Saturday, July 22, 2006


Lancing @ Windmills
Current mood: tired

I had that sick feeling at work again.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to change enough to have a decent life. God do I feel used up lately. And this hot weather is making it impossible to sleep. I hate just laying there and sweating.
I think I should maybe stop talking to people anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I've become a bad joke.
I had one goal as of late and I completely chickened out on it. God help me I tried but the words wouldn't form in my mouth. There was never the right moment. The moment in the movies when the music swells and it all comes together. Movies are just bad when it comes to the inner psyche relating to reality.
My own personal reality is starting to become overwelmed with heart ache. Sometimes I feel mad at myself for not knowing how to make it better. I'm beyond beating myself up, I fear I've become numb to it.
Even the simplest things I want have become Don Quiote style lancing at windmills. I've become my own bully taking my own luch money.
Part of me wants to belong, wants to connect with people. The other part sees all the clues in people's eyes and says to run away.
I wonder how people look at me, do I make them nervious, do they quickly look away. Does the conversation end abruptly when I have trouble with eye contact? At least cruelty is honest.
I wish I didn't care. That I could go through life and not care what anyone thinks. Maybe that's the definition of happiness is...

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Friday, July 21, 2006


Villians
Current mood: melancholy

Depression is my nemesis
Doubt and Fear are my enemy
Self Loathing is my drunk co-pilot
Sleep escapes me
Waking up is my crime
Love heckles me from the balcony
Logic walks in the dark basement
People are the things that leave me
My heart is a rabid wolverine
She is the thing I want in my life
Life evades me because I'm not fast enough
Desire hangs it's head and sighs
Hope ticks by and leaves when the heart dies
Death twirls it's gun and smiles
God takes a taxi to the beach
The Devil flies a kite
I fall again

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Thursday, July 20, 2006


It's hard to say "oh well, okay"
Current mood: cranky

Okay, just so's there's no confusion, I know the spot on which I stand looks kinda grim. I'm 33 years old, I don't drive, I live in my parents house, and I work retail (not making a living wage I might add). Also I'm not the most socially adept person in the world. I'm not stupid, alright? I know people are snickering behind my back. If my life were a boxing movie it would be about who stands in the ring and beats himself up.
I'm not braindead, I get it. I'm majorly fucked in the head, or is it the heart? I'm constantly at war with myself. I have some moment of zen when whatever task at hand gives me an escape. I get tired, I get obnoxious, sometimes I feel like giving up, I get moody, I'm a walking set of contradictions.
God I wish I was still doing sculpture. Kneading the clay 'till my knuckles pop! It was fun, It was 3d and more abstract than painting or sketching...
But anyway, I wish I could say what I feel but I'm afraid to say it. I become a studdering idiot when it comes to things that matter to me.
Maybe I should check myself into the nervious hospital, learn to paint with my toes in a rubber room?
Or maybe get on high-powered anti-psychotics and have my testes drop off my body like ripe apples?
God, it's too hot to think in here....

D-

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006


My Chest Is Ticking
Current mood: contemplative

It's funny, thought process vs. reality.
You could think about one thing for months, have it rolling around your subconsious for longer, worry, fret and ponder on it for hours. But once it leave your mouth in some form or another, just when all the amassed psychic energy hits the air, it could turn into nothing or worse.
It's the science of people. Cause and effect. Chaos Theory wearing sneakers.
It's one thing to have cold facts on a sheet of paper, it's another to have emotions mixed in. Emotion bridges the gaps in logic which is unfortunate.
But when it comes to people emotions are the most important thing followed not so closely by facts.
It maybe a beautiful day today by some people's standards but you feel like shit so it isn't so beautiful.
Id, ego, and super-ego. Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Spock tells you the odds are 200000.45 o 1 that the sun will turn nova in five minutes, McCoy reacts passionately and says "Holy Shit, Jim! Those people are going to die! " Kirk makes the choice between saving the planet below or getting the hell out of there.
When you talk to people about emotion it's like defusing an atomic bomb. Especially when it comes to love. Everything on paper might make it all impossible, but if it's there, it's like the duct-tape of the universe.
To paraphrase a comedian who's name I can't remember "if love can't fix it, it's broke."
But the thing about love is ther has to be two. If it's just one, then it's just energy untapped. Like a keg of beer rolled down a hill and left to sit. It probably made Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear or Edgar Allen Poe drink himself into oblivion in a gutter in Baltimore.
But the difference between fact and reality hinges on how people communicate. It's all just a mass of butterflies in your stomache until whatever cat gets let out of the bag.
Or at least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
If I can make it 'til my birthday alive I'll be lucky....

D-

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Sunday, July 16, 2006


Blue Saturday

My day wasn't my day to be well.
After having been up 'til around 5am I awoke in a beaten daze around 1:20 pm. I remembered I had to walk to work today and knew I had to get on the road at 2:30. This gave me an hour to get my shit together, such as it was.
I had alot on my mind, some of which is unfortunately too private to talk of here. And believe me I'd love to let it out and let it skitter around like kittens on a lenoluim floor.
So, I showered and shaved, checked e-mail, threw on work clothes. Couldn't find my heartburn pills which pissed me off. Didn't have time to have anything decent to eat so I grabbed a couple cookies and a Coke and hit the road. It's at least a mile walk to work so I had to hurry.
I think it had something to do with the lack of sleep, the rush to get to work, and the general state of my mind. Some of it had to do with that thing I can't tell you about. I felt like I was going to throw up a couple hours after I started working. My mind was on a merry-go-round. I felt like just sitting down and crying and hope it would stop. I hadn't felt like this since before I'd started taking the pills my doc prescribed me. I shudder to think what it would have felt like if I hadn't taken them.
Eventually I managed to get ahold of myself and make it through the day. I truly hate being like this. Having my emotions converge on me like angry dogs. I wish I wasn't alone. Sometimes I just want someone to touch my face and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not a greedy man. I don't wish for the perfect life. I just want to feel content and feel some passion in my life.
Oh well, enough grumbling.

D-

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Friday, July 14, 2006


Frodo, BWI, and Le Grande Morte
Current mood: contemplative

Something about today made me feel like something was going to end soon. It's that creeping shadow that settles in your heart.
In real life, unlike the movies, ending are less distinct unless someone croaks. That would be the end of someone. Le Grande Morte.But things in life end and we keep on going. Love affairs, Friendships, and Jobs.
Sometimes we have happy endings, but most endings aren't happy. The one's I was thinking of were of the "Frodo-loses-a-finger-at Mount-Doom-While-getting-rid-of-that-fucking-ring" type. Not so much an end but a horrendous turning point. Things have always been messy and hard in my life in that regard. I really and truly hate saying goodbye. In the past I've tried to avoid it because I become a giant girl about it.
I still have fresh memories of openly weeping at BWI airport the last time I saw my ex. Being seached for bombs and box cutters while your face is covered in tears and snot isn't something you forget easily...
I guess you could see an ending as the beginning of something else?
Or maybe I just had BK one too many times for one lifetime.
Or, the bright light is actually a train coming.

D-

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006


I Yam What I Yam
Current mood: contemplative

I guess you could say I don't have an inflated sense of self worth.Which isn't to say I don't have a sense of self. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to be like everyone else.
As a kid I wasn't one of those people who could be easily labeled. Most people prefer the people around them as easily quantifiable. Predictable, not quirky, within general norms. He's a jock, he's a brain, she's a cheerleader, etc.
I wasn't nerdy enough to hang with the D & D crowd, I didn't like rap music so that crowd was out, I wasn't into heavy metal and didn't smoke so that was out.
In the social scale of high school I was a ghost. Most people know some people from high school. Most of the people I knew were military brats.
"Here To Go" as Warren Ellis once wrote.
I've always been social teflon, just never stuck. The thing that got me through unscathed in high school is the one thing that keeps people away.
I'm not easily pidgeon-holed, I'm not pocket-sized for easy consumption, I'm not Mr. Happy Go Lucky, I'm not 6 foot 2 and have 6 pack abs.
I'm weird, odd, quirky, neurotic, I worry too much, I stay up too late and wake up late in the afternoon, I beat myself up sometimes, I try to make everyone happy to my own detriment, I have trouble making eye contact. I try too hard.
I'm depressed sometimes too.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm me. Even though sometimes I wish I wasn't. I've found out the hard way no matter where you go, there you are. I'd like to think that one day I'll be content with that.

D-

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She Scares Me

She scares me
In that way that threatens to tear asunder any vestiges of sane thought
She scares me
By provoking my heart to wonder if love is possible again
She scares me
My mind makes somersalts to make it fit into my reality
This is crazy
That I'm even thinking of telling her how I feel
This is crazy
That if I think about it nothing else matters
This is crazy
That I'd die for her if she wanted me to
She scares me
That she probably feels nothing for me
She scares me
That I'd probably ruin everything
She scares me
That I'd feel like a fool and start crying
This is crazy
That I need to do it anyway
This is crazy
I should run away like a coward if I had any sense
She scares me
That I'd never get the chance
She scares me
That it means so much to me
I'm scared and I'm lonely
And I hope against hope
That She Sees Me
The way I see her

D-

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Monday, July 10, 2006


Panic Attack
Current mood: crushed

It comes on like a wave
It drowns my senses in screaching data-dense hail
The doubt and pain lance through me
My stomache churns and threatens to drop through the floor
You wonder if what you feel is a lie
You wonder if it all will end in a mangled car-wreck of insanity
You feel like a decaying corpse on a busy interstate
The activity around you drones on around you leaving you alone in a crowded room
You feel the porceline on the back of your teeth turn to dust
Your jaw aches from keeping your mouth shut to keep from screaming
No one else can hear it but you
The sweat start to trickle down your neck and gives you a violent chill
You become delirious and start to mumble and pace
"What if.....what if.....what if...."
All you want to do is fall and dissappear
Run and hide
Bash your skull in or puch a hole through the wall
You start to call yourself everything in the book
"You fucking bastard, sick freak, deluded asshole. I hate you. Pull it together!"
Somehow some air makes it past the tendons in your throat and your start to breath again
Your reality starts to invade the fog of your emotional storm
It seems like an eternity has past but you look at your watch and it's been only a few minutes.
You damn yourself for being so fucked up and need to sit down and focus on not vomiting.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Because it's probably me.

D-

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Sunday, July 09, 2006


It's my party....
Current mood: contemplative

Recently I decided I really needed a couple days off from work. The place has been getting to me lately so I picked up a couple of leave forms.
With the way they schedule us at work we have to ask for time off nearly a month ahead of time. It's a huge pain in the ass. So I tried to figure out when to take my time off using my handy dandy cellphone datebook.
I looked and saw that my birthday is next month, goddamn, that snuck up on me.
The last time I had a birthday party here I was probably 5 years old. I absolutely hated it. I had all these cousins and kids from school who I didn't know playing with my stuff. It was the first and last one I had here.
When I was living back east for the two years I was with my ex she threw me two birthday parties. There was cake and barbeque and music with all of her family and our room-mates. It was pretty cool.
Now I'm back here again. I feel the need to get piss-drunk and forget how tragic my life is right now. I have some friends here now. I'm just starting to feel a type of comfort here. Being the arranger of my own party smacks of the way my parents MO. They always put the pressure on me as to how I want to spend my birthday. I have to pick out my own presents. I just wish they thought they knew me well enough to suprise me. The way I figure it I don't want to stress out about it all. Birthdays shouldn't be about stress and counting pennys. Christmas is the same way.
But hey, if you don't do for yourself who will do it for you (as shitty as it makes you feel)?
Well anyway, I got the time off approved. 5 days away from my job to do, or, not do anythinng I want. I'm sure the place will go on fine without me.
I don't want to sound tragic or anything. It's just that I have this lousy habit of "hoping" for things. Ultimately when they don't happen I blame myself.
I always try to see the good in people even when they end up hurting me. Ignoring me. It's comical, people hurt me and I opologize for bleeding on them, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, it's late. Sleep awaits.

D-

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