Monday, June 12, 2006


Don't Get Around Much Anymore...
Current mood: contemplative

Those of you who know me know I live at home with my parents. When I was living with my ex it was the first time I lived outside my hometown much less my home state. It was a culture shock times 12. Ask anyone who has lived on the east and west coast, people are different. For one thing, it's easier to find a english language FM radio station on the east coast than it is here. The part of Baltimore I lived could be described as a lower middle class town. White folks and black folks depending what block you went down. People there were generally friendly and were more likely talk to someone they didn't know. They would find any reason to have a cookout or a party. I went to more parties there than I ever did in CA.Which isn't saying alot since I can count on three fingers the parties I've been to here. One thing I will always remember about my ex's family, they went out of their way to make me feel like I belonged there. Hell, the first time I got drunk Ever was at party doing lemon shots with my ex's daughter. Sure they were a bit white trash fabulous (alot of Afro-Crackers: meaning white dudes who think they're 2 Pac and Nascar Dads) but dammit if they weren't friendly.
Waitresses called you Hun or Sweetie, I always got a kick out of that.
Which isn't to say that it was all fun, the summers were godawful. 90 degrees 100 percent humidity. Walking on icey sidewalks and waiting by a busstop wasn't too fun in the winter. The snow was pretty to see, though.
Having my heart broken into confetti wasn't the best way to end the first time on my own.The good, the bad, and the ugly. What's gone is gone.
I'm back here now, people here are the same as when I left. Everyone has something going on. Nobody has time to talk to the shy guy and get to know him. It's like everyone is in their own bubble of self interest....
But this is my home, I just have to learn to live here and somehow make it work again. I'm an alien no matter where I go.

D-

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Saturday, June 10, 2006


Hopless Romance
Current mood: drained

My heart skips a beat
Like the old songs say
I feel that old feeling
Half giddy
Half terror
And I just want to
Kick my own ass
I wonder if she knows
How she effects me?
Or if she thinks I'm
"Differently-Abled"
Funny in the head
Of course she's so nice
About it or just
Ignores it
Maybe it's just my
Paranoia infested brain
I'm reasonably sure it doesn't cross
Her mind
That she's so beautiful to me
That it balls me up inside
That I would do anything
For her
Just to know her
Inside
I tell myself she doesn't want me
Like that
That's she's out of my league
Out of reach
I wish I could cut it out
Make it go away
File it in a drawer
Put it in a safe
Shoot it out of a cannon
Like H.S.T.
Give it a viking funeral
But in the end it's part of me
Hopless romantic
Or maybe just hopless
Another dream
Behind a sand dune
By the sea

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Thursday, June 08, 2006


Wouldn't it be nice?
Current mood: contemplative

Sometimes I wonder
If I'm as bad as I think
If there's a fairly decent human
Sleeping in my bed
If it's all been a folly
Up inside my head
That's conspiring against me
That one day they'll say
"All is forgiven...
Go about your merry way"
And I'll be free of the prison
I inhabit today
That the sun will shine
All over my face
That a cool breeze will find me
That my feet will find their place
That life will open up
Like a flower in bloom
That people will find me
And say "welcome home!"
I won't find a doubt
Deep in my bones
The ice in my heart
Will break and bead
That I won't mind crying
They will be tears of joy
That the relief will be
Overwelming
Thoughts of death
Replaced with thoughts of
...Heaven?
Life would be good
The ground would be solid
It makes sense now
There is a reason
It was all a bad dream
It starts anew
Right this instance
Could it be?
Yer kiddnig me
Just like *snap*
That?
Wouldn't it be nice?

Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006

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Wednesday, June 07, 2006


If you only knew
Current mood: artistic

If you only knew
How much I agonized over this
If you only knew
The depth of my feelings
If you only knew
What I could do if I knew
There there was a chance
That no obstacle would be
Insurmountable
If I knew
That life had some meaning
Beyond night and day
Day after day
That love was mine
That it was there
Staring back at me
That it was solid
Like a sword in my hand
That could kill my demons
And finally live again
That I knew it
That it was mine
If you only knew
How beautiful you are
If I could show you
If you could see it
Reflected in my eyes
And believe in me
And see me
And not just the...
Weirdness of my...
Manner
The shyness of my ways
It's hard to be so full of
Passion
And not be able to
Show it
If I must go on
Living alone
I might as well
Leave pieces of me
Behind

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006


The Wrath of Blog
Current mood: cranky

The day pretty much sucked, the store is shifting around like an obsene cubist nightmare. Walls are coming down, transformation smells like chicken fried bowling balls and sounds like garbage trucks giving birth in a echo chamber. Retail box store designed by the Fisher King, as hairy and ugly as a wildabeast rutting with Robin Williams.
I was in electronics tonite, they want to call the counter "the bridge". All that's missing is the blood red lights, whooting sirens, and a ensign in a red shirt burned and crying for his momma.
"Ah, Kirk, my old friend. I would ask you how many mega-pixels this camera is!?"
"I......Don't-know...my...computer-is-smashed...."
The little white pill ain't no good for that, I need something that will make me a walking zombie. Unable to think for myself and can slave away for my corporate masters like a good little citizen. Make me smile that ricktus smile they want to much, for the good of the 'body'.
It is the will of Landru!
(google it, for I am old and eccentric)
I wish I could fake being happy, if i could fake that I could do just about anything. Sell ice to eskimos (global warming, y'see) even.
Mahalo,

D-


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Monday, May 29, 2006


Ah, if only...
Current mood: annoyed

If only it were that easy
If it was like a passing feeling
That rare thunderstorm
That dollar you find in your pants pocket
You never knew you had
That chill you get walking past
The graveyard
The black cat crossing the road
In front of you
The cold you get as winter looms
Rare but familiar
But disconcerting
Nevertheless
Eat some vitamin c
Wear a coat and hat
Choose a different route
It's all in your head
Do You feel better now?
Why are you always so down all the time?
You need to look at the positive side!
Cheer up!
You're bumming everyone out!
It's not so bad.
We worry about you
We don't say it, but...
You know how it is
We can't help but notice
You shouldn't say anything about it
Keep it to yourself
We're your friends, well...
Not really
We're in your imminent
Domain!
(that didn't come out right...)
I don't know what to say.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
It's always darkest before down!
(that sounded cheesey...)
We're here for you!
(when it's socially convienient)
We're all so busy, y'know.
Life doesn't revolve around you
And your problems
Life goes on!
Like the old song.
Obla Dee Obla Dah
It's when life gives you lemon
Make lemonade!
Be a trooper
Be a man
Pull yourself up
By your bootstraps!
Life is a pagent
Get in line!
Follow the parade!
Cheer Up!
Life is grand!
It's your fault
If it's not for you.
Turn that frown
Upside down!
Be a sport.
Pretend to be happy!
Life is a stage
We are all merely players
(wait, Shakespeare said that....)
You get the idea
See ya around


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Sunday, May 28, 2006


6 things repost

I have found out several things:

1) I have to find the reason to make the pain of life worth living through.

2) It's all just become a march into nothingness without knowing that love, hope, and human kindness is within reach.

3) We seek out that which we do not have within ourselves in other people.

4) Sometimes hope comes from those who you least expect it to.

5) Being shy doesn't mean you're unobservant.

6) Cake is better when chocolate or coconut is involved.

Mahalo,

D-

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Thursday, May 25, 2006


Bizzaroland
Current mood: contemplative

I was talking to someone on my friends list last night and she made a suggestion about my blog. That maybe I should talk about how I'd like things to be. Kind of like a "what if?" story. I said I'd give it a try.
A tale from BizzaroLand Dan.
I started my day around noon. I was up late putting the finishing touches on the art piece so it could be ready for the big unvieling in San Fransisco. It doesn't really matter if it gets sold or not since I don't need the money after winning the lottery a year ago. I live in a nice big home with my studio on the top floor. If I look out my window I can see the ocean.
I go to my computer and check my e-mail, my inbox is filled with e-mail from people coming to the party tonite. The season finale of Lost is on and I'm throwing a b-b-q. My freezer is full of steaks and chicken, beers and cokes for the small crowd arriving later.
The woman of my dreams is going to be here in a couple hours just in time to help me prepare everything. She was away on business and I'm dying to see her. She says she has a suprise for me, I hope it's as big as the one I have for her. Although I've been told you can't go wrong with diamonds.
I have just enough time to run over to the comic book shop to get my books. The place is well lit and puts Borders Books to shame but treats everyone like a small neighborhood shop. I stop at Carls for some to-go food just in case she's hungry when she gets home.
As I pull up I see her silver Mercades in the driveway. I pull up and she's taking her luggage out of the trunk. I run over and grab her and kiss her. She feels so good in my arms. After a moment (or three) I help her bring her stuff inside. Before I get a chance to kiss her again she says she badly needs a shower and I let her go.
I put my food and books on the kitchen table, and decide to wait to eat until she gets out. I go into my living room and flip on my huge flat screen tv.
I sit back and relax and think about how great my life is. I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. I have wonderful friends who care for me and ask me to do things with them all the time. I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me and I love her.
I have nothing to be unhappy about, life is good.
Thus ends a trip to Bizzaroland. Drive carefully and don't forget to tip your bartender.....

D-

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Monday, May 22, 2006


Colonel Lingus and the Empty Six-Gun
Current mood: aggravated

Here I go again. I thought I had found my salvation, but alas, nada.
It's like Sophie's Choice, okay maybe not. I've never seen the movie, but I've heard about it. Do you trade never having an O ever again for having a level head? Do you trade being relatively sane for sweating all day and being tired? The male ego is pretty tied up in the sexual readiness of his trowser snake. It's like a cowboy with his six-shooter empty with no ammunition at hand. So if the time comes that you have to throw down your hammer hits empty. To further stretch the analogy farther, I can't even have target practice. I've heard about woman who have never had an O and it boggles the mind. When I was with my ex I always gave her one. I made a point of it, I got good at it, I've got the scars on my tongue to prove it. I took pride in making her happy in bed, sometimes it meant more to me than my own pleasure. I loved her but in the end her financial situation meant more to her.
Now I'm back here where no-one will give me the time of day.
Ain't life spiffy?

D-

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Friday, May 19, 2006


The Good Thursday and Le Petit Mort
Current mood: drained

It was a busy Thursday, but it was one I could be proud of. I didn't make an idiot out of myself for once, which is nice. I worked hard, still don't know whether the sweat is from the badly ventilated store or from the meds. It's not like I'm dripping, but my forehead is warm. I am now my own science project.
I'm yawning yet my mind is still alert, it should be fun trying to get some sleep tonite. I'd "spank the monkey" and put him to bed, but it seems that the drug is effecting that.
If I was still with my ex she would be mad at me, thinking I don't find her sexy anymore because I didn't...um, Le Petit Mort. Now I only have myself to disapoint. Yippee.

D-

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