an experiment. part uno

I wake up with a start.
I look up at the stucco ceiling of the hotel room and remember where I am. I'm in a hotel room in Paris. I feel the warmth next to me and remember I'm not alone. Her perfume fills my nostrils and I smile.
The room is dark all but the grey morning light streaking though the parted curtains. I entertain the thought of turning on the lamp (which somehow fell on the floor). I get up and find my underwear on the floor, pull them on, then I look over at her. She's beautiful even with her make-up smeared. Her lovely breasts rise and and fall on her chest as she sleeps for the first time in days. She was so scared a few hours ago.
A week ago I was in Brussels finishing a job helping out a friend on a protection job. A human rights activist was getting death threats and they needed someone who could handle themselves in a firefight. Luckily it didn't come to that.
My european contact called me with another job. An american actress needs a bodyguard. I figure, why not? Little did I know I'd end up having desperate, hot, sweaty sex with her.
I remembered where I put my sidearm, on the table by the door. A Para-Ordinance P-14 .45 Auto. I had almost considered using a Sig Saur 9 millimeter (since I was in Europe) but I decided against it.
I sat down at the small work desk and booted up my laptop. While it warmed up I checked the mag and the chamber of the .45.
I looked over at the bed again, she was stirring. I remembered what we went through the night before. I had been protecting her for a week and a half while she met with a high powered producer. She was being stalked by some half wit and it scared her. I tried to make her more at ease, made her laugh at the whole thing. Last night we came back from a dinner party at the the producer's mansion and found this stalker gooing though her underwear drawer. He charged at me with a knife and I put two hollowpoints in his chest.
I spent a few hours at the local police station making out a statement. She was waiting for me when I was done, the press was crushing in on us as we hustled out of there. I checked us in to two rooms at the local Hiatt. I called for room service.
......to be continued

D-

Kevin Smith has a Blog....

My Boring Ass Life

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Funnier than a barrel of monkey-nuts...

As Martin Sargent used to say..."Dear Blog"
I haven't been posting lately because I'm back in the work force once again and it's kicking my ass. I've been working the closing shift at the Bullseye Barn (not it's real name) for the last two weeks (or is it three?). A different position w/ new people on my feet all day running, straightening, helping people find shit they don't need, step 'n' fetchit bullshit. My feet feel like raw hamburger at the end of the day and my knees feel like all the cartelidge is gone.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my Mom's birthday and I don't get my first check 'til Friday. Luckily she's cool with this and I'll get her something nice a.s.a.p. I will finally get to see Star Wars III tomorrow also. Yay for me. Two days off will be so nice.
Man, I need to get laid. If I don't get to spank one off before work I'm like a raw nerve whenever a hot chick comes into view. Then I wonder what type of girl would be interested in a guy like me and then well... hope dies another death like lovers in a madhouse.

D-

Dennis Miller, Cancelled again!

Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah....whooooo...hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!



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Ode to the Sex Blog or Why I'm not gettin' any

I once took one of those Eharmony personality tests, they told me they had no matches for me. Hell, I could have told them that.
I have a gloomy outlook when it comes to finding someone to love here in California. I have never really fit in here, I know I was somewhat deluded in thinking I would be the same person here I was there, in Baltimore.

I've looked at the personals @yahoo.com, the thought of reaching out to any of these people is scary. I've always been different, neurotic, had odd thoughts and practices. Edgar Alan Poe or Bill Hicks could only have been laid if they were rich & or famous. I've found out the hard way that funny, smart, and loving can only work for so long. Then the bill comes due. If you don't have anything in your pockets but a worn out library card, some spare change, a pocket knife, and a Batman key chain you might as well buy a copy of Playboy and some aloe vera handlotion. I hope everyday that this is just one relationship that's going to end this way and it's just the exception. That woman aren't just after the things my ex was.

I just got the new Playboy yesturday if you're curious...

Who would I want if I could choose? Maybe someone who is the opposite of me in some ways but the same in others. Someone who will bang the dings out of my chassis, make me feel whole and a part of the world. A nerd, a geek, smarter than me but yet stupid enough to be with me. lol

Someone younger than me when I feel old. Someone who wants to play with me and my dirty mind. Someone thinner than me so she can ride ontop. Someone who wants to fuck me and suck me and someone I want to fuck and suck ('cause I love making a woman cum, goddamn it's been too long)
.
Someone who looks at me and smiles when she sees me. Is it so much to ask?

HAH, maybe so....

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Melancholy and the Fear and Loathing of working retail

I just got my new glasses friday and it's talking me much too long getting used to them.
It's either that or the fact I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. My head hurts and I'm depressed.
I go to get my schedule at work tomorrow. It grinds me up inside that I have to go back there again. I have to work on the floor this time around so I have to deal with having a new and different level of crap to deal with in an old wrapper. I figure I'll either go so slow and be so dim because of my depression and lack of energy because of it they'll fire me. Being fired is one of my re-occcuring nightmares because I hate the thought of being so bad at what I'm doing that they have to get rid of me. I have enough of my own self loathing I don't need anymore from other people.
You have to be a little braindead in the first place to work in retail. It's the self awareness that kills you. Having to be nice to people who wouldn't shit on you if you were in flames.
I honestly feel like crying. I never wanted to go back there, even if it was inevitable.
Money is what makes the world go 'round. It trumps everything. Love included. I should know, it broke up my only relationship I've ever had. I'm living at home again because of it. I had to leave all my friends back east because of it.
No sex makes dan a dull boy...

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Holy Mother Of Fuck :Part Two

Another Counter-Coulter Bust - May 4, 2005

Guy asks Ann Coulter if right wing men all fuck their wives up the ass.

Priceless.

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Grocery Shopping at the Alamo

I went grocery shopping with my Mom today. Well, not entirely grocery shopping. She likes to go to this thrift store called Savers on Monday mornings because they have a sale on stuff with a certain color ticket. She got me a nice coat for a good price and a couple of books. Ever since I came back from Baltimore it's been my job to go along with her to help out with grocery shopping. My Dad loathes going with her and I really don't mind. I usually get fed as part of the deal.
The place she likes to buy food at is enormous. Kind of like an airplane hangar without the airplane and replaced with rows of perishables and Mexicans with screaming babies. In times like those it's lucky that I don't have mind powers like Professor X.
"This just in, a rain of screaming Mexican children rained from the sky over the pacific scaring Japanese tuna fisherman in the area. Scientists say this type of thing only happens off the shores of Cuba, but never falling from the sky at Mach velocities. Greenpeace officials issue a statement condemning offshore toddler use. They also accused the military of using them as a ballistic weapon due to the abundance of them in California malls..."
I used to go shopping all the time with the ex back in B-more. They don't sell Tasty Cakes here which is a shame. Say what you will about the east coast, it seems like English is the more predominant language, even though they speak it with a funny accent...

D-

Same Old Story, Same Old Song and Dance

I had a pair of conversations with my ex yesterday. They couldn't be any more diametrically apposed than a cod cutting itself in chunks and frying it's own ass.

I met her online the first time at around 7pm, it was about 10 pm her time. It was a good talk. I made her laugh while she played literati, we talked baseball, I wallowed in depression hoping for some support. Then she said I was talking to someone else. Well, I wasn't, so I said I wasn't. She said it looked like I was. I was understandably "huh?"

Apparently her AIM was saying I was typing words when I wasn't. I don't know how that little thing works. It doesn't take much to make her act like I'm a prep and she's Andy Sipowitz.
Ask any man if he has lied to his girlfriend, lover, wife, etc., and he says "no" he's a bloody fucking liar. It doesn't help that our relation ship was build on a bedrock of HER lies, but that's a story for another time....

Anyway, we rebound from said thing, I say I'm sorry for troubling her with my Emo tirade, we say our goodbyes. End scene.
I'm up late and online at about 3am she pops online. I was about to go to sleep but, hey, I don't get to talk to her since we broke up (We have always had a weird realtionship 'nuff said).
We get into it about the typing thing on AIM. Again I say I'm not talking to ANYONE. Ever since I broke up with her I have avoided chatting, IMing, forums, with anyone except friends I made on the east coast, who all happen to be MALE. I'm not gay, so they don't count! :P

She does everthing but calling me a liar, brings up the last week of our relationship. Yes, I didn't tell her the bar my friends were taking me to get me drunk were strip bars. It wasn't a lie, it was an omition. She hated the thought of me looking at naked women because it fed into her insecurity about her age and her looks. I didn't care about those things but she never believed me.
Blah Blah Blah, I'm so fed up with her I could spit, 4am rolls around she leaves abruptly. No goodbye. Probably because her sometime now current hubby or her kids came in the room.

I cannot fucking wait to get off A Oh Fucking Hell so I don't have to have that stupid fucking instant Messenger on showing me online all the fucking time! Fuck me, fuck my ex, fuck my stupid fucking life...

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