.
"$0.00"
That's how much I was worth. The LOD who gave my review couldn't answer me why. My felt my jaw go slack and my forehead get sickly warm. I managed to get through the day in a zombie like daze. That's how much I was worth. That's how much a year of my life was worth. The couldn't even round my salary off to the nearest dollar!! They might as well walked up to me and spit in my face. This is unacceptable.
It's bad enough I have trouble with my own self worth, now this?
Someone is going to answer for this, and it ain't going to be pretty.
D-
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Monday, May 14, 2007
Mother's Day
It was Mother's day today, and as usual when it comes to holidays like this I was at work. Every thing I thought of typing here just seemed so ... unworthy in describing how much my Mom means to me.
She's my rock, she's saved my life so many times just being there for me with a kind word or a hug. In any fight she's always been on my side. If there's anything good in me it's because of her.
With everything my Dad has been through my Mom has been stronger than I could have thought before. She's quite simply the best person I know.
I've had more that a few dark times in my life, and have thought about doing things that could have ended my life. The One Thing that has always stopped me is what it would do to her.
I love her dearly, and I hope that I can always let her know that everyday is Mothers Day.
D-
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Monday, April 02, 2007
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
blog.myspace.com/danmidnight
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Cupid's Trick
Walk down the main isle in my store and you'll know it's on like Donkey Kong.
Valentine's Day.
I don't really hate this holiday, it's just kinda like a party I don't get invited to.
At first you're mad, then sad, and then resentful, and then the self loathing kicks in.
But that may just be me, but whatever.
I'd like to think of myself as a romantic at heart, lord knows I've humiliated myself in the name of Love in my life. I remember one time, in a bout of paranioa, my ex-gf worrying about someone else "finding" me, like I was some sort of buried treasure. I would assure her that I loved her but she was always jealous of things that were not there. I lived here for 28 years loveless and girlfriendless until I met her online, and she was worried about someone "better" (younger, thinner, etc.) coming around. It's funny if you think about it.
One of my friends mused to me that people in CA were too vain and caught up on image and money. She thought that I'd have a better time finding someone in another state than here. Hah, been there/done that/have the scars and the t-shirt to prove it. But if I think about it I did have more friends and went to more parties when I lived on the east coast. As well as love for as long as it lasted.
Even then this place called to me. I missed my family, watching my niece and nephew grow up, the weather and the ocean.
People don't talk to each other, they crash into each other. Force fields chaffing against each other.
Or maybe, again, it's just me.
Prove me wrong, Lady California, make me see
D-
3:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, February 04, 2007
2 Shots, 1 Beer
I didn't come home with the intent of getting drunk, but here I am.
I took 2 shots of vodka and a beer and I was flying high and feeling fuzzy. Star Trek, the original, was on tv. Comfort tv basically. My day wasn't all that great, under-manned (and under womaned for that matter) and under-gunned. I felt emotionally brittle for most of the day. Just one of those days you feel nothing but down. It seems as hard as I try it's never enough for some people. I can't help but take it personal even though most people don't. I can't see past my own heartache anymore. The place where I'm at is making me sick. People have lives, I don't, and it's killing me.
I hope this trip to Vegas a friend was so kind to invite me on will help my spirits. I've never been to Vegas so it'll be pretty cool. I'll be the only single person there and I don't know anyone who would want to go with me. I know a few who I'd like to have with me but they probably think I'm creepy. But, it'll still be fun to get out of this place for a while, gamble and maybe raise some hell.
I'm gonna get some sleep...
D-
3:11 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Cluttered Synapses
I am such a pack-rat.
I spent part of the day trying to scrape out my room which had become...a nest essentially. All this crap has become part of my synaptic membrane, every little scrap of paper, bits of painted plastic. It reminds me of a Sherlock Holmes tv show they had on pbs years ago. His maid made the mistake of cleaning up his study and he flipped out. Apparently, had a filing system that went by how much dust was on the book or paper he needed at any time. To you it probably looked like a mess, but to him, everything was in the right place.
But of course, Holmes was a batshit crazy genius who did cocaine between cases BECAUSE HE WAS BORED.
Heh, not that I could be compared to him whatsoever, but you get the idea.
Also got to a movie tonite, "Smokin' Aces", it was alright. Had some fun stuff but lacked cohesion. I give it "a matinée with a good beer buzz".
D-
3:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, February 02, 2007
Cut It Out
Current mood: tired
I learned earlier today as the 'rents got back from the umpteenth doctor visit that whatever cancer that was in my Dad's esophagus is gone. They wouldn't say "cancer free". That probably would have been too much to ask, but it's good news never the less.
What tempered my elation was that he has to have surgery to remove the dead tissue and other junk left over from the radiation therapy. Surgery is just scary to me. Being cut open like a deer and sewn back up again and hope to your creator that they didn't drop a wrist watch or a junior mint in there.
After they do all that maybe then I can be happy and let all the worry I had for him out. "The ball is still in play" as they say in the movies.
But still, it's good news.
D-
3:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Shiny!
I finally did it, I bought a laptop.
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted one but I was always intimidated by them. Compared to the other computers I've tinkered with they were so...tiny. As well as expensive as fuck. It's only within the last couple of years that they've gotten into my price range.
I've done so much research and hand wringing (which is completely "normal" for me) it was just amounting to so much self flagellation. I literally had a panic attack in Circuit City for god's sake! It was all the salesman telling me horror stories and worst case scenarios when you don't buy the extended warranty. How do you expect a poor guy like me to buy anything nice if you lay that guilt trip in me? I mean, I have issues. My ex gf cut me loose from the opposite coast of the motherfucking continent because I didn't make enough money for her liking.
But, I digress.... :)
So I get the thing home and crack it open. The packaging gives me a cardboard paper cut first thing. "I guess it needed a blood sacrifice," I thought gravely. It's also a new OS, Windows Vista. If XP is like Fisher Price, Vista is like Hot Wheels. Very Shiny.
I hate it when you get a new comp and the company pre-loads all this software that you have to pay for after a month or so. I can get stuff for free on the internet that does the same thing. But so far so good.
Now all I need is a Jack Bauer-tough bag for my new precious....precious....must protects the precious...
Filthy Hobbittez!
D-
3:16 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Night Lives In My Heart
It's so damn quiet
All I hear is the hum of my computer
I should probably be sleeping
But I can't
My restless soul won't let me
I shop online
Afraid to buy anything
When a website won't tell
How much the shipping is
I fear for my pocket book
I hate my unsure brain
I loathe my unsteady heart
It's too late to drink
It's too late to call anyone
I grind my teeth
My brain hurts
The man in the mirror
Is the only one here
I give him the finger
I don't want to work tomorrow
Let me sleep
My knees ache
Oh god, kill me
I can't do it myself
I can't even decide
Whether to by a laptop!
Fuck you Dell
Tell me how much!
It's bled all the fun out of it
I hate my life
Or lack there of
Maybe I should lay down
My brain hurts
D-
1:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, January 28, 2007
youtube fishing
3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, January 26, 2007
2 years ago
It's ripped tattered and torn
Abused battered and worn
Neglected rejected and alone
Sent home cast aside
Left in the snow
Dripping wet
Mildewed and weathered
Dyspeptic and malformed
Should have never been born
Smells of ashes
Cigarette filters crushed and crumpled
Smelly clothes and brown lungs
She tasted like an ashtray
Lies of love remain cancerous
Rose colored glasses remain dangerous
Living with the pain alone
Reaching out to deaf ears
Going inward torn asunder
Never peaceful even in sleep
Jolting dreams
Never awaking
Going under
D-
3:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Rotten
As my day ended, when everything slowed down to a dull glide, I began to feel the crippling self loathing and regret throttle my heart. I looked for the bottle of vodka at the foot of my bed wondering if it would dull the rampant fear that I'd lose it.
It's not as if it was a bad day, it was stressful, but it had some genuine good parts. The pendulum swings so high only to crash down hard tearing any self worth from me. I think I'm truly sick, boys and girls. Something's rotten in the state of my mind and it needs to be cut out or drugged out of existence.
I need the voice in my head to stop telling me I'm no good because there's no one or no thing to counteract it. It's times like these I wish there really was a god to explain to me why he or she made me this way.
Either that, or like someone once suggested to me, I should go get laid.
I wonder if this is the way my grandfather felt when he'd go out and get hammered every weekend? This has always kept me from being the type of person who always needs to drink to relax.
In my life I cherish the small moments when I don't feel like a mutant around people. The small bright spots in my dimly lit room. The small window in my prison I call myself. Most people take them for granted. Shiny pennies looking up at you from the gutter. Not enough to build happiness from, but enough to take the chill off.
I'm rambling again....
D-
1:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 22, 2007
"Degrees of Mortal Hatred" or "Are you ready for the Super Bowl?"
Current mood: cranky
Lemme get this straight : I'm a 49er fan, like my father before me.
Sure, they might suck hind end right now, but I'm not one of those fair weather fans who's loyalties go wherever the fair wind blows.
When I lived back east I became a Baltimore Ravens fan through my ex gf who was a rabid fan. I even got to see their Super Bowl victory parade and a game while I was there. I try to follow them as best I can from here (they are in two different divisions so it's cool). Baltimore's original football team was the Colts, who are going to said Super Bowl. Ask any Ravens fan about how the Colts left Baltimore and you'll get the bitter, angry story.
Even Johnny Unitas, hall of famer for the Colts, never step foot in Indianapolis because of it.
In football (and most major league sports probably), when it comes time for the Big Game, and it's not your team out there, you root for the team you hate the most to lose.
In other words, I want to see the Colts get hung by their intestines on Super Bowl Sunday. I'm not saying I'm a Bears fan, I just wanna see Peyton Manning cry like the bitch that he is. Maybe even crap his pants on national tv?
Do it for Johnny U.
D-
Cupid's Trick
Walk down the main isle in my store and you'll know it's on like Donkey Kong.
Valentine's Day.
I don't really hate this holiday, it's just kinda like a party I don't get invited to.
At first you're mad, then sad, and then resentful, and then the self loathing kicks in.
But that may just be me, but whatever.
I'd like to think of myself as a romantic at heart, lord knows I've humiliated myself in the name of Love in my life. I remember one time, in a bout of paranioa, my ex-gf worrying about someone else "finding" me, like I was some sort of buried treasure. I would assure her that I loved her but she was always jealous of things that were not there. I lived here for 28 years loveless and girlfriendless until I met her online, and she was worried about someone "better" (younger, thinner, etc.) coming around. It's funny if you think about it.
One of my friends mused to me that people in CA were too vain and caught up on image and money. She thought that I'd have a better time finding someone in another state than here. Hah, been there/done that/have the scars and the t-shirt to prove it. But if I think about it I did have more friends and went to more parties when I lived on the east coast. As well as love for as long as it lasted.
Even then this place called to me. I missed my family, watching my niece and nephew grow up, the weather and the ocean.
People don't talk to each other, they crash into each other. Force fields chaffing against each other.
Or maybe, again, it's just me.
Prove me wrong, Lady California, make me see
D-
3:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, February 04, 2007
2 Shots, 1 Beer
I didn't come home with the intent of getting drunk, but here I am.
I took 2 shots of vodka and a beer and I was flying high and feeling fuzzy. Star Trek, the original, was on tv. Comfort tv basically. My day wasn't all that great, under-manned (and under womaned for that matter) and under-gunned. I felt emotionally brittle for most of the day. Just one of those days you feel nothing but down. It seems as hard as I try it's never enough for some people. I can't help but take it personal even though most people don't. I can't see past my own heartache anymore. The place where I'm at is making me sick. People have lives, I don't, and it's killing me.
I hope this trip to Vegas a friend was so kind to invite me on will help my spirits. I've never been to Vegas so it'll be pretty cool. I'll be the only single person there and I don't know anyone who would want to go with me. I know a few who I'd like to have with me but they probably think I'm creepy. But, it'll still be fun to get out of this place for a while, gamble and maybe raise some hell.
I'm gonna get some sleep...
D-
3:11 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Cluttered Synapses
I am such a pack-rat.
I spent part of the day trying to scrape out my room which had become...a nest essentially. All this crap has become part of my synaptic membrane, every little scrap of paper, bits of painted plastic. It reminds me of a Sherlock Holmes tv show they had on pbs years ago. His maid made the mistake of cleaning up his study and he flipped out. Apparently, had a filing system that went by how much dust was on the book or paper he needed at any time. To you it probably looked like a mess, but to him, everything was in the right place.
But of course, Holmes was a batshit crazy genius who did cocaine between cases BECAUSE HE WAS BORED.
Heh, not that I could be compared to him whatsoever, but you get the idea.
Also got to a movie tonite, "Smokin' Aces", it was alright. Had some fun stuff but lacked cohesion. I give it "a matinée with a good beer buzz".
D-
3:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, February 02, 2007
Cut It Out
Current mood: tired
I learned earlier today as the 'rents got back from the umpteenth doctor visit that whatever cancer that was in my Dad's esophagus is gone. They wouldn't say "cancer free". That probably would have been too much to ask, but it's good news never the less.
What tempered my elation was that he has to have surgery to remove the dead tissue and other junk left over from the radiation therapy. Surgery is just scary to me. Being cut open like a deer and sewn back up again and hope to your creator that they didn't drop a wrist watch or a junior mint in there.
After they do all that maybe then I can be happy and let all the worry I had for him out. "The ball is still in play" as they say in the movies.
But still, it's good news.
D-
3:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Shiny!
I finally did it, I bought a laptop.
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted one but I was always intimidated by them. Compared to the other computers I've tinkered with they were so...tiny. As well as expensive as fuck. It's only within the last couple of years that they've gotten into my price range.
I've done so much research and hand wringing (which is completely "normal" for me) it was just amounting to so much self flagellation. I literally had a panic attack in Circuit City for god's sake! It was all the salesman telling me horror stories and worst case scenarios when you don't buy the extended warranty. How do you expect a poor guy like me to buy anything nice if you lay that guilt trip in me? I mean, I have issues. My ex gf cut me loose from the opposite coast of the motherfucking continent because I didn't make enough money for her liking.
But, I digress.... :)
So I get the thing home and crack it open. The packaging gives me a cardboard paper cut first thing. "I guess it needed a blood sacrifice," I thought gravely. It's also a new OS, Windows Vista. If XP is like Fisher Price, Vista is like Hot Wheels. Very Shiny.
I hate it when you get a new comp and the company pre-loads all this software that you have to pay for after a month or so. I can get stuff for free on the internet that does the same thing. But so far so good.
Now all I need is a Jack Bauer-tough bag for my new precious....precious....must protects the precious...
Filthy Hobbittez!
D-
3:16 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Night Lives In My Heart
It's so damn quiet
All I hear is the hum of my computer
I should probably be sleeping
But I can't
My restless soul won't let me
I shop online
Afraid to buy anything
When a website won't tell
How much the shipping is
I fear for my pocket book
I hate my unsure brain
I loathe my unsteady heart
It's too late to drink
It's too late to call anyone
I grind my teeth
My brain hurts
The man in the mirror
Is the only one here
I give him the finger
I don't want to work tomorrow
Let me sleep
My knees ache
Oh god, kill me
I can't do it myself
I can't even decide
Whether to by a laptop!
Fuck you Dell
Tell me how much!
It's bled all the fun out of it
I hate my life
Or lack there of
Maybe I should lay down
My brain hurts
D-
1:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, January 28, 2007
youtube fishing
3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, January 26, 2007
2 years ago
It's ripped tattered and torn
Abused battered and worn
Neglected rejected and alone
Sent home cast aside
Left in the snow
Dripping wet
Mildewed and weathered
Dyspeptic and malformed
Should have never been born
Smells of ashes
Cigarette filters crushed and crumpled
Smelly clothes and brown lungs
She tasted like an ashtray
Lies of love remain cancerous
Rose colored glasses remain dangerous
Living with the pain alone
Reaching out to deaf ears
Going inward torn asunder
Never peaceful even in sleep
Jolting dreams
Never awaking
Going under
D-
3:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Rotten
As my day ended, when everything slowed down to a dull glide, I began to feel the crippling self loathing and regret throttle my heart. I looked for the bottle of vodka at the foot of my bed wondering if it would dull the rampant fear that I'd lose it.
It's not as if it was a bad day, it was stressful, but it had some genuine good parts. The pendulum swings so high only to crash down hard tearing any self worth from me. I think I'm truly sick, boys and girls. Something's rotten in the state of my mind and it needs to be cut out or drugged out of existence.
I need the voice in my head to stop telling me I'm no good because there's no one or no thing to counteract it. It's times like these I wish there really was a god to explain to me why he or she made me this way.
Either that, or like someone once suggested to me, I should go get laid.
I wonder if this is the way my grandfather felt when he'd go out and get hammered every weekend? This has always kept me from being the type of person who always needs to drink to relax.
In my life I cherish the small moments when I don't feel like a mutant around people. The small bright spots in my dimly lit room. The small window in my prison I call myself. Most people take them for granted. Shiny pennies looking up at you from the gutter. Not enough to build happiness from, but enough to take the chill off.
I'm rambling again....
D-
1:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, January 22, 2007
"Degrees of Mortal Hatred" or "Are you ready for the Super Bowl?"
Current mood: cranky
Lemme get this straight : I'm a 49er fan, like my father before me.
Sure, they might suck hind end right now, but I'm not one of those fair weather fans who's loyalties go wherever the fair wind blows.
When I lived back east I became a Baltimore Ravens fan through my ex gf who was a rabid fan. I even got to see their Super Bowl victory parade and a game while I was there. I try to follow them as best I can from here (they are in two different divisions so it's cool). Baltimore's original football team was the Colts, who are going to said Super Bowl. Ask any Ravens fan about how the Colts left Baltimore and you'll get the bitter, angry story.
Even Johnny Unitas, hall of famer for the Colts, never step foot in Indianapolis because of it.
In football (and most major league sports probably), when it comes time for the Big Game, and it's not your team out there, you root for the team you hate the most to lose.
In other words, I want to see the Colts get hung by their intestines on Super Bowl Sunday. I'm not saying I'm a Bears fan, I just wanna see Peyton Manning cry like the bitch that he is. Maybe even crap his pants on national tv?
Do it for Johnny U.
D-
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