1.)How many times a day would you kiss me?
2.)How many times a day would you just want to hold me?
3.)Would you take me places?
4.)Would you love me?
5.)If we went out on a date would you have me pay for it?
6.)Would you take me anywhere special?
7.)If I was sick... what would you do?
8.)If we had sex...what would you do afterwards?
9.)If one of my friends tried to get with you what would you do?
10.)Would you tell me?
11.)Would you listen to all my problems and help me solve them?
12.)Would you introduce me to your mom/dad?
13.)Would you care about what I wore when we go out?
14.)Would you go to the club with me?
15.)If your friend tried to get with me what would you do?
16.)If someone tried to fight with me in front of you what would you do?
17.)If a girl/boy tried to talk or dance with you at the club what would you do?
18.)Would you give me your myspace password?
19.)If I gave you mine would you read all my mail?
20.)If I said I loved you would you say it back?
21.)Would you have oral sex with me?
22.) How good do i look from 1-10?
23.)How do you feel about me?
24.) Whats my best physical feature?
25.)Would you ever do freaky things in crazy places with me?
26.) you ever wanted to do something with me?
27.) if u had an empty house would u call me to come over?
28.) gonna repost this so i can reply?
MESSAGE THIS BACK TO ME!!!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
I'm Guilty
I admit I was wrong
I admit to dreaming
I'm guilty
Looking back on it
I had the best intentions
A place all bad ideas are paved
I wanted to feel
Something other than despair
I wanted her to feel
Loved unconditionally
I know it was
Beyond any type of
lasciviousness
I knew she was
nervous around me
I didn't have a clue
I was contemplating
Something...
Self destructive
I knew how I felt about her
I felt the clock ticking
My fear building
What elevated me
Was also killing me
I knew she didn't really
Feel anything for me
I was blinded
Like being too close to the sun
My brain was inadequate
In controlling my heart
But in the end
It didn't help me
Everything is still tentative
Careful choosing of words
Makes me want to cut myself
Just to feel the pain on the outside
For a change
It's wrong and I'd never do it
But it still hurts
Being the fool
D-
3:03am 8/25/06
I admit to dreaming
I'm guilty
Looking back on it
I had the best intentions
A place all bad ideas are paved
I wanted to feel
Something other than despair
I wanted her to feel
Loved unconditionally
I know it was
Beyond any type of
lasciviousness
I knew she was
nervous around me
I didn't have a clue
I was contemplating
Something...
Self destructive
I knew how I felt about her
I felt the clock ticking
My fear building
What elevated me
Was also killing me
I knew she didn't really
Feel anything for me
I was blinded
Like being too close to the sun
My brain was inadequate
In controlling my heart
But in the end
It didn't help me
Everything is still tentative
Careful choosing of words
Makes me want to cut myself
Just to feel the pain on the outside
For a change
It's wrong and I'd never do it
But it still hurts
Being the fool
D-
3:03am 8/25/06
NEWSARAMA.COM: MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
NEWSARAMA.COM: MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN: "MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
In one issue, he's reset Batman's world to a place like it hasn't been in years - if ever.
With an unabashed admiration for Batman as he was seen in the '70s and '80s ("hairy-chested Neal Adams love god"), Grant Morrison has kicked off his run on DC's Batman like a bat out of…nah - far too easy.
In his first issue, Morrison (along with artist Andy Kubert) have taken Batman out of Gotham, brought Bruce Wayne back to the fore, and reintroduced Kirk Langstrom, Talia, Man-Bat(s), and - Batman's son into the mix.
Morrison's second issue of Batman (#656) hits this week, and we caught up with the writer to talk more about the character and his plans for the book.
Newsarama: First off, why Batman? You've revitalized obscure heroes, are writing Superman, and have done your time with…everyone, and could have anyone…what's the appeal of writing Batman for you?
Grant Morrison: I wanted to work with Andy Kubert, which was a big part of the appeal, and I really got into Batman again after writing JLA Classified in 2004, so when Peter Tomasi came up with this offer it seemed worth pursuing even on top of all the other work. I was already doing Superman in 'All Star', so the idea of writing the Batman comic at the same time, and going back to the source of superhero fiction with the two most primal characters, seemed like too good an opportunity to miss (I had a Wonder Woman pitch too but I stopped with the World's Finest team)!
I felt that by combining the action-movie 'superhero' aspect of Batman with a more candid, behind-the-scenes reality-TV look at Bruce Wayne's life, I could create something that might feel a little fresh and unpredictable. It's definitely a challenge - I'm more comfortable doing surreal science fiction-y stuff and it's good to get a chance to expand my range.
Batman has traditionally been the 'superhero' book, while Detective Comics has always been the crime and mystery book, so it worked out perfectly when Paul Dini chose to focus on the self-contained whodunnits and left me with the superhero action soap opera.
NRAMA: You said some interesting things at San Deigo this year, and I was hoping you could touch upon them again here - the gritty, grim Batman worked for a time, but now…there needs to be a change. What's at the root of the change? Is it the shift in the DCU, a change in the larger zeitgeist of the culture?
GM: Personally, I wanted to see a psychologically 'healthier' Batman - the last couple of decades have seen the character in the comics deconstructed almost to the point of no return and the Bat-books were heavily-laden with an extended family of characters, many of whom existed only to stand in for some part of Batman's personality that had been lost or suppressed over the last twenty years. It seemed like the right moment to step in and start gluing him back together again.
NRAMA: But still, looking at the larger cultural subtext you're writing this in, what makes a grim Batman not appropriate for the world we live in now? Miller's working on a Batman vs. Al Qaeda story, and it's hard to think of a time when we've seen such grimness on the news…shouldn't Batman reflect that in a way, as he did in the late '80s when he first took that turn?
First off, the idea that superhero comics should reflect the news headlines is not one I tend to subscribe to. I've always preferred using my comics to talk about the world around me in the language of symbolism and metaphor and I'm more interested in telling stories about how people behave in bizarre situations than I am in commenting on current events.
Having said that, Batman will always reflect his times: the idea here is not to soften or emotionally reset Batman as an exercise in nostalgia but to make him more real and relatable, while at the same time offering some rationale for his complex multi-faceted personality I want to see a Batman that combines the cynic, the scholar, the daredevil, the businessman, the superhero, the wit, the lateral thinker , the aristocrat. He terrifies the guilty but he has great compassion for the weak and the downtrodden and will lay his life on the line for anybody who's in trouble. He's a master of yoga and meditation who has as much control over his body and his feelings as any human. He has a wider range of experiences than most people will dream of in ten lifetimes. This is not a one-note character! So, while I won't pretend we all live on Sunnybrook Farm, I don't think its appropriate - particularly in trying times - to present our fictional heroes as unsmiling vengeance machines. I'd rather Batman embodied the best that secular humanism has to offer - a sour-faced, sexually-repressed, humorless, uptight, angry, and all-round grim 'n' gritty Batman would be more likely to join the Taliban surely?
NRAMA: Er…
GM: And while we're on that subject...Batman vs. Al Qaeda! It might as well be Bin Laden vs. King Kong! Or how about the sinister Al Qaeda mastermind up against a hungry Hannibal Lecter! For all the good it's likely to do. Cheering on a fictional character as he beats up fictionalized terrorists seems like a decadent indulgence when real terrorists are killing real people in the real world. I'd be so much more impressed if Frank Miller gave up all this graphic novel nonsense, joined the Army and, with a howl of undying hate, rushed headlong onto the front lines with the young soldiers who are actually risking life and limb 'vs' Al Qaeda.
NRAMA: Swinging things back then to your larger picture - you've said that your take on Batman will be a return to the Neal Adams-esque, hairy-chested love god Batman. What's the appeal of that style and those elements for you?
GM: That particular take on Batman seemed to have a broader emotional range than the hand-wringing, self-flagellation that came to serve as a shorthand for the deconstructed Batman of the 80s and 90s. It's not all O'Neil/Adams though; I was influenced by the animated series portrayal of Batman, by Christian Bale's definitive performance in Batman Begins and by Mike Barr's '80s Batman stories with Alan Davis, which swam bravely against the prevailing trends at a time when the grim 'n' gritty current was at its strongest. Rather than a basically unhinged individual who was driven mad , bad, and pointy-eared by the death of his parents, I saw Batman more and more as someone who had saved his own sanity by doing the one crazy thing that actually allowed him to turn his loss into something positive and proactive.
So before starting the book, I read through every Batman story I own and tried to synthesize all of the portrayals - from the '30s to the present day - and all that history into the real life of a single extraordinary man. When you condense nearly 80 years of Batman's adventures into a little more than ten years of Bruce Wayne's life, his descent into grimness becomes not only clear but quite understandable! And the need to get him out of it is even more urgent.
The very rough timeline I have in my head runs as follows - 19 year old Bruce Wayne returns from his journey around the world and becomes the (1930s style) Dark Avenger Gothic Vigilante Batman for his first year of adventures. Then, aged 20, he meets Robin and his whole outlook changes - now he has responsibilities, he becomes less reckless, now he has a partner, he lightens up and learns to have fun again for the first time since his parents died. The police stop chasing him, the Joker stops killing and becomes a playful crime clown, and Gotham is bright and crazy like Vegas. Batman's having the time of his life in his early 20's, fighting colorful villains and monsters with his irrepressible young pal.
But by the time he's in his mid-20s things are starting to go wrong - the first Robin leaves to go to college and hang out with the Teen Titans. Batman enjoys a period as a swinging bachelor for a couple of years but it's not long before the hammerblows start to fall - in rapid succession, the now-homicidal Joker kills Jason Todd, the new Robin, and maims Barbara (Batgirl ) Gordon, Bane breaks Batman's back, then Gotham is devastated by earthquakes, plagues and urban warfare, the Joker kills Jim Gordon's beloved wife, Jason Todd returns corrupted, and a betrayal by his superhero friends leads Batman to the creation of Brother Eye and leads him on to Infinite Crisis where Batman winds up pointing a gun at Alexander Luthor's head before deciding to leave Gotham for a year,
Thinking about it this way, the grim Batman of the last decade or so makes a whole lot of sense - the guy went from cool, assured crimefighter to shattered ***-up, barely clinging on with his fingernails. His mission, his life and his sanity had all gone off the rails. His confidence was shot. After a few years of relentless pain, bad luck and betrayal like Batman's had, any normal man would be canceling the papers, pulling the blinds, then pulling the trigger. We had to address the effect of these tragedies and then move him beyond them.
In the upcoming issue #30 of 52 we see the post-Infinite Crisis Batman reaching rock bottom. The story of how he starts his comeback is revealed in a later issue of the weekly and it's that revitalized Batman Andy and I are picking up on in our book.
NRAMA: And when we catch up with him in issue #656, he's revitalized, reenergized, and kicking ass. Setting things up a little, just prior to this issue, Batman decided to have a blitz on crime? Catch 'em all in as short a time span as possible, right? And the Joker was the final guy?
GM: Pretty much. I wanted to get the traditional villains offstage fast so that I could concentrate on giving Batman a slightly different set of problems to deal with - I knew James Robinson was doing something that wiped out a lot of the bad guys so, in the end, I piggybacked off that.
NRAMA: Just so everyone's on the same page - that was the real Joker getting shot in the real face by a real gun by a guy who wasn't Batman in our reality, right?
GM: No, it was Xorn.
NRAMA: This other guy in the Batman suit - anyone to worry about, or stage dressing to get things where they needed to be?
GM: Everything in my first issue is significant and yes, the un-named cop who shot the Joker and died dressed as Batman feeds into a story which will begin to unfold an arc or two down the line. A nasty can of worms is about to open for the Gotham Police Department and Batman.
NRAMA: Tim mentioned it in the 'cave, but what is the effect of hearing that "Batman" shot the Joker in the face in regards to the rest of Gotham's other criminals? Is there a wave of "Oh shit, he's pissed!" going through the underworld now?
GM: Definitely, but that doesn't stop newer adversaries trying their luck.
NRAMA: Both you and Paul Dini mentioned that you were looking to bring Bruce Wayne back to your respective books. That brings up the obvious - is Bruce the mask for Batman or Batman the mask for Bruce, or…both are the masks of the boy who saw his parents killed decades ago, and, in some respects, ran and hid and hasn't been seen since…or, until now?
GM: It's a slightly different way of looking at the secret identity dynamic. There was a time when I might have argued that 'Bruce Wayne' died on the night his parents were shot and was replaced by 'Batman' but that approach seems a little naive and needlessly dualistic - Bruce Wayne didn't die that night, he survived and then decided to deal with his feelings of loss, rage and vulnerability in an unusual but highly effective manner. Bruce and Batman are the same person - that's the really interesting thing about this character to me now, the way they reflect and create one another to play different essential roles in this man's outrageous life.
NRAMA: Alfred seems to always be on Bruce's case about being more "human" and available…why does Bruce listen to him this time?
GM: The Batman I'm writing about has had a massive change in perspective following events which are detailed in a couple of upcoming issues of 52, as mentioned above - he's a lot more open to suggestions and more willing to act on them after what he's been through.
NRAMA: As you said as well in San Diego - this "humanizing"…it's almost as if Bruce has turned over a new leaf, so much so he's - as you said - telling himself black jokes while he's fighting? He's no longer the caption-box guy with "I hear their bones snap and grind like wet cement?" Can you give an example or two of what's coming in that direction?
GM: Well, I still intend to do 'Miller'-style first person narrative captions which give some insight into Batman's thought processes but it seems more 'realistic' to imagine Batman as a hardcore fightin' man who wouldn't even notice his injuries until long after the fight was over, so no more of that 'MY BACK SPLINTERS INTO A THOUSAND SHARDS OF AGONIZED BONE. HE'S GOOD. HE'S YOUNG. HE'S TOUGHER AND YOUNGER THAN ME. AND TOUGHER. DID I MENTION TOUGHER ? MUSN'T BLACK OUT...' In Batman #657 we see some of the pulp noir narration and non sequitur imagery that goes through Batman's mind during a fight and keeps him from being distracted by his aches and pains.
The boy with Talia - again, just getting everyone on the right page - he's the baby from Son of the Demon? Why pick that particular piece of history (that was at one time argued out of continuity, by Denny O'Neil) back into play?
GM: I was a huge fan of Mike Barr's Batman stories and well aware of the controversy surrounding Son of the Demon, so I thought it might be interesting to launch my run with a story guaranteed to raise some eyebrows. I also really liked the Ibn Al Xu'ffasch character from Kingdom Come (who was essentially the Son of the Demon baby all grown up) and felt that the notion of the bad son had a strong place in Batman lore and could be used to generate some interesting new stories.
I'm trying to put all kinds of things back into Bat-continuity in a way that makes sense, including Bat-Mite and Ace, the Bat-Hound.
NRAMA: Obviously, you're playing up the playboy image of Bruce, and then, there's a kid…recently, Matt Wagner said that he feels Batman/Bruce Wayne is one of the DCU's better-sexed heroes…dunno - just seems natural that you might have a thought or two on all of this…does Bruce Wayne score with any regularity?
GM: I like to think he does. In fact it's my job to imagine it happening, may the lord have mercy on my soul. I figure Bruce does whatever it takes to maintain his health and stay stress free and fit. He would see sex as just another form of exercise with proven health and efficiency benefits. Someone in Bruce Wayne's position would be surrounded by beautiful women all the time and I can't imagine he'd resolutely say no to all of them, and remain uptight and frustrated. I think he'd find partners in his own social circle - party girls, heiresses, models etc - who would be up for no-commitment, no-strings liaisons and who could be guaranteed not to run straight to the tabloids.
NRAMA: Fair enough. So - this week's issue - we're set up…Talia and son have a squad of Man-Bats with them…this can't be good can it?
GM: It's good for readers who want to see Batman duke it out with scores of winged monstrosities. The first arc's a twisted domestic drama about a playboy confronted with his responsibilities.
NRAMA: Where do things spin out from there? Any long range teases?
GM: The plan is to take Batman's life to places we've never seen before, and to pick up on stories and incidents people may have forgotten or overlooked. The fifteen issues I've worked out combine to tell one long story comprised of several smaller arcs - the first one re-introduces Talia and Batman's son in a big splashy James Bond adventure. Then there's a creepy Joker one-off done as an illustrated prose and comics piece, followed by a three part story re-uniting Batman with the Club of Heroes in a 'Name of the Rose' style murder mystery with clues for readers to solve. After that we return to the story of the cop who dressed as Batman, and why, and everything starts to feed into the larger storyline, which takes Batman on a very strange and unusual journey to face a terrifying new villain.
NRAMA: When do we get to see the new Batmobile?
GM: Not for a while - it appears somewhere around issue … but I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.
NRAMA: Finally, how long do you plan on hanging around Batman, Gotham, and everything else?
GM: As I say, I have fifteen issues planned and there's a good chance I'll do more. My goals are to make the Joker soul-destroyingly scary again, to get the reader further into Bruce Wayne's head than ever before and to create at least one good new Batman villain.
We'll see.
MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
In one issue, he's reset Batman's world to a place like it hasn't been in years - if ever.
With an unabashed admiration for Batman as he was seen in the '70s and '80s ("hairy-chested Neal Adams love god"), Grant Morrison has kicked off his run on DC's Batman like a bat out of…nah - far too easy.
In his first issue, Morrison (along with artist Andy Kubert) have taken Batman out of Gotham, brought Bruce Wayne back to the fore, and reintroduced Kirk Langstrom, Talia, Man-Bat(s), and - Batman's son into the mix.
Morrison's second issue of Batman (#656) hits this week, and we caught up with the writer to talk more about the character and his plans for the book.
Newsarama: First off, why Batman? You've revitalized obscure heroes, are writing Superman, and have done your time with…everyone, and could have anyone…what's the appeal of writing Batman for you?
Grant Morrison: I wanted to work with Andy Kubert, which was a big part of the appeal, and I really got into Batman again after writing JLA Classified in 2004, so when Peter Tomasi came up with this offer it seemed worth pursuing even on top of all the other work. I was already doing Superman in 'All Star', so the idea of writing the Batman comic at the same time, and going back to the source of superhero fiction with the two most primal characters, seemed like too good an opportunity to miss (I had a Wonder Woman pitch too but I stopped with the World's Finest team)!
I felt that by combining the action-movie 'superhero' aspect of Batman with a more candid, behind-the-scenes reality-TV look at Bruce Wayne's life, I could create something that might feel a little fresh and unpredictable. It's definitely a challenge - I'm more comfortable doing surreal science fiction-y stuff and it's good to get a chance to expand my range.
Batman has traditionally been the 'superhero' book, while Detective Comics has always been the crime and mystery book, so it worked out perfectly when Paul Dini chose to focus on the self-contained whodunnits and left me with the superhero action soap opera.
NRAMA: You said some interesting things at San Deigo this year, and I was hoping you could touch upon them again here - the gritty, grim Batman worked for a time, but now…there needs to be a change. What's at the root of the change? Is it the shift in the DCU, a change in the larger zeitgeist of the culture?
GM: Personally, I wanted to see a psychologically 'healthier' Batman - the last couple of decades have seen the character in the comics deconstructed almost to the point of no return and the Bat-books were heavily-laden with an extended family of characters, many of whom existed only to stand in for some part of Batman's personality that had been lost or suppressed over the last twenty years. It seemed like the right moment to step in and start gluing him back together again.
NRAMA: But still, looking at the larger cultural subtext you're writing this in, what makes a grim Batman not appropriate for the world we live in now? Miller's working on a Batman vs. Al Qaeda story, and it's hard to think of a time when we've seen such grimness on the news…shouldn't Batman reflect that in a way, as he did in the late '80s when he first took that turn?
First off, the idea that superhero comics should reflect the news headlines is not one I tend to subscribe to. I've always preferred using my comics to talk about the world around me in the language of symbolism and metaphor and I'm more interested in telling stories about how people behave in bizarre situations than I am in commenting on current events.
Having said that, Batman will always reflect his times: the idea here is not to soften or emotionally reset Batman as an exercise in nostalgia but to make him more real and relatable, while at the same time offering some rationale for his complex multi-faceted personality I want to see a Batman that combines the cynic, the scholar, the daredevil, the businessman, the superhero, the wit, the lateral thinker , the aristocrat. He terrifies the guilty but he has great compassion for the weak and the downtrodden and will lay his life on the line for anybody who's in trouble. He's a master of yoga and meditation who has as much control over his body and his feelings as any human. He has a wider range of experiences than most people will dream of in ten lifetimes. This is not a one-note character! So, while I won't pretend we all live on Sunnybrook Farm, I don't think its appropriate - particularly in trying times - to present our fictional heroes as unsmiling vengeance machines. I'd rather Batman embodied the best that secular humanism has to offer - a sour-faced, sexually-repressed, humorless, uptight, angry, and all-round grim 'n' gritty Batman would be more likely to join the Taliban surely?
NRAMA: Er…
GM: And while we're on that subject...Batman vs. Al Qaeda! It might as well be Bin Laden vs. King Kong! Or how about the sinister Al Qaeda mastermind up against a hungry Hannibal Lecter! For all the good it's likely to do. Cheering on a fictional character as he beats up fictionalized terrorists seems like a decadent indulgence when real terrorists are killing real people in the real world. I'd be so much more impressed if Frank Miller gave up all this graphic novel nonsense, joined the Army and, with a howl of undying hate, rushed headlong onto the front lines with the young soldiers who are actually risking life and limb 'vs' Al Qaeda.
NRAMA: Swinging things back then to your larger picture - you've said that your take on Batman will be a return to the Neal Adams-esque, hairy-chested love god Batman. What's the appeal of that style and those elements for you?
GM: That particular take on Batman seemed to have a broader emotional range than the hand-wringing, self-flagellation that came to serve as a shorthand for the deconstructed Batman of the 80s and 90s. It's not all O'Neil/Adams though; I was influenced by the animated series portrayal of Batman, by Christian Bale's definitive performance in Batman Begins and by Mike Barr's '80s Batman stories with Alan Davis, which swam bravely against the prevailing trends at a time when the grim 'n' gritty current was at its strongest. Rather than a basically unhinged individual who was driven mad , bad, and pointy-eared by the death of his parents, I saw Batman more and more as someone who had saved his own sanity by doing the one crazy thing that actually allowed him to turn his loss into something positive and proactive.
So before starting the book, I read through every Batman story I own and tried to synthesize all of the portrayals - from the '30s to the present day - and all that history into the real life of a single extraordinary man. When you condense nearly 80 years of Batman's adventures into a little more than ten years of Bruce Wayne's life, his descent into grimness becomes not only clear but quite understandable! And the need to get him out of it is even more urgent.
The very rough timeline I have in my head runs as follows - 19 year old Bruce Wayne returns from his journey around the world and becomes the (1930s style) Dark Avenger Gothic Vigilante Batman for his first year of adventures. Then, aged 20, he meets Robin and his whole outlook changes - now he has responsibilities, he becomes less reckless, now he has a partner, he lightens up and learns to have fun again for the first time since his parents died. The police stop chasing him, the Joker stops killing and becomes a playful crime clown, and Gotham is bright and crazy like Vegas. Batman's having the time of his life in his early 20's, fighting colorful villains and monsters with his irrepressible young pal.
But by the time he's in his mid-20s things are starting to go wrong - the first Robin leaves to go to college and hang out with the Teen Titans. Batman enjoys a period as a swinging bachelor for a couple of years but it's not long before the hammerblows start to fall - in rapid succession, the now-homicidal Joker kills Jason Todd, the new Robin, and maims Barbara (Batgirl ) Gordon, Bane breaks Batman's back, then Gotham is devastated by earthquakes, plagues and urban warfare, the Joker kills Jim Gordon's beloved wife, Jason Todd returns corrupted, and a betrayal by his superhero friends leads Batman to the creation of Brother Eye and leads him on to Infinite Crisis where Batman winds up pointing a gun at Alexander Luthor's head before deciding to leave Gotham for a year,
Thinking about it this way, the grim Batman of the last decade or so makes a whole lot of sense - the guy went from cool, assured crimefighter to shattered ***-up, barely clinging on with his fingernails. His mission, his life and his sanity had all gone off the rails. His confidence was shot. After a few years of relentless pain, bad luck and betrayal like Batman's had, any normal man would be canceling the papers, pulling the blinds, then pulling the trigger. We had to address the effect of these tragedies and then move him beyond them.
In the upcoming issue #30 of 52 we see the post-Infinite Crisis Batman reaching rock bottom. The story of how he starts his comeback is revealed in a later issue of the weekly and it's that revitalized Batman Andy and I are picking up on in our book.
NRAMA: And when we catch up with him in issue #656, he's revitalized, reenergized, and kicking ass. Setting things up a little, just prior to this issue, Batman decided to have a blitz on crime? Catch 'em all in as short a time span as possible, right? And the Joker was the final guy?
GM: Pretty much. I wanted to get the traditional villains offstage fast so that I could concentrate on giving Batman a slightly different set of problems to deal with - I knew James Robinson was doing something that wiped out a lot of the bad guys so, in the end, I piggybacked off that.
NRAMA: Just so everyone's on the same page - that was the real Joker getting shot in the real face by a real gun by a guy who wasn't Batman in our reality, right?
GM: No, it was Xorn.
NRAMA: This other guy in the Batman suit - anyone to worry about, or stage dressing to get things where they needed to be?
GM: Everything in my first issue is significant and yes, the un-named cop who shot the Joker and died dressed as Batman feeds into a story which will begin to unfold an arc or two down the line. A nasty can of worms is about to open for the Gotham Police Department and Batman.
NRAMA: Tim mentioned it in the 'cave, but what is the effect of hearing that "Batman" shot the Joker in the face in regards to the rest of Gotham's other criminals? Is there a wave of "Oh shit, he's pissed!" going through the underworld now?
GM: Definitely, but that doesn't stop newer adversaries trying their luck.
NRAMA: Both you and Paul Dini mentioned that you were looking to bring Bruce Wayne back to your respective books. That brings up the obvious - is Bruce the mask for Batman or Batman the mask for Bruce, or…both are the masks of the boy who saw his parents killed decades ago, and, in some respects, ran and hid and hasn't been seen since…or, until now?
GM: It's a slightly different way of looking at the secret identity dynamic. There was a time when I might have argued that 'Bruce Wayne' died on the night his parents were shot and was replaced by 'Batman' but that approach seems a little naive and needlessly dualistic - Bruce Wayne didn't die that night, he survived and then decided to deal with his feelings of loss, rage and vulnerability in an unusual but highly effective manner. Bruce and Batman are the same person - that's the really interesting thing about this character to me now, the way they reflect and create one another to play different essential roles in this man's outrageous life.
NRAMA: Alfred seems to always be on Bruce's case about being more "human" and available…why does Bruce listen to him this time?
GM: The Batman I'm writing about has had a massive change in perspective following events which are detailed in a couple of upcoming issues of 52, as mentioned above - he's a lot more open to suggestions and more willing to act on them after what he's been through.
NRAMA: As you said as well in San Diego - this "humanizing"…it's almost as if Bruce has turned over a new leaf, so much so he's - as you said - telling himself black jokes while he's fighting? He's no longer the caption-box guy with "I hear their bones snap and grind like wet cement?" Can you give an example or two of what's coming in that direction?
GM: Well, I still intend to do 'Miller'-style first person narrative captions which give some insight into Batman's thought processes but it seems more 'realistic' to imagine Batman as a hardcore fightin' man who wouldn't even notice his injuries until long after the fight was over, so no more of that 'MY BACK SPLINTERS INTO A THOUSAND SHARDS OF AGONIZED BONE. HE'S GOOD. HE'S YOUNG. HE'S TOUGHER AND YOUNGER THAN ME. AND TOUGHER. DID I MENTION TOUGHER ? MUSN'T BLACK OUT...' In Batman #657 we see some of the pulp noir narration and non sequitur imagery that goes through Batman's mind during a fight and keeps him from being distracted by his aches and pains.
The boy with Talia - again, just getting everyone on the right page - he's the baby from Son of the Demon? Why pick that particular piece of history (that was at one time argued out of continuity, by Denny O'Neil) back into play?
GM: I was a huge fan of Mike Barr's Batman stories and well aware of the controversy surrounding Son of the Demon, so I thought it might be interesting to launch my run with a story guaranteed to raise some eyebrows. I also really liked the Ibn Al Xu'ffasch character from Kingdom Come (who was essentially the Son of the Demon baby all grown up) and felt that the notion of the bad son had a strong place in Batman lore and could be used to generate some interesting new stories.
I'm trying to put all kinds of things back into Bat-continuity in a way that makes sense, including Bat-Mite and Ace, the Bat-Hound.
NRAMA: Obviously, you're playing up the playboy image of Bruce, and then, there's a kid…recently, Matt Wagner said that he feels Batman/Bruce Wayne is one of the DCU's better-sexed heroes…dunno - just seems natural that you might have a thought or two on all of this…does Bruce Wayne score with any regularity?
GM: I like to think he does. In fact it's my job to imagine it happening, may the lord have mercy on my soul. I figure Bruce does whatever it takes to maintain his health and stay stress free and fit. He would see sex as just another form of exercise with proven health and efficiency benefits. Someone in Bruce Wayne's position would be surrounded by beautiful women all the time and I can't imagine he'd resolutely say no to all of them, and remain uptight and frustrated. I think he'd find partners in his own social circle - party girls, heiresses, models etc - who would be up for no-commitment, no-strings liaisons and who could be guaranteed not to run straight to the tabloids.
NRAMA: Fair enough. So - this week's issue - we're set up…Talia and son have a squad of Man-Bats with them…this can't be good can it?
GM: It's good for readers who want to see Batman duke it out with scores of winged monstrosities. The first arc's a twisted domestic drama about a playboy confronted with his responsibilities.
NRAMA: Where do things spin out from there? Any long range teases?
GM: The plan is to take Batman's life to places we've never seen before, and to pick up on stories and incidents people may have forgotten or overlooked. The fifteen issues I've worked out combine to tell one long story comprised of several smaller arcs - the first one re-introduces Talia and Batman's son in a big splashy James Bond adventure. Then there's a creepy Joker one-off done as an illustrated prose and comics piece, followed by a three part story re-uniting Batman with the Club of Heroes in a 'Name of the Rose' style murder mystery with clues for readers to solve. After that we return to the story of the cop who dressed as Batman, and why, and everything starts to feed into the larger storyline, which takes Batman on a very strange and unusual journey to face a terrifying new villain.
NRAMA: When do we get to see the new Batmobile?
GM: Not for a while - it appears somewhere around issue … but I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.
NRAMA: Finally, how long do you plan on hanging around Batman, Gotham, and everything else?
GM: As I say, I have fifteen issues planned and there's a good chance I'll do more. My goals are to make the Joker soul-destroyingly scary again, to get the reader further into Bruce Wayne's head than ever before and to create at least one good new Batman villain.
We'll see.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
anti-social behavior
Current mood: depressed
I have to learn how not to care
I have to learn to blind my soul
I have to learn to be alone
I have to let go of the need
I have to finally lose faith in people
I have to stop the yearning
I need to give up
I need to stop caring what people think of me
I need to get over the concept of relationships
I need to put my heart in a box
I need to hide my soul away
I need to stop wanting things I can't have
I need to stop thinking things will change
I want to stop thinking that it will make a difference
I know I don't have the answers
I need to stop seeing beauty in this world
I need to stop feeling the pain
This feels too much like dying
I don't want to be alone
D-
11:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Half a Lie, Quarter Truth
It's been one hell of a weekend.
Work has been shitty. I've been doing alot more cashiering than my actual job because they've been cutting hours. I've been back and forth so many times in that store I could have walked to Idaho. Anyway, so I was ringing people up and this one guest (we have to call them guests) wasn't convinced that I was "fine" when I said I was. He thought I sounded a "little down".
Yes, Dr. Freud, may I make you some tea and would you like a cigar?
While I appreciated the guest's sentiment I don't really discuss my feelings other than rare occasions at work.
In other words, I end up lying alot. I don't like lying. It just isn't in my character. But, telling the truth about how I'm feeling can be problematic. Call it a "soft lie".
Let's say someone asked me how I'm doing and I said : "I'm really tired because I had trouble sleeping. I've been really depressed and my meds aren't working. My job is becoming more and more like high school with cliques, back stabbing, and I'm still the guy who can't fit in. I haven't had sex in coming up on 2 years and can't find a woman who won't look at me with anything but revulsion."
"But other than that, I'm okay."
See, that just won't work in polite conversation. I say "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" and things go smoothly. People go on their merry way and so do I. It's polite to lie about how you feel. You're doing people a favor.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
This is of the few places where I tell you just how I feel. I may say things here and it's the truth, but at work I'll tell people the soft lie. So, please don't be offended. If there is something you want to talk about that I wrote about here just let me know.
D-
12:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Hamlet's Curse
Current mood: disappointed
Life can be like a cheap horror movie sometimes. When I mean horror it isn't Freddy Kruger or Jason Vorhees jumping down onto two teens screwing in the forrest. It's the common and casual inhumanities that people do to each other.
One of the many (and varied) things I could change about myself is that I wish that I could make it harder for people to treat me like shit.
Okay, that maybe a bit strong but essentially accurate.
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of people. Or maybe too little depending upon your point of view. I admit I'm not the easiest pill to swallow but I'm not a roaring asshole either. I'm clinically depressed for fuck's sake.
Do you blame a guy with one leg for limping?
Okay, maybe I don't wear a t-shirt that says "I went to the doctor's office to get anti-depressents and all I got was this t-shirt" but anyone who's read this blog knows. All 10 of you today.
Okay, I'm a bit paranoid tonite. One of my friends on here deleted me without warning, someone I work with on a regular basis. I noticed it a few days ago but didn't know who until last night. As far as I know I haven't had any problems with this person. Hell, ##### was just at my birthday drink-up last week. At work I found out ##### was having a party tonite.
I don't believe in coincidence.
So I guess I wasn't invited huh?
Behind every smile deception lies in wait. The human heart is full of untold horrors and spite. Work retail long enough you will see colors of all of it.
Disappointment is harder to get over than anger. Disappointment is seeing the potential and having it crumble. People disappoint me
I'm babbling again, time to go.
D-
12:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 19, 2006
The Question
Current mood: cranky
What's the secret?
How do I unlock it?
Is it something I have to buy?
Is it something I just stumble over?
My mind rolls it over and over.
Do I have to submit?
Does it have to break my will?
Do I have to fall all the way down?
Will it find me at the bottom?
Or is it at the top?
(where ever that is)
If no one will give me it
How can I have it?
How long must I wait?
Is it in the waiting that it's achieved?
( I've already waited too long)
Maybe after I've died
(if there's an afterlife)
Will I find it there?
I'm so tired
Does it get any easier?
What do I have to lose?
This has to stop
D-
2:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
anti-social behavior
Current mood: depressed
I have to learn how not to care
I have to learn to blind my soul
I have to learn to be alone
I have to let go of the need
I have to finally lose faith in people
I have to stop the yearning
I need to give up
I need to stop caring what people think of me
I need to get over the concept of relationships
I need to put my heart in a box
I need to hide my soul away
I need to stop wanting things I can't have
I need to stop thinking things will change
I want to stop thinking that it will make a difference
I know I don't have the answers
I need to stop seeing beauty in this world
I need to stop feeling the pain
This feels too much like dying
I don't want to be alone
D-
11:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Half a Lie, Quarter Truth
It's been one hell of a weekend.
Work has been shitty. I've been doing alot more cashiering than my actual job because they've been cutting hours. I've been back and forth so many times in that store I could have walked to Idaho. Anyway, so I was ringing people up and this one guest (we have to call them guests) wasn't convinced that I was "fine" when I said I was. He thought I sounded a "little down".
Yes, Dr. Freud, may I make you some tea and would you like a cigar?
While I appreciated the guest's sentiment I don't really discuss my feelings other than rare occasions at work.
In other words, I end up lying alot. I don't like lying. It just isn't in my character. But, telling the truth about how I'm feeling can be problematic. Call it a "soft lie".
Let's say someone asked me how I'm doing and I said : "I'm really tired because I had trouble sleeping. I've been really depressed and my meds aren't working. My job is becoming more and more like high school with cliques, back stabbing, and I'm still the guy who can't fit in. I haven't had sex in coming up on 2 years and can't find a woman who won't look at me with anything but revulsion."
"But other than that, I'm okay."
See, that just won't work in polite conversation. I say "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" and things go smoothly. People go on their merry way and so do I. It's polite to lie about how you feel. You're doing people a favor.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
This is of the few places where I tell you just how I feel. I may say things here and it's the truth, but at work I'll tell people the soft lie. So, please don't be offended. If there is something you want to talk about that I wrote about here just let me know.
D-
12:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Hamlet's Curse
Current mood: disappointed
Life can be like a cheap horror movie sometimes. When I mean horror it isn't Freddy Kruger or Jason Vorhees jumping down onto two teens screwing in the forrest. It's the common and casual inhumanities that people do to each other.
One of the many (and varied) things I could change about myself is that I wish that I could make it harder for people to treat me like shit.
Okay, that maybe a bit strong but essentially accurate.
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of people. Or maybe too little depending upon your point of view. I admit I'm not the easiest pill to swallow but I'm not a roaring asshole either. I'm clinically depressed for fuck's sake.
Do you blame a guy with one leg for limping?
Okay, maybe I don't wear a t-shirt that says "I went to the doctor's office to get anti-depressents and all I got was this t-shirt" but anyone who's read this blog knows. All 10 of you today.
Okay, I'm a bit paranoid tonite. One of my friends on here deleted me without warning, someone I work with on a regular basis. I noticed it a few days ago but didn't know who until last night. As far as I know I haven't had any problems with this person. Hell, ##### was just at my birthday drink-up last week. At work I found out ##### was having a party tonite.
I don't believe in coincidence.
So I guess I wasn't invited huh?
Behind every smile deception lies in wait. The human heart is full of untold horrors and spite. Work retail long enough you will see colors of all of it.
Disappointment is harder to get over than anger. Disappointment is seeing the potential and having it crumble. People disappoint me
I'm babbling again, time to go.
D-
12:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 19, 2006
The Question
Current mood: cranky
What's the secret?
How do I unlock it?
Is it something I have to buy?
Is it something I just stumble over?
My mind rolls it over and over.
Do I have to submit?
Does it have to break my will?
Do I have to fall all the way down?
Will it find me at the bottom?
Or is it at the top?
(where ever that is)
If no one will give me it
How can I have it?
How long must I wait?
Is it in the waiting that it's achieved?
( I've already waited too long)
Maybe after I've died
(if there's an afterlife)
Will I find it there?
I'm so tired
Does it get any easier?
What do I have to lose?
This has to stop
D-
2:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Make Me a Whisper
Current mood: depressed
I came home from work tonite and I cried.
No, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I thought I had myself togther, I thought I had somewhat of a hold on things.
But life decided in bold, groping, dry-humping, jack-hammering, red-faced alcoholic, motherfucking relief to let me know just how fucked up I still am.
I sat on my bed and the warm bubble of the days exertions was still surrounding me. I had to force it out like it was bad seafood I had for dinner. I knew if I didn't let out the pain it was just going to go back into hiding like it always does only to resurface like some demented whack-a-mole. It was more of a convulsion than anything else. Like a seizure.
I'm suprised a piece of my heart didn't come up with all the tears and nasal fluid. I'd pick it up out of my tissue and burn it as a warning to the rest of it.
"All you are is a goddamn valve pump! Stop making me miserable!"
I used to like working Thursdays.
If there's anyone out there who believes in some sort of deity, put in a good word for me. I don't kow what to do anymore and even a dirty cynic like me needs someone to pray for him.
At the end of the night while I was clocking out I quoted Danny Glover's line from Lethal Weapon 1:
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
One of my co-workers knew the line and I said "best cop movie of the '80s". The one scene I always remember is Mel Gibson's (before he "jumped the couch") character sitting in his trailer in tears. He loads one 9mm round into the chamber of his Berreta while looking at a photo of his deceased wife. It was either one of the best acting jobs I've seen or it's something he's thought of before and he's re-inacting it. First he considers putting the barrel under his chin, eyes wild and glazed over with grief. Then he settles for putting the barrel inside his mouth, the muzzel probably resting on the roof. Of course he decides against it otherwise the movie would have been over.
At the end of the movie, when all the bad guys are dead, Riggs and Murtaugh meet up at his family's house. Riggs says, quoting loosley:
"Let me tell you a secret. I'm not crazy"
"I know." he says back and they go eat and the credits roll.
I've been in the same spot as he has for a while and let me tell you a secret.
I'm not crazy, I'm just in pain. I'm not as pretty as Mel but it doesn't mean I'm cruel or deranged. I could never hurt anyone, if you don't count myself.
I can't stand it if people are nervious around me, that's probably where my sense of humor comes from.
I'm rambling again, don't mind me....
D-
12:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Self Autopsy
Current mood: thoughtful
I admit this, I'm pretty hard on myself.
I tend to beat myself over alot of things that most people would let slide off of them like water off a duck's back. I mean you can't expect things to be perfect in your life. Lord knows I'm not perfect in any way what so ever.
Whenever I want things to turn out in my favor they always burst into flames.
It's my failures, with people, that haunt me.
Most of the time I'm a walking bag of loose wiring held together by pure will. It annoys the living shit out of me when I can't do anything right when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I feel like punching walls and destroying bathrooms like that guy in "Punch-Drunk Love". All I've ever wanted is to express myself correctly and not make an ass out of myself in the process.
Not that making a fool of myself has a time or place, mind you.
One of the most fullfilling moments in life, I believe, is looking into someone's eyes and not fear, not hesitate. To know the person in front of you understands you and is cool with that. Trust is a big thing in my life, but finding someone to trust in this life is hard.
Especially for a walking basket case like me it's even harder.
I've made an ass out of myself in that pursuit recently and it still stings like a motherfucker. Everytime I see her it makes me wince and I can only hope that time will scab over the pain.
I beat myself up, and after all these years it doesn't hurt any less. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe someday the fates will be kind and give me that perfect moment where it counts.
Or if not perfect, at least good enough.
I can live with that.
D-
Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002
9:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Back in the Saddle Again
Current mood: contemplative
Well, it's been 6 days without having to work and I've gotten a few things done I was hoping to. I had a pretty darn good birthday. I dunno this year it wasn't about the presents it was more to do with how I felt.
I don't want to overdramatize this more than I should, I mean, all those people who came out were probably not there to see me. In fact I know that a few were there to see off my friend who is moving to the east coast.
That and he's not a troll, like me.
He's a hell of a nice guy and I wish him all the luck in the world. The get-together was supposed to be for him too so it worked out nicely. I really thank everyone for coming out no matter what their reasons were. It felt great to be around people and have some fun.
I'm kinda mixed about going back to work. I really liked being away from the place for a while and not running around like a damn fool all day. On the other hand everyone I know is there and I kinda miss being useful.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.....
D-
2:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My Shotglass Runeth Over With Friends & Fun
Current mood: content
I think in planning that birthday thingie I made a few mistakes.
I've had my cell phone since febuary and I'm still learning how to text message. I probably missed inviting a few people in the process, and I opologize for botched communication on my part. Plus I didn't get to go into work and personally invite a few people. Sorry!
I was stuck putting together a computer desk with my dad for most of the day. My familia bbqed some steaks for me which was nice. They didn't know what to get for me. When I said things like 'ipod' and 'new monitor for my comp' they looked at me like I was from Mars.
I ended up spurging for an Ipod for myself.
Thanks me! You shouldn't have!
*cough*
The highlight of my day was getting to spend some time having fun with friends. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to show up! It made me feel really good and overwhelmed that you all came by to say hi to little old me. So I want to say THANK YOU all from the bottom of my old, weird, geeky heart!
I was proud of myself that I had a few drinks and didn't make an ass of myself. And if I did, I'm sure there'e photographic evidence floating around.
Anyway, ah, good times....
D-
1:05 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Make Me a Whisper
Current mood: depressed
I came home from work tonite and I cried.
No, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I thought I had myself togther, I thought I had somewhat of a hold on things.
But life decided in bold, groping, dry-humping, jack-hammering, red-faced alcoholic, motherfucking relief to let me know just how fucked up I still am.
I sat on my bed and the warm bubble of the days exertions was still surrounding me. I had to force it out like it was bad seafood I had for dinner. I knew if I didn't let out the pain it was just going to go back into hiding like it always does only to resurface like some demented whack-a-mole. It was more of a convulsion than anything else. Like a seizure.
I'm suprised a piece of my heart didn't come up with all the tears and nasal fluid. I'd pick it up out of my tissue and burn it as a warning to the rest of it.
"All you are is a goddamn valve pump! Stop making me miserable!"
I used to like working Thursdays.
If there's anyone out there who believes in some sort of deity, put in a good word for me. I don't kow what to do anymore and even a dirty cynic like me needs someone to pray for him.
At the end of the night while I was clocking out I quoted Danny Glover's line from Lethal Weapon 1:
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
One of my co-workers knew the line and I said "best cop movie of the '80s". The one scene I always remember is Mel Gibson's (before he "jumped the couch") character sitting in his trailer in tears. He loads one 9mm round into the chamber of his Berreta while looking at a photo of his deceased wife. It was either one of the best acting jobs I've seen or it's something he's thought of before and he's re-inacting it. First he considers putting the barrel under his chin, eyes wild and glazed over with grief. Then he settles for putting the barrel inside his mouth, the muzzel probably resting on the roof. Of course he decides against it otherwise the movie would have been over.
At the end of the movie, when all the bad guys are dead, Riggs and Murtaugh meet up at his family's house. Riggs says, quoting loosley:
"Let me tell you a secret. I'm not crazy"
"I know." he says back and they go eat and the credits roll.
I've been in the same spot as he has for a while and let me tell you a secret.
I'm not crazy, I'm just in pain. I'm not as pretty as Mel but it doesn't mean I'm cruel or deranged. I could never hurt anyone, if you don't count myself.
I can't stand it if people are nervious around me, that's probably where my sense of humor comes from.
I'm rambling again, don't mind me....
D-
12:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Self Autopsy
Current mood: thoughtful
I admit this, I'm pretty hard on myself.
I tend to beat myself over alot of things that most people would let slide off of them like water off a duck's back. I mean you can't expect things to be perfect in your life. Lord knows I'm not perfect in any way what so ever.
Whenever I want things to turn out in my favor they always burst into flames.
It's my failures, with people, that haunt me.
Most of the time I'm a walking bag of loose wiring held together by pure will. It annoys the living shit out of me when I can't do anything right when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I feel like punching walls and destroying bathrooms like that guy in "Punch-Drunk Love". All I've ever wanted is to express myself correctly and not make an ass out of myself in the process.
Not that making a fool of myself has a time or place, mind you.
One of the most fullfilling moments in life, I believe, is looking into someone's eyes and not fear, not hesitate. To know the person in front of you understands you and is cool with that. Trust is a big thing in my life, but finding someone to trust in this life is hard.
Especially for a walking basket case like me it's even harder.
I've made an ass out of myself in that pursuit recently and it still stings like a motherfucker. Everytime I see her it makes me wince and I can only hope that time will scab over the pain.
I beat myself up, and after all these years it doesn't hurt any less. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe someday the fates will be kind and give me that perfect moment where it counts.
Or if not perfect, at least good enough.
I can live with that.
D-
Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002
9:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Back in the Saddle Again
Current mood: contemplative
Well, it's been 6 days without having to work and I've gotten a few things done I was hoping to. I had a pretty darn good birthday. I dunno this year it wasn't about the presents it was more to do with how I felt.
I don't want to overdramatize this more than I should, I mean, all those people who came out were probably not there to see me. In fact I know that a few were there to see off my friend who is moving to the east coast.
That and he's not a troll, like me.
He's a hell of a nice guy and I wish him all the luck in the world. The get-together was supposed to be for him too so it worked out nicely. I really thank everyone for coming out no matter what their reasons were. It felt great to be around people and have some fun.
I'm kinda mixed about going back to work. I really liked being away from the place for a while and not running around like a damn fool all day. On the other hand everyone I know is there and I kinda miss being useful.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.....
D-
2:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My Shotglass Runeth Over With Friends & Fun
Current mood: content
I think in planning that birthday thingie I made a few mistakes.
I've had my cell phone since febuary and I'm still learning how to text message. I probably missed inviting a few people in the process, and I opologize for botched communication on my part. Plus I didn't get to go into work and personally invite a few people. Sorry!
I was stuck putting together a computer desk with my dad for most of the day. My familia bbqed some steaks for me which was nice. They didn't know what to get for me. When I said things like 'ipod' and 'new monitor for my comp' they looked at me like I was from Mars.
I ended up spurging for an Ipod for myself.
Thanks me! You shouldn't have!
*cough*
The highlight of my day was getting to spend some time having fun with friends. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to show up! It made me feel really good and overwhelmed that you all came by to say hi to little old me. So I want to say THANK YOU all from the bottom of my old, weird, geeky heart!
I was proud of myself that I had a few drinks and didn't make an ass of myself. And if I did, I'm sure there'e photographic evidence floating around.
Anyway, ah, good times....
D-
1:05 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Elliott Smith, happy belated b-day
Current mood: exhausted
I remember the first time I heard Elliott Smith sing.
It was on the Oscars, he was nominated for best song along with Celine Dione (sp) that year. It was the year of "Titanic" and was sweeping most of the awards. I was personally rooting for "L.A. Confidential" that year because the movie was a almost perfect adaptation of the novel (also I'm a huge James Ellroy fan). Of course Celine Dione had this huge production for her song for "My Heart Will Go On" from that James Cameron Crapfest. The whole orchestra was rousted from the pit near the stage and was there on stage for her song.
For his song, Elliott Smith was on stage in a white suit, with an accoustic guitar, by himself. He sang his song "Miss Misery" from "Good Will Hunting" bowed politely and left.
I remember really liking the song and the lack of pomp was a nice change (Dione ended up winning that year).
A couple of years went by and I was out in Lawn and Garden freezing my ass off on a closing shift. I had sneaked a copy of Rolling Stone with me to help pass the time. I read a review of "Figure 8", at the time his latest album. I bought it then picked up his albums whenever I came across them.
I remember hearing about his death in Baltimore when I was living with my ex. It came as a shock as it did many people. I was in the pits of the death throes of my first love affair. I was still working as much as I could to appease my ex. I was busing it to work almost everyday picking up hours whenever I could. An hour there and an hour back. I listened to his postumous album "From A Basement on a Hill" quite a bit to pass the time. I hoped to figure out why he died by listening to the album which has alot of dark imagery. The coroners report says he commited suicide, but that's up for debate.
Since the break up I listen to his music at least once a day. My ex used to say that I shouldn't listen to his music because it was too sad.
I beg to differ, his music helps me with my depression because it shows me I'm not alone. That it's ok. It's comfort when other people don't understand (or don't want to). Sure, whenever someone asks me who I'm listening to and I say Elliott Smith they don't know who I'm talking about.
That's ok too, their loss.
So, happy belated birthday Elloitt. He would have been 37 on August 6th.
Thanks for helping me out....
Say Yes.mp3
Happiness.mp3
Waltz #2 (XO).mp3
D-
3:00 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I'm Still Here
Current mood: contemplative
With my birthday just around the corner I wonder if I've made any progress. In some ways I think I have, in others I've stalled out. I've made some friends and I've....lost others. I've tried to be a good and helpful person to those around me. And, to paraphrase the words of songwriter Johnny Lee "looked for love in all the wrong places" apparently.
I've been depressed, occasionally I've been moody, sometimes sarcastic, unconsolebly tragic, unrepentantly annoyed, achingly heartbroken, near the redline of mental breakdown.
But....
I'm still here.
34 fucking years old.
I need to get toasted, I'm well overdue for some fun.
D-
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Monday, August 07, 2006
"Disturbing"
Can you hear that?
From the look on your face
I know you didn't
It's not something people expect
And from the set of your eyes
It's not something you wish to know
You only see it if you care enough
I know
One look at me and it's
Easily disregarded
I didn't know what to expect
And in the end
I didn't know what to do
Either way it destroyed me
Like a part of me went rotten
And had to be cut out
Thrown away
Gangrenous and sickly smelling
It had to be done I told myself
It was a part of me
Beautiful in it's way
Until it hit the open air and died
A radio signal going one way
Stillborn and not meant to be
Alien and alone
Like me
I was a fool
I knew that knowingly
It's not my habit
I'm sorry
If you found it
Disturbing
D-
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Sunday, August 06, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
You'll never see the last of me...
Current mood: cynical
One day
Maybe soon
I'll disappear
And no one will notice
It will be so quiet
It's like I was never there
I'm not a person
Who makes a scene
Sometimes the greatest protest
Against the people who live in a
Bubble of self interest
Is to deprive them
Of the memory of you
No closure
No slamming of doors
No bang and wimper
Just one day
Slip out the door
Take one last look then....
gone
D-
3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 04, 2006
How To Break Your Own Heart
Current mood: crappy
Be self loathing
Be neurotic
Always think things will go your way
Believe in the wrong people
Believe in happy endings
Believe life is just and kind
Give your heart to people who don't want it
Love people who don't care about you
Always think you'll be invited
Always think there's room for you
Believe in a god who likes to see you squirm
Believe in a god who wants to see you die for him
Believe that if you do throw him the idol that he will throw you the whip
(adios señor)
Let your heart override your head
Let your passion get the better of you
Understand when people hurt you
Let the sadness kill you inside
Kick yourself when you're down
Let self destruction have the keys
Let the void of death tempt you
Don't see tomorrow
D-
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Thursday, August 03, 2006
Yeah, I know...
Current mood: intimidated
I'm a fool, gimme the funny hat. I'll wear it.
I feel drained and strung along.
Like my frontal lobe has been scraped with sandpaper.
I want to lay in my bed and die.
I never wanted this, but it had to come out.
Like a tumor that plays your favorite songs
Little did I know I'd be the laughing stock
It was killing me.
I was considering being a drunk
Or eating alot of pills
When you can't rein in your silly dreams, insanity isn't far behind
I was at odds with my logic and it was starting to bend.
I mean, if I can't love myself what chance do I have?
Maybe it was a cry for help
Or a self desructive urge
I didn't want to be scared of her anymore
I needed to explain
I'm not a monster
Or a studdering idiot
Maybe a hopless romantic
Or just hopeless
D-
Currently listening :
Daisies of the Galaxy
By Eels
Release date: By 14 March, 2000
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You'll never see the last of me...
Current mood: cynical
One day
Maybe soon
I'll disappear
And no one will notice
It will be so quiet
It's like I was never there
I'm not a person
Who makes a scene
Sometimes the greatest protest
Against the people who live in a
Bubble of self interest
Is to deprive them
Of the memory of you
No closure
No slamming of doors
No bang and wimper
Just one day
Slip out the door
Take one last look then....
gone
D-
3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 04, 2006
How To Break Your Own Heart
Current mood: crappy
Be self loathing
Be neurotic
Always think things will go your way
Believe in the wrong people
Believe in happy endings
Believe life is just and kind
Give your heart to people who don't want it
Love people who don't care about you
Always think you'll be invited
Always think there's room for you
Believe in a god who likes to see you squirm
Believe in a god who wants to see you die for him
Believe that if you do throw him the idol that he will throw you the whip
(adios señor)
Let your heart override your head
Let your passion get the better of you
Understand when people hurt you
Let the sadness kill you inside
Kick yourself when you're down
Let self destruction have the keys
Let the void of death tempt you
Don't see tomorrow
D-
1:36 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Yeah, I know...
Current mood: intimidated
I'm a fool, gimme the funny hat. I'll wear it.
I feel drained and strung along.
Like my frontal lobe has been scraped with sandpaper.
I want to lay in my bed and die.
I never wanted this, but it had to come out.
Like a tumor that plays your favorite songs
Little did I know I'd be the laughing stock
It was killing me.
I was considering being a drunk
Or eating alot of pills
When you can't rein in your silly dreams, insanity isn't far behind
I was at odds with my logic and it was starting to bend.
I mean, if I can't love myself what chance do I have?
Maybe it was a cry for help
Or a self desructive urge
I didn't want to be scared of her anymore
I needed to explain
I'm not a monster
Or a studdering idiot
Maybe a hopless romantic
Or just hopeless
D-
Currently listening :
Daisies of the Galaxy
By Eels
Release date: By 14 March, 2000
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Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
"My god Bones, what have I done...?"
"What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."
Kirk and McCoy from Star Trek III
Apparently I've shot myself in the foot.
Lemme Explain....
When I started writing this blog, or as I like to call it "online therapy". I've always been careful never to name names of the people I've been talking about.
And anyway, who really gives a shit about how I feel anyway?
It seems as though all the spewtum, stomache acid, bile, and all manner of gut juice I've been deposting here has spilled over into my waking life.
Namely: My Job
What I felt at work the other day is just the beginning I fear, now I have to survey the damage a whole lot faster than muthafuckin' FEMA.
One of you kind folks out there is a good enough detective to connect the lines
(yes, I'm being paranoid, but every good paranoid has to have some facts to back him up), and to those who have been paying attention, cheers.
I now have new drama in my life, which is something I did not want. I have enough drama between my thinning hairline and my Flintstone feet to last a thousand therapy visits.
But anyhoo....
I'm going to try to catch Miami Vice tonite. Rolling Stone gave it a pretty solid review and I'm a sucker for Michael Mann crime flicks.
Wish me luck,
D-
4:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
A Whisper to a Scream
Current mood: bitchy
As I walked into work today I braced for the inevitable. Well, maybe not inevitable. It could have been just another day.
The place was busy with guests, and I looked over at food court and I saw ######## and ####. She was talking animatedly, I should have taken that as my first clue.
As I walked over to the office door there was a cluster of people I knew in front of the photo lab and then....I got "the look".
I wanted to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. It's that look that says "yes, we were talking about you and you didn't put the toilet seat down". The old "stank eye" if you will.
I said hello and they dispersed.
As I walked inside and clocked in my face got hot and my stomache felt like it was playing Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" way too fucking loud.
I came out and got my go-backs and still felt it all penning me in. I went back and started picking up in my dept. for the first time of the night. It felt like I was running a fever, my brain went into overdrive calculating all the "worst case senarios". I mean I even considered #### having me jumped before I came into work and smashing my face in. Having to stumble inside with my face looking like 12 miles of bad road and blood all over my red shirt. Or even getting fired, or even given some 25 cent nails and being put UP for the night. With a wreath left over from Christmas looped around my head for just for added irony.
It's not like I did anything bad, just maybe not the smartest thing in the world. It was something I could live with. If it not for the "social reprecussions" it could have been a sunny spot in my world.
That sound you hear in the distance isn't the sea, IT'S MY BITTER LAUGHTER.
After a while, when my curiosity finally got the better of me, I went to a reliable source who knows who's talking about who. The "Gossip Yoda" if you will. After some small talk she knew I had something specific to talk about.
"Do you know what people are saying about me?" I ask in barely held together dread.
"All I know is something about a letter and the recipient needing to talk to you about it." she said clearly seeing seeing the pain in my expression.
She knows, they know, every-FUCKING-one knows. Because...
My heart sank into my shoes. I felt ill.
Because ######## told them.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I took a breath, "No, but I'll talk to you later."
And that was the start of my day. I friend of mine came over to talk to me. His department was clear over on the other side of the store and just telling by his demeanor he knew something was up. Although to his credit he didn't say anything about it and I appreciated that.
I texted ######## during my lunch break to ask, tongue so firmly in my cheek it was protruding out of my cheek-bone, if she wanted to talk to me. She said yes, but later. I suggested tomorrow. She said maybe.
So there you have it.
The rest of the night actually wasn't too bad, we even got out of there a little early. If given my druthers I'd rather have... emotional conflagrations on a day off rather than at work.
Word to the wise children: when you put yourself out there emo, AND you want to keep it private, AND you have a suspicion you don't think the person will take it in the spirit it's delivered in.
Wear a helmet, dude.
D-
1:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The Tao of Daniel
Current mood: quixotic
Go forward
Face the day
Try to smile
(even if they knock your teeth in)
Control what you can
Ride out what you can't
Take the bump
Roll with it
Move away from your mistakes
('cause you'll make more later)
Rein in the impulse to slap stupid people
(even when they deserve it)
Suffer your own indictments
(eventually it gets tired and walks off)
Again, try to smile
(otherwise people think you're mad at them)
Help people when you can
(eventually it will come back to you....hahah, just kidding)
Laugh instead of cry
('cause laughing is easier to explain)
Always have a joke ready
(just in case you need to change the subject)
The best days and the worst days end eventually
(then there's tomorrow to deal with)
D-
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Monday, July 31, 2006
Nightmares Become Me
Current mood: depressed
The lies you project on the outside world
The imaginary scars in your chest
Is the reality the negative things that poison my mind
Or is it really the thought of a gun in mouth being comforting
I want to be high and stay there
The twisting mood swing tumbling back down that kills me
I look at my knife collection and wonder
Which one of these can cut it out of me?
Gut the Fear
Gut the Anger
Gut the Self Hate
I know this story
I've heard it a million times before
The holes in me with nothing to fill them with
My life left deflated on the floor
I'm too old and too diseased to help
I fear no-one can help me
Who am I anymore?
I just don't know
Is it the pain that defines me?
I pretend
I pretend everyday
They don't know me
It's probably for the best
I hate the me people don't see
And the one they see
I don't know whether to believe my perceptions anymore
It's all ghosts and shadows
Maybe I need to let it all go
D-
1:44 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Living The Suicide Life
Current mood: crushed
I feel about as low as a thin dime in the gutter right now. I don't know whether to fall asleep or cry. I'm having trouble keeping it together.
I either did something that might be thought of as very good or truly stupid. Right now I sure don't know which and it's all my fault.
It could blow up in my face or it could be nothing, I don't know which is worse.
What I thought as something huge in my life. I thought about it long and hard for months. It could become something good, or big and angry, or be nothing but a mouse fart.
I want to run and hide, I want someone to say it's okay....
I did this, I can't undo it, I just have to live with it.
My heart is on a string, is it a pinyata?
My heart is on my sleeve, it's dripping on my shoes.
My heart is in a box, I want to smash it.
I told someone I love them today.
I didn't have the nerve to say it aloud
I wrote it in a note
Like a fucking schoolboy
I was so nervious
I was creeping myself out
I considered venting my anger outside on a bench
Knowing me I'd break my hand
God, I'm an idiot
Sick in the head and heart
All I wanted was to lighten the load
I should have known better
D-
Currently listening :
Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
By Eels
Release date: By 26 April, 2005
12:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 30, 2006
It's not going away
Current mood: discontent
My beautiful sickness,
my ugly interior scars,
my dire longings,
my self inflicted wounds,
my diverted suicide runs,
my lost chances,
my morose visage,
never never never never never never never never.....
Maybe?
Stolen glances,
needful yearnings,
greedy scumbag feelings,
air sucking heart,
empty promises,
self told lies,
self deluded dreams of happiness.
God hates me because I'm a loser,
God helps those who help themselves,
Jesus loves you if you believe in him,
heaven opens to you if you repent.
How do you repent if you believe in nothing?
She's too young,
I'm too old,
she doesn't love me,
I love her transendant,
heart beats half way molded into a brick wall of pure nothingness,
fire is snuffed in a vacuum.
Why am I still alive?
We had a talk
We made a deal
(or at least I thought, it was one sided)
I offered consessions
Make me happy and I'll believe
Just take the pain away
Take the loneliness away
I'll believe
I promise
I'll believe anything
I have a will of steel
Open my eyes or shut them forever
I won't ask questions
I'll believe the fuzzy logic
I'll believe the lie
I'll hate the people you want
Even if it's not their fault
I'll believe your flaming sword is righteous
Just let me see the love
I'm starving with need
Even if my mind shrieks
I need hope
It's hard to walk
It's hard to see
It's hard to feel
It's hard not to feel
everything
I'm so tired
I'll cry and beg
Just don't let me fall
D-
Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006
2:24 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, July 29, 2006
The Outside In
Current mood: depressed
When you're a guy like me, you have to get your information in unusual ways.
You have to be a detective.
When you're not exactly Mr.or Ms. Popular in order to learn about the people around you have to be observe them. This isn't as hard as it seems, when you are on the outside looking in, people don't notice. You see their body language when they talk. Do they make eye contact when they talk to you?
And you have to listen and file everything away. When they talk to other people do they touch them. How do they stand? What's their posture?
When you're as self consious as I am it really comes in handy. You find out who to avoid and who wants you around.
I think this is why I hold grudges sometimes, because I notice these things more accutely. It's the small things. The things people don't notice.
The small sins that lay in our wake define us. What you don't say is just as important as what you don't. We see only that which we want to see.
I see beauty in people, even if I can't see it in myself. The bad things in life are more tolerable at long as they're honest.
The things that are harder to say are usually the most important.
I'm done for now.....
D-
2:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Angel, The Loser and The Hitman : a short story
It starts like this.
I'm sitting in a diner. One of those retro ones that look the same since the '50s. I'm sitting in a boot with blood red naugahyde cushions. The ones that if you shift around make that farting sound. It has to be early because it feels like I haven't slept for days. It must be in Baltimore because the snow is falling outside like fluffy cornflakes.
I realize I feel cold and clammy. I feel the moisture gathering on the top of my head. I look down and the placemat has coupons all over it for local stores. I feel a shudder rise up from the small of my back.
I look up and realize I'm not alone.
An old man in a dark suit looks at me with dead gun-metal blue eyes. He had a cup of black coffee in front of him. Without looking down he tears open packs of sugar and dumps them into his coffee. 4 packets worth. He picks up his spoon and quietly swirls it around the scalping hot liquid.
He doesn't say a word as he coldly gazes at me as I squirm in my seat.
I pick up the napkin that was wrapped around my silverware and wipe my hands. My mouth suddenly feels dry and I sip from a galss of water put there by the waitress it seems like hours ago. I wonder if I ordered something.
Then, finally, he speaks.
"When you contacted me I didn't understand what it was you wanted. I still don't. Could you tell me what it is you want me to do?"
I clear my throat. "I was refered to you by people who said you did unusual jobs. To put it bluntly, you kill people."
My words hang in the air a moment. He pick up his mug and sips from it never taking his eyes off of me.
I continue, "I don't need you to kill someone, per se, I need you to kill something."
"As far as I know 'things' cannot be killed. Now, living things..." He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes "...that's another story."
"What if," I counter, " it's the feelings I have for someone? The impulse it be near them?"
"Are you talking about love?" he lights a cigarette with a chrome zippo with a skull and crossbones engraved on it. He inhales deeply and lets the smoke trail lazily from his nostrels.
"I guess you could say that. Except the person I feel that for doesn't feel that for me. Hell, I'm not even sure she likes me at all." Somehow saying the words, even to a total stranger, relieves some of the pent up tension.
The man's dark eyes soften slightly, then he laughs. "Have you thought about, gee I don't know, asking her? It's not that hard you know."
"You know many times I've told myself that?" I feel the frustration rise in my chest. I look down at the table and try to compose myself. The man in the dark suit cranes his head looking for the waitress to refill his coffee cup.
"Anyway.." I continue, "it's someone I work with. Plus she's involved with another person I work with. It makes things so damn hard having these feelings inside me under those circumstances. She's said that she likes me as a friend...."
The dark suited man groans and rolls his eyes as if reliving something from his past.
"Oh lord, kill me now..."
I manage a smile. "Happen to you too huh?"
"No fucking comment." He crushes his cig into the glass ashtray.
"It's a feeling I've gotten used to, y'know. Not being...wanted like that by women. Not that I blame them, mind you." Suddenly I'm tired, god I could eat something right now.
Pancakes, maybe.
"I've been shy all my life, and clinically depressed. People don't want to be around that type of person. I'm not exactly pretty either. Someone who has trouble with...interpersonal dynamics. I get nervious, god, do I get nervious. I don't even have a driver's license!"
"Sounds like you need a 'shrink' more than you need a hitman, chief.," the dark man grumbles.
I go on like I don't hear him.
"When you aren't considered boyfriend material by a lady, and still want to know them, you become a confidante. I've become a pretty good listener. I love women, even though they don't love me..."
"That's part of your problem, chief." he said pointing at me with his Pall Mall. "Men and women aren't supposed to be friends. It just doesn't work. Men will always want to have sex even if the woman doesn't want them. There will always be that tension. Well, unless they're gay."
"And I'm not gay," I counter.
"Yeah, I figured that out."
"The shit of it is I respect her. Yeah, she's beautiful, but she's smart, funny, and kind to everyone around her. She doesn't have that polished distain for people around her like some people I know. I know I could be a better person with someone like her in my life. I lost so much faith in the world in the past couple of years. I've been trying to be better. I'm even on medication. But I feel like I'm not a good enough reason to be better."
"I don't follow.." he says cocking an eyebrow.
"Y'know, I don't either," I nod my head ruefully. "Without something to work twards what's the point in being better? On the other hand..."
"That fucking waitress isn't getting a tip." The man is standing now looking around the deserted diner. "I should put a .45 slug in her ass on pure principal."
He sits down and straightens his tie. "Y'know, I could just kill her and save you some hand-wringing. But I don't 'do' women."
"No, I'd rather die myself than be responsible for that. Believe me it'd be a mercy killing putting out my lights."
"...I don't do assisted suicides either. That's something you're going to have to do yourself."
"I think I just need to kill these feelings I have for her. I've used up every logical arguement why I shouldn't feel this way and damn me...."
I realize my face is wet. The tears have become cold in the air and are dripping on the marbled formica tabletop. I wipe my face with the shredded napkin in my hand.
"It just won't leave me alone and it hurts."
The dark suited man runs a hand across his bald head. "I'm not sure I can do anything for you, chief. This isn't in my job description. I kill people, not....love."
I look down at my menu and notice the words are all jumbled up. That's odd.
"Somehow I knew that's what you were going to say."
I stand up and go to the glass doors and step through them. I look at the snow falling lazily to the ground outside. It's not cold, then it finally dawns on me.
I look behind me and the diner is gone. The man in the dark suit is gone. The snow stops.
I wake up in my bed, in California, covered in sweat. My blankets are tangled around me like linen snakes. I roll onto my back and try to loosen their hold on me.
I bring my hands to my face. Turns out only the tears were real.
D-
12:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 24, 2006
"The Good,..." for a change
Current mood: contemplative
I guess I could be accused of focusing on the "The Bad, and the Ugly" when it comes to yours truly. As the scorpion said to the bullfrog: it's in my nature.
So, I've decided to think of things that are good about me. Or at least honorable, maybe admirable, or at least not pitiful. So here we go.
1. I could never, ever, be cruel to an animal. I think people who abuse animals are the scum of the earth. Even as a kid I never did anything like that. I don't even think I could dissect a dead one either.
2. There is no excuse in the world to raise your hand in anger to a woman. My ex GF made me so mad sometimes I could spit blood from my tear-ducts, but I could have never Ever hit her. I don't have that type of violence in me. Which is not to say that playful spanking can't be fun...*cough*
3. Making people laugh makes me feel good. You'd be suprised, after a long day of working with the public, crude and oddball jokes can really boost the moral of everyone around you. The brain reaches a level of atrophy when you work retail. The whole thing makes me punchy, and when I get punchy....nuff said.
4. When people ignore a e-mail, IM, or a text message I don't take it out on them. For example: There's this woman I know, I personally think the world of her. Yes, the whole globe. But she's only ever replied to a message from me once. Once. So she must be busy with a million other things in her life. Things that are so much more important than writing me back Either that or she thinks I'm just a creep and doesn't want to encourage me.
Oh kay, I'm getting off track here. Good things remember? Right..ok.
Moooving on!
5. I always have a greeting for the people I know. And I'll always say I'm fine, even if I'm not (people don't need the drama).
6. I'm a pretty decent shot. I've fired several types of firearms, mostly handguns. As someone once said "It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have one and need it".
7. I used to study art and drew for a long time. I can draw a decent portrait still.
8. I built my own computer not too long ago. It was a nerve-wracking process but I felt very proud I did it myself.
9. I'm a good listener, I think. There is too much talking and not enough listening in this world IMO.
10. Open the door for her, tell her she looks pretty, listen to her, pay for everything, make her feel special because all women are.
11. I always show respect:if it is given and if it isn't you can think "Asshole" and say "Sir".
12. I take a shower everyday whether I need it or not.
That's all I can think of right now. I guess it's not bad for a first try. I don't really take compliments very well anyway.
D-
7:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 23, 2006
No Title .1
Current mood: contemplative
I looked under the bed
I checked in my pants pockets
I swept through the corners of my room
I meandered by the doorway
I prodded underneath the covers
I flipped through my books
Browsed through my magazines
Looked out in the yard
Peered underneath the car
Beat the leaves from the bushes
Where did it go?
Everything is out of place
I must be going crazy
Was it ever there at all?
I wonder if I'll ever find it again
Maybe someone will
I don't feel right without it
Maybe what's gone is gone
What will people think of me
It's the headlight of my soul
The light is burning dim
Maybe I should tell them
I've lost my smile
Help me find it?
D-
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"My god Bones, what have I done...?"
"What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."
Kirk and McCoy from Star Trek III
Apparently I've shot myself in the foot.
Lemme Explain....
When I started writing this blog, or as I like to call it "online therapy". I've always been careful never to name names of the people I've been talking about.
And anyway, who really gives a shit about how I feel anyway?
It seems as though all the spewtum, stomache acid, bile, and all manner of gut juice I've been deposting here has spilled over into my waking life.
Namely: My Job
What I felt at work the other day is just the beginning I fear, now I have to survey the damage a whole lot faster than muthafuckin' FEMA.
One of you kind folks out there is a good enough detective to connect the lines
(yes, I'm being paranoid, but every good paranoid has to have some facts to back him up), and to those who have been paying attention, cheers.
I now have new drama in my life, which is something I did not want. I have enough drama between my thinning hairline and my Flintstone feet to last a thousand therapy visits.
But anyhoo....
I'm going to try to catch Miami Vice tonite. Rolling Stone gave it a pretty solid review and I'm a sucker for Michael Mann crime flicks.
Wish me luck,
D-
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A Whisper to a Scream
Current mood: bitchy
As I walked into work today I braced for the inevitable. Well, maybe not inevitable. It could have been just another day.
The place was busy with guests, and I looked over at food court and I saw ######## and ####. She was talking animatedly, I should have taken that as my first clue.
As I walked over to the office door there was a cluster of people I knew in front of the photo lab and then....I got "the look".
I wanted to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. It's that look that says "yes, we were talking about you and you didn't put the toilet seat down". The old "stank eye" if you will.
I said hello and they dispersed.
As I walked inside and clocked in my face got hot and my stomache felt like it was playing Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" way too fucking loud.
I came out and got my go-backs and still felt it all penning me in. I went back and started picking up in my dept. for the first time of the night. It felt like I was running a fever, my brain went into overdrive calculating all the "worst case senarios". I mean I even considered #### having me jumped before I came into work and smashing my face in. Having to stumble inside with my face looking like 12 miles of bad road and blood all over my red shirt. Or even getting fired, or even given some 25 cent nails and being put UP for the night. With a wreath left over from Christmas looped around my head for just for added irony.
It's not like I did anything bad, just maybe not the smartest thing in the world. It was something I could live with. If it not for the "social reprecussions" it could have been a sunny spot in my world.
That sound you hear in the distance isn't the sea, IT'S MY BITTER LAUGHTER.
After a while, when my curiosity finally got the better of me, I went to a reliable source who knows who's talking about who. The "Gossip Yoda" if you will. After some small talk she knew I had something specific to talk about.
"Do you know what people are saying about me?" I ask in barely held together dread.
"All I know is something about a letter and the recipient needing to talk to you about it." she said clearly seeing seeing the pain in my expression.
She knows, they know, every-FUCKING-one knows. Because...
My heart sank into my shoes. I felt ill.
Because ######## told them.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I took a breath, "No, but I'll talk to you later."
And that was the start of my day. I friend of mine came over to talk to me. His department was clear over on the other side of the store and just telling by his demeanor he knew something was up. Although to his credit he didn't say anything about it and I appreciated that.
I texted ######## during my lunch break to ask, tongue so firmly in my cheek it was protruding out of my cheek-bone, if she wanted to talk to me. She said yes, but later. I suggested tomorrow. She said maybe.
So there you have it.
The rest of the night actually wasn't too bad, we even got out of there a little early. If given my druthers I'd rather have... emotional conflagrations on a day off rather than at work.
Word to the wise children: when you put yourself out there emo, AND you want to keep it private, AND you have a suspicion you don't think the person will take it in the spirit it's delivered in.
Wear a helmet, dude.
D-
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The Tao of Daniel
Current mood: quixotic
Go forward
Face the day
Try to smile
(even if they knock your teeth in)
Control what you can
Ride out what you can't
Take the bump
Roll with it
Move away from your mistakes
('cause you'll make more later)
Rein in the impulse to slap stupid people
(even when they deserve it)
Suffer your own indictments
(eventually it gets tired and walks off)
Again, try to smile
(otherwise people think you're mad at them)
Help people when you can
(eventually it will come back to you....hahah, just kidding)
Laugh instead of cry
('cause laughing is easier to explain)
Always have a joke ready
(just in case you need to change the subject)
The best days and the worst days end eventually
(then there's tomorrow to deal with)
D-
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Monday, July 31, 2006
Nightmares Become Me
Current mood: depressed
The lies you project on the outside world
The imaginary scars in your chest
Is the reality the negative things that poison my mind
Or is it really the thought of a gun in mouth being comforting
I want to be high and stay there
The twisting mood swing tumbling back down that kills me
I look at my knife collection and wonder
Which one of these can cut it out of me?
Gut the Fear
Gut the Anger
Gut the Self Hate
I know this story
I've heard it a million times before
The holes in me with nothing to fill them with
My life left deflated on the floor
I'm too old and too diseased to help
I fear no-one can help me
Who am I anymore?
I just don't know
Is it the pain that defines me?
I pretend
I pretend everyday
They don't know me
It's probably for the best
I hate the me people don't see
And the one they see
I don't know whether to believe my perceptions anymore
It's all ghosts and shadows
Maybe I need to let it all go
D-
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Living The Suicide Life
Current mood: crushed
I feel about as low as a thin dime in the gutter right now. I don't know whether to fall asleep or cry. I'm having trouble keeping it together.
I either did something that might be thought of as very good or truly stupid. Right now I sure don't know which and it's all my fault.
It could blow up in my face or it could be nothing, I don't know which is worse.
What I thought as something huge in my life. I thought about it long and hard for months. It could become something good, or big and angry, or be nothing but a mouse fart.
I want to run and hide, I want someone to say it's okay....
I did this, I can't undo it, I just have to live with it.
My heart is on a string, is it a pinyata?
My heart is on my sleeve, it's dripping on my shoes.
My heart is in a box, I want to smash it.
I told someone I love them today.
I didn't have the nerve to say it aloud
I wrote it in a note
Like a fucking schoolboy
I was so nervious
I was creeping myself out
I considered venting my anger outside on a bench
Knowing me I'd break my hand
God, I'm an idiot
Sick in the head and heart
All I wanted was to lighten the load
I should have known better
D-
Currently listening :
Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
By Eels
Release date: By 26 April, 2005
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Sunday, July 30, 2006
It's not going away
Current mood: discontent
My beautiful sickness,
my ugly interior scars,
my dire longings,
my self inflicted wounds,
my diverted suicide runs,
my lost chances,
my morose visage,
never never never never never never never never.....
Maybe?
Stolen glances,
needful yearnings,
greedy scumbag feelings,
air sucking heart,
empty promises,
self told lies,
self deluded dreams of happiness.
God hates me because I'm a loser,
God helps those who help themselves,
Jesus loves you if you believe in him,
heaven opens to you if you repent.
How do you repent if you believe in nothing?
She's too young,
I'm too old,
she doesn't love me,
I love her transendant,
heart beats half way molded into a brick wall of pure nothingness,
fire is snuffed in a vacuum.
Why am I still alive?
We had a talk
We made a deal
(or at least I thought, it was one sided)
I offered consessions
Make me happy and I'll believe
Just take the pain away
Take the loneliness away
I'll believe
I promise
I'll believe anything
I have a will of steel
Open my eyes or shut them forever
I won't ask questions
I'll believe the fuzzy logic
I'll believe the lie
I'll hate the people you want
Even if it's not their fault
I'll believe your flaming sword is righteous
Just let me see the love
I'm starving with need
Even if my mind shrieks
I need hope
It's hard to walk
It's hard to see
It's hard to feel
It's hard not to feel
everything
I'm so tired
I'll cry and beg
Just don't let me fall
D-
Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006
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Saturday, July 29, 2006
The Outside In
Current mood: depressed
When you're a guy like me, you have to get your information in unusual ways.
You have to be a detective.
When you're not exactly Mr.or Ms. Popular in order to learn about the people around you have to be observe them. This isn't as hard as it seems, when you are on the outside looking in, people don't notice. You see their body language when they talk. Do they make eye contact when they talk to you?
And you have to listen and file everything away. When they talk to other people do they touch them. How do they stand? What's their posture?
When you're as self consious as I am it really comes in handy. You find out who to avoid and who wants you around.
I think this is why I hold grudges sometimes, because I notice these things more accutely. It's the small things. The things people don't notice.
The small sins that lay in our wake define us. What you don't say is just as important as what you don't. We see only that which we want to see.
I see beauty in people, even if I can't see it in myself. The bad things in life are more tolerable at long as they're honest.
The things that are harder to say are usually the most important.
I'm done for now.....
D-
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Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Angel, The Loser and The Hitman : a short story
It starts like this.
I'm sitting in a diner. One of those retro ones that look the same since the '50s. I'm sitting in a boot with blood red naugahyde cushions. The ones that if you shift around make that farting sound. It has to be early because it feels like I haven't slept for days. It must be in Baltimore because the snow is falling outside like fluffy cornflakes.
I realize I feel cold and clammy. I feel the moisture gathering on the top of my head. I look down and the placemat has coupons all over it for local stores. I feel a shudder rise up from the small of my back.
I look up and realize I'm not alone.
An old man in a dark suit looks at me with dead gun-metal blue eyes. He had a cup of black coffee in front of him. Without looking down he tears open packs of sugar and dumps them into his coffee. 4 packets worth. He picks up his spoon and quietly swirls it around the scalping hot liquid.
He doesn't say a word as he coldly gazes at me as I squirm in my seat.
I pick up the napkin that was wrapped around my silverware and wipe my hands. My mouth suddenly feels dry and I sip from a galss of water put there by the waitress it seems like hours ago. I wonder if I ordered something.
Then, finally, he speaks.
"When you contacted me I didn't understand what it was you wanted. I still don't. Could you tell me what it is you want me to do?"
I clear my throat. "I was refered to you by people who said you did unusual jobs. To put it bluntly, you kill people."
My words hang in the air a moment. He pick up his mug and sips from it never taking his eyes off of me.
I continue, "I don't need you to kill someone, per se, I need you to kill something."
"As far as I know 'things' cannot be killed. Now, living things..." He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes "...that's another story."
"What if," I counter, " it's the feelings I have for someone? The impulse it be near them?"
"Are you talking about love?" he lights a cigarette with a chrome zippo with a skull and crossbones engraved on it. He inhales deeply and lets the smoke trail lazily from his nostrels.
"I guess you could say that. Except the person I feel that for doesn't feel that for me. Hell, I'm not even sure she likes me at all." Somehow saying the words, even to a total stranger, relieves some of the pent up tension.
The man's dark eyes soften slightly, then he laughs. "Have you thought about, gee I don't know, asking her? It's not that hard you know."
"You know many times I've told myself that?" I feel the frustration rise in my chest. I look down at the table and try to compose myself. The man in the dark suit cranes his head looking for the waitress to refill his coffee cup.
"Anyway.." I continue, "it's someone I work with. Plus she's involved with another person I work with. It makes things so damn hard having these feelings inside me under those circumstances. She's said that she likes me as a friend...."
The dark suited man groans and rolls his eyes as if reliving something from his past.
"Oh lord, kill me now..."
I manage a smile. "Happen to you too huh?"
"No fucking comment." He crushes his cig into the glass ashtray.
"It's a feeling I've gotten used to, y'know. Not being...wanted like that by women. Not that I blame them, mind you." Suddenly I'm tired, god I could eat something right now.
Pancakes, maybe.
"I've been shy all my life, and clinically depressed. People don't want to be around that type of person. I'm not exactly pretty either. Someone who has trouble with...interpersonal dynamics. I get nervious, god, do I get nervious. I don't even have a driver's license!"
"Sounds like you need a 'shrink' more than you need a hitman, chief.," the dark man grumbles.
I go on like I don't hear him.
"When you aren't considered boyfriend material by a lady, and still want to know them, you become a confidante. I've become a pretty good listener. I love women, even though they don't love me..."
"That's part of your problem, chief." he said pointing at me with his Pall Mall. "Men and women aren't supposed to be friends. It just doesn't work. Men will always want to have sex even if the woman doesn't want them. There will always be that tension. Well, unless they're gay."
"And I'm not gay," I counter.
"Yeah, I figured that out."
"The shit of it is I respect her. Yeah, she's beautiful, but she's smart, funny, and kind to everyone around her. She doesn't have that polished distain for people around her like some people I know. I know I could be a better person with someone like her in my life. I lost so much faith in the world in the past couple of years. I've been trying to be better. I'm even on medication. But I feel like I'm not a good enough reason to be better."
"I don't follow.." he says cocking an eyebrow.
"Y'know, I don't either," I nod my head ruefully. "Without something to work twards what's the point in being better? On the other hand..."
"That fucking waitress isn't getting a tip." The man is standing now looking around the deserted diner. "I should put a .45 slug in her ass on pure principal."
He sits down and straightens his tie. "Y'know, I could just kill her and save you some hand-wringing. But I don't 'do' women."
"No, I'd rather die myself than be responsible for that. Believe me it'd be a mercy killing putting out my lights."
"...I don't do assisted suicides either. That's something you're going to have to do yourself."
"I think I just need to kill these feelings I have for her. I've used up every logical arguement why I shouldn't feel this way and damn me...."
I realize my face is wet. The tears have become cold in the air and are dripping on the marbled formica tabletop. I wipe my face with the shredded napkin in my hand.
"It just won't leave me alone and it hurts."
The dark suited man runs a hand across his bald head. "I'm not sure I can do anything for you, chief. This isn't in my job description. I kill people, not....love."
I look down at my menu and notice the words are all jumbled up. That's odd.
"Somehow I knew that's what you were going to say."
I stand up and go to the glass doors and step through them. I look at the snow falling lazily to the ground outside. It's not cold, then it finally dawns on me.
I look behind me and the diner is gone. The man in the dark suit is gone. The snow stops.
I wake up in my bed, in California, covered in sweat. My blankets are tangled around me like linen snakes. I roll onto my back and try to loosen their hold on me.
I bring my hands to my face. Turns out only the tears were real.
D-
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Monday, July 24, 2006
"The Good,..." for a change
Current mood: contemplative
I guess I could be accused of focusing on the "The Bad, and the Ugly" when it comes to yours truly. As the scorpion said to the bullfrog: it's in my nature.
So, I've decided to think of things that are good about me. Or at least honorable, maybe admirable, or at least not pitiful. So here we go.
1. I could never, ever, be cruel to an animal. I think people who abuse animals are the scum of the earth. Even as a kid I never did anything like that. I don't even think I could dissect a dead one either.
2. There is no excuse in the world to raise your hand in anger to a woman. My ex GF made me so mad sometimes I could spit blood from my tear-ducts, but I could have never Ever hit her. I don't have that type of violence in me. Which is not to say that playful spanking can't be fun...*cough*
3. Making people laugh makes me feel good. You'd be suprised, after a long day of working with the public, crude and oddball jokes can really boost the moral of everyone around you. The brain reaches a level of atrophy when you work retail. The whole thing makes me punchy, and when I get punchy....nuff said.
4. When people ignore a e-mail, IM, or a text message I don't take it out on them. For example: There's this woman I know, I personally think the world of her. Yes, the whole globe. But she's only ever replied to a message from me once. Once. So she must be busy with a million other things in her life. Things that are so much more important than writing me back Either that or she thinks I'm just a creep and doesn't want to encourage me.
Oh kay, I'm getting off track here. Good things remember? Right..ok.
Moooving on!
5. I always have a greeting for the people I know. And I'll always say I'm fine, even if I'm not (people don't need the drama).
6. I'm a pretty decent shot. I've fired several types of firearms, mostly handguns. As someone once said "It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have one and need it".
7. I used to study art and drew for a long time. I can draw a decent portrait still.
8. I built my own computer not too long ago. It was a nerve-wracking process but I felt very proud I did it myself.
9. I'm a good listener, I think. There is too much talking and not enough listening in this world IMO.
10. Open the door for her, tell her she looks pretty, listen to her, pay for everything, make her feel special because all women are.
11. I always show respect:if it is given and if it isn't you can think "Asshole" and say "Sir".
12. I take a shower everyday whether I need it or not.
That's all I can think of right now. I guess it's not bad for a first try. I don't really take compliments very well anyway.
D-
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Sunday, July 23, 2006
No Title .1
Current mood: contemplative
I looked under the bed
I checked in my pants pockets
I swept through the corners of my room
I meandered by the doorway
I prodded underneath the covers
I flipped through my books
Browsed through my magazines
Looked out in the yard
Peered underneath the car
Beat the leaves from the bushes
Where did it go?
Everything is out of place
I must be going crazy
Was it ever there at all?
I wonder if I'll ever find it again
Maybe someone will
I don't feel right without it
Maybe what's gone is gone
What will people think of me
It's the headlight of my soul
The light is burning dim
Maybe I should tell them
I've lost my smile
Help me find it?
D-
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Saturday, July 22, 2006
Lancing @ Windmills
Current mood: tired
I had that sick feeling at work again.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to change enough to have a decent life. God do I feel used up lately. And this hot weather is making it impossible to sleep. I hate just laying there and sweating.
I think I should maybe stop talking to people anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I've become a bad joke.
I had one goal as of late and I completely chickened out on it. God help me I tried but the words wouldn't form in my mouth. There was never the right moment. The moment in the movies when the music swells and it all comes together. Movies are just bad when it comes to the inner psyche relating to reality.
My own personal reality is starting to become overwelmed with heart ache. Sometimes I feel mad at myself for not knowing how to make it better. I'm beyond beating myself up, I fear I've become numb to it.
Even the simplest things I want have become Don Quiote style lancing at windmills. I've become my own bully taking my own luch money.
Part of me wants to belong, wants to connect with people. The other part sees all the clues in people's eyes and says to run away.
I wonder how people look at me, do I make them nervious, do they quickly look away. Does the conversation end abruptly when I have trouble with eye contact? At least cruelty is honest.
I wish I didn't care. That I could go through life and not care what anyone thinks. Maybe that's the definition of happiness is...
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Friday, July 21, 2006
Villians
Current mood: melancholy
Depression is my nemesis
Doubt and Fear are my enemy
Self Loathing is my drunk co-pilot
Sleep escapes me
Waking up is my crime
Love heckles me from the balcony
Logic walks in the dark basement
People are the things that leave me
My heart is a rabid wolverine
She is the thing I want in my life
Life evades me because I'm not fast enough
Desire hangs it's head and sighs
Hope ticks by and leaves when the heart dies
Death twirls it's gun and smiles
God takes a taxi to the beach
The Devil flies a kite
I fall again
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Thursday, July 20, 2006
It's hard to say "oh well, okay"
Current mood: cranky
Okay, just so's there's no confusion, I know the spot on which I stand looks kinda grim. I'm 33 years old, I don't drive, I live in my parents house, and I work retail (not making a living wage I might add). Also I'm not the most socially adept person in the world. I'm not stupid, alright? I know people are snickering behind my back. If my life were a boxing movie it would be about who stands in the ring and beats himself up.
I'm not braindead, I get it. I'm majorly fucked in the head, or is it the heart? I'm constantly at war with myself. I have some moment of zen when whatever task at hand gives me an escape. I get tired, I get obnoxious, sometimes I feel like giving up, I get moody, I'm a walking set of contradictions.
God I wish I was still doing sculpture. Kneading the clay 'till my knuckles pop! It was fun, It was 3d and more abstract than painting or sketching...
But anyway, I wish I could say what I feel but I'm afraid to say it. I become a studdering idiot when it comes to things that matter to me.
Maybe I should check myself into the nervious hospital, learn to paint with my toes in a rubber room?
Or maybe get on high-powered anti-psychotics and have my testes drop off my body like ripe apples?
God, it's too hot to think in here....
D-
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006
My Chest Is Ticking
Current mood: contemplative
It's funny, thought process vs. reality.
You could think about one thing for months, have it rolling around your subconsious for longer, worry, fret and ponder on it for hours. But once it leave your mouth in some form or another, just when all the amassed psychic energy hits the air, it could turn into nothing or worse.
It's the science of people. Cause and effect. Chaos Theory wearing sneakers.
It's one thing to have cold facts on a sheet of paper, it's another to have emotions mixed in. Emotion bridges the gaps in logic which is unfortunate.
But when it comes to people emotions are the most important thing followed not so closely by facts.
It maybe a beautiful day today by some people's standards but you feel like shit so it isn't so beautiful.
Id, ego, and super-ego. Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Spock tells you the odds are 200000.45 o 1 that the sun will turn nova in five minutes, McCoy reacts passionately and says "Holy Shit, Jim! Those people are going to die! " Kirk makes the choice between saving the planet below or getting the hell out of there.
When you talk to people about emotion it's like defusing an atomic bomb. Especially when it comes to love. Everything on paper might make it all impossible, but if it's there, it's like the duct-tape of the universe.
To paraphrase a comedian who's name I can't remember "if love can't fix it, it's broke."
But the thing about love is ther has to be two. If it's just one, then it's just energy untapped. Like a keg of beer rolled down a hill and left to sit. It probably made Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear or Edgar Allen Poe drink himself into oblivion in a gutter in Baltimore.
But the difference between fact and reality hinges on how people communicate. It's all just a mass of butterflies in your stomache until whatever cat gets let out of the bag.
Or at least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
If I can make it 'til my birthday alive I'll be lucky....
D-
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Sunday, July 16, 2006
Blue Saturday
My day wasn't my day to be well.
After having been up 'til around 5am I awoke in a beaten daze around 1:20 pm. I remembered I had to walk to work today and knew I had to get on the road at 2:30. This gave me an hour to get my shit together, such as it was.
I had alot on my mind, some of which is unfortunately too private to talk of here. And believe me I'd love to let it out and let it skitter around like kittens on a lenoluim floor.
So, I showered and shaved, checked e-mail, threw on work clothes. Couldn't find my heartburn pills which pissed me off. Didn't have time to have anything decent to eat so I grabbed a couple cookies and a Coke and hit the road. It's at least a mile walk to work so I had to hurry.
I think it had something to do with the lack of sleep, the rush to get to work, and the general state of my mind. Some of it had to do with that thing I can't tell you about. I felt like I was going to throw up a couple hours after I started working. My mind was on a merry-go-round. I felt like just sitting down and crying and hope it would stop. I hadn't felt like this since before I'd started taking the pills my doc prescribed me. I shudder to think what it would have felt like if I hadn't taken them.
Eventually I managed to get ahold of myself and make it through the day. I truly hate being like this. Having my emotions converge on me like angry dogs. I wish I wasn't alone. Sometimes I just want someone to touch my face and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not a greedy man. I don't wish for the perfect life. I just want to feel content and feel some passion in my life.
Oh well, enough grumbling.
D-
12:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, July 14, 2006
Frodo, BWI, and Le Grande Morte
Current mood: contemplative
Something about today made me feel like something was going to end soon. It's that creeping shadow that settles in your heart.
In real life, unlike the movies, ending are less distinct unless someone croaks. That would be the end of someone. Le Grande Morte.But things in life end and we keep on going. Love affairs, Friendships, and Jobs.
Sometimes we have happy endings, but most endings aren't happy. The one's I was thinking of were of the "Frodo-loses-a-finger-at Mount-Doom-While-getting-rid-of-that-fucking-ring" type. Not so much an end but a horrendous turning point. Things have always been messy and hard in my life in that regard. I really and truly hate saying goodbye. In the past I've tried to avoid it because I become a giant girl about it.
I still have fresh memories of openly weeping at BWI airport the last time I saw my ex. Being seached for bombs and box cutters while your face is covered in tears and snot isn't something you forget easily...
I guess you could see an ending as the beginning of something else?
Or maybe I just had BK one too many times for one lifetime.
Or, the bright light is actually a train coming.
D-
3:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I Yam What I Yam
Current mood: contemplative
I guess you could say I don't have an inflated sense of self worth.Which isn't to say I don't have a sense of self. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to be like everyone else.
As a kid I wasn't one of those people who could be easily labeled. Most people prefer the people around them as easily quantifiable. Predictable, not quirky, within general norms. He's a jock, he's a brain, she's a cheerleader, etc.
I wasn't nerdy enough to hang with the D & D crowd, I didn't like rap music so that crowd was out, I wasn't into heavy metal and didn't smoke so that was out.
In the social scale of high school I was a ghost. Most people know some people from high school. Most of the people I knew were military brats.
"Here To Go" as Warren Ellis once wrote.
I've always been social teflon, just never stuck. The thing that got me through unscathed in high school is the one thing that keeps people away.
I'm not easily pidgeon-holed, I'm not pocket-sized for easy consumption, I'm not Mr. Happy Go Lucky, I'm not 6 foot 2 and have 6 pack abs.
I'm weird, odd, quirky, neurotic, I worry too much, I stay up too late and wake up late in the afternoon, I beat myself up sometimes, I try to make everyone happy to my own detriment, I have trouble making eye contact. I try too hard.
I'm depressed sometimes too.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm me. Even though sometimes I wish I wasn't. I've found out the hard way no matter where you go, there you are. I'd like to think that one day I'll be content with that.
D-
2:53 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
She Scares Me
She scares me
In that way that threatens to tear asunder any vestiges of sane thought
She scares me
By provoking my heart to wonder if love is possible again
She scares me
My mind makes somersalts to make it fit into my reality
This is crazy
That I'm even thinking of telling her how I feel
This is crazy
That if I think about it nothing else matters
This is crazy
That I'd die for her if she wanted me to
She scares me
That she probably feels nothing for me
She scares me
That I'd probably ruin everything
She scares me
That I'd feel like a fool and start crying
This is crazy
That I need to do it anyway
This is crazy
I should run away like a coward if I had any sense
She scares me
That I'd never get the chance
She scares me
That it means so much to me
I'm scared and I'm lonely
And I hope against hope
That She Sees Me
The way I see her
D-
12:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 10, 2006
Panic Attack
Current mood: crushed
It comes on like a wave
It drowns my senses in screaching data-dense hail
The doubt and pain lance through me
My stomache churns and threatens to drop through the floor
You wonder if what you feel is a lie
You wonder if it all will end in a mangled car-wreck of insanity
You feel like a decaying corpse on a busy interstate
The activity around you drones on around you leaving you alone in a crowded room
You feel the porceline on the back of your teeth turn to dust
Your jaw aches from keeping your mouth shut to keep from screaming
No one else can hear it but you
The sweat start to trickle down your neck and gives you a violent chill
You become delirious and start to mumble and pace
"What if.....what if.....what if...."
All you want to do is fall and dissappear
Run and hide
Bash your skull in or puch a hole through the wall
You start to call yourself everything in the book
"You fucking bastard, sick freak, deluded asshole. I hate you. Pull it together!"
Somehow some air makes it past the tendons in your throat and your start to breath again
Your reality starts to invade the fog of your emotional storm
It seems like an eternity has past but you look at your watch and it's been only a few minutes.
You damn yourself for being so fucked up and need to sit down and focus on not vomiting.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Because it's probably me.
D-
7:34 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 09, 2006
It's my party....
Current mood: contemplative
Recently I decided I really needed a couple days off from work. The place has been getting to me lately so I picked up a couple of leave forms.
With the way they schedule us at work we have to ask for time off nearly a month ahead of time. It's a huge pain in the ass. So I tried to figure out when to take my time off using my handy dandy cellphone datebook.
I looked and saw that my birthday is next month, goddamn, that snuck up on me.
The last time I had a birthday party here I was probably 5 years old. I absolutely hated it. I had all these cousins and kids from school who I didn't know playing with my stuff. It was the first and last one I had here.
When I was living back east for the two years I was with my ex she threw me two birthday parties. There was cake and barbeque and music with all of her family and our room-mates. It was pretty cool.
Now I'm back here again. I feel the need to get piss-drunk and forget how tragic my life is right now. I have some friends here now. I'm just starting to feel a type of comfort here. Being the arranger of my own party smacks of the way my parents MO. They always put the pressure on me as to how I want to spend my birthday. I have to pick out my own presents. I just wish they thought they knew me well enough to suprise me. The way I figure it I don't want to stress out about it all. Birthdays shouldn't be about stress and counting pennys. Christmas is the same way.
But hey, if you don't do for yourself who will do it for you (as shitty as it makes you feel)?
Well anyway, I got the time off approved. 5 days away from my job to do, or, not do anythinng I want. I'm sure the place will go on fine without me.
I don't want to sound tragic or anything. It's just that I have this lousy habit of "hoping" for things. Ultimately when they don't happen I blame myself.
I always try to see the good in people even when they end up hurting me. Ignoring me. It's comical, people hurt me and I opologize for bleeding on them, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, it's late. Sleep awaits.
D-
2:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Lancing @ Windmills
Current mood: tired
I had that sick feeling at work again.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to change enough to have a decent life. God do I feel used up lately. And this hot weather is making it impossible to sleep. I hate just laying there and sweating.
I think I should maybe stop talking to people anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I've become a bad joke.
I had one goal as of late and I completely chickened out on it. God help me I tried but the words wouldn't form in my mouth. There was never the right moment. The moment in the movies when the music swells and it all comes together. Movies are just bad when it comes to the inner psyche relating to reality.
My own personal reality is starting to become overwelmed with heart ache. Sometimes I feel mad at myself for not knowing how to make it better. I'm beyond beating myself up, I fear I've become numb to it.
Even the simplest things I want have become Don Quiote style lancing at windmills. I've become my own bully taking my own luch money.
Part of me wants to belong, wants to connect with people. The other part sees all the clues in people's eyes and says to run away.
I wonder how people look at me, do I make them nervious, do they quickly look away. Does the conversation end abruptly when I have trouble with eye contact? At least cruelty is honest.
I wish I didn't care. That I could go through life and not care what anyone thinks. Maybe that's the definition of happiness is...
5:07 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, July 21, 2006
Villians
Current mood: melancholy
Depression is my nemesis
Doubt and Fear are my enemy
Self Loathing is my drunk co-pilot
Sleep escapes me
Waking up is my crime
Love heckles me from the balcony
Logic walks in the dark basement
People are the things that leave me
My heart is a rabid wolverine
She is the thing I want in my life
Life evades me because I'm not fast enough
Desire hangs it's head and sighs
Hope ticks by and leaves when the heart dies
Death twirls it's gun and smiles
God takes a taxi to the beach
The Devil flies a kite
I fall again
3:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, July 20, 2006
It's hard to say "oh well, okay"
Current mood: cranky
Okay, just so's there's no confusion, I know the spot on which I stand looks kinda grim. I'm 33 years old, I don't drive, I live in my parents house, and I work retail (not making a living wage I might add). Also I'm not the most socially adept person in the world. I'm not stupid, alright? I know people are snickering behind my back. If my life were a boxing movie it would be about who stands in the ring and beats himself up.
I'm not braindead, I get it. I'm majorly fucked in the head, or is it the heart? I'm constantly at war with myself. I have some moment of zen when whatever task at hand gives me an escape. I get tired, I get obnoxious, sometimes I feel like giving up, I get moody, I'm a walking set of contradictions.
God I wish I was still doing sculpture. Kneading the clay 'till my knuckles pop! It was fun, It was 3d and more abstract than painting or sketching...
But anyway, I wish I could say what I feel but I'm afraid to say it. I become a studdering idiot when it comes to things that matter to me.
Maybe I should check myself into the nervious hospital, learn to paint with my toes in a rubber room?
Or maybe get on high-powered anti-psychotics and have my testes drop off my body like ripe apples?
God, it's too hot to think in here....
D-
2:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
My Chest Is Ticking
Current mood: contemplative
It's funny, thought process vs. reality.
You could think about one thing for months, have it rolling around your subconsious for longer, worry, fret and ponder on it for hours. But once it leave your mouth in some form or another, just when all the amassed psychic energy hits the air, it could turn into nothing or worse.
It's the science of people. Cause and effect. Chaos Theory wearing sneakers.
It's one thing to have cold facts on a sheet of paper, it's another to have emotions mixed in. Emotion bridges the gaps in logic which is unfortunate.
But when it comes to people emotions are the most important thing followed not so closely by facts.
It maybe a beautiful day today by some people's standards but you feel like shit so it isn't so beautiful.
Id, ego, and super-ego. Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Spock tells you the odds are 200000.45 o 1 that the sun will turn nova in five minutes, McCoy reacts passionately and says "Holy Shit, Jim! Those people are going to die! " Kirk makes the choice between saving the planet below or getting the hell out of there.
When you talk to people about emotion it's like defusing an atomic bomb. Especially when it comes to love. Everything on paper might make it all impossible, but if it's there, it's like the duct-tape of the universe.
To paraphrase a comedian who's name I can't remember "if love can't fix it, it's broke."
But the thing about love is ther has to be two. If it's just one, then it's just energy untapped. Like a keg of beer rolled down a hill and left to sit. It probably made Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear or Edgar Allen Poe drink himself into oblivion in a gutter in Baltimore.
But the difference between fact and reality hinges on how people communicate. It's all just a mass of butterflies in your stomache until whatever cat gets let out of the bag.
Or at least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
If I can make it 'til my birthday alive I'll be lucky....
D-
2:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Blue Saturday
My day wasn't my day to be well.
After having been up 'til around 5am I awoke in a beaten daze around 1:20 pm. I remembered I had to walk to work today and knew I had to get on the road at 2:30. This gave me an hour to get my shit together, such as it was.
I had alot on my mind, some of which is unfortunately too private to talk of here. And believe me I'd love to let it out and let it skitter around like kittens on a lenoluim floor.
So, I showered and shaved, checked e-mail, threw on work clothes. Couldn't find my heartburn pills which pissed me off. Didn't have time to have anything decent to eat so I grabbed a couple cookies and a Coke and hit the road. It's at least a mile walk to work so I had to hurry.
I think it had something to do with the lack of sleep, the rush to get to work, and the general state of my mind. Some of it had to do with that thing I can't tell you about. I felt like I was going to throw up a couple hours after I started working. My mind was on a merry-go-round. I felt like just sitting down and crying and hope it would stop. I hadn't felt like this since before I'd started taking the pills my doc prescribed me. I shudder to think what it would have felt like if I hadn't taken them.
Eventually I managed to get ahold of myself and make it through the day. I truly hate being like this. Having my emotions converge on me like angry dogs. I wish I wasn't alone. Sometimes I just want someone to touch my face and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not a greedy man. I don't wish for the perfect life. I just want to feel content and feel some passion in my life.
Oh well, enough grumbling.
D-
12:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, July 14, 2006
Frodo, BWI, and Le Grande Morte
Current mood: contemplative
Something about today made me feel like something was going to end soon. It's that creeping shadow that settles in your heart.
In real life, unlike the movies, ending are less distinct unless someone croaks. That would be the end of someone. Le Grande Morte.But things in life end and we keep on going. Love affairs, Friendships, and Jobs.
Sometimes we have happy endings, but most endings aren't happy. The one's I was thinking of were of the "Frodo-loses-a-finger-at Mount-Doom-While-getting-rid-of-that-fucking-ring" type. Not so much an end but a horrendous turning point. Things have always been messy and hard in my life in that regard. I really and truly hate saying goodbye. In the past I've tried to avoid it because I become a giant girl about it.
I still have fresh memories of openly weeping at BWI airport the last time I saw my ex. Being seached for bombs and box cutters while your face is covered in tears and snot isn't something you forget easily...
I guess you could see an ending as the beginning of something else?
Or maybe I just had BK one too many times for one lifetime.
Or, the bright light is actually a train coming.
D-
3:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I Yam What I Yam
Current mood: contemplative
I guess you could say I don't have an inflated sense of self worth.Which isn't to say I don't have a sense of self. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to be like everyone else.
As a kid I wasn't one of those people who could be easily labeled. Most people prefer the people around them as easily quantifiable. Predictable, not quirky, within general norms. He's a jock, he's a brain, she's a cheerleader, etc.
I wasn't nerdy enough to hang with the D & D crowd, I didn't like rap music so that crowd was out, I wasn't into heavy metal and didn't smoke so that was out.
In the social scale of high school I was a ghost. Most people know some people from high school. Most of the people I knew were military brats.
"Here To Go" as Warren Ellis once wrote.
I've always been social teflon, just never stuck. The thing that got me through unscathed in high school is the one thing that keeps people away.
I'm not easily pidgeon-holed, I'm not pocket-sized for easy consumption, I'm not Mr. Happy Go Lucky, I'm not 6 foot 2 and have 6 pack abs.
I'm weird, odd, quirky, neurotic, I worry too much, I stay up too late and wake up late in the afternoon, I beat myself up sometimes, I try to make everyone happy to my own detriment, I have trouble making eye contact. I try too hard.
I'm depressed sometimes too.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm me. Even though sometimes I wish I wasn't. I've found out the hard way no matter where you go, there you are. I'd like to think that one day I'll be content with that.
D-
2:53 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
She Scares Me
She scares me
In that way that threatens to tear asunder any vestiges of sane thought
She scares me
By provoking my heart to wonder if love is possible again
She scares me
My mind makes somersalts to make it fit into my reality
This is crazy
That I'm even thinking of telling her how I feel
This is crazy
That if I think about it nothing else matters
This is crazy
That I'd die for her if she wanted me to
She scares me
That she probably feels nothing for me
She scares me
That I'd probably ruin everything
She scares me
That I'd feel like a fool and start crying
This is crazy
That I need to do it anyway
This is crazy
I should run away like a coward if I had any sense
She scares me
That I'd never get the chance
She scares me
That it means so much to me
I'm scared and I'm lonely
And I hope against hope
That She Sees Me
The way I see her
D-
12:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 10, 2006
Panic Attack
Current mood: crushed
It comes on like a wave
It drowns my senses in screaching data-dense hail
The doubt and pain lance through me
My stomache churns and threatens to drop through the floor
You wonder if what you feel is a lie
You wonder if it all will end in a mangled car-wreck of insanity
You feel like a decaying corpse on a busy interstate
The activity around you drones on around you leaving you alone in a crowded room
You feel the porceline on the back of your teeth turn to dust
Your jaw aches from keeping your mouth shut to keep from screaming
No one else can hear it but you
The sweat start to trickle down your neck and gives you a violent chill
You become delirious and start to mumble and pace
"What if.....what if.....what if...."
All you want to do is fall and dissappear
Run and hide
Bash your skull in or puch a hole through the wall
You start to call yourself everything in the book
"You fucking bastard, sick freak, deluded asshole. I hate you. Pull it together!"
Somehow some air makes it past the tendons in your throat and your start to breath again
Your reality starts to invade the fog of your emotional storm
It seems like an eternity has past but you look at your watch and it's been only a few minutes.
You damn yourself for being so fucked up and need to sit down and focus on not vomiting.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Because it's probably me.
D-
7:34 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 09, 2006
It's my party....
Current mood: contemplative
Recently I decided I really needed a couple days off from work. The place has been getting to me lately so I picked up a couple of leave forms.
With the way they schedule us at work we have to ask for time off nearly a month ahead of time. It's a huge pain in the ass. So I tried to figure out when to take my time off using my handy dandy cellphone datebook.
I looked and saw that my birthday is next month, goddamn, that snuck up on me.
The last time I had a birthday party here I was probably 5 years old. I absolutely hated it. I had all these cousins and kids from school who I didn't know playing with my stuff. It was the first and last one I had here.
When I was living back east for the two years I was with my ex she threw me two birthday parties. There was cake and barbeque and music with all of her family and our room-mates. It was pretty cool.
Now I'm back here again. I feel the need to get piss-drunk and forget how tragic my life is right now. I have some friends here now. I'm just starting to feel a type of comfort here. Being the arranger of my own party smacks of the way my parents MO. They always put the pressure on me as to how I want to spend my birthday. I have to pick out my own presents. I just wish they thought they knew me well enough to suprise me. The way I figure it I don't want to stress out about it all. Birthdays shouldn't be about stress and counting pennys. Christmas is the same way.
But hey, if you don't do for yourself who will do it for you (as shitty as it makes you feel)?
Well anyway, I got the time off approved. 5 days away from my job to do, or, not do anythinng I want. I'm sure the place will go on fine without me.
I don't want to sound tragic or anything. It's just that I have this lousy habit of "hoping" for things. Ultimately when they don't happen I blame myself.
I always try to see the good in people even when they end up hurting me. Ignoring me. It's comical, people hurt me and I opologize for bleeding on them, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, it's late. Sleep awaits.
D-
2:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Captain Emo
Current mood: blah
Back when I was in school I tried my best to be invisible. If I wasn't then I got picked on, pushed around, etc, et. al. Don't raise your hand in class, don't do anything unusual, keep your mouth shut. It didn't help things that I had the social skills of a scared cat. Needless to say I didn't date. I had one female friend in seniors english. She was dating a guy in the military at the time. She was nice to me. I had a mad crush on her and then after we graduated I didn't see her again.
Overall I dressed pretty normally, except when I wore an Indiana Jones hat ( I got the nick name "Indiana" for a bit, real original). I couldn't imagine going to school wearing eye liner, white pancake makup, and have my hair dyed black and hanging over one eye. Might as well have painted a bullseye on my back and put a blindfold on.
Although I do remember one kid who was into the Cure, he used to hang out in the drama classroom. Heh, big suprise.
I know it's all about self expression. Inner angst painted on the outside for the world to see. I admit it takes some guts to face that kind of ridicule and possible ass-beatings. I know I couldn't have taken that. But the thing is it never looks as good on you as it does on the people you're trying to emulate.
It's kind of like halloween costumes and people in the movies. Look at the way Christian Bale looks dressed as Batman in "Batman Returns". Then look at a normal guy dressed in a store bought Batman costume. Quite a bit of difference, no?
Those guys in AFI and My Chemical Romance have make-up artists and wardrobe that travel with them. Unless you want to invest alot of time and money into your "look" to make it look halfway decent I'd suggest just wearing a concert t-shirt from Hot Topic.
Oh yeah, you've seen those old pictures of your parents dressed in those weird clothes and even sporting a buffed up mullet? Imagine what your kids are going to see when you're older? The questions they'll ask!
But hey, at least you're not as pathetic as those white dudes with the gold teeth who think they're the next 50 cent.
Eyeliner washes out, stupid doesn't.
And besides, guys shouldn't wear make-up unless they're shooting a movie involving aliens or head trauma. Or if they're a practicing transvestite. Or a rockstar with lots of security, like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars.
But hey, to each his own. It's still a free country last I checked....
D-
1:08 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Quest For Fire
Current mood: tired
I guess I'm kind of a romantic. Even if I am a weird one. I don't really believe in marriage, I think that if two people love each other you shouldn't need a piece of paper to bind you. If you love someone you stay with that person through thick and thin. There are too many miserable married people in this world.
You see these lavish weddings on tv that cost buttloads of money. Hell, you could buy a house with the money they spend on the fucking dress the bride wears! And then a year or so later, dones-ville. Over!
If there's one thing I do believe in it's love. When love is involved anything is possible. It's the one drug you can't buy on the corner. It's the elusive gremlin hanging from the rafters. You can't hold it in your hand but you can Feel It. When you lose it you feel less than you were. Kind of like amputees that still feel their legs afterwards.
It's kind of like what the cavepeople thought of fire. You can't possess fire. You can find it, make it burn longer, build your world around it. If it goes away, since you're a caveman/woman, you hope lightning strikes again.
For some of us lightning strikes just the once. We all find ways to fill the voids in our lives.
I for one, hope it strikes me again someday. I would only hope that the fates aren't that cruel as to leave me alone for the rest of my life. If I have one hope in life, it's that someone will look at me with love in thier eyes again. There are people in my life I wish I knew better, even though I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. Sometimes I wonder if wanting that is too much to ask. That having someone like me around is too much of an imposition. Or maybe it's the self-loathing and paranioa from the depression talking.
Maybe I should put myself on the shelf and try again someplace else?
Whatever that means, it's late and I'm tired....
D-
1:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 03, 2006
0123
The reality of it all
Is slick like glass
I claw at the edges
Sliding like a cat
I just need something real
It's all just fog and noise
Without the emotion
2:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Post-Nasal Drip
Current mood: drained
My head feels like an over-ripe melon. This damn head cold has stuck to me like hot bubblegum for the last couple days. Today was also rather shitty because yesturday I didn't get to the pharmacy in time to get my meds. So, I was sans mood-improvers today. Put the two together and you have monkee-shit trail mix, fresh and hot, from my over inflated nasal cavity. MMMmmmmm.
I guess it wasn't all bad, I didn't have to play the team lead today. Also it didn't hurt that it was my favorite team lead working today either. It matters alot in retail who you work with on a daily basis. It seems the new faces are starting to outnumber the familiar ones. I'm just not sure how I fit in anymore.
Not that I fit in anywhere, really.
D-
12:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, June 30, 2006
when I go, don't you follow
You're the smoke signal from my heart
The crack of moonlight on my wall
That profound thought that escapes me
The sound of the waves crashing near the highway
That forgotten good dream upon waking
The thing that calms me when I can't sleep
The ragged hope that it might be better someday
Before it all slips away
You never call, you never write
But I can't get mad
It's the scant hope
The thought of the dream
The razor-thin 1 percentile
The post-continuity alternate reality
The fan written slash fiction
The unpublished what if story
That has me here
Wondering.
At 2:45 in the morning
D-
2:29 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The Joys of Being Awkward
Let me tell you something about my family. When I was growing up I was what you call a social outcast. When I was in elementary school I used to give my toys away to kids so they wouldn't kick my ass on the playground. I was nearsighted and didn't know it so I couldn't see them coming within a few feet either. I escaped into things I could see, books, tv, and movies. My parents were my best friends in most cases. My Mom in particular. I can safely say that without her in my life I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I would have ended it long ago. She is, and I've checked this out with the Vatican, truly a saint.
My Dad, grumpy old sod, doesn't like going to the movies. Either he complains about the prices or, as with the new theatre in town, the volume level. On the other hand my Mom loves going to the movies. We're not rich people so the family and I don't have the option to go on vacations. So the movies is one of the things she and I enjoy.
Since I've been working I pay for everything. Tickets, Popcorn, and soda. My ex used to make fun of me that "I took my Mom out on dates" when we still had a long distance relationship. I thought it was another cutting remark to make me feel bad. I dunno, maybe she was right in a way.
So anyway, I had been trying to get people I know from work and myspace to come see the movie with me. A few of you replied to me, which I want to thank you for. It really meant alot to me. I was really excited about this and wanted to share.Of course my Mom wanted to go since she loved the Christopher Reeve and George Reeve Superman stuff.
As it all unfolded, I got this gnawing feeling at the back of my head.
"What if they think I'm a momma's boy or something?"
We all like to think that we don't care about what people think of us. Maybe it all adds up to vanity in the end.
One of the things I related to in Superman Returns is he's really kind of a voyuer in some ways. He's the last of his kind. When he's plain old Clark, Lois wouldn't give him the time of day. Here he is sputtering to get a word in and she's walking away from him. When he's Superman everyone looks at him in awe and women want to mount him. He can only overhear from orbit what a normal life sounds like. The most powerful being on the planet just wants someone to look at while eating toast in the morning.
Well, I can relate to the Clark part anyway.
D-
2:21 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Superman Returns mini-review
Admittedly, I had my doubts about Superman Returns. When you see any comic book adaptation, and you yourself are a comic enthuiast, there are moments when it bursts into flames. Something doesn't ring true, doesn't feel right. Whatever joy you had about seeing your favorite character on the big screen evaporates into so many ashes. You want to stand in your chair and scream at the screen like Donald Sutherland in "Invasion of the Body-Snatchers".
Fantastic Four
Batman and Robin
Daredevil
...and on and on.
Superman Returns wraps you up in a big red blanket and you're 9 years old running around the house jumping off funiture. Sure if you were nit-picky like most geeks with a net connection you could point out problems with the film. This film made me feel good. Period.
It was big valentine to The Big Blue Boyscout. Brandon Routh is an inspired choice for the role. He had both strength and vulnerability as Clark/Superman adding alot of depth to a character that could have been played too broadly. Kevin Spacey made a very smart and cruel Lex Luthor (less cartoony than Gene Hackman). The cast was top notch overall.
The special effects were outstanding. Without giving anything away part of it choked me up. It was a great movie in my opinion. 2 thumbs up!
As for all the people on the web who have been acting like chicken little about all the "gay stuff" being smeared about the ether. Those people should grow the fuck up, and probably, shove it up their asses (they aparently aren't secure enough in their manhood anyway).
Everyone loves Superman in their own way and there's nothing wrong with that. Welcome back Kal-el, we missed you.
D-
10:39 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Everything is never going to be ok.
Work was pretty horrible today. The store is getting bigger, but the staff is getting smaller. I felt like I was going to be sick. There was supposed to be a bigwig coming in the morning. I had to be the "team leader" for my part of the store.
As Charlie Brown used to say "Good Grief".
The depression tends to get over on me when I'm under stress. I start to feel the futility of it all.
Someone once said that if you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome: you're a fool.
You can offer your hand in friendship but you can't make them take it.
Or is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
Loving someone and they not loving you is the loneliest feeling in the world.
People's ears really don't burn when you talk of them when they're not around.
Overhearing someone making plans on a night you asked them to do something and they said they had to work?
Priceless.
The lie is sometimes more heartbreaking than the truth.
Sometimes the option of running away keeps me here.
The flaws are what make beauty, perfection is dull.
Yeah, I put the p***y on a pedestal. I saw that movie too.
Even though I haven't believed in god for a while everytime I wake up I think "god help me make it through....".
You know, come to think of it, owner of a lonely heart IS much better than owner of a broken heart.
I fear I'm becomming like my dad.
I'm rambling.
D-
2:45 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, June 26, 2006
"Why are you so angry?"
There's someone at my work that has been asking me "What's wrong Daniel? Why are you so unhappy?". At that point I manage a smile and say "I'm okay." or something to that effect. I guess I'm not as self concious as I thought. I used to think I put up a decent enough poker-face, but I guess not. One person told me I looked "so serious" when I walked around work.
I guess it's another case of "perception = reality".
It's the depression, odviously. The new drug is helping it but I guess it's something else. I want to change my life but I just don't have the energy available. So I just keep going and it's wearing me down.
When I had someone to love I found that things were different. I could focus on her and making her happy. My problems got smaller. I wasn't alone. I got more sleep, had more fun, and sex is alot better when not done solo.
Being in love is life's anti-depressent.
Well, that's over and I don't see anyone in my life now stepping into that Oh So wanted role. I'm a decent enough guy, I think, when you get to know me. Weird, yes, very much so I guess. But are any of us truly normal?
Wait, don't answer that.....
D-
Currently watching :
The Venture Bros. - Season One
Release date: By 30 May, 2006
1:53 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
"go home and live with your pain"
at a party he was waiting
looking kind of spooky and withdrawn
like he could be underwater
the mighty mother with her hundred arms
swept all aside
i hate to walk behind other people's ambition
i saw you waiting
saint like
with your warning
leave alone
you don't belong here
he got nervous
started whistling
every thought a ricochet
did you notice?
well i wondered
what's the worst thing i could say?
and i froze up and sighed
you remind me of someones daughter
i forgot her
i forgot her name ashamed
go home and live with your pain
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
and when i go
don't you follow
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
slip out quiet
nobody's looking
leave alone
you don't belong here
"No Name #1" by Elliott Smith
Currently listening :
Roman Candle
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 14 July, 1995
1:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Captain Emo
Current mood: blah
Back when I was in school I tried my best to be invisible. If I wasn't then I got picked on, pushed around, etc, et. al. Don't raise your hand in class, don't do anything unusual, keep your mouth shut. It didn't help things that I had the social skills of a scared cat. Needless to say I didn't date. I had one female friend in seniors english. She was dating a guy in the military at the time. She was nice to me. I had a mad crush on her and then after we graduated I didn't see her again.
Overall I dressed pretty normally, except when I wore an Indiana Jones hat ( I got the nick name "Indiana" for a bit, real original). I couldn't imagine going to school wearing eye liner, white pancake makup, and have my hair dyed black and hanging over one eye. Might as well have painted a bullseye on my back and put a blindfold on.
Although I do remember one kid who was into the Cure, he used to hang out in the drama classroom. Heh, big suprise.
I know it's all about self expression. Inner angst painted on the outside for the world to see. I admit it takes some guts to face that kind of ridicule and possible ass-beatings. I know I couldn't have taken that. But the thing is it never looks as good on you as it does on the people you're trying to emulate.
It's kind of like halloween costumes and people in the movies. Look at the way Christian Bale looks dressed as Batman in "Batman Returns". Then look at a normal guy dressed in a store bought Batman costume. Quite a bit of difference, no?
Those guys in AFI and My Chemical Romance have make-up artists and wardrobe that travel with them. Unless you want to invest alot of time and money into your "look" to make it look halfway decent I'd suggest just wearing a concert t-shirt from Hot Topic.
Oh yeah, you've seen those old pictures of your parents dressed in those weird clothes and even sporting a buffed up mullet? Imagine what your kids are going to see when you're older? The questions they'll ask!
But hey, at least you're not as pathetic as those white dudes with the gold teeth who think they're the next 50 cent.
Eyeliner washes out, stupid doesn't.
And besides, guys shouldn't wear make-up unless they're shooting a movie involving aliens or head trauma. Or if they're a practicing transvestite. Or a rockstar with lots of security, like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars.
But hey, to each his own. It's still a free country last I checked....
D-
1:08 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Quest For Fire
Current mood: tired
I guess I'm kind of a romantic. Even if I am a weird one. I don't really believe in marriage, I think that if two people love each other you shouldn't need a piece of paper to bind you. If you love someone you stay with that person through thick and thin. There are too many miserable married people in this world.
You see these lavish weddings on tv that cost buttloads of money. Hell, you could buy a house with the money they spend on the fucking dress the bride wears! And then a year or so later, dones-ville. Over!
If there's one thing I do believe in it's love. When love is involved anything is possible. It's the one drug you can't buy on the corner. It's the elusive gremlin hanging from the rafters. You can't hold it in your hand but you can Feel It. When you lose it you feel less than you were. Kind of like amputees that still feel their legs afterwards.
It's kind of like what the cavepeople thought of fire. You can't possess fire. You can find it, make it burn longer, build your world around it. If it goes away, since you're a caveman/woman, you hope lightning strikes again.
For some of us lightning strikes just the once. We all find ways to fill the voids in our lives.
I for one, hope it strikes me again someday. I would only hope that the fates aren't that cruel as to leave me alone for the rest of my life. If I have one hope in life, it's that someone will look at me with love in thier eyes again. There are people in my life I wish I knew better, even though I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. Sometimes I wonder if wanting that is too much to ask. That having someone like me around is too much of an imposition. Or maybe it's the self-loathing and paranioa from the depression talking.
Maybe I should put myself on the shelf and try again someplace else?
Whatever that means, it's late and I'm tired....
D-
1:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 03, 2006
0123
The reality of it all
Is slick like glass
I claw at the edges
Sliding like a cat
I just need something real
It's all just fog and noise
Without the emotion
2:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Post-Nasal Drip
Current mood: drained
My head feels like an over-ripe melon. This damn head cold has stuck to me like hot bubblegum for the last couple days. Today was also rather shitty because yesturday I didn't get to the pharmacy in time to get my meds. So, I was sans mood-improvers today. Put the two together and you have monkee-shit trail mix, fresh and hot, from my over inflated nasal cavity. MMMmmmmm.
I guess it wasn't all bad, I didn't have to play the team lead today. Also it didn't hurt that it was my favorite team lead working today either. It matters alot in retail who you work with on a daily basis. It seems the new faces are starting to outnumber the familiar ones. I'm just not sure how I fit in anymore.
Not that I fit in anywhere, really.
D-
12:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, June 30, 2006
when I go, don't you follow
You're the smoke signal from my heart
The crack of moonlight on my wall
That profound thought that escapes me
The sound of the waves crashing near the highway
That forgotten good dream upon waking
The thing that calms me when I can't sleep
The ragged hope that it might be better someday
Before it all slips away
You never call, you never write
But I can't get mad
It's the scant hope
The thought of the dream
The razor-thin 1 percentile
The post-continuity alternate reality
The fan written slash fiction
The unpublished what if story
That has me here
Wondering.
At 2:45 in the morning
D-
2:29 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The Joys of Being Awkward
Let me tell you something about my family. When I was growing up I was what you call a social outcast. When I was in elementary school I used to give my toys away to kids so they wouldn't kick my ass on the playground. I was nearsighted and didn't know it so I couldn't see them coming within a few feet either. I escaped into things I could see, books, tv, and movies. My parents were my best friends in most cases. My Mom in particular. I can safely say that without her in my life I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I would have ended it long ago. She is, and I've checked this out with the Vatican, truly a saint.
My Dad, grumpy old sod, doesn't like going to the movies. Either he complains about the prices or, as with the new theatre in town, the volume level. On the other hand my Mom loves going to the movies. We're not rich people so the family and I don't have the option to go on vacations. So the movies is one of the things she and I enjoy.
Since I've been working I pay for everything. Tickets, Popcorn, and soda. My ex used to make fun of me that "I took my Mom out on dates" when we still had a long distance relationship. I thought it was another cutting remark to make me feel bad. I dunno, maybe she was right in a way.
So anyway, I had been trying to get people I know from work and myspace to come see the movie with me. A few of you replied to me, which I want to thank you for. It really meant alot to me. I was really excited about this and wanted to share.Of course my Mom wanted to go since she loved the Christopher Reeve and George Reeve Superman stuff.
As it all unfolded, I got this gnawing feeling at the back of my head.
"What if they think I'm a momma's boy or something?"
We all like to think that we don't care about what people think of us. Maybe it all adds up to vanity in the end.
One of the things I related to in Superman Returns is he's really kind of a voyuer in some ways. He's the last of his kind. When he's plain old Clark, Lois wouldn't give him the time of day. Here he is sputtering to get a word in and she's walking away from him. When he's Superman everyone looks at him in awe and women want to mount him. He can only overhear from orbit what a normal life sounds like. The most powerful being on the planet just wants someone to look at while eating toast in the morning.
Well, I can relate to the Clark part anyway.
D-
2:21 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Superman Returns mini-review
Admittedly, I had my doubts about Superman Returns. When you see any comic book adaptation, and you yourself are a comic enthuiast, there are moments when it bursts into flames. Something doesn't ring true, doesn't feel right. Whatever joy you had about seeing your favorite character on the big screen evaporates into so many ashes. You want to stand in your chair and scream at the screen like Donald Sutherland in "Invasion of the Body-Snatchers".
Fantastic Four
Batman and Robin
Daredevil
...and on and on.
Superman Returns wraps you up in a big red blanket and you're 9 years old running around the house jumping off funiture. Sure if you were nit-picky like most geeks with a net connection you could point out problems with the film. This film made me feel good. Period.
It was big valentine to The Big Blue Boyscout. Brandon Routh is an inspired choice for the role. He had both strength and vulnerability as Clark/Superman adding alot of depth to a character that could have been played too broadly. Kevin Spacey made a very smart and cruel Lex Luthor (less cartoony than Gene Hackman). The cast was top notch overall.
The special effects were outstanding. Without giving anything away part of it choked me up. It was a great movie in my opinion. 2 thumbs up!
As for all the people on the web who have been acting like chicken little about all the "gay stuff" being smeared about the ether. Those people should grow the fuck up, and probably, shove it up their asses (they aparently aren't secure enough in their manhood anyway).
Everyone loves Superman in their own way and there's nothing wrong with that. Welcome back Kal-el, we missed you.
D-
10:39 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Everything is never going to be ok.
Work was pretty horrible today. The store is getting bigger, but the staff is getting smaller. I felt like I was going to be sick. There was supposed to be a bigwig coming in the morning. I had to be the "team leader" for my part of the store.
As Charlie Brown used to say "Good Grief".
The depression tends to get over on me when I'm under stress. I start to feel the futility of it all.
Someone once said that if you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome: you're a fool.
You can offer your hand in friendship but you can't make them take it.
Or is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
Loving someone and they not loving you is the loneliest feeling in the world.
People's ears really don't burn when you talk of them when they're not around.
Overhearing someone making plans on a night you asked them to do something and they said they had to work?
Priceless.
The lie is sometimes more heartbreaking than the truth.
Sometimes the option of running away keeps me here.
The flaws are what make beauty, perfection is dull.
Yeah, I put the p***y on a pedestal. I saw that movie too.
Even though I haven't believed in god for a while everytime I wake up I think "god help me make it through....".
You know, come to think of it, owner of a lonely heart IS much better than owner of a broken heart.
I fear I'm becomming like my dad.
I'm rambling.
D-
2:45 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, June 26, 2006
"Why are you so angry?"
There's someone at my work that has been asking me "What's wrong Daniel? Why are you so unhappy?". At that point I manage a smile and say "I'm okay." or something to that effect. I guess I'm not as self concious as I thought. I used to think I put up a decent enough poker-face, but I guess not. One person told me I looked "so serious" when I walked around work.
I guess it's another case of "perception = reality".
It's the depression, odviously. The new drug is helping it but I guess it's something else. I want to change my life but I just don't have the energy available. So I just keep going and it's wearing me down.
When I had someone to love I found that things were different. I could focus on her and making her happy. My problems got smaller. I wasn't alone. I got more sleep, had more fun, and sex is alot better when not done solo.
Being in love is life's anti-depressent.
Well, that's over and I don't see anyone in my life now stepping into that Oh So wanted role. I'm a decent enough guy, I think, when you get to know me. Weird, yes, very much so I guess. But are any of us truly normal?
Wait, don't answer that.....
D-
Currently watching :
The Venture Bros. - Season One
Release date: By 30 May, 2006
1:53 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
"go home and live with your pain"
at a party he was waiting
looking kind of spooky and withdrawn
like he could be underwater
the mighty mother with her hundred arms
swept all aside
i hate to walk behind other people's ambition
i saw you waiting
saint like
with your warning
leave alone
you don't belong here
he got nervous
started whistling
every thought a ricochet
did you notice?
well i wondered
what's the worst thing i could say?
and i froze up and sighed
you remind me of someones daughter
i forgot her
i forgot her name ashamed
go home and live with your pain
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
and when i go
don't you follow
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
slip out quiet
nobody's looking
leave alone
you don't belong here
"No Name #1" by Elliott Smith
Currently listening :
Roman Candle
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 14 July, 1995
1:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, June 12, 2006
Don't Get Around Much Anymore...
Current mood: contemplative
Those of you who know me know I live at home with my parents. When I was living with my ex it was the first time I lived outside my hometown much less my home state. It was a culture shock times 12. Ask anyone who has lived on the east and west coast, people are different. For one thing, it's easier to find a english language FM radio station on the east coast than it is here. The part of Baltimore I lived could be described as a lower middle class town. White folks and black folks depending what block you went down. People there were generally friendly and were more likely talk to someone they didn't know. They would find any reason to have a cookout or a party. I went to more parties there than I ever did in CA.Which isn't saying alot since I can count on three fingers the parties I've been to here. One thing I will always remember about my ex's family, they went out of their way to make me feel like I belonged there. Hell, the first time I got drunk Ever was at party doing lemon shots with my ex's daughter. Sure they were a bit white trash fabulous (alot of Afro-Crackers: meaning white dudes who think they're 2 Pac and Nascar Dads) but dammit if they weren't friendly.
Waitresses called you Hun or Sweetie, I always got a kick out of that.
Which isn't to say that it was all fun, the summers were godawful. 90 degrees 100 percent humidity. Walking on icey sidewalks and waiting by a busstop wasn't too fun in the winter. The snow was pretty to see, though.
Having my heart broken into confetti wasn't the best way to end the first time on my own.The good, the bad, and the ugly. What's gone is gone.
I'm back here now, people here are the same as when I left. Everyone has something going on. Nobody has time to talk to the shy guy and get to know him. It's like everyone is in their own bubble of self interest....
But this is my home, I just have to learn to live here and somehow make it work again. I'm an alien no matter where I go.
D-
11:15 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Hopless Romance
Current mood: drained
My heart skips a beat
Like the old songs say
I feel that old feeling
Half giddy
Half terror
And I just want to
Kick my own ass
I wonder if she knows
How she effects me?
Or if she thinks I'm
"Differently-Abled"
Funny in the head
Of course she's so nice
About it or just
Ignores it
Maybe it's just my
Paranoia infested brain
I'm reasonably sure it doesn't cross
Her mind
That she's so beautiful to me
That it balls me up inside
That I would do anything
For her
Just to know her
Inside
I tell myself she doesn't want me
Like that
That's she's out of my league
Out of reach
I wish I could cut it out
Make it go away
File it in a drawer
Put it in a safe
Shoot it out of a cannon
Like H.S.T.
Give it a viking funeral
But in the end it's part of me
Hopless romantic
Or maybe just hopless
Another dream
Behind a sand dune
By the sea
1:20 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Wouldn't it be nice?
Current mood: contemplative
Sometimes I wonder
If I'm as bad as I think
If there's a fairly decent human
Sleeping in my bed
If it's all been a folly
Up inside my head
That's conspiring against me
That one day they'll say
"All is forgiven...
Go about your merry way"
And I'll be free of the prison
I inhabit today
That the sun will shine
All over my face
That a cool breeze will find me
That my feet will find their place
That life will open up
Like a flower in bloom
That people will find me
And say "welcome home!"
I won't find a doubt
Deep in my bones
The ice in my heart
Will break and bead
That I won't mind crying
They will be tears of joy
That the relief will be
Overwelming
Thoughts of death
Replaced with thoughts of
...Heaven?
Life would be good
The ground would be solid
It makes sense now
There is a reason
It was all a bad dream
It starts anew
Right this instance
Could it be?
Yer kiddnig me
Just like *snap*
That?
Wouldn't it be nice?
Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006
2:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
If you only knew
Current mood: artistic
If you only knew
How much I agonized over this
If you only knew
The depth of my feelings
If you only knew
What I could do if I knew
There there was a chance
That no obstacle would be
Insurmountable
If I knew
That life had some meaning
Beyond night and day
Day after day
That love was mine
That it was there
Staring back at me
That it was solid
Like a sword in my hand
That could kill my demons
And finally live again
That I knew it
That it was mine
If you only knew
How beautiful you are
If I could show you
If you could see it
Reflected in my eyes
And believe in me
And see me
And not just the...
Weirdness of my...
Manner
The shyness of my ways
It's hard to be so full of
Passion
And not be able to
Show it
If I must go on
Living alone
I might as well
Leave pieces of me
Behind
1:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
The Wrath of Blog
Current mood: cranky
The day pretty much sucked, the store is shifting around like an obsene cubist nightmare. Walls are coming down, transformation smells like chicken fried bowling balls and sounds like garbage trucks giving birth in a echo chamber. Retail box store designed by the Fisher King, as hairy and ugly as a wildabeast rutting with Robin Williams.
I was in electronics tonite, they want to call the counter "the bridge". All that's missing is the blood red lights, whooting sirens, and a ensign in a red shirt burned and crying for his momma.
"Ah, Kirk, my old friend. I would ask you how many mega-pixels this camera is!?"
"I......Don't-know...my...computer-is-smashed...."
The little white pill ain't no good for that, I need something that will make me a walking zombie. Unable to think for myself and can slave away for my corporate masters like a good little citizen. Make me smile that ricktus smile they want to much, for the good of the 'body'.
It is the will of Landru!
(google it, for I am old and eccentric)
I wish I could fake being happy, if i could fake that I could do just about anything. Sell ice to eskimos (global warming, y'see) even.
Mahalo,
D-
3:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, May 29, 2006
Ah, if only...
Current mood: annoyed
If only it were that easy
If it was like a passing feeling
That rare thunderstorm
That dollar you find in your pants pocket
You never knew you had
That chill you get walking past
The graveyard
The black cat crossing the road
In front of you
The cold you get as winter looms
Rare but familiar
But disconcerting
Nevertheless
Eat some vitamin c
Wear a coat and hat
Choose a different route
It's all in your head
Do You feel better now?
Why are you always so down all the time?
You need to look at the positive side!
Cheer up!
You're bumming everyone out!
It's not so bad.
We worry about you
We don't say it, but...
You know how it is
We can't help but notice
You shouldn't say anything about it
Keep it to yourself
We're your friends, well...
Not really
We're in your imminent
Domain!
(that didn't come out right...)
I don't know what to say.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
It's always darkest before down!
(that sounded cheesey...)
We're here for you!
(when it's socially convienient)
We're all so busy, y'know.
Life doesn't revolve around you
And your problems
Life goes on!
Like the old song.
Obla Dee Obla Dah
It's when life gives you lemon
Make lemonade!
Be a trooper
Be a man
Pull yourself up
By your bootstraps!
Life is a pagent
Get in line!
Follow the parade!
Cheer Up!
Life is grand!
It's your fault
If it's not for you.
Turn that frown
Upside down!
Be a sport.
Pretend to be happy!
Life is a stage
We are all merely players
(wait, Shakespeare said that....)
You get the idea
See ya around
10:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, May 28, 2006
6 things repost
I have found out several things:
1) I have to find the reason to make the pain of life worth living through.
2) It's all just become a march into nothingness without knowing that love, hope, and human kindness is within reach.
3) We seek out that which we do not have within ourselves in other people.
4) Sometimes hope comes from those who you least expect it to.
5) Being shy doesn't mean you're unobservant.
6) Cake is better when chocolate or coconut is involved.
Mahalo,
D-
3:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Bizzaroland
Current mood: contemplative
I was talking to someone on my friends list last night and she made a suggestion about my blog. That maybe I should talk about how I'd like things to be. Kind of like a "what if?" story. I said I'd give it a try.
A tale from BizzaroLand Dan.
I started my day around noon. I was up late putting the finishing touches on the art piece so it could be ready for the big unvieling in San Fransisco. It doesn't really matter if it gets sold or not since I don't need the money after winning the lottery a year ago. I live in a nice big home with my studio on the top floor. If I look out my window I can see the ocean.
I go to my computer and check my e-mail, my inbox is filled with e-mail from people coming to the party tonite. The season finale of Lost is on and I'm throwing a b-b-q. My freezer is full of steaks and chicken, beers and cokes for the small crowd arriving later.
The woman of my dreams is going to be here in a couple hours just in time to help me prepare everything. She was away on business and I'm dying to see her. She says she has a suprise for me, I hope it's as big as the one I have for her. Although I've been told you can't go wrong with diamonds.
I have just enough time to run over to the comic book shop to get my books. The place is well lit and puts Borders Books to shame but treats everyone like a small neighborhood shop. I stop at Carls for some to-go food just in case she's hungry when she gets home.
As I pull up I see her silver Mercades in the driveway. I pull up and she's taking her luggage out of the trunk. I run over and grab her and kiss her. She feels so good in my arms. After a moment (or three) I help her bring her stuff inside. Before I get a chance to kiss her again she says she badly needs a shower and I let her go.
I put my food and books on the kitchen table, and decide to wait to eat until she gets out. I go into my living room and flip on my huge flat screen tv.
I sit back and relax and think about how great my life is. I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. I have wonderful friends who care for me and ask me to do things with them all the time. I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me and I love her.
I have nothing to be unhappy about, life is good.
Thus ends a trip to Bizzaroland. Drive carefully and don't forget to tip your bartender.....
D-
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Monday, May 22, 2006
Colonel Lingus and the Empty Six-Gun
Current mood: aggravated
Here I go again. I thought I had found my salvation, but alas, nada.
It's like Sophie's Choice, okay maybe not. I've never seen the movie, but I've heard about it. Do you trade never having an O ever again for having a level head? Do you trade being relatively sane for sweating all day and being tired? The male ego is pretty tied up in the sexual readiness of his trowser snake. It's like a cowboy with his six-shooter empty with no ammunition at hand. So if the time comes that you have to throw down your hammer hits empty. To further stretch the analogy farther, I can't even have target practice. I've heard about woman who have never had an O and it boggles the mind. When I was with my ex I always gave her one. I made a point of it, I got good at it, I've got the scars on my tongue to prove it. I took pride in making her happy in bed, sometimes it meant more to me than my own pleasure. I loved her but in the end her financial situation meant more to her.
Now I'm back here where no-one will give me the time of day.
Ain't life spiffy?
D-
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Friday, May 19, 2006
The Good Thursday and Le Petit Mort
Current mood: drained
It was a busy Thursday, but it was one I could be proud of. I didn't make an idiot out of myself for once, which is nice. I worked hard, still don't know whether the sweat is from the badly ventilated store or from the meds. It's not like I'm dripping, but my forehead is warm. I am now my own science project.
I'm yawning yet my mind is still alert, it should be fun trying to get some sleep tonite. I'd "spank the monkey" and put him to bed, but it seems that the drug is effecting that.
If I was still with my ex she would be mad at me, thinking I don't find her sexy anymore because I didn't...um, Le Petit Mort. Now I only have myself to disapoint. Yippee.
D-
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Don't Get Around Much Anymore...
Current mood: contemplative
Those of you who know me know I live at home with my parents. When I was living with my ex it was the first time I lived outside my hometown much less my home state. It was a culture shock times 12. Ask anyone who has lived on the east and west coast, people are different. For one thing, it's easier to find a english language FM radio station on the east coast than it is here. The part of Baltimore I lived could be described as a lower middle class town. White folks and black folks depending what block you went down. People there were generally friendly and were more likely talk to someone they didn't know. They would find any reason to have a cookout or a party. I went to more parties there than I ever did in CA.Which isn't saying alot since I can count on three fingers the parties I've been to here. One thing I will always remember about my ex's family, they went out of their way to make me feel like I belonged there. Hell, the first time I got drunk Ever was at party doing lemon shots with my ex's daughter. Sure they were a bit white trash fabulous (alot of Afro-Crackers: meaning white dudes who think they're 2 Pac and Nascar Dads) but dammit if they weren't friendly.
Waitresses called you Hun or Sweetie, I always got a kick out of that.
Which isn't to say that it was all fun, the summers were godawful. 90 degrees 100 percent humidity. Walking on icey sidewalks and waiting by a busstop wasn't too fun in the winter. The snow was pretty to see, though.
Having my heart broken into confetti wasn't the best way to end the first time on my own.The good, the bad, and the ugly. What's gone is gone.
I'm back here now, people here are the same as when I left. Everyone has something going on. Nobody has time to talk to the shy guy and get to know him. It's like everyone is in their own bubble of self interest....
But this is my home, I just have to learn to live here and somehow make it work again. I'm an alien no matter where I go.
D-
11:15 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Hopless Romance
Current mood: drained
My heart skips a beat
Like the old songs say
I feel that old feeling
Half giddy
Half terror
And I just want to
Kick my own ass
I wonder if she knows
How she effects me?
Or if she thinks I'm
"Differently-Abled"
Funny in the head
Of course she's so nice
About it or just
Ignores it
Maybe it's just my
Paranoia infested brain
I'm reasonably sure it doesn't cross
Her mind
That she's so beautiful to me
That it balls me up inside
That I would do anything
For her
Just to know her
Inside
I tell myself she doesn't want me
Like that
That's she's out of my league
Out of reach
I wish I could cut it out
Make it go away
File it in a drawer
Put it in a safe
Shoot it out of a cannon
Like H.S.T.
Give it a viking funeral
But in the end it's part of me
Hopless romantic
Or maybe just hopless
Another dream
Behind a sand dune
By the sea
1:20 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Wouldn't it be nice?
Current mood: contemplative
Sometimes I wonder
If I'm as bad as I think
If there's a fairly decent human
Sleeping in my bed
If it's all been a folly
Up inside my head
That's conspiring against me
That one day they'll say
"All is forgiven...
Go about your merry way"
And I'll be free of the prison
I inhabit today
That the sun will shine
All over my face
That a cool breeze will find me
That my feet will find their place
That life will open up
Like a flower in bloom
That people will find me
And say "welcome home!"
I won't find a doubt
Deep in my bones
The ice in my heart
Will break and bead
That I won't mind crying
They will be tears of joy
That the relief will be
Overwelming
Thoughts of death
Replaced with thoughts of
...Heaven?
Life would be good
The ground would be solid
It makes sense now
There is a reason
It was all a bad dream
It starts anew
Right this instance
Could it be?
Yer kiddnig me
Just like *snap*
That?
Wouldn't it be nice?
Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006
2:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
If you only knew
Current mood: artistic
If you only knew
How much I agonized over this
If you only knew
The depth of my feelings
If you only knew
What I could do if I knew
There there was a chance
That no obstacle would be
Insurmountable
If I knew
That life had some meaning
Beyond night and day
Day after day
That love was mine
That it was there
Staring back at me
That it was solid
Like a sword in my hand
That could kill my demons
And finally live again
That I knew it
That it was mine
If you only knew
How beautiful you are
If I could show you
If you could see it
Reflected in my eyes
And believe in me
And see me
And not just the...
Weirdness of my...
Manner
The shyness of my ways
It's hard to be so full of
Passion
And not be able to
Show it
If I must go on
Living alone
I might as well
Leave pieces of me
Behind
1:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
The Wrath of Blog
Current mood: cranky
The day pretty much sucked, the store is shifting around like an obsene cubist nightmare. Walls are coming down, transformation smells like chicken fried bowling balls and sounds like garbage trucks giving birth in a echo chamber. Retail box store designed by the Fisher King, as hairy and ugly as a wildabeast rutting with Robin Williams.
I was in electronics tonite, they want to call the counter "the bridge". All that's missing is the blood red lights, whooting sirens, and a ensign in a red shirt burned and crying for his momma.
"Ah, Kirk, my old friend. I would ask you how many mega-pixels this camera is!?"
"I......Don't-know...my...computer-is-smashed...."
The little white pill ain't no good for that, I need something that will make me a walking zombie. Unable to think for myself and can slave away for my corporate masters like a good little citizen. Make me smile that ricktus smile they want to much, for the good of the 'body'.
It is the will of Landru!
(google it, for I am old and eccentric)
I wish I could fake being happy, if i could fake that I could do just about anything. Sell ice to eskimos (global warming, y'see) even.
Mahalo,
D-
3:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, May 29, 2006
Ah, if only...
Current mood: annoyed
If only it were that easy
If it was like a passing feeling
That rare thunderstorm
That dollar you find in your pants pocket
You never knew you had
That chill you get walking past
The graveyard
The black cat crossing the road
In front of you
The cold you get as winter looms
Rare but familiar
But disconcerting
Nevertheless
Eat some vitamin c
Wear a coat and hat
Choose a different route
It's all in your head
Do You feel better now?
Why are you always so down all the time?
You need to look at the positive side!
Cheer up!
You're bumming everyone out!
It's not so bad.
We worry about you
We don't say it, but...
You know how it is
We can't help but notice
You shouldn't say anything about it
Keep it to yourself
We're your friends, well...
Not really
We're in your imminent
Domain!
(that didn't come out right...)
I don't know what to say.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
It's always darkest before down!
(that sounded cheesey...)
We're here for you!
(when it's socially convienient)
We're all so busy, y'know.
Life doesn't revolve around you
And your problems
Life goes on!
Like the old song.
Obla Dee Obla Dah
It's when life gives you lemon
Make lemonade!
Be a trooper
Be a man
Pull yourself up
By your bootstraps!
Life is a pagent
Get in line!
Follow the parade!
Cheer Up!
Life is grand!
It's your fault
If it's not for you.
Turn that frown
Upside down!
Be a sport.
Pretend to be happy!
Life is a stage
We are all merely players
(wait, Shakespeare said that....)
You get the idea
See ya around
10:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, May 28, 2006
6 things repost
I have found out several things:
1) I have to find the reason to make the pain of life worth living through.
2) It's all just become a march into nothingness without knowing that love, hope, and human kindness is within reach.
3) We seek out that which we do not have within ourselves in other people.
4) Sometimes hope comes from those who you least expect it to.
5) Being shy doesn't mean you're unobservant.
6) Cake is better when chocolate or coconut is involved.
Mahalo,
D-
3:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Bizzaroland
Current mood: contemplative
I was talking to someone on my friends list last night and she made a suggestion about my blog. That maybe I should talk about how I'd like things to be. Kind of like a "what if?" story. I said I'd give it a try.
A tale from BizzaroLand Dan.
I started my day around noon. I was up late putting the finishing touches on the art piece so it could be ready for the big unvieling in San Fransisco. It doesn't really matter if it gets sold or not since I don't need the money after winning the lottery a year ago. I live in a nice big home with my studio on the top floor. If I look out my window I can see the ocean.
I go to my computer and check my e-mail, my inbox is filled with e-mail from people coming to the party tonite. The season finale of Lost is on and I'm throwing a b-b-q. My freezer is full of steaks and chicken, beers and cokes for the small crowd arriving later.
The woman of my dreams is going to be here in a couple hours just in time to help me prepare everything. She was away on business and I'm dying to see her. She says she has a suprise for me, I hope it's as big as the one I have for her. Although I've been told you can't go wrong with diamonds.
I have just enough time to run over to the comic book shop to get my books. The place is well lit and puts Borders Books to shame but treats everyone like a small neighborhood shop. I stop at Carls for some to-go food just in case she's hungry when she gets home.
As I pull up I see her silver Mercades in the driveway. I pull up and she's taking her luggage out of the trunk. I run over and grab her and kiss her. She feels so good in my arms. After a moment (or three) I help her bring her stuff inside. Before I get a chance to kiss her again she says she badly needs a shower and I let her go.
I put my food and books on the kitchen table, and decide to wait to eat until she gets out. I go into my living room and flip on my huge flat screen tv.
I sit back and relax and think about how great my life is. I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. I have wonderful friends who care for me and ask me to do things with them all the time. I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me and I love her.
I have nothing to be unhappy about, life is good.
Thus ends a trip to Bizzaroland. Drive carefully and don't forget to tip your bartender.....
D-
12:44 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, May 22, 2006
Colonel Lingus and the Empty Six-Gun
Current mood: aggravated
Here I go again. I thought I had found my salvation, but alas, nada.
It's like Sophie's Choice, okay maybe not. I've never seen the movie, but I've heard about it. Do you trade never having an O ever again for having a level head? Do you trade being relatively sane for sweating all day and being tired? The male ego is pretty tied up in the sexual readiness of his trowser snake. It's like a cowboy with his six-shooter empty with no ammunition at hand. So if the time comes that you have to throw down your hammer hits empty. To further stretch the analogy farther, I can't even have target practice. I've heard about woman who have never had an O and it boggles the mind. When I was with my ex I always gave her one. I made a point of it, I got good at it, I've got the scars on my tongue to prove it. I took pride in making her happy in bed, sometimes it meant more to me than my own pleasure. I loved her but in the end her financial situation meant more to her.
Now I'm back here where no-one will give me the time of day.
Ain't life spiffy?
D-
1:41 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, May 19, 2006
The Good Thursday and Le Petit Mort
Current mood: drained
It was a busy Thursday, but it was one I could be proud of. I didn't make an idiot out of myself for once, which is nice. I worked hard, still don't know whether the sweat is from the badly ventilated store or from the meds. It's not like I'm dripping, but my forehead is warm. I am now my own science project.
I'm yawning yet my mind is still alert, it should be fun trying to get some sleep tonite. I'd "spank the monkey" and put him to bed, but it seems that the drug is effecting that.
If I was still with my ex she would be mad at me, thinking I don't find her sexy anymore because I didn't...um, Le Petit Mort. Now I only have myself to disapoint. Yippee.
D-
1:47 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
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