Love songs of a doomed life

I have been floating in limbo as of late. I still haven't heard from my current employer about coming back from work. Some paperwork error or something else vile and mysterious. I spend most days sleeping (or at least attempting) 'til noon. Surfing the web for the news I care about and .jpgs of porn. Going for long walks to the bookstore to look at magazines and books I can't afford to buy. Watching the SF Giants suck they're way though 9 innings of pisspoor baseball hoping and praying to the sporting gods that Barry Bonds comes to save the day. Hell, I wish for the same thing too. I may be the only person who likes Barry Bonds. People only boo because the Giants are out of town. Their opinion means nothing. Fuck them.
I tell myself I need to be creative, even if it seems hopeless. My whole life seems hopeless as of late. The love is gone and sometimes I wonder if that was just a lie I told myself and was unfortunate enough to share with someone else.
I'm bone-dog tired, yet I always have trouble sleeping at night. It's too quiet and my mind comes alive to fill it with stuff. I can't sleep in the day because it's too noisy. Back on the east coast we had either the fan or the air on and the noise was loud and I got used to it. I would sleep hard because I had to. I got my mind in that zone. And it helped matters that I was getting laid. I would sleep even when the woman snored like a felled wildabeast, it was a tribute to my survival skills getting through the summer months there. The heat was unbearable.
I had a long rambling talk with a friend from the east coast on instant messenger the other night. We talked sports, and about old times. I tried to make with the funny haha to fill the scroll. I almost thought he might be an imposter. My ex lying in wake ready to scream at me for going to strip clubs behind her back with my friends at work. She hated the thought of me looking at any woman other that her, and would become a shrill harpy about any percieved or otherwise glances. I would become a neurotic mess about her hacker skills, she having used those skills to break into several of my e-mail accounts thinking me a web-lothario. God I hated her as much as I loved her sometimes.
I have one local friend I talk to since I've come home. Most people here have their head burrowed up their own asses and problems they have no time for people the likes of me. I'm not pretty or very witty in person and too damn shy to get laid. But this is nothing new.

Enough indulgence and self pity for one night,

D-