Wednesday, August 02, 2006


"My god Bones, what have I done...?"

"What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."

Kirk and McCoy from Star Trek III

Apparently I've shot myself in the foot.
Lemme Explain....
When I started writing this blog, or as I like to call it "online therapy". I've always been careful never to name names of the people I've been talking about.
And anyway, who really gives a shit about how I feel anyway?
It seems as though all the spewtum, stomache acid, bile, and all manner of gut juice I've been deposting here has spilled over into my waking life.
Namely: My Job
What I felt at work the other day is just the beginning I fear, now I have to survey the damage a whole lot faster than muthafuckin' FEMA.
One of you kind folks out there is a good enough detective to connect the lines
(yes, I'm being paranoid, but every good paranoid has to have some facts to back him up), and to those who have been paying attention, cheers.
I now have new drama in my life, which is something I did not want. I have enough drama between my thinning hairline and my Flintstone feet to last a thousand therapy visits.
But anyhoo....
I'm going to try to catch Miami Vice tonite. Rolling Stone gave it a pretty solid review and I'm a sucker for Michael Mann crime flicks.
Wish me luck,

D-

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A Whisper to a Scream
Current mood: bitchy

As I walked into work today I braced for the inevitable. Well, maybe not inevitable. It could have been just another day.
The place was busy with guests, and I looked over at food court and I saw ######## and ####. She was talking animatedly, I should have taken that as my first clue.
As I walked over to the office door there was a cluster of people I knew in front of the photo lab and then....I got "the look".
I wanted to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. It's that look that says "yes, we were talking about you and you didn't put the toilet seat down". The old "stank eye" if you will.
I said hello and they dispersed.
As I walked inside and clocked in my face got hot and my stomache felt like it was playing Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" way too fucking loud.
I came out and got my go-backs and still felt it all penning me in. I went back and started picking up in my dept. for the first time of the night. It felt like I was running a fever, my brain went into overdrive calculating all the "worst case senarios". I mean I even considered #### having me jumped before I came into work and smashing my face in. Having to stumble inside with my face looking like 12 miles of bad road and blood all over my red shirt. Or even getting fired, or even given some 25 cent nails and being put UP for the night. With a wreath left over from Christmas looped around my head for just for added irony.
It's not like I did anything bad, just maybe not the smartest thing in the world. It was something I could live with. If it not for the "social reprecussions" it could have been a sunny spot in my world.
That sound you hear in the distance isn't the sea, IT'S MY BITTER LAUGHTER.
After a while, when my curiosity finally got the better of me, I went to a reliable source who knows who's talking about who. The "Gossip Yoda" if you will. After some small talk she knew I had something specific to talk about.
"Do you know what people are saying about me?" I ask in barely held together dread.
"All I know is something about a letter and the recipient needing to talk to you about it." she said clearly seeing seeing the pain in my expression.
She knows, they know, every-FUCKING-one knows. Because...
My heart sank into my shoes. I felt ill.
Because ######## told them.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I took a breath, "No, but I'll talk to you later."
And that was the start of my day. I friend of mine came over to talk to me. His department was clear over on the other side of the store and just telling by his demeanor he knew something was up. Although to his credit he didn't say anything about it and I appreciated that.
I texted ######## during my lunch break to ask, tongue so firmly in my cheek it was protruding out of my cheek-bone, if she wanted to talk to me. She said yes, but later. I suggested tomorrow. She said maybe.
So there you have it.
The rest of the night actually wasn't too bad, we even got out of there a little early. If given my druthers I'd rather have... emotional conflagrations on a day off rather than at work.
Word to the wise children: when you put yourself out there emo, AND you want to keep it private, AND you have a suspicion you don't think the person will take it in the spirit it's delivered in.
Wear a helmet, dude.


D-


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Tuesday, August 01, 2006


The Tao of Daniel
Current mood: quixotic

Go forward
Face the day
Try to smile
(even if they knock your teeth in)
Control what you can
Ride out what you can't
Take the bump
Roll with it
Move away from your mistakes
('cause you'll make more later)
Rein in the impulse to slap stupid people
(even when they deserve it)
Suffer your own indictments
(eventually it gets tired and walks off)
Again, try to smile
(otherwise people think you're mad at them)
Help people when you can
(eventually it will come back to you....hahah, just kidding)
Laugh instead of cry
('cause laughing is easier to explain)
Always have a joke ready
(just in case you need to change the subject)
The best days and the worst days end eventually
(then there's tomorrow to deal with)

D-

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Monday, July 31, 2006


Nightmares Become Me
Current mood: depressed

The lies you project on the outside world
The imaginary scars in your chest
Is the reality the negative things that poison my mind
Or is it really the thought of a gun in mouth being comforting
I want to be high and stay there
The twisting mood swing tumbling back down that kills me
I look at my knife collection and wonder
Which one of these can cut it out of me?
Gut the Fear
Gut the Anger
Gut the Self Hate
I know this story
I've heard it a million times before
The holes in me with nothing to fill them with
My life left deflated on the floor
I'm too old and too diseased to help
I fear no-one can help me
Who am I anymore?
I just don't know
Is it the pain that defines me?
I pretend
I pretend everyday
They don't know me
It's probably for the best
I hate the me people don't see
And the one they see
I don't know whether to believe my perceptions anymore
It's all ghosts and shadows
Maybe I need to let it all go

D-

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Living The Suicide Life
Current mood: crushed

I feel about as low as a thin dime in the gutter right now. I don't know whether to fall asleep or cry. I'm having trouble keeping it together.
I either did something that might be thought of as very good or truly stupid. Right now I sure don't know which and it's all my fault.
It could blow up in my face or it could be nothing, I don't know which is worse.
What I thought as something huge in my life. I thought about it long and hard for months. It could become something good, or big and angry, or be nothing but a mouse fart.
I want to run and hide, I want someone to say it's okay....
I did this, I can't undo it, I just have to live with it.
My heart is on a string, is it a pinyata?
My heart is on my sleeve, it's dripping on my shoes.
My heart is in a box, I want to smash it.
I told someone I love them today.
I didn't have the nerve to say it aloud
I wrote it in a note
Like a fucking schoolboy
I was so nervious
I was creeping myself out
I considered venting my anger outside on a bench
Knowing me I'd break my hand
God, I'm an idiot
Sick in the head and heart
All I wanted was to lighten the load
I should have known better

D-

Currently listening :
Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
By Eels
Release date: By 26 April, 2005

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Sunday, July 30, 2006


It's not going away
Current mood: discontent

My beautiful sickness,
my ugly interior scars,
my dire longings,
my self inflicted wounds,
my diverted suicide runs,
my lost chances,
my morose visage,
never never never never never never never never.....
Maybe?
Stolen glances,
needful yearnings,
greedy scumbag feelings,
air sucking heart,
empty promises,
self told lies,
self deluded dreams of happiness.
God hates me because I'm a loser,
God helps those who help themselves,
Jesus loves you if you believe in him,
heaven opens to you if you repent.
How do you repent if you believe in nothing?
She's too young,
I'm too old,
she doesn't love me,
I love her transendant,
heart beats half way molded into a brick wall of pure nothingness,
fire is snuffed in a vacuum.
Why am I still alive?
We had a talk
We made a deal
(or at least I thought, it was one sided)
I offered consessions
Make me happy and I'll believe
Just take the pain away
Take the loneliness away
I'll believe
I promise
I'll believe anything
I have a will of steel
Open my eyes or shut them forever
I won't ask questions
I'll believe the fuzzy logic
I'll believe the lie
I'll hate the people you want
Even if it's not their fault
I'll believe your flaming sword is righteous
Just let me see the love
I'm starving with need
Even if my mind shrieks
I need hope
It's hard to walk
It's hard to see
It's hard to feel
It's hard not to feel
everything
I'm so tired
I'll cry and beg
Just don't let me fall

D-

Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006

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Saturday, July 29, 2006


The Outside In
Current mood: depressed

When you're a guy like me, you have to get your information in unusual ways.
You have to be a detective.
When you're not exactly Mr.or Ms. Popular in order to learn about the people around you have to be observe them. This isn't as hard as it seems, when you are on the outside looking in, people don't notice. You see their body language when they talk. Do they make eye contact when they talk to you?
And you have to listen and file everything away. When they talk to other people do they touch them. How do they stand? What's their posture?
When you're as self consious as I am it really comes in handy. You find out who to avoid and who wants you around.
I think this is why I hold grudges sometimes, because I notice these things more accutely. It's the small things. The things people don't notice.
The small sins that lay in our wake define us. What you don't say is just as important as what you don't. We see only that which we want to see.
I see beauty in people, even if I can't see it in myself. The bad things in life are more tolerable at long as they're honest.
The things that are harder to say are usually the most important.
I'm done for now.....

D-

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006


The Angel, The Loser and The Hitman : a short story

It starts like this.
I'm sitting in a diner. One of those retro ones that look the same since the '50s. I'm sitting in a boot with blood red naugahyde cushions. The ones that if you shift around make that farting sound. It has to be early because it feels like I haven't slept for days. It must be in Baltimore because the snow is falling outside like fluffy cornflakes.
I realize I feel cold and clammy. I feel the moisture gathering on the top of my head. I look down and the placemat has coupons all over it for local stores. I feel a shudder rise up from the small of my back.
I look up and realize I'm not alone.
An old man in a dark suit looks at me with dead gun-metal blue eyes. He had a cup of black coffee in front of him. Without looking down he tears open packs of sugar and dumps them into his coffee. 4 packets worth. He picks up his spoon and quietly swirls it around the scalping hot liquid.
He doesn't say a word as he coldly gazes at me as I squirm in my seat.
I pick up the napkin that was wrapped around my silverware and wipe my hands. My mouth suddenly feels dry and I sip from a galss of water put there by the waitress it seems like hours ago. I wonder if I ordered something.
Then, finally, he speaks.
"When you contacted me I didn't understand what it was you wanted. I still don't. Could you tell me what it is you want me to do?"
I clear my throat. "I was refered to you by people who said you did unusual jobs. To put it bluntly, you kill people."
My words hang in the air a moment. He pick up his mug and sips from it never taking his eyes off of me.
I continue, "I don't need you to kill someone, per se, I need you to kill something."
"As far as I know 'things' cannot be killed. Now, living things..." He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes "...that's another story."
"What if," I counter, " it's the feelings I have for someone? The impulse it be near them?"
"Are you talking about love?" he lights a cigarette with a chrome zippo with a skull and crossbones engraved on it. He inhales deeply and lets the smoke trail lazily from his nostrels.
"I guess you could say that. Except the person I feel that for doesn't feel that for me. Hell, I'm not even sure she likes me at all." Somehow saying the words, even to a total stranger, relieves some of the pent up tension.
The man's dark eyes soften slightly, then he laughs. "Have you thought about, gee I don't know, asking her? It's not that hard you know."
"You know many times I've told myself that?" I feel the frustration rise in my chest. I look down at the table and try to compose myself. The man in the dark suit cranes his head looking for the waitress to refill his coffee cup.
"Anyway.." I continue, "it's someone I work with. Plus she's involved with another person I work with. It makes things so damn hard having these feelings inside me under those circumstances. She's said that she likes me as a friend...."
The dark suited man groans and rolls his eyes as if reliving something from his past.
"Oh lord, kill me now..."
I manage a smile. "Happen to you too huh?"
"No fucking comment." He crushes his cig into the glass ashtray.
"It's a feeling I've gotten used to, y'know. Not being...wanted like that by women. Not that I blame them, mind you." Suddenly I'm tired, god I could eat something right now.
Pancakes, maybe.
"I've been shy all my life, and clinically depressed. People don't want to be around that type of person. I'm not exactly pretty either. Someone who has trouble with...interpersonal dynamics. I get nervious, god, do I get nervious. I don't even have a driver's license!"
"Sounds like you need a 'shrink' more than you need a hitman, chief.," the dark man grumbles.
I go on like I don't hear him.
"When you aren't considered boyfriend material by a lady, and still want to know them, you become a confidante. I've become a pretty good listener. I love women, even though they don't love me..."
"That's part of your problem, chief." he said pointing at me with his Pall Mall. "Men and women aren't supposed to be friends. It just doesn't work. Men will always want to have sex even if the woman doesn't want them. There will always be that tension. Well, unless they're gay."
"And I'm not gay," I counter.
"Yeah, I figured that out."
"The shit of it is I respect her. Yeah, she's beautiful, but she's smart, funny, and kind to everyone around her. She doesn't have that polished distain for people around her like some people I know. I know I could be a better person with someone like her in my life. I lost so much faith in the world in the past couple of years. I've been trying to be better. I'm even on medication. But I feel like I'm not a good enough reason to be better."
"I don't follow.." he says cocking an eyebrow.
"Y'know, I don't either," I nod my head ruefully. "Without something to work twards what's the point in being better? On the other hand..."
"That fucking waitress isn't getting a tip." The man is standing now looking around the deserted diner. "I should put a .45 slug in her ass on pure principal."
He sits down and straightens his tie. "Y'know, I could just kill her and save you some hand-wringing. But I don't 'do' women."
"No, I'd rather die myself than be responsible for that. Believe me it'd be a mercy killing putting out my lights."
"...I don't do assisted suicides either. That's something you're going to have to do yourself."
"I think I just need to kill these feelings I have for her. I've used up every logical arguement why I shouldn't feel this way and damn me...."
I realize my face is wet. The tears have become cold in the air and are dripping on the marbled formica tabletop. I wipe my face with the shredded napkin in my hand.
"It just won't leave me alone and it hurts."
The dark suited man runs a hand across his bald head. "I'm not sure I can do anything for you, chief. This isn't in my job description. I kill people, not....love."
I look down at my menu and notice the words are all jumbled up. That's odd.
"Somehow I knew that's what you were going to say."
I stand up and go to the glass doors and step through them. I look at the snow falling lazily to the ground outside. It's not cold, then it finally dawns on me.
I look behind me and the diner is gone. The man in the dark suit is gone. The snow stops.
I wake up in my bed, in California, covered in sweat. My blankets are tangled around me like linen snakes. I roll onto my back and try to loosen their hold on me.
I bring my hands to my face. Turns out only the tears were real.

D-



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Monday, July 24, 2006


"The Good,..." for a change
Current mood: contemplative

I guess I could be accused of focusing on the "The Bad, and the Ugly" when it comes to yours truly. As the scorpion said to the bullfrog: it's in my nature.
So, I've decided to think of things that are good about me. Or at least honorable, maybe admirable, or at least not pitiful. So here we go.

1. I could never, ever, be cruel to an animal. I think people who abuse animals are the scum of the earth. Even as a kid I never did anything like that. I don't even think I could dissect a dead one either.

2. There is no excuse in the world to raise your hand in anger to a woman. My ex GF made me so mad sometimes I could spit blood from my tear-ducts, but I could have never Ever hit her. I don't have that type of violence in me. Which is not to say that playful spanking can't be fun...*cough*

3. Making people laugh makes me feel good. You'd be suprised, after a long day of working with the public, crude and oddball jokes can really boost the moral of everyone around you. The brain reaches a level of atrophy when you work retail. The whole thing makes me punchy, and when I get punchy....nuff said.

4. When people ignore a e-mail, IM, or a text message I don't take it out on them. For example: There's this woman I know, I personally think the world of her. Yes, the whole globe. But she's only ever replied to a message from me once. Once. So she must be busy with a million other things in her life. Things that are so much more important than writing me back Either that or she thinks I'm just a creep and doesn't want to encourage me.
Oh kay, I'm getting off track here. Good things remember? Right..ok.
Moooving on!
5. I always have a greeting for the people I know. And I'll always say I'm fine, even if I'm not (people don't need the drama).

6. I'm a pretty decent shot. I've fired several types of firearms, mostly handguns. As someone once said "It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have one and need it".

7. I used to study art and drew for a long time. I can draw a decent portrait still.

8. I built my own computer not too long ago. It was a nerve-wracking process but I felt very proud I did it myself.

9. I'm a good listener, I think. There is too much talking and not enough listening in this world IMO.

10. Open the door for her, tell her she looks pretty, listen to her, pay for everything, make her feel special because all women are.

11. I always show respect:if it is given and if it isn't you can think "Asshole" and say "Sir".

12. I take a shower everyday whether I need it or not.

That's all I can think of right now. I guess it's not bad for a first try. I don't really take compliments very well anyway.

D-


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Sunday, July 23, 2006


No Title .1
Current mood: contemplative

I looked under the bed
I checked in my pants pockets
I swept through the corners of my room
I meandered by the doorway
I prodded underneath the covers
I flipped through my books
Browsed through my magazines
Looked out in the yard
Peered underneath the car
Beat the leaves from the bushes
Where did it go?
Everything is out of place
I must be going crazy
Was it ever there at all?
I wonder if I'll ever find it again
Maybe someone will
I don't feel right without it
Maybe what's gone is gone
What will people think of me
It's the headlight of my soul
The light is burning dim
Maybe I should tell them
I've lost my smile
Help me find it?

D-

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