Monday, August 21, 2006


anti-social behavior
Current mood: depressed

I have to learn how not to care
I have to learn to blind my soul
I have to learn to be alone
I have to let go of the need
I have to finally lose faith in people
I have to stop the yearning
I need to give up
I need to stop caring what people think of me
I need to get over the concept of relationships
I need to put my heart in a box
I need to hide my soul away
I need to stop wanting things I can't have
I need to stop thinking things will change
I want to stop thinking that it will make a difference
I know I don't have the answers
I need to stop seeing beauty in this world
I need to stop feeling the pain
This feels too much like dying
I don't want to be alone

D-

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Half a Lie, Quarter Truth

It's been one hell of a weekend.
Work has been shitty. I've been doing alot more cashiering than my actual job because they've been cutting hours. I've been back and forth so many times in that store I could have walked to Idaho. Anyway, so I was ringing people up and this one guest (we have to call them guests) wasn't convinced that I was "fine" when I said I was. He thought I sounded a "little down".
Yes, Dr. Freud, may I make you some tea and would you like a cigar?
While I appreciated the guest's sentiment I don't really discuss my feelings other than rare occasions at work.
In other words, I end up lying alot. I don't like lying. It just isn't in my character. But, telling the truth about how I'm feeling can be problematic. Call it a "soft lie".
Let's say someone asked me how I'm doing and I said : "I'm really tired because I had trouble sleeping. I've been really depressed and my meds aren't working. My job is becoming more and more like high school with cliques, back stabbing, and I'm still the guy who can't fit in. I haven't had sex in coming up on 2 years and can't find a woman who won't look at me with anything but revulsion."
"But other than that, I'm okay."
See, that just won't work in polite conversation. I say "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" and things go smoothly. People go on their merry way and so do I. It's polite to lie about how you feel. You're doing people a favor.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
This is of the few places where I tell you just how I feel. I may say things here and it's the truth, but at work I'll tell people the soft lie. So, please don't be offended. If there is something you want to talk about that I wrote about here just let me know.

D-

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Sunday, August 20, 2006


Hamlet's Curse
Current mood: disappointed

Life can be like a cheap horror movie sometimes. When I mean horror it isn't Freddy Kruger or Jason Vorhees jumping down onto two teens screwing in the forrest. It's the common and casual inhumanities that people do to each other.
One of the many (and varied) things I could change about myself is that I wish that I could make it harder for people to treat me like shit.
Okay, that maybe a bit strong but essentially accurate.
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of people. Or maybe too little depending upon your point of view. I admit I'm not the easiest pill to swallow but I'm not a roaring asshole either. I'm clinically depressed for fuck's sake.
Do you blame a guy with one leg for limping?
Okay, maybe I don't wear a t-shirt that says "I went to the doctor's office to get anti-depressents and all I got was this t-shirt" but anyone who's read this blog knows. All 10 of you today.
Okay, I'm a bit paranoid tonite. One of my friends on here deleted me without warning, someone I work with on a regular basis. I noticed it a few days ago but didn't know who until last night. As far as I know I haven't had any problems with this person. Hell, ##### was just at my birthday drink-up last week. At work I found out ##### was having a party tonite.
I don't believe in coincidence.
So I guess I wasn't invited huh?
Behind every smile deception lies in wait. The human heart is full of untold horrors and spite. Work retail long enough you will see colors of all of it.
Disappointment is harder to get over than anger. Disappointment is seeing the potential and having it crumble. People disappoint me
I'm babbling again, time to go.

D-

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Saturday, August 19, 2006


The Question
Current mood: cranky

What's the secret?
How do I unlock it?
Is it something I have to buy?
Is it something I just stumble over?
My mind rolls it over and over.
Do I have to submit?
Does it have to break my will?
Do I have to fall all the way down?
Will it find me at the bottom?
Or is it at the top?
(where ever that is)
If no one will give me it
How can I have it?
How long must I wait?
Is it in the waiting that it's achieved?
( I've already waited too long)
Maybe after I've died
(if there's an afterlife)
Will I find it there?
I'm so tired
Does it get any easier?
What do I have to lose?
This has to stop

D-

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