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Friday, May 05, 2006


It Won't Be Me
Current mood: melancholy

I collect them like cards
Like unattained dreams
In my back pocket
A thick deck of cards
Of only queens
They're all my crushes.
I thumb through them
With the utmost care
Beautiful ladies all
Sadness like papercuts
Crosshatch over my fingers
I blame myself for not having
The guts or the pride
To tell them how I feel
I'm not really much
Or feel that I'm not
Not really good enough
To be the king to their
Queen
Not tall
Not confident
Not charming
Just me
And my big ol'heart
That hurts when I breath
When she walks in the room
With that other guy
He'll see the twinkle in her eye
When she smiles that shy smile
Sweet face alight
He'll break her heart
In ways I couldn't think
I'll ask why
It hurts me too
Maybe it's best
That I love from afar
Shuffle my cards and say
It won't be me

Currently listening :
Heartbreaker
By Ryan Adams
Release date: By 05 September, 2000

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Thursday, May 04, 2006


3:39am

I went hunting for a doctor tonite.
"Hmm, let's see...who should be the one I tell my tale of woe to?"
Names, where they went to college, hospital affiliated?
"Doc, I have a case if the EeeOars, give me pills please"
Damn, I should be sleeping. I just know that when my head hits the pillow it's like I can't grasp the sleep.
Makes no sense.
Hah, no-one reads this shit so who cares?

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006


2:35 am
Current mood: melancholy

When it gets dark and I'm alone
My thoughts tend to gang up on me
When others are counting sheep
I'm counting the mistakes I've made
The people I've let down or hurt
I hate myself for drawing breath
My demons sometimes win.
They know just how to hurt me I fear
I try so hard and it never makes a difference
I just end up alone
Guilty of being me
It seems like waking up
Is not doing anyone any good
I'm just wasting time
When I should be wasting away
I need to go to a doctor
Have him give me pills
Something to take the pain away
From being undesirable
I could try getting out more
Going it alone into the night
Watch people get wasted from a dark corner
I don't even like the taste of beer that much
I just want something with some dignity
Something I don't have to beg for
The freedom of the love in someone's eyes
A warm touch
I'm dreaming aloud again
I shouldn't torture myself
With things I can't have
It's too easy
I do that too much
Life is wearing me down
I've never been young it feels
Now I'm getting old
It's like wearing a heavy coat on my soul
I wonder if I bled would it just be
The poison that pumps from my brain
Would it be red or black like the sky?
As the dark night drones by
Like a lonely train through my heart
I just want to tell everyone
I'm sorry for bothering you
Goodnight

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Friday, April 28, 2006


invisible things
Current mood: melancholy

when you are a child
you can believe in invisible things
because you don't know any better
planes fly you don't know why
they just do
adults tell you things
that are not true
beautiful lies to hold onto
many years pass by
and you think you know what's going on
childish things have passed you by
for the most part
but one thing still lingers
when i was in pain
i reached out for it
the invisible man behind the door
crushing pain stirrs in your heart
you cry out "help me, my heart is breaking"
you feel the blood pool in your shoes
stars flash behind your eyes
you wait......
nothing
Days pass, a mantra silently drones
"please help me, it's dying"
something twists in your brain
makes you gasp
"help me please, i don't know what to do!"
the things they told you as a child
becomes bitter in your mouth as
are the tears streaming down your face
"i'll beg, just please say something"
"they told me you loved me. they told me you loved everyone"
still no answer
something snaps in your soul
the real world intrudes
a dark road in baltimore
my soon to be ex girlfriend panics when she sees me burst into tears
she parks along the side of the snowy road
i can't talk, it feels like i'm drowning
the snow falls from the sky like ashes
a week later i'm back in my little room
and the other side of the country
living with my failures
and making new ones
trying to make the broken
pieces fit

Currently listening :
from a basement on the hill
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 19 October, 2004

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Thursday, April 27, 2006


"i never meant to hurt you"
Current mood: depressed

"i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are
i got a joke i been dying to tell you
a silent kid is looking down the barrel
to make the noise that i kept so quiet
i kept it from you, pitseleh
i'm not what's missing from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
they say that god makes problems
just to see what you can stand
before you do as the devil pleases
and give up the thing you love
but no one deserves it
the first time i saw you i knew it would never last
i'm not half what i wish i was
i'm so angry
i don't think it'll ever pass
and i was bad news for you just because
i never meant to hurt you"

"Pitseleh" by Elliott Smith

Currently listening :
XO
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 25 August, 1998

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Monday, April 17, 2006


Kong Overlong

Got to see King Kong tonite. It had been sitting on my shelf for a few weeks since I had bought it (I popped for the two-disc edition).
Saw it with the parents since I had day off for Easter.
Don't get me wrong, this movie had some truly cool moments. Seeing vintage New York get smashed to bits by big monkey, T-Rex's getting smashed by big monkey. Some of the dino action recalled Jurassic Park (although the big "running from the vege-sauruses" scene was kinda cheezy). The big effing bugs made me squirm.
The bad? This basically stems from seeing the story before. We know what's going to happen. The story seemed to drag on, hovering over every detail of the story, that by the time "the money shot" on the empire state building happens we're "eh" about it.
Jack Black is a funny guy, this could have used a few laughs.
Peter Jackson could have hacked an hour, maybe 45 minutes off and this would have been better IMO
Not a bad film, though.

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Saturday, April 15, 2006


little joke

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. ..He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Made my cold cynical heart snicker...

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Perception = Reality

Let's jump into this right away shall we?
I was informed from a source that shall remain namesless that some of my co-workers have been talking about me behind my back. While this is not suprising because when you work with people for any extended time you come to realize that even in a big store rumors run corner to corner faster than the bird flu.
People talk smack, inevitable.
My workplace had come a home away from home for me. I had finally become comfortable after being away for 2 years. I had begun to open up and relax. Little did I know that some had not liked what they had seen.
To be blunt, I'm bit on the odd side. My sense of humor is weird I grant you. Maybe a bit edgy, I don't know. I have been a shy person for my entire life. Some of that is part and parcel of my problems with people. I tend to try too hard to overcome my shyness and maybe it comes off a bit overbearing. I'm not perfect and never will be.
But anyway, let me digress.
The last couple of days have been pretty hard on me. This was the cherry on top. Since last Christmas I had been making mix cds and giving them out. I had been an artist for a good part of my life and it felt good to be creative again. I liked giving people gifts. Chunks of culture. I gave them out to people I liked, mostly women. Why? Because guys always feel uncomfortable giving and recieving gifts from other guys. I thought if I could engender some good will with some of the female population (after breaking up with my ex still fresh in my mind) why not?
After the holidays I still made them because I liked doing it. It wasn't so expensive that it would hurt my pocket book either.
So, I find out today that me giving a few people some music AND my odd sense of humor...
"CREEPED THEM OUT" that I was "CREEPY"
Weird I could take. Hell I'd wear it on a tee-shirt. But....Creepy?
If I had any self esteem left it would be in the shitter.
Said un-named source started to tell me about perception equaling reality. That if people thought it IT becomes the truth.
A thought crossed my mind : have I become Michael Jackson?
Someone who has become so entrenched in his own world that he doesn't see what other people see? Howard Hughes becoming a vampire wearing tissue boxes on his feet. Odd geek who goes into electonic stores knowing everything about the cameras and quizing the clerks to make himself feel smarter. Someone lost in their own psychic mess.
From what I infer from what he or she said it's people who I work with on a regular basis. This also hurts.
Let me tell you something about myself and believe me this is no boast.
I'm just a really nice guy who wouldn't hurt a soul under all the weirdness. I would give you the shirt off my back if you were cold. I'm a good listener and don't mind being up 'til 3am on a work night talking about your problems. I like to make people laugh. If I plan to do something with you I'm there "with bells on" because I know what it's like to be ditched or forgotten. I like doing things for people I like because it makes me feel good.
In conclusion:
- If it's anyone here that I've made feel weird, I'm sorry.
- If you've recieved a mix cd from me, keep it. It's now a collectors item. I'm not making anymore.
- Perception only equals Reality when people refuse to look any deeper than the surface. Everyone is so lazy that they put a tag on people and file them away.
- If you know the person who called me CREEPY, tell them to bite my furry, white, freshly showered buttox. 'Cause they don't know me.



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Sunday, April 09, 2006


Crushing me

It all goes wrong
When it leaves my mouth
I go blisteringly dumb
I can't communicate
Bumbling Idiot!
Is it Love?
It can't be?
There has to be two
She doesn't even "know" me
Is it just my illness
Haunting me
Woulda Coulda Shoulda
Nada
Does she even think of me?
It shouldn't be this hard
I thought I learned something.
Like a baseball caught in my throat
The emotion and need sits
Wanting to be expelled.
Is it just trouble ahead?
Will it turn horribly wrong?
I can't deny the way she makes me feel
When she smiles.
Love will be the death of me.
Just make it quick.
It's never been quick pain.
Heaven or Hell?
Stay or Go?
Just please let me know.
Yes or No.
Idiot! Fool!
Let me out here
This is my stop
Why me?

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Saturday, April 08, 2006


Stupidity Tries

I try to act happy
I lie to everyone I meet
No one wants the drama
Everyone is fine
Everyone cares
I want to scream
Lies!
Don't be nice if it's not in you
Don't smile if you don't mean it
I'm sick as shit at all of it
I get along to go along
I do the best I can
When all I want to do is lay down and die
Please don't placate me with gentle lies
Tell me where you stand
Don't leave me standing in the cold alone
I've had it
I'm done

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