Sunday, October 08, 2006
200 Ton Gorrilla
Current mood: annoyed
Whe it comes to sex, we are all two-faced.
We want intimacy, we want closeness, we want that feeling that our chest is full flames. We want to look at the person we are with and see the love in their eyes.
Then there's the enraged savage who just wants to tear the other person's clothes off, grab hunks of warm flesh in their hands, and slam the ache in their loins away.
Primal "Animal Planet" stuff, if you will.
Before I experienced any of that (either variety), I thought that I could go without it forever. Sure I thought about it every hour on the hour, but, most guys do. It's hot-wired into our beings since we were cavemen and had to populate the earth. But I digress...
But afterwards, after I had a relationship, it became a different story. Once I experienced that type of intimacy, when I knew how it felt, it makes loneliness even more so after it ended. There's that old saying about "having loved and lost is better than not loving alone'' and you begin to wonder if it's bullshit.
If god supposedly "is" love what happens when love leaves you? After all the heartache with my ex I was beginning to get my legs under me. It's been two years now. While it's never been close to perfect at least there was some emotional wiggle room. Now with my Dad and his illness my life seems to have become a comedy of the worst sort. Makes you want to build a huge middle finger and mount it on your roof.
Even with the tumult, even with the "Perfect Storm" wave on the horizon called "the Holidays"...
The 200 Ton Gorrilla sits in the corner staring at me. Eyes glaring at me, as if to say "when are you going to feed me motherfucker?"
There's not a goddamn thing I can do about it, I'm completely inept in fostering non-platonic relationships. It was so hard to find someone who wanted me in the first place. "Grape Ape" could give a shit.
So, there he sits and I try to ignore him. Tell him to be content with Internet "junk food" and copies of Playboy and tell him to be patient. He usually calls me a cunt and turns his back to me.
Well, not really, I'm pushing the narrative too far. If I talked to invisible monkeys I'd Really be in trouble.....heh.
D-
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Friday, October 06, 2006
Random Brain Droppings
Current mood: contemplative
In a few hours the 'rents will be up and on their way to Stanford for more tests.
I'll be letting them borrow my cell phone for the trip up there "just in case". I offered to buy them one of those "pay as you go" phones but they said "no we don't need one of those! And besides it's just for one day."
I've been carrying that thing pretty much everyday since I came into possession of it. It will feel very weird not to have it on me.
For some reason I have that scene from "Return of the Jedi" in my head when Han lets Lando borrow the Millenium Falcon since he's going to go play with the Muppets....um, Ewoks. "Yeah, I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm never gonna see her again."
I've used the phone less and less as of late. Maybe it's because I'm not popular or something...
My parents are such techno-phobes, it took me a couple of weeks to teach them how to use the computer. I guess it's where I get all that patience the people at work seem to think I have.
If I can teach my parents to how to program their vcr, use a computer, send email and surf the net, and use a cell phone I can teach Corky from "Life Goes On" how to "zone" and use a walkie talkie.
Oblah Dee Oblah Dah.
I'm not boasting either, I don't have an ego to inflate.
This was an odd day indeed, for example:
I waited on a lady today who wanted some very specific items. Brands that probably got lost in the shuffle during the remodel. At one point she turned to me and said (and I'm paraphrasing here) "You need to go to college because you're too smart and nice to be working here for the rest of your life."
I was flabbergasted and probably blushed a little. I said thank you and have a nice day (or something to that effect) and went about my day. It's not every day you get that kind of advice from someone you've only known for 10 minutes. She's probably right about going back to college, but I'm just at a loss where I would find the energy for it all....
Smart only goes as far as other people let you go, whereas stupid people with connections can become president. And nice...well...is about the same. Nice people are easier to forget or take advantage of. Nice is only of any interest if "handsome" or "rich" are in the same sentence to some people. I can't really help it anymore, it was how I was brought up. You can only wait for so long for karma to bring some of it back to you.
Fucking Buddists.
Every cynic is a broken dreamer my friend.
But enough negative talk, I want to thank everyone who's given me a kind word about my Dad's ailment. I'm trying to stay positive and do as much as I can to provide moral support.
Again, Thanks.
D-
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Thursday, October 05, 2006
M.C. Escher and theToy-Eating Coy Pond
Current mood: tired
Today I went with the parents to CHOMP for one of my Dad's tests. The skies were grey and dark and it was sprinkling a bit.
It was with that atmosphere that we drove up and walked in. I lugged my backpack containing comics and other stuff just in case of a long wait. My Dad couldn't wear anything metalic because of the nature of the scan so I was elected time-keeper of the day.
I hadn't been to the hospital since my nephew was born and that as in the middle of the night. In daylight the place looks different and alot more busy.
The design of the place hasn't changed much. I would have thought I was in a timewarp if not for the flat panel monitors at the secretaries desks.
The place is a rat's maze with more in common with an M.C. Escher print than a hospital.
My most vivid memory of the place was waiting in the lobby near this big Coy pond with my Grandma. My sister was being born. I had this pullback Batman motorcycle I was quite fond of and I was playing with it. To make a long story short I lost two of those toys to that goddamn Coy pond. It's not like I was aiming them at the tiny decorative gaps between the floor and the pond. It was a hazzard.....and yes I'm still pissed about it.
That smell, like something dying and something being born in the same contained space. It's like the starting, middle and finishing line for us all. It's like what Jim Morrison said "No-one gets out of here alive"
We get there, on time I might add, and we get to sit there for an hour more while people on gurneys and wheelchairs pass by us. I don't feel like reading I just sit there and be there for my Dad. Be present, y'know. Then this one old lady comes over, making the pretence that she's waiting for a friend, and wants to start a coversation with my Mom. Apparently she was so enamored with a free weekly paper called "The Fool" she had to leaf through it and comment on or laugh at every page. I had enough of it and decided to get a water or a soda and something for my Dad since they hadn't allowed him anything but water since 9pm the previous night because of this test. I managed to find the snack bar and the dreaded Coy pond which they had made even bigger, and make it back. I was slightly proud I didn't get lost.
My Dad finally gets in there and they say he'll be about an hour and a half, so my and Mom decide to escape into town and I get my weekly comic book fix.
When we get back the chatty lady is gone so we wait a while longer. I play solitare on my ipod while Mom does a crossword. When Dad reappears he's rarring to go get something to eat so we hit the road.
I guess it wasn't a bad day but I really don't want to make going to the hospital a regular thing. Don't get me wrong I want to be there for my family as much as I can. It's just hospitals creep me out, is all.
D-
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Tuesday, October 03, 2006
My Old Man
Current mood: depressed
All my depression and general moroseness when it comes to my life takes a back seat to it. The cold blinking eye of mortality and possible destruction of the "tent pole" of my family, my Dad.
Work takes a back seat to this, any type of social life I might want, any emotional reserve I might want to keep for myself is out the window. It's about as subtle as a thunderbolt in a closet. Possible death of someone I hold dear.
I can see how he's trying to be strong for me and it makes me tremble inside. Not that he should lash out at us and curse the heavens or the Basic Ultra Light 100s he used to smoke. It just shows me how much he cares and wants me to not worry about him.
Fathers and sons have a different relationship than mothers and daughters, at least in my generation. No guy wants to think he's emotionally weak in front of his father. Now its' all bets are off.
I still have something inside, some hope I guess, that this will be okay in the end. That something like cancer can't effect "my old man". That medical science will win this time.
I'll hold onto hope untill it splinters in my hands. I'll make a conference call with any deities that will listen.
Amen.
D-
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Sunday, October 01, 2006
"No Beach To Walk On..."
Today was pretty horrible. At work nothing got done, at least in the place I was assigned to. We got stuck on the front registers and ended up neglecting the rest of the store. The toy department looked like a bomb salvo hit it from an offshore submarine. It's like being gang raped by fire-ants while being buried up to your neck. You just have to hope they lose interest and go away.
I got home in time to talk to my Dad before he went to sleep. He was wondering if I wanted to go up to Stanford friday for one of his medical tests. They would have to leave at 4 am in the morning to get there by 7am and there was no telling if I'd get home in time to go to work. I normally get home from work around 12am in the morning and my head doesn't hit the pillow until around 3:30am maybe. Needless to say it would be difficult to operate an nearly zero hours sleep, although it could be done.
My Mom told me later that he was kinda joking about it, but I'd do it if he really wanted me to. I mean, this is serious shit. It's not like he has a bunion or something!
Anyway, I retired to my bedroom in time to watch the newly re-mastered Star Trek episode "The Naked Time". For those of you who actually have a life and don't live in your parent's basement, it's the episode where Capt. Kirk and crew get infected by this space disease that brings out character traits that only come out while you're drunk on Jaager.
Oddly enough I decided to fix an alcoholic beverage myself which is making my spelling for shit right now. Some cheap vodka I got at Longs the other day, mixed with Mike's Hard Berry. I must be tired or a total lightweight because I'm kinda drunk.
The new and cleaned up special effects are kinda neat, but in the original Star Trek, the actors ARE the special effect. I mean, Shatner and Nimoy are that show. Without them that show would be just another cheesy 60s tv show. Pathos and emotion, people! Without all that it would be polyester and cardboard sets.
All the also-ran spin-offs are mousefarts in the dark compared to the original. At least that's my opinion.
There's this one line that always rings in my mind. Kirk gets the disease and goes off on this rant about being in command, how he compares the Enterprise to a woman and how he secretly has the hots for his hot blondeYeolman. He can't love his ship like a woman even though "it's called 'she'". Anyway he manages to make it back to the bridge, ship about to blow up, he looks at her and says "no beach to walk on" while almost stroking her cheek.
Self pity, obsession, longing, sexual repression, self doubt. It doesn't sound like the "space cowboy" everyone says Captain Kirk is does it?
When I'm at work, and I have to be in charge, I try to channel my inner Captain Kirk. My inner Shatner, if you will. You don't have to be perfect, you just can't be a dick, and do the best you can.
Right now, I just want someone to love and a beach to walk on.
D-
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Friday, September 29, 2006
Daniel's Very Bad Day
Current mood: exhausted
The day started the usual way.
I woke up around 1pm, brushed my teeth, and said hi to the parents.
Then it went wrong.
My Mom had clearly been crying, her face was red. My Dad looked stricken. They went to the doctor this morning and they were told that the growth in my Dad's chest, the thing that had given him trouble swallowing, was cancerious.
Cancer, in his espophogus.
I was in shock, I knew it there was a chance that it could be that but it still felt like someone hit me with a hammer. I was full of questions that they had no answers to. For the first time in memory my Dad did two things that he had just never done in my presence.
He said he was sorry and he cried.
I hugged him and started crying, my Mom started crying again. I told him to not give up and they'll be able to pop this thing like a zit. It was just crazy, things like this don't happen to them.
This was a few hours before I was scheduled to go to work. I told them that if they wanted me to stay home I would. I wanted to be there for them.
They told me they needed to go to his regular doctor for a consultation and then (and this part blew my mind) if he felt up for it, GO BOWLING.
They told me I should take my mind off of things and go to work.
So I went and took a shower, and ate some lunch. Just like a normal day.
My sister and her kids came running in the house. Back from school bouncing around the house like rubber balls. My niece asked my Dad if he was over the "flu" in his chest.
He said "Yes dear, all better."
I nearly lost it.
My Dad gave me a lift to work and we talked. He said that the doctor was going to do more tests to see about getting rid of this thing. I didn't want to go to work, but they wanted everything business as usual. I said goodbye and walked into work.
I was the walking wounded most of the day, I talked to a few people about things, just in case I needed to leave unexpectedly. It felt good talking to people about it. I'm not even sure my parents want me to talk to anyone they know about this.
All I knew is if I didn't let this out it will rot my insides out.
When I got home from work they were both still up, and they were hopeful from the doctor's visit. The have to go to Stanford for some tests as well as a doctor in Monterey. It was a relief that there as a flicker of hope. Maybe it's just a bump on the highway. I hope.
I sit here and I feel drained, I actually asked someone to pray for him because I don't believe anymore. I may be a cynic and may be an athiest but I believe in hedging my bets, dude. My soul maybe cursed but my Dad has a chance and I am nothing if not flexible.
So, that's what my day was like.
How was yours?
D-
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Sunday, September 24, 2006
Update
Current mood: exhausted
I know I haven't written in a long time. Just seem either to busy or too exhausted to sit down and blog. Or maybe too caught up with things.
Anyway, here it goes...
Family stuff has been on my mind, my Dad might be sick. He had alot of tests the other day, and is going to have an MRI tuesday morning. They found something in his esophogis (sp) and they want to check it out. The whole thing fills me with a sense of dread even though it might be nothing. Even with all the depression and drama of my life my parents have been one of the constants in my life. I mean, as much as I've tried not to be like my Dad and have locked horns with him, I love him. I just don't know how I'm going to handle it if something happens to him.
I've been trying to keep it together as much as I can at work with that on my mind. The past couple months it seems have been "trying" to say the least. It's like they want the place to fall apart at the seams. I've been shouldering some of the burden (even though I'm not getting paid any more $$ for it) because it's needed. It's becoming clear to me that I need to either "go up" or "go out" in that place.
It hasn't all been dread and bloodshed, I had a night out with a nice lady I met here. We were both nervious so I just made her laugh the whole night, walked around Fisherman's Wharf and saw ""The Illusionist" at the Osio theatre. It's a good movie, thumbs up.
That's about it for now, more later maybe...
D-
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Monday, September 18, 2006
Check out this video: Targ-U-Mentary
Posted By:Gotham Hyperspace Films LLC
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Sunday, September 17, 2006
Deep thoughts
Current mood: contemplative
Looking in the mirror is never a fair indication as to whether you should leave the house. There is never an amount of showering, shaving, clean clothes, aftershave lotion, excetera, that can keep people from seeing anything other than what they think you are. You may look at that guy in the mirror and see things no-one else will see.
What people see and what you are ARE two different things.
Are we who we think we are or is it just self delusion we use to get through the day? Memories bend around like silly putty as we lay down new experiences in our head. Can they really be trusted? Emotions aren't subject to the same scientific detangling than actual facts.
We all see life though are own lenses. Maybe we all are just animals with an oversized organ in our cranium.
The concept of god maybe just an attempt for us to bring order to a world where essentially there is none. While no one can refute the existance of a higher power, you can't prove there IS one either.
I mean, I've done my share of talking to someone up there but haven't had one result to show for it.
If I'm alone, is it because I want to be?
There are people currently getting drunk right now. People I know from work, people I know and are around on a regular basis. People I'm friendly with.
Friendly is never enough.
When it comes to those essential strands of human commerse, all my life, I've slid through the cracks. This has always been someting I've beaten myself up about. I've never been that guy. I guess I've always been the weird one, the guy who doesn't fit in. People don't know what to make of me, I suppose. I mean sure, there are outcasts that band together.
I don't even fit in with them.
I have fantasies about winning the lottery or having some brilliant stroke of luck that flips my life into something else. Being who I am, on my terms, without the need for anyone other than who I want, no opologies.
Or even being wanted for exactly who I am.
Being accepted.
Deep thoughts on a Saturday night.
D-
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Thursday, September 14, 2006
Nic Cage's Hair is in Flames
No this isn't about "Ghost Rider".
Against my better judgement I went to see "The Wickerman" because my mom wanted to see it and didn't want to go by herself.
She really likes Nic Cage, even though his choice of material as of late as been not so hot.
The movie is a remake of a british horror movie that is held in high regard by film buffs. One of the last Hammer Studio Horror movies, I could be wrong.
The remake, without going into alot of plot points for those who are lucky not to have seen it, is like an M.Night Shamalan movie written and directed by a guy who hates anything walking the earth with a vagina or a guy with a personality so foul he can only get laid in a gloryhole in Bangkok.
The plot annoyed and some of the serious dialog made me laugh but kept me there to wait for "the big Reveil" at the end.
I was mesmerized by Nic Cage's hair for some odd reason. I know he's thinning ontop (we are all slaves to heredity, I'm definitely no stranger to that) so he must have had a top notch team looking after it. If I had his money so would I, or I'd just say fuck it and do the Bruce Willis thing.
I fear if I did shave my head I'd look more like Curly from the Three Stooges than Bruce (or that guy from The Shield).
But anyway, not a good date movie to say the least....
D-
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Keith Olbermann's Special Comment on Bush 9/11/06
Category: News and Politics
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Elliott Smith Live: Needle in the Hay
Category: Music
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September 1, 1939 by W.H. Auden
Category: Art and Photography
September 1, 1939 by W.H. Auden
I sit in one of the dives
On Fifty-second street
Uncertain and afraid
As the clever hopes expire
Of a low dishonest decade:
Waves of anger and fear
Circulate over the bright
and darkened lands of the earth,
Obsessing our private lives;
The unmentionable odour of death
Offends the September night.
Accurate scholarship can
unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad,
Find what occurred at Linz,
What huge imago made
A psychopathic god:
I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.
Exiled Thucydides knew
All that a speech can say
About Democracy,
And what dictators do,
The elderly rubbish they talk
To an apathetic grave;
Analysed all in his book,
The enlightenment driven away,
The habit-forming pain,
Mismanagement and grief:
We must suffer them all again.
Into this neutral air
Where blind skyscrapers use
Their full height to proclaim
The strength of Collective Man,
Each language pours its vain
Competitive excuse:
But who can live for long
In an euphoric dream;
Out of the mirror they stare,
Imperialism's face
And the international wrong.
Faces along the bar
Cling to their average day:
The lights must never go out,
The music must always play,
All the conventions conspire
To make this fort assume
The furniture of home;
Lest we should see where we are,
Lost in a haunted wood,
Children afraid of the night
who have never been happy or good.
The windiest militant trash
Important Persons shout
Is not so crude as our wish:
What mad Nijinsky wrote
About Diaghilev
Is true of the normal heart;
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.
From the conservative dark
Into the ethical life
The dense commuters come,
Repeating their morning vow,
"I will be true to the wife.
I'll concentrate more on my work,"
And helpless governors wake
To resume their compulsory game:
Who can release them now,
Who can reach the deaf,
Who can speak for the dumb?
All I have is a voice
To undo the folded lie,
The romantic lie in the brain
Of the sensual man-in-the-street
And the lie of Authority
Whose buildings grope the sky:
There is no such thing as the State
And no one exists alone;
Hunger allows no choice
To the citizen or the police;
We must love one another or die.
Defenceless under the night
Our world in stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages;
May I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaguered by the same
Negation and despair,
Show an affirming flame.
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Monday, September 11, 2006
Caring is Creepy
I remember things, small things, about people. Even though I have trouble with names sometimes I'll remember what type of music they like or what football team they follow.
I'm the one who notices if someone got a haircut.
It's not often when people confide in me so to get to know each other I have to be somewhat of a detective. You hear or overhear something about them and file it away. It's the small details that have the most weight sometimes.
But, y'see it can bite you in the ass (like in detective work) if you emotionally invest yourself in someone who really doesn't know you. You begin to see slights where there really aren't any. Just the set of people's eyes or the tone of their voice can ruin your day.
That's the pain of the shy person, when everyone makes you feel nervious and alone. You feel alot of things that only you see. But you also see beauty where others might not. It's like being out of sync with everyone around you because it's all just too much.
Maybe this all doesn't make much sense, I don't find much sense in myself sometimes. Sometimes I fear that if I do tear it all out and lay it on the ground like a dissassembled computer just to see how it all works.
I'd be a different person when I stuff the guts back in.
D-
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Popped Blood Vessels
Current mood: annoyed
My day started way too early and entirely none too fucking good.
I don't remember what time it was although I was aware that everyone in the house was sleeping, so around 7am maybe. I had been doing alot of tossing and turning during the night but even I suprised myself when I, almost on auto-pilot, threw the covers off and sat up on the edge of my bed.
My stomache was grumbly but I thought it was nothing.
As I got up and as I got near the bathroom my stomache did a barrel roll. I managed to make it to the bathroom and...
I don't think I need to complete that narrative other that to say it was violent and woke everyone up within a quarter mile radius.
I will never eat my mother's bbq pork before bed Evar Again.
I was expecting Jimmy Hoffa and the gunman from the Grassy Knoll to come shooting out of my mouth.
It left me with a sore throat that made me sound like my balls just dropped all day and a face full of popped blood vessels.
As I look on my clock it says it's officially September 11, 2006. The anniversary of ... well you know unless you live in a cave or something.
And if you do live in a cave, look around and see if Osama Bin Hiding is around.
If he is, please kill him, because our President doesn't seem to give a crap anymore.
On that day I was on the west coast sound asleep when the towers fell. When I woke up I got a message from my ex gf telling me what had happened and watched it on tv. It was so sureal and horrific, everyone was in a state of shock. We did come together as a country for a little while but as with most good things they come to an end.
Like with most gatherings of people, like family functions, someone has to do something stupid. Like Cousin Georgie who gets too drunk and cops a feel on his grandfather's young trophy wife or Aunt Sadie falling into the buffet table.
It's September 11, 2006 are we any closer to the truth?
Has any sense of justice been obfuscated by the bungling of our government in the Middle East?
How many more people are dead because of all of this?
Enough, I'm even more depressed now....
D-
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Sunday, September 10, 2006
The C Word, Neurosis, and Johnny Cash
Current mood: drained
As the holidays slowly roll in like a runaway locomotive from miles away. Yet so close you can almost taste the blood in your mouth as it crushes your ribcage into baco-bits, the thoughts of "fight or flight" enter the corner of your brain.
Even saying the "C" word feels like saying "bloody Mary" into a mirror in partial jest. Yet, there it is.
I'm not sure I can do this anymore.
Yeah, I said it.
I'm not sure there's an anti-depressent strong enough to get me through it alive. It's like seeing the wave from "the Perfect Storm" getting near your boat and knowing it's going to happen and you're frozen to the spot.
My neurosis always gives me trouble when it comes to looking for a new job, it always has.
My chemical imbalance. My dark places.
"Self Worth" issues in politically correct jargon. How do you sell yourself is you don't think you're all that great.
I was talking to a co-worker today who was lamenting about how everyone is leaving it seems. I told her it happens every year, people go back to school, get fed up with everything and find new jobs, move away, etc.
It brought to mind that lyric from the song "Hurt" a NiN sound that Johnny Cash covered not too long ago.
"Everyone I know / Goes away / In the end"
When you stand in one spot long enough everything passes you by...
D-
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Thursday, September 07, 2006
"Blood on the Highway"
Current mood: cranky
All of this could probably be traced back to me not driving.
I could argue and have many valid points as to why I shouldn't be driving, but, in the end it's part of my problem.
The problem that is my life as it is now.
I don't get invited out to do things because I don't drive. I don't have a decent / living wage job because I don't drive. I can't invite people to do anything because I don't drive a car to transport anyone in. I could go on and on ad nausium.
Driving makes me nervious. I've had panic attacks just taking the test.
Blame "Blood on the Highway" also. A cautionary tale shown to us by my driving class teacher back when they still showed "film strips" on old projectors.
I know I'm dating myself, piss off.
Mangled bodies splattered all over the road, jutting out of mangled cars. Legs and brains laying in the road without their owners.
I wasn't even allowed to see rated R movies at the time and they were showing me this shit. Car as weapon of mass destruction. Marry that to my Dad driving around like Dale Earnhardt Sr. with me in the back hanging on for dear life (this was back before seat belt laws).
Can you say "childhood trauma" boys and girls?
Listen I know I need to learn how to drive, I have no illusions about that. Part of my social life as a human being has been lost because of this. Pile ontop everything else in my life and that's a road to hoe, brotha.
*Sigh*
Anyway, that's me thinking again....
D-
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"I'm Guilty" or "one that myspace nearly ate on 3:03am 8/25/06"
I'm Guilty
I admit I was wrong
I admit to dreaming
I'm guilty
Looking back on it
I had the best intentions
A place all bad ideas are paved
I wanted to feel
Something other than despair
I wanted her to feel
Loved unconditionally
I know it was
Beyond any type of
lasciviousness
I knew she was
nervous around me
I didn't have a clue
I was contemplating
Something...
Self destructive
I knew how I felt about her
I felt the clock ticking
My fear building
What elevated me
Was also killing me
I knew she didn't really
Feel anything for me
I was blinded
Like being too close to the sun
My brain was inadequate
In controlling my heart
But in the end
It didn't help me
Everything is still tentative
Careful choosing of words
Makes me want to cut myself
Just to feel the pain on the outside
For a change
It's wrong and I'd never do it
But it still hurts
Being the fool
D-
3:03am 8/25/06
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Wednesday, September 06, 2006
In Dreams
Current mood: drained
Welcome to my place
I hope you don't mind the mess
It was such a surprise
Finding you there
It may have been the alcohol
But I feel light headed
Something about being around you
Makes me fly
It was so hot in that place
I needed to get out
The noise made it hard for me
To hear you
Forgive me for wanting
To hang on every word
It's been so long since
Someone made me feel
Time go so quickly
In a good way I mean
This whole night feels electric
Like I'm wired up like a kid
On Pixie Stix
You'll forgive me for acting so
Strangely
It's the way you look at me
It makes me feel safe
Like I knew you before
Does it sound cliche?
My face feels hot
I need to sit down
Can I hold your hand?
If I'm running a fever
Or have the flu
If being here with you
Made me sick
I hope I never get well
I wish this were real
I wish it wasn't a dream
I don't want to wake
I just want to sleep.
D-
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Monday, September 04, 2006
Dragging Low
Today I tried to take it easy. The last four days had taken their pound of flesh from me and I was achey and dizzy. I went out for a little while, walked around Borders with my Mom and bought some early christmas presents for my niece and nephew. My niece is a budding artist and I think that's pretty darn cool. I think I was the same when I was her age. I wish I had the energy to put twards my art that I used to.
I need a few more days to relax, maybe walk to the beach like I did a couple weeks ago. Work has gotten worse and worse lately. I'm afraid it's going to buck me off like an enraged bull before I can motivate myself to find something else. It's all getting old, unless something starts to look up my days are numbered in that place...
I had a really nice conversation online with a sister of a friend. It seems like whenever I'm attracted to someone they're either taken or severely not attracted to me. I need to start playing in a new sandbox or my crotch is going to drop off from atrophy.
D-
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Sunday, September 03, 2006
Old Wounds, Old Friends, etc.
Current mood: contemplative
I'm thinking of visiting the east coast, the Baltimore area to be exact.
The place that I first found love and lost it.
It might as well have been a foreign country to me. They spoke with a different accent, ate alot of different things than what I was used to, different social climate altogether.
It was my home for two years.
It was my first time for alot of things. Living on my own, having and living with my first gf.
First snowfall, first blizzard, first baseball game (Camden Yards, Giants vs. Orioles), first concert (Everclear/Matchbox 20/Lifehouse- Baltimore Arena), First truly fucking hot summer (90 degrees 100 percent humidity).
First time getting drunk.
First time someone who loved me broke my heart
I still have friends there and it suprises me that they still remember me. I've always thought myself as a 'slip-under-the-radar' type of guy.
I still have alot of unresolved feeling for that place. Putting old ghosts to bed might be good for me. And having some fun with friends and raising some hell sounds pretty damn sweet from where I'm standing now.
I wonder if I should go see my ex. She's back with her ex-husband after she kicked me back across the country. I got really close with her family when I was there. There were so nice and made me feel like a part of them. I was so scared and homesick and it meant so much to me.
It's certainly something to think about.
D-
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Saturday, September 02, 2006
"This is my boom-stick, you primates!"
Current mood: annoyed
When you work around the public as much as I do you get to hate people.
There, I said it.
On a busy day you get treated like the last human in a zombie movie. Everyone wants a piece of you. They all feel entitled to your undivided attention. They all want what they want NOW. It must be what it's like being a teacher for mentally disabled children.
There are signs for everything there. For the bathroom, for the price-scanners, for the departments, for the isles numbers, for the shit in the isle, for the service desk, etc. Do people take the time to read? Shit no.
The company doesn't want to spend the money to have enough people for the sales floor and the cash register either so we have to go back and forth thus insuring that neither job gets done to their satisfaction.
Not to say the people who work there aren't innocent. Some people come there to work and some come there to hang out and do less than zero and collect a check until someone gets wise and fires them.
One either shakes their head in the bull-headed futility of it all or goes insane.
My schedule insures that I don't have any life whatsoever. My take home pay insures that I have to live at home or live with an army of roommates for the rest of my life. Not having a life insures that I won't get laid like ever. Being depressed all the time pretty much dooms me from having any friendships or lasting relationships.
Need I go on?
Yes I'm being negative. Someone show me the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, goddamnit. Give me a reason not to be depressed for 5 fucking seconds.
I don't rant and rave and poor my heart out because I'm another Emo twit. I don't feel the need to put on an affectation that I'm so deep and moody either. Nothing annoys and dismays me more than when someone doesn't understand me. Understanding and communication are important to me.
Ah fuck it, enough ranting for one night....
D-
Currently listening :
Gentlemen
By The Afghan Whigs
Release date: By 05 October, 1993
1:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, September 01, 2006
This Ain't About Regrets....
Current mood: frustrated
Tonite, due to circumstances unknown to me, I was wearing the team lead hat tonite. I was in twelve places at once and had to be right there right fucking now. I think I'm not enough of a person who gets off on ordering people around for that gig. I just tried to get things done the best I could and that's the jist of it.
I just wish I didn't have to do that AND do my regular job too.
Pile ontop of that some mr. big whig whoopie fucking doo is coming into town tomorrow morning, multiple call-offs, and not enough cashiers....
I need to lay down before I fall down.
God help the next person that attempts to get in my face about anything.
D-
2:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday's Child
Current mood: depressed
I try so hard
To keep it together
Seems like standing in place
Takes forever
Going faster just tires me out
Leaving sweat on my scalp
Trying to ignore my
Latest disaster
I need something to
Make it all okay
I need to be forgiven
For the holes in my soul
And the pitfalls within
I need an angel
To hold on tight
Help me say aloft
It's hard to feel
Anything but alone
It's not enough to talk anymore
Everyone seems so far
Away
Everyone's afraid of me
That my gravity has failed
And the vacuum remains
Clutching blindly
Pulling in the light
Leaving only dark
'Til the sun blinks out
I fear that all my hurt
Will make me bitter and hard
Spirit crushed like
Waves on the shore
Make it go quickly
Or at least make it seem that way
I don't care which
Anymore
D-
Currently listening :
Hot Fuss
By The Killers
Release date: By 15 June, 2004
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Sunday, August 27, 2006
Storybook Story
Current mood: depressed
Once upon a time there was a boy who was a man.
He lived a long time with an old soul and a young heart in a city by the ocean.
The boy lived his life the best he can and tried to help people more than himself.
One day he found an odd feeling that he hadn't felt in a long while.
He thought that it was love but he wasn't quite sure.
It was for a beautiful girl who acted like a woman, one who didn't think of him as anything.
He knew this and tried to fight it.
As the loneliness grew in his life his heart took mattters into it's own hands.
Or to his wrist to be more precise.
One morning he woke up and found his heart had travelled to rest on his sleeve.
He was suprised to say the least.
His head had always won battles with his heart in the past.
But there it was, red and beating, on his arm.
He went to people he knew for counsel.
Hoping that they would help him bring closure to the drama.
This only made matters worse in his small community.
He was afraid of what the girl might think if he showed her his rebel valve-pump.
(she already seemed nervious around him already)
It seemed the only way to make it go away.
He grappled on how to say it.
He tried to show her in person.
The pain was unberrable and the heart thudded like a ticking clock.
In his desperation he even considered cutting it off.
But instead he wrote her a letter.
Opologetically stating how his heart felt for her, his brain knowing what a lost cause it was.
The heart was actually suprised when the golf club hit it.
She thought it was a bug, and reacted as such.
The man with the old soul knew that the heart was a metaphor but wasn't counting on the real pain.
Life hasn't changed for better or worse since that day. Days exchange names one after the other and move along and on. The man hopes he has learned from his mistakes but ....he knows better.
The End
D-
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Saturday, August 26, 2006
Another One
Current mood: cranky
Shitty Shitty Fuck Fuck
Shitty Shitty FUCK
Another day at work
The place makes me think thoughts that shouldn't be allowed. Like I literally have to think like a rabid werewolf in order to get though the day.
I need a life, I need some affection, I need to wake up from a sound and restful sleep next to someone soft and warm and smells like perfume and vanilla.
I need a new drug.
I need to have one of those moments that makes me feel like god really exists.
Show me something you slacker! Might as well be talking to myself for all the good it does. Show me I'm wrong to think you don't exist, you douche!
Yeah, yeah, I know. Move along, nothing to see here....
D-
3:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 25, 2006
Everything Falls Apart
Current mood: tired
Everyone seems to be leaving or thinking about leaving.
Retail work works in cycles, people stay/ people leave. Even more so since the place is made up of military people and students for the most part. The work can be soul crushing and that throws people off too. It's like a giant rolling turd going down hill. People stick for a minute then get flung off covered in feces, or they stay stuck in the centrifical force and stay. The country side of their lives rolling about just out of reach while stuck in dung unable to move.
Sometimes you just want it all to hit a big rock that spatters you and the shit you're stuck in. You walk away sodden but free.
Until the money runs out. Time to find a new job!
Some people become friends, sometimes you hate their guts, most of the time they're "just someone you work with". I've had a long run, seen alot of people come and go, maybe I've overstayed my welcome.
Or maybe I'm just tired.
D-
1:57 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Thursday
Current mood: melancholy
I wish
Like I do every night
That I can make it through tomorrow
That I can be strong enough
That I can keep it together
I wish I could just quit
Run away and hide
I'm not the man I used to be
Or maybe I just haven't changed enough
I wish I had an ego to deflect it
Or the social skills to bounce back from it
It just makes me mad
Self loathing after
Then depressed
And I can't stop it
Even when I know it's there
If only
If Only...
D-
3:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
My Missing Part
Current mood: lonely
I'm sitting in my room
It's getting kinda late
The clouds inside decide to part a bit
And I wonder where she is
Is she sitting in the dark like I am
Wondering if I exist
They say there's someone for everyone
But then they say alot of things
If I could save one small dream from harm
It would be that one
That even if I never met her
( if the fates want their last joke upon me)
The missing puzzle piece that my heart lacks
That she be loved and cherished
Made to feel wanted
That even if I spend my life alone
My missing part wouldn't be
I could live with that sacrifice
Knowing even if I'm not happy
Someone I love is
I wish that for anyone who's brought light to my life
Like the song lyrics go:
"I'm never going to know you now,
But I'm going to love you anyhow"
D-
Currently listening :
XO
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 25 August, 1998
3:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, August 21, 2006
anti-social behavior
Current mood: depressed
I have to learn how not to care
I have to learn to blind my soul
I have to learn to be alone
I have to let go of the need
I have to finally lose faith in people
I have to stop the yearning
I need to give up
I need to stop caring what people think of me
I need to get over the concept of relationships
I need to put my heart in a box
I need to hide my soul away
I need to stop wanting things I can't have
I need to stop thinking things will change
I want to stop thinking that it will make a difference
I know I don't have the answers
I need to stop seeing beauty in this world
I need to stop feeling the pain
This feels too much like dying
I don't want to be alone
D-
11:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
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