Wednesday, October 25, 2006 Vodka and Chocolate Milk Is it wrong to steal glances All our life is stolen moments Still pictures of life sweeping past Brains are wired only to see so much We breath in the moment we want to keep Like clutching sand in your fist in a storm Time beats us all into tatters Sometimes the punches stagger us Others hiss by like a flicked cigarette butt We try to clutch to others so we might steal their strength In a time when the world gets smaller by the day I feel so alone Cursing the demons inside Damning myself for missed chances Watershed mistakes Self-involved humming of a man Without a star in his dark sky Faith is trying to make something real that's not tangible Either way empty is empty When there's nothing there to fill it D- 1:50 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 Haunted, Unmedicated, Chemo Fannypacks Haunted, Unmedicated, Chemo Fannypacks Today was pretty quiet compared to yesturday. I got invited to a bbq/halloween thing at a co-workers house out in the country Sunday. It was alot of fun just hanging out and relaxing with people closer to my own age. I don't get to do enough of that. After we ate we went to this huge maze in a cornfield and wandered around in the dark for a couple of hours. The stars are alot brighter out there at night. After we went to this haunted house. I didn't really get all that scared, but it was pretty elaborate and very well done. I hadn't really had a good halloween experience since I left the east coast so I was gratefull I got the chance. I forgot to take my meds today so I've been fighting with moodiness all day. I should have taken it before I left for Borders but forgot. If I had been under any stress it would have been alot worse for me but overall the day was quite mellow. My Mom went to bingo with an older lady she takes care of so it was just me and Dad for the night. Today he got hooked up to his Chemo device. He has to wear it 5 days a week, 24 hours a day. I looks like a square fannypack but it's connected to a spot on his chest by a hose underneath his shirt. I tried to keep him in good spirits about it and we watched Monday Night Football (always nice to see the Cowboys get their ass kicked). Tomorrow his radiaton treatments start, all I can do is cross my fingers and hope for the best.... I should go before the lack of meds in my system let the dark fog of shadows color my vision and I bum everyone out. Thanks to everyone who was at the bbq sunday for making me feel welcome. D- 2:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Friday, October 20, 2006 Daniel Explains It All Current mood: aggravated "What's wrong?" I guess if I went to a mental health professional he would diagnose me as "clinically depressed" and have been for all my life. My current (medical) doctor prescibed me with anti-depressents and they help a little bit but it doesn't improve on my physical symptoms i.e. feeling run down and tired, never getting enough sleep, general crankiness. It doesn't help matters that I'm shy and have the social skills of a feral cat. I've only had one girlfriend and that ended 2 years ago. Now I live with my parents. I've went on a couple of dates but they've ended to mediocre to disasterious results. I've had crushes on co-workers that have ended with friendship and mind-numbingly-soul exploding-.454 Casull Magnum bullet to the soul sized-awkwardness and self-flagelation for being so stupid respectively. I don't drive which has made me into a social pariah. Even children fresh from the womb drive in this state apparently. Woman who even talk to me for 5 seconds that I find even a little attractive find boyfriends or husbands within 4 seconds. Either that or they find me icky, not that I blame them. My Dad was just diagnosed with cancer and has to have Chemo and radiation therapy which will burn his insides for several months in a row. Working retail has left me with an opinion of humankind that isn't very good at all. Also, my knees are bothering me, and headaches. I'm 34 and I pretty much hate myself all the time. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..................... I'm not feeling so utterly fucking hot, ok? That's what's wrong with me children. But other that all that shit I'm doing fine and frickin' dandy, mm'kay? Yep, that's about it. Go whisper amongst yourselves, it's what people do best.... D- 2:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, October 18, 2006 Remnants Current mood: contemplative I have an idea, one that seems kinda strange. If you know know me at all this is no suprise. I'm going to get me an old cigar box and fill it with remnants. Old pictures of her, pictures of me with her, the places we went. Old letters and cards, you get the deal. I'm going to write her a new letter, the last one I'll ever pen. She stopped sending me emails months ago, never even replied when I sent her a birthday gift. If I did to her what she had done to me I would have told her I was sorry everyday 'til it stuck. I'm going to take that cigar box with me, back to cold Baltimore streets. I'm going to walk around the neighborhood we lived in, maybe eat a good cheese steak while I work up the nerve. I'm going to put the box on her doorstep, wrapped with a rubber band. With a note that says "Thanks for the memories, you can have them back". Then walk away forever. I don't love her anymore, but sometimes things need to be let go of. Time has made the pain hurt less, but the memories linger. After I'm done with that I'm going to get drunk with my old friends. Raise some hell and make some new memories and start anew. D- 3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 My Chemical Departed Current mood: tired The day started off rather peacefully. I probably hit the snooze button a dozen times or so and got up around 1:30. The house was empty, the light had that special tint that only the fall brings. I remembered that my Dad had another doctors appointment this morning so it wasn't that suprising. I spend the afternoon goofing around on the net until they got home. I guess the doctors have a gameplan as to my Dad's treatment. A "Chemical Coctail" he called it and also chemo and "radiation therapy". They start next week with it all. He might lose his hair and it might turn odd colors. He doesn't have alot of hair ontop so it's really not that far of a trip. He jokes he doesn't it to grow back red or black something.... It was about 3pm and I had't eaten anything so I took off for a bit to get some taco bell and to "air out". The air outside was crisp and windy and felt good. I wondered if it had started snowing in Baltimore yet. The lack of seasons here is a blessing and a curse sometimes. I finally got to see "The Departed" tonite and I must say its one of the best films of the year. All the performances were top notch and I wouldn't be suprised if there weren't multiple Oscar Nominations. Jack Nicholson and Leonardo DiCaprio in particular, but everyone was top notch. Violent, brutal, funny, I'd see this one again in a heartbeat. For all ...two of you who replied to me about the new mix cd, I'm working on it right now. I'll have a song list in a week or so. Oh yeah, sorry about the drunk post the other night. Rough weekend. That's it for now, so as I've said in the past "You can be strange, just don't be a stranger." D- 1:52 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Monday, October 16, 2006 comfortably numb Work was horrible today. Actually the last couple of days were pretty bad. Like a bad dream lived over and over. I was in consumables tonite, as I was cleaning up the place and straightening beverages all I could think of was how they would mix with vodka. I'm a bit drunk right now. My knees ached like a '50 football player, I felt old. I don't have much energy anymore it seems. The negative thoughts in my head start to close in. I understand why the cool kids don't want me at their little parties. I can see it all reflected in their manner. I'm just old and fat and depressed. I just don't belong here anymore. I bust my ass all day to help people in that place but it really means nothing. All the good intentions in the world don't mean anything. It's just a sick joke that my life has become. I'm pretty useless right now, my head feels a ton, todays pressure feel like ashes in my hands.They wonder why have trouble smiling anymore. I need someone to prove me wrong. Give me something else to feel but bad. I need to lay down.... D- 2:59 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Thursday, October 12, 2006 Daniel the Friendly Ghost Current mood: cranky Up until recently I considered taking up smoking. Yeah, it's a nasty habit and it makes your clothes and breathe smell like ass, but I was reconsidering the length of the road ahead of me. I've been tired, deeply depressed, frustrated, and worst of all bored with my life. The cynic in me (which admittedly comprises alot) thinks that life isn't going to get much better than this. It's going to be all this going through the motions everyday untill I decay like a meteor entering the atmosphere. People I love, like, respect, and admire will pass in front of me without either a wink or a goodbye. I pass though life like a ghost it seems. A friendly ghost, but a ghost nevertheless. But I digress.... Smoking would have been a way to shorten things down. Even a short bad film you can sit through. Imagine having a lifetime of sitting through "The Last Action Hero", "Hudson Hawk" or "Batman and Robin"? I'd want my $7 bucks and 2 hours of my life back. I want to find something I love and let it kill me, but I don't have the energy to find it. If it even exists. I try to find signs of life in my life. I know this sounds redundant, and it probably is. It's just the spot I'm in right now doesn't feel like a life, it's more of an existance. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I go to sleep, lather/rinse/repeat. I see my family in between cycles, I see my co-workers everyday but for the most part (with exceptions) they want nothing to do with me unless they want something done, anyone else falls through the cracks because of my weird schedule. I shouldn't moan about anything, really. My Dad got some very encouraging news from his doctors the last couple of days. It's treatable they say, his cancer. They found it just in time. Cancer free in 5 years they say. Good new, I say. Now I just have to find a cure for my sickness..... D- 1:46 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 Love and Time Travel The movies make love so...romantic. Sounds kinda odvious dunnit? I was watching the end of this movie called "Timeline" in the breakroom before my shift started. I remember hearing it sucked when it originally came out so I'd never seen it. So, anyway, these time travelers were about to make the jump back to their original time. One of them decides to stay behind to but with this girl he met. He looks longingly at her as the others run off, being chased by armored horsmen with swords. Ok, now think about all the things we take for granted in our time. Soft toilet paper, fast food, da internetz, computers, weather-proofed houses, modern painkillers and other pharmacuticals, cars, radios, television, etc. You think he might re-think his position if he gets a compound fracture and they have to ambutate or they break out the leeches? Or maybe having to wipe with your hand or with some leaves for the rest of your life? What if the romance goes sour and he just looks at her and thinks "I'm missing the new episode of Lost because of you, you whore!"? No Taco Bell or Carls Jr. for fuck's sake. Or if he decides to use some of the knowledge he has to fuck with history. What if he gives them the knowledge to master gunpowder years before it normally did? Knights of the Round Table with cannons and muskets. England colonizes America a hundred years before the pilgrims did. Shit, they still thought the earth was flat then! I'm not saying that doing things for someone you love isn't a good thing. One of the few things I believe in is the transforming and elevating power of love. But when you are in love you tend to make some stupid decisions (believe me I know about this, Trust Me). All I'm saying is... Hmm, I have no point. Oh well... D- 3:35 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos