Thursday, July 06, 2006


Captain Emo
Current mood: blah

Back when I was in school I tried my best to be invisible. If I wasn't then I got picked on, pushed around, etc, et. al. Don't raise your hand in class, don't do anything unusual, keep your mouth shut. It didn't help things that I had the social skills of a scared cat. Needless to say I didn't date. I had one female friend in seniors english. She was dating a guy in the military at the time. She was nice to me. I had a mad crush on her and then after we graduated I didn't see her again.
Overall I dressed pretty normally, except when I wore an Indiana Jones hat ( I got the nick name "Indiana" for a bit, real original). I couldn't imagine going to school wearing eye liner, white pancake makup, and have my hair dyed black and hanging over one eye. Might as well have painted a bullseye on my back and put a blindfold on.
Although I do remember one kid who was into the Cure, he used to hang out in the drama classroom. Heh, big suprise.
I know it's all about self expression. Inner angst painted on the outside for the world to see. I admit it takes some guts to face that kind of ridicule and possible ass-beatings. I know I couldn't have taken that. But the thing is it never looks as good on you as it does on the people you're trying to emulate.
It's kind of like halloween costumes and people in the movies. Look at the way Christian Bale looks dressed as Batman in "Batman Returns". Then look at a normal guy dressed in a store bought Batman costume. Quite a bit of difference, no?
Those guys in AFI and My Chemical Romance have make-up artists and wardrobe that travel with them. Unless you want to invest alot of time and money into your "look" to make it look halfway decent I'd suggest just wearing a concert t-shirt from Hot Topic.
Oh yeah, you've seen those old pictures of your parents dressed in those weird clothes and even sporting a buffed up mullet? Imagine what your kids are going to see when you're older? The questions they'll ask!
But hey, at least you're not as pathetic as those white dudes with the gold teeth who think they're the next 50 cent.
Eyeliner washes out, stupid doesn't.
And besides, guys shouldn't wear make-up unless they're shooting a movie involving aliens or head trauma. Or if they're a practicing transvestite. Or a rockstar with lots of security, like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars.
But hey, to each his own. It's still a free country last I checked....

D-

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Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Quest For Fire
Current mood: tired

I guess I'm kind of a romantic. Even if I am a weird one. I don't really believe in marriage, I think that if two people love each other you shouldn't need a piece of paper to bind you. If you love someone you stay with that person through thick and thin. There are too many miserable married people in this world.
You see these lavish weddings on tv that cost buttloads of money. Hell, you could buy a house with the money they spend on the fucking dress the bride wears! And then a year or so later, dones-ville. Over!
If there's one thing I do believe in it's love. When love is involved anything is possible. It's the one drug you can't buy on the corner. It's the elusive gremlin hanging from the rafters. You can't hold it in your hand but you can Feel It. When you lose it you feel less than you were. Kind of like amputees that still feel their legs afterwards.
It's kind of like what the cavepeople thought of fire. You can't possess fire. You can find it, make it burn longer, build your world around it. If it goes away, since you're a caveman/woman, you hope lightning strikes again.
For some of us lightning strikes just the once. We all find ways to fill the voids in our lives.
I for one, hope it strikes me again someday. I would only hope that the fates aren't that cruel as to leave me alone for the rest of my life. If I have one hope in life, it's that someone will look at me with love in thier eyes again. There are people in my life I wish I knew better, even though I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. Sometimes I wonder if wanting that is too much to ask. That having someone like me around is too much of an imposition. Or maybe it's the self-loathing and paranioa from the depression talking.
Maybe I should put myself on the shelf and try again someplace else?
Whatever that means, it's late and I'm tired....

D-

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Monday, July 03, 2006


0123

The reality of it all
Is slick like glass
I claw at the edges
Sliding like a cat
I just need something real
It's all just fog and noise
Without the emotion

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Sunday, July 02, 2006


Post-Nasal Drip
Current mood: drained

My head feels like an over-ripe melon. This damn head cold has stuck to me like hot bubblegum for the last couple days. Today was also rather shitty because yesturday I didn't get to the pharmacy in time to get my meds. So, I was sans mood-improvers today. Put the two together and you have monkee-shit trail mix, fresh and hot, from my over inflated nasal cavity. MMMmmmmm.
I guess it wasn't all bad, I didn't have to play the team lead today. Also it didn't hurt that it was my favorite team lead working today either. It matters alot in retail who you work with on a daily basis. It seems the new faces are starting to outnumber the familiar ones. I'm just not sure how I fit in anymore.
Not that I fit in anywhere, really.

D-


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Friday, June 30, 2006


when I go, don't you follow

You're the smoke signal from my heart
The crack of moonlight on my wall
That profound thought that escapes me
The sound of the waves crashing near the highway
That forgotten good dream upon waking
The thing that calms me when I can't sleep
The ragged hope that it might be better someday
Before it all slips away
You never call, you never write
But I can't get mad
It's the scant hope
The thought of the dream
The razor-thin 1 percentile
The post-continuity alternate reality
The fan written slash fiction
The unpublished what if story
That has me here
Wondering.
At 2:45 in the morning

D-

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Thursday, June 29, 2006


The Joys of Being Awkward

Let me tell you something about my family. When I was growing up I was what you call a social outcast. When I was in elementary school I used to give my toys away to kids so they wouldn't kick my ass on the playground. I was nearsighted and didn't know it so I couldn't see them coming within a few feet either. I escaped into things I could see, books, tv, and movies. My parents were my best friends in most cases. My Mom in particular. I can safely say that without her in my life I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I would have ended it long ago. She is, and I've checked this out with the Vatican, truly a saint.
My Dad, grumpy old sod, doesn't like going to the movies. Either he complains about the prices or, as with the new theatre in town, the volume level. On the other hand my Mom loves going to the movies. We're not rich people so the family and I don't have the option to go on vacations. So the movies is one of the things she and I enjoy.
Since I've been working I pay for everything. Tickets, Popcorn, and soda. My ex used to make fun of me that "I took my Mom out on dates" when we still had a long distance relationship. I thought it was another cutting remark to make me feel bad. I dunno, maybe she was right in a way.
So anyway, I had been trying to get people I know from work and myspace to come see the movie with me. A few of you replied to me, which I want to thank you for. It really meant alot to me. I was really excited about this and wanted to share.Of course my Mom wanted to go since she loved the Christopher Reeve and George Reeve Superman stuff.
As it all unfolded, I got this gnawing feeling at the back of my head.
"What if they think I'm a momma's boy or something?"
We all like to think that we don't care about what people think of us. Maybe it all adds up to vanity in the end.
One of the things I related to in Superman Returns is he's really kind of a voyuer in some ways. He's the last of his kind. When he's plain old Clark, Lois wouldn't give him the time of day. Here he is sputtering to get a word in and she's walking away from him. When he's Superman everyone looks at him in awe and women want to mount him. He can only overhear from orbit what a normal life sounds like. The most powerful being on the planet just wants someone to look at while eating toast in the morning.
Well, I can relate to the Clark part anyway.

D-

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Superman Returns mini-review

Admittedly, I had my doubts about Superman Returns. When you see any comic book adaptation, and you yourself are a comic enthuiast, there are moments when it bursts into flames. Something doesn't ring true, doesn't feel right. Whatever joy you had about seeing your favorite character on the big screen evaporates into so many ashes. You want to stand in your chair and scream at the screen like Donald Sutherland in "Invasion of the Body-Snatchers".
Fantastic Four
Batman and Robin
Daredevil
...and on and on.
Superman Returns wraps you up in a big red blanket and you're 9 years old running around the house jumping off funiture. Sure if you were nit-picky like most geeks with a net connection you could point out problems with the film. This film made me feel good. Period.
It was big valentine to The Big Blue Boyscout. Brandon Routh is an inspired choice for the role. He had both strength and vulnerability as Clark/Superman adding alot of depth to a character that could have been played too broadly. Kevin Spacey made a very smart and cruel Lex Luthor (less cartoony than Gene Hackman). The cast was top notch overall.
The special effects were outstanding. Without giving anything away part of it choked me up. It was a great movie in my opinion. 2 thumbs up!
As for all the people on the web who have been acting like chicken little about all the "gay stuff" being smeared about the ether. Those people should grow the fuck up, and probably, shove it up their asses (they aparently aren't secure enough in their manhood anyway).
Everyone loves Superman in their own way and there's nothing wrong with that. Welcome back Kal-el, we missed you.

D-

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Everything is never going to be ok.

Work was pretty horrible today. The store is getting bigger, but the staff is getting smaller. I felt like I was going to be sick. There was supposed to be a bigwig coming in the morning. I had to be the "team leader" for my part of the store.
As Charlie Brown used to say "Good Grief".
The depression tends to get over on me when I'm under stress. I start to feel the futility of it all.
Someone once said that if you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome: you're a fool.
You can offer your hand in friendship but you can't make them take it.
Or is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
Loving someone and they not loving you is the loneliest feeling in the world.
People's ears really don't burn when you talk of them when they're not around.
Overhearing someone making plans on a night you asked them to do something and they said they had to work?
Priceless.
The lie is sometimes more heartbreaking than the truth.
Sometimes the option of running away keeps me here.
The flaws are what make beauty, perfection is dull.
Yeah, I put the p***y on a pedestal. I saw that movie too.
Even though I haven't believed in god for a while everytime I wake up I think "god help me make it through....".
You know, come to think of it, owner of a lonely heart IS much better than owner of a broken heart.
I fear I'm becomming like my dad.
I'm rambling.

D-

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Monday, June 26, 2006


"Why are you so angry?"

There's someone at my work that has been asking me "What's wrong Daniel? Why are you so unhappy?". At that point I manage a smile and say "I'm okay." or something to that effect. I guess I'm not as self concious as I thought. I used to think I put up a decent enough poker-face, but I guess not. One person told me I looked "so serious" when I walked around work.
I guess it's another case of "perception = reality".
It's the depression, odviously. The new drug is helping it but I guess it's something else. I want to change my life but I just don't have the energy available. So I just keep going and it's wearing me down.
When I had someone to love I found that things were different. I could focus on her and making her happy. My problems got smaller. I wasn't alone. I got more sleep, had more fun, and sex is alot better when not done solo.
Being in love is life's anti-depressent.
Well, that's over and I don't see anyone in my life now stepping into that Oh So wanted role. I'm a decent enough guy, I think, when you get to know me. Weird, yes, very much so I guess. But are any of us truly normal?
Wait, don't answer that.....

D-

Currently watching :
The Venture Bros. - Season One
Release date: By 30 May, 2006

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"go home and live with your pain"

at a party he was waiting
looking kind of spooky and withdrawn
like he could be underwater
the mighty mother with her hundred arms
swept all aside
i hate to walk behind other people's ambition
i saw you waiting
saint like
with your warning
leave alone
you don't belong here
he got nervous
started whistling
every thought a ricochet
did you notice?
well i wondered
what's the worst thing i could say?
and i froze up and sighed
you remind me of someones daughter
i forgot her
i forgot her name ashamed
go home and live with your pain
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
and when i go
don't you follow
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
slip out quiet
nobody's looking
leave alone
you don't belong here

"No Name #1" by Elliott Smith

Currently listening :
Roman Candle
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 14 July, 1995

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