Friday, August 18, 2006


Make Me a Whisper
Current mood: depressed

I came home from work tonite and I cried.
No, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I thought I had myself togther, I thought I had somewhat of a hold on things.
But life decided in bold, groping, dry-humping, jack-hammering, red-faced alcoholic, motherfucking relief to let me know just how fucked up I still am.
I sat on my bed and the warm bubble of the days exertions was still surrounding me. I had to force it out like it was bad seafood I had for dinner. I knew if I didn't let out the pain it was just going to go back into hiding like it always does only to resurface like some demented whack-a-mole. It was more of a convulsion than anything else. Like a seizure.
I'm suprised a piece of my heart didn't come up with all the tears and nasal fluid. I'd pick it up out of my tissue and burn it as a warning to the rest of it.
"All you are is a goddamn valve pump! Stop making me miserable!"
I used to like working Thursdays.
If there's anyone out there who believes in some sort of deity, put in a good word for me. I don't kow what to do anymore and even a dirty cynic like me needs someone to pray for him.
At the end of the night while I was clocking out I quoted Danny Glover's line from Lethal Weapon 1:
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
One of my co-workers knew the line and I said "best cop movie of the '80s". The one scene I always remember is Mel Gibson's (before he "jumped the couch") character sitting in his trailer in tears. He loads one 9mm round into the chamber of his Berreta while looking at a photo of his deceased wife. It was either one of the best acting jobs I've seen or it's something he's thought of before and he's re-inacting it. First he considers putting the barrel under his chin, eyes wild and glazed over with grief. Then he settles for putting the barrel inside his mouth, the muzzel probably resting on the roof. Of course he decides against it otherwise the movie would have been over.
At the end of the movie, when all the bad guys are dead, Riggs and Murtaugh meet up at his family's house. Riggs says, quoting loosley:
"Let me tell you a secret. I'm not crazy"
"I know." he says back and they go eat and the credits roll.
I've been in the same spot as he has for a while and let me tell you a secret.
I'm not crazy, I'm just in pain. I'm not as pretty as Mel but it doesn't mean I'm cruel or deranged. I could never hurt anyone, if you don't count myself.
I can't stand it if people are nervious around me, that's probably where my sense of humor comes from.
I'm rambling again, don't mind me....

D-

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Self Autopsy
Current mood: thoughtful

I admit this, I'm pretty hard on myself.
I tend to beat myself over alot of things that most people would let slide off of them like water off a duck's back. I mean you can't expect things to be perfect in your life. Lord knows I'm not perfect in any way what so ever.
Whenever I want things to turn out in my favor they always burst into flames.
It's my failures, with people, that haunt me.
Most of the time I'm a walking bag of loose wiring held together by pure will. It annoys the living shit out of me when I can't do anything right when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I feel like punching walls and destroying bathrooms like that guy in "Punch-Drunk Love". All I've ever wanted is to express myself correctly and not make an ass out of myself in the process.
Not that making a fool of myself has a time or place, mind you.
One of the most fullfilling moments in life, I believe, is looking into someone's eyes and not fear, not hesitate. To know the person in front of you understands you and is cool with that. Trust is a big thing in my life, but finding someone to trust in this life is hard.
Especially for a walking basket case like me it's even harder.
I've made an ass out of myself in that pursuit recently and it still stings like a motherfucker. Everytime I see her it makes me wince and I can only hope that time will scab over the pain.
I beat myself up, and after all these years it doesn't hurt any less. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe someday the fates will be kind and give me that perfect moment where it counts.
Or if not perfect, at least good enough.
I can live with that.

D-

Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Back in the Saddle Again
Current mood: contemplative

Well, it's been 6 days without having to work and I've gotten a few things done I was hoping to. I had a pretty darn good birthday. I dunno this year it wasn't about the presents it was more to do with how I felt.
I don't want to overdramatize this more than I should, I mean, all those people who came out were probably not there to see me. In fact I know that a few were there to see off my friend who is moving to the east coast.
That and he's not a troll, like me.
He's a hell of a nice guy and I wish him all the luck in the world. The get-together was supposed to be for him too so it worked out nicely. I really thank everyone for coming out no matter what their reasons were. It felt great to be around people and have some fun.
I'm kinda mixed about going back to work. I really liked being away from the place for a while and not running around like a damn fool all day. On the other hand everyone I know is there and I kinda miss being useful.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.....

D-

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Sunday, August 13, 2006


My Shotglass Runeth Over With Friends & Fun
Current mood: content

I think in planning that birthday thingie I made a few mistakes.
I've had my cell phone since febuary and I'm still learning how to text message. I probably missed inviting a few people in the process, and I opologize for botched communication on my part. Plus I didn't get to go into work and personally invite a few people. Sorry!
I was stuck putting together a computer desk with my dad for most of the day. My familia bbqed some steaks for me which was nice. They didn't know what to get for me. When I said things like 'ipod' and 'new monitor for my comp' they looked at me like I was from Mars.
I ended up spurging for an Ipod for myself.
Thanks me! You shouldn't have!
*cough*
The highlight of my day was getting to spend some time having fun with friends. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to show up! It made me feel really good and overwhelmed that you all came by to say hi to little old me. So I want to say THANK YOU all from the bottom of my old, weird, geeky heart!
I was proud of myself that I had a few drinks and didn't make an ass of myself. And if I did, I'm sure there'e photographic evidence floating around.
Anyway, ah, good times....

D-


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