Captain America @ the Colbert Report

blog.myspace.com/danmidnight

Thursday, February 08, 2007


Cupid's Trick

Walk down the main isle in my store and you'll know it's on like Donkey Kong.
Valentine's Day.
I don't really hate this holiday, it's just kinda like a party I don't get invited to.
At first you're mad, then sad, and then resentful, and then the self loathing kicks in.
But that may just be me, but whatever.
I'd like to think of myself as a romantic at heart, lord knows I've humiliated myself in the name of Love in my life. I remember one time, in a bout of paranioa, my ex-gf worrying about someone else "finding" me, like I was some sort of buried treasure. I would assure her that I loved her but she was always jealous of things that were not there. I lived here for 28 years loveless and girlfriendless until I met her online, and she was worried about someone "better" (younger, thinner, etc.) coming around. It's funny if you think about it.
One of my friends mused to me that people in CA were too vain and caught up on image and money. She thought that I'd have a better time finding someone in another state than here. Hah, been there/done that/have the scars and the t-shirt to prove it. But if I think about it I did have more friends and went to more parties when I lived on the east coast. As well as love for as long as it lasted.
Even then this place called to me. I missed my family, watching my niece and nephew grow up, the weather and the ocean.
People don't talk to each other, they crash into each other. Force fields chaffing against each other.
Or maybe, again, it's just me.
Prove me wrong, Lady California, make me see

D-

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Sunday, February 04, 2007


2 Shots, 1 Beer

I didn't come home with the intent of getting drunk, but here I am.
I took 2 shots of vodka and a beer and I was flying high and feeling fuzzy. Star Trek, the original, was on tv. Comfort tv basically. My day wasn't all that great, under-manned (and under womaned for that matter) and under-gunned. I felt emotionally brittle for most of the day. Just one of those days you feel nothing but down. It seems as hard as I try it's never enough for some people. I can't help but take it personal even though most people don't. I can't see past my own heartache anymore. The place where I'm at is making me sick. People have lives, I don't, and it's killing me.
I hope this trip to Vegas a friend was so kind to invite me on will help my spirits. I've never been to Vegas so it'll be pretty cool. I'll be the only single person there and I don't know anyone who would want to go with me. I know a few who I'd like to have with me but they probably think I'm creepy. But, it'll still be fun to get out of this place for a while, gamble and maybe raise some hell.
I'm gonna get some sleep...

D-

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Saturday, February 03, 2007


Cluttered Synapses

I am such a pack-rat.
I spent part of the day trying to scrape out my room which had become...a nest essentially. All this crap has become part of my synaptic membrane, every little scrap of paper, bits of painted plastic. It reminds me of a Sherlock Holmes tv show they had on pbs years ago. His maid made the mistake of cleaning up his study and he flipped out. Apparently, had a filing system that went by how much dust was on the book or paper he needed at any time. To you it probably looked like a mess, but to him, everything was in the right place.
But of course, Holmes was a batshit crazy genius who did cocaine between cases BECAUSE HE WAS BORED.
Heh, not that I could be compared to him whatsoever, but you get the idea.
Also got to a movie tonite, "Smokin' Aces", it was alright. Had some fun stuff but lacked cohesion. I give it "a matinée with a good beer buzz".

D-

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Friday, February 02, 2007


Cut It Out
Current mood: tired

I learned earlier today as the 'rents got back from the umpteenth doctor visit that whatever cancer that was in my Dad's esophagus is gone. They wouldn't say "cancer free". That probably would have been too much to ask, but it's good news never the less.
What tempered my elation was that he has to have surgery to remove the dead tissue and other junk left over from the radiation therapy. Surgery is just scary to me. Being cut open like a deer and sewn back up again and hope to your creator that they didn't drop a wrist watch or a junior mint in there.
After they do all that maybe then I can be happy and let all the worry I had for him out. "The ball is still in play" as they say in the movies.
But still, it's good news.

D-

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Thursday, February 01, 2007


Shiny!

I finally did it, I bought a laptop.
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted one but I was always intimidated by them. Compared to the other computers I've tinkered with they were so...tiny. As well as expensive as fuck. It's only within the last couple of years that they've gotten into my price range.
I've done so much research and hand wringing (which is completely "normal" for me) it was just amounting to so much self flagellation. I literally had a panic attack in Circuit City for god's sake! It was all the salesman telling me horror stories and worst case scenarios when you don't buy the extended warranty. How do you expect a poor guy like me to buy anything nice if you lay that guilt trip in me? I mean, I have issues. My ex gf cut me loose from the opposite coast of the motherfucking continent because I didn't make enough money for her liking.
But, I digress.... :)
So I get the thing home and crack it open. The packaging gives me a cardboard paper cut first thing. "I guess it needed a blood sacrifice," I thought gravely. It's also a new OS, Windows Vista. If XP is like Fisher Price, Vista is like Hot Wheels. Very Shiny.
I hate it when you get a new comp and the company pre-loads all this software that you have to pay for after a month or so. I can get stuff for free on the internet that does the same thing. But so far so good.
Now all I need is a Jack Bauer-tough bag for my new precious....precious....must protects the precious...
Filthy Hobbittez!

D-

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Monday, January 29, 2007


The Night Lives In My Heart

It's so damn quiet
All I hear is the hum of my computer
I should probably be sleeping
But I can't
My restless soul won't let me
I shop online
Afraid to buy anything
When a website won't tell
How much the shipping is
I fear for my pocket book
I hate my unsure brain
I loathe my unsteady heart
It's too late to drink
It's too late to call anyone
I grind my teeth
My brain hurts
The man in the mirror
Is the only one here
I give him the finger
I don't want to work tomorrow
Let me sleep
My knees ache
Oh god, kill me
I can't do it myself
I can't even decide
Whether to by a laptop!
Fuck you Dell
Tell me how much!
It's bled all the fun out of it
I hate my life
Or lack there of
Maybe I should lay down
My brain hurts

D-

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Sunday, January 28, 2007


youtube fishing






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Friday, January 26, 2007


2 years ago

It's ripped tattered and torn
Abused battered and worn
Neglected rejected and alone
Sent home cast aside
Left in the snow
Dripping wet
Mildewed and weathered
Dyspeptic and malformed
Should have never been born
Smells of ashes
Cigarette filters crushed and crumpled
Smelly clothes and brown lungs
She tasted like an ashtray
Lies of love remain cancerous
Rose colored glasses remain dangerous
Living with the pain alone
Reaching out to deaf ears
Going inward torn asunder
Never peaceful even in sleep
Jolting dreams
Never awaking
Going under

D-


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Rotten

As my day ended, when everything slowed down to a dull glide, I began to feel the crippling self loathing and regret throttle my heart. I looked for the bottle of vodka at the foot of my bed wondering if it would dull the rampant fear that I'd lose it.
It's not as if it was a bad day, it was stressful, but it had some genuine good parts. The pendulum swings so high only to crash down hard tearing any self worth from me. I think I'm truly sick, boys and girls. Something's rotten in the state of my mind and it needs to be cut out or drugged out of existence.
I need the voice in my head to stop telling me I'm no good because there's no one or no thing to counteract it. It's times like these I wish there really was a god to explain to me why he or she made me this way.
Either that, or like someone once suggested to me, I should go get laid.
I wonder if this is the way my grandfather felt when he'd go out and get hammered every weekend? This has always kept me from being the type of person who always needs to drink to relax.
In my life I cherish the small moments when I don't feel like a mutant around people. The small bright spots in my dimly lit room. The small window in my prison I call myself. Most people take them for granted. Shiny pennies looking up at you from the gutter. Not enough to build happiness from, but enough to take the chill off.
I'm rambling again....

D-

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Monday, January 22, 2007


"Degrees of Mortal Hatred" or "Are you ready for the Super Bowl?"
Current mood: cranky

Lemme get this straight : I'm a 49er fan, like my father before me.
Sure, they might suck hind end right now, but I'm not one of those fair weather fans who's loyalties go wherever the fair wind blows.
When I lived back east I became a Baltimore Ravens fan through my ex gf who was a rabid fan. I even got to see their Super Bowl victory parade and a game while I was there. I try to follow them as best I can from here (they are in two different divisions so it's cool). Baltimore's original football team was the Colts, who are going to said Super Bowl. Ask any Ravens fan about how the Colts left Baltimore and you'll get the bitter, angry story.
Even Johnny Unitas, hall of famer for the Colts, never step foot in Indianapolis because of it.
In football (and most major league sports probably), when it comes time for the Big Game, and it's not your team out there, you root for the team you hate the most to lose.
In other words, I want to see the Colts get hung by their intestines on Super Bowl Sunday. I'm not saying I'm a Bears fan, I just wanna see Peyton Manning cry like the bitch that he is. Maybe even crap his pants on national tv?
Do it for Johnny U.

D-

Sunday, January 21, 2007


My Feet Ache

I wonder what the use of it all is
As it all whizzes past me
Are the people we know just ledges and rocks we hit
On the way down
Ding and dent us
Maim or impress upon us
Leave us bloody and bewildered
Lighten us and make us high
In the end
Time bludgeons us all to death
Loved or unloved
Richer or Poor
Even depressed young old men
Like me

D-

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Saturday, January 20, 2007


One More Before I Go
Current mood: melancholy

I'm getting sick of feeling like I have something to apologize for.
It takes so much force of will sometimes to look that in the eye and say:
No.
Sometimes it feels like screaming at a room full of shadows hoping they'll speak to me.
Look at me, I'm flesh and blood, I'm not a monster. I bleed, laugh and cry. I walk around in invisible chains that weigh me down. I try so hard, too hard to be someone. Being me hasn't any room in this place. It kills me, but never enough to finish me. I wish I could cut it out and leave it leaking on the floor.
Just one more moment of beauty and I'll go quietly.

D-

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Friday, January 19, 2007


Misery Never Has Company
Current mood: gloomy

I've come to the conclusion that I will be alone, misunderstood, and miserable for the rest of my life. I've come to find this just happens to me naturally as if karma is punishing me for being a mass murderer or a politician in another life, so, I might as well get used to it.
No matter how hard I try to find my way out of whatever this is it hits me on the back of the head with a wet phonebook. I just have to learn not to care and let it finish with my soul and stop fighting it.

"Help me kill my time/'cause I'll never be fine" - Elliott Smith

I don't pretend that I'm the only one who feels this way or that the way I feel is more important that anyone elses. There are plenty of people worse off than me. I'm not saying I deserve to be given anything. I don't want to be pitied. But I would settle for being understood. I don't want to be feared or talked down to. I can't stand being yelled at or preached to or belittled. Being loved is too much to ask. I accept what is given freely and feel guilty otherwise. I'd take a bullet for someone I cared for, I feel it's a noble way to die (if there is such a thing).
I'm rambling again....

D-


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Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Electronics Boat Zombie Holocaust
Current mood: "This is my Boomstick, you primates!!

"It could always be worse," it's an axiom and it's very true.
I was talking to someone at work a week or so ago who was lamenting about always going to parties all the time with his friends.
I shit you not.
He was bored to tears with it and I found it quite funny. Grass is always greener I suppose. Maybe he'd rather be sitting at home all night, his phone never ringing once, writing a blog on myspace, while other people get drunk and laid?
Kinda like....um, me?
Today I got so mad I thought I was getting a fever and was going to turn green and play Jenga with cars out in the parking lot. Working in electronics for most of the day has shread the last vestige of any hope I had in humanity what-so-fucking ever. "C'mon, people can't be That Stupid, can they?"
Oh contraire, mon fraire..
I wish we sold firearms at my store. There was a saying in the Old West "an armed society is a polite one". Either that or spike the Starbucks coffee and soda fountains with birth control pills and antidepressants.
Someday I hope I can be less of a miserable bastard and maybe people will like me. Maybe I need a good head shrinker, or an exorcist....or both.

D-

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Monday, January 15, 2007


Elliott Smith - See Ya Later

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F@cked if I know...

I don't have pride in many things, probably because I'm my own harshest critic. When it comes to things I know I can do well I can be kind of anal about it. In some parts of my life I can be kinda lazy and I hate that. Well, maybe not lazy more like a procrastinator. I will think the living shit out of something before I go ahead and do it. I put myself through unspeakable horrors and then in the end I don't have the energy to go through with it anyway. Oh, and I also have found that I say the weirdest things trying to be funny and end up sounding like creepy homeless person talking to himself. No wonder wants to have anything to do with me. I wouldn't give my fucked up brainmeat to my worst enemy.
I used to think that all I had in my life was my job, but I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm just wasting my time. I spend the day trying my hardest to be the best I can be but I end up every night sitting in front of the computer alone. I think I can trace every misstep I've made with the opposite sex since I've moved back here to fear. Fear of becomming who I was before I felt love. When I moved to the east coast to be with her part of the reason I did it was because I thought this was my only chance to be happy. Okay, maybe not happy, but a close approximation. To be in a loving relationship with someone who loved me. Even though all the warning signs were there that I shouldn't have, I did it anyway.
Most people have hope that someone will come along, have that cushion of ego that tells them they're good enough, strong enough, and that people like them.
Well let's just say I don't have those things.
I'm more liable to believe the bad things about myself from people than the good things. It's a sickness. I mean, the last time I tried to tell someone I loved them I wrote her (yeah I wrote a letter) telling her all the reasons why I wasn't the guy she needed in her life, but how special I thought she was. It was like I was almost begging her to hurt me so I could feel...something.
And boy - howdy did she oblige.
Women are my kryptonite, they make me weak. Because of my dysfunctional nature I could never one of those guys who makes passes at women. Some people in the past have said to me that I'm a "flirt" and I don't get it. Maybe I'm like a moth to a flame, I don't know. I think I just assume women don't want me. It's not like I have much evidence to the contrary. I've always been like Ducky in Pretty in Pink. I'm the friend who wants the female lead but she really wants the handsome rich dude with a heart of gold.
I guess when you really boil it down to the gristle and bone I'm just afraid of being alone. I think everyone has that fear to a certain extent and I'm no different.
What's my point in all this ranting and raving?
Fucked if I know....

D-

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007


I'm an Idiot

I'm guilty, at least I can admit it.
I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to interpersonal relations. I've been alone for most of my life so people have been a mystery to me. I'm so fucking naive, I might as well have crawled out of the womb. I can only relate this to high school because i was probably the least known student there. I was in fear most of my stay there. I guess it makes total sense when I look at my history. I was beaten by bullies in elementary school, I was ignored and abandoned through middle and junior high. By the time I reached high school i might as well been an alien living inside himself. Rumors, passing notes, crushes, the give and take of friendships in an emotionally charged environment. I wasn't involved, it was all the stuff of tv shows like "Square Pegs" and afterschool specials.
My job has become like that, she said he said about her and who she's hanging out with. And now, as I stumble around like a fucking buffoon with only half a clue. I can't tell who's telling me the truth and who's just telling me secrets or things they only half believe. Right now I've become so invested by it all and I can't handle it. I fucked up, plain and simple. I've become Mr. Awkward and I'm probably going to lose someone I thought of as a friend because of it. I'm not to be trusted anymore, so I'm just going to go away and leave everyone alone. I never really deserved it anyway.

D-

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007


Yer Killin' Me

My day was fun.
I woke up at 2pm from a Nyquil induced coma and felt like shit. After I hacked and weezed at the shit in my lungs for a while my parents told me I should see a doctor. I couldn't really put up much of a fight, this thing has been weighing me down since thanksgiving. I decide I'll go see my doctor who's working down at 'doc in a box' over in del rey oaks. We get down there and after standing there calling out to an empty office for 5 minutes I sign in and they dig around for my folder. Turns out they don't take my insurance anymore, I was pissed.
Hop back in the car and go to a place in Monterey they recommended and luckily they do take my insurance.
Long story short, I have bronchitis. The doctor tells me because of the place and hours I work I'm more at risk when it comes to viruses. If I don't feel better in a week or two after taking the pills she prescribed come back.
Right now I feel as spry as a wet rag, but I'll try to get to work tomorrow. I don't know why I beat myself up for that place. I guess it comes down to the people I work with. I don't want to let them down, and right now it's all I have.

D-

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Monday, January 08, 2007


Broken Glass
Category: Writing and Poetry

The stars above roll and dip
My stomach feels like broken glass
The field before us bounces as we run
My arm feels numb as stone
Wrapped around your waist
If I lose you I might die
You're my tether to the earth
You're my reason to keep breathing
The light in the distance beckons
Encroaching darkness chases close behind
I hear your breath in my ear
I smell your sweet skin
I hold on tighter
I grit my teeth 'til blood fills my ears
I'll carry you even when
The night crashes like a wave
But until then
I'll keep running

D-

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Sunday, January 07, 2007


dining on ashes

I found my ex's sister's myspace page a month or so ago. She's one of the few people I hear from back in Baltimore (even if it's just a chain letter). She didn't hesitate in welcoming me with open arms when I moved there and I'll always be grateful for that. I haven't dared messaging her here because it would open up quite the can of worms I fear. I haven't heard from my ex since I sent her a birthday present in August. My birthday was a few weeks later, I didn't even get an email.
The whole experience seems like a lifetime ago. Back when I was loved for a while and had a second family. Looking back on it all it was a rolling train wreck of an affair that should have stopped before it started. But it had it's moments of beauty even if they were tinged with sadness. But I guess that's life, isn't it?
In life there are some things that you can't return (no matter how loud you scream at the team member at guest service)....

D-

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Friday, December 15, 2006 Update I know I haven't written anything lately. The world just keeps on spinning and all I can do is to hold on sometimes. My Dad finished up with chemo and radiation therapy a week or so ago and is slowly trying to get his energy back. He's still feeling alot of after effects from it all but I'm hopeful he'll get back to a bit of normalcy soon. In an hour or so the parents will be going to Stanford again for some more tests. The doctors want to see what's going on with the cancer and what to do about it next. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for him and I hope you do too. I also want to thank everyone for all their good thoughts and prayers for my Dad. I deeply appreciate it. As for me, I'm the same bummed out weirdo I always have been. Just more stressed out than usual. I'm going to try to write more after things get slower after the holidays. Cheers, D-

Thursday, December 07, 2006 Shazam, The 49ers, and Jeebus In my house growing up, sundays were for football (the NFL not that college stuff). My parents weren't religious so neither was I. I remember one time being put into a sunday school class for a day. I remember the place was kind of like my regular school but smelled alot older. I just didn't connect with what they were trying to teach us. I didn't have that fear of imminent lightning bolts from the sky. Well, if you don't count watching SHAZAM!! on saturday morning tv. It's always been fascinating and kind of scary to hear people talk about how they believe in "their God" absolutely and how great He is. I mean, just because I'm a 49er fan doesn't make me want to kill people who are Cowboys fans (well maybe Raider fans, but they've got it comin' j/k). That type of extremism is foreign to me I guess. Maybe that kind of belief system has to be instilled when someone is young and prone to believing in things that aren't there. Admittedly most of my belief systems came from comic books. Batman, Superman, Spider-man. I guess it all boils down to "Help people out, don't be a bastard." All my life I've always the person to ask "why?" so I doubt I could have been a religious person anyway. There are too many logic gaps in most of the literature anyway. I mean, I know that Superman couldn't fly in real life, but parting the Red Sea? He had to be a mutant or something.... Y'know, some of the ideas in some of the religions are good. "Do unto as you'd have done to you" "He who is without sin cast the first stone" It's organized religion that most people have a problem with. How do you organize a belief? How do people, individuals as different as snowflakes, be squeezed through a hole like so much play-doe, and be made to believe in one thing written in a book thousands of years, said book that has been revised millions of times? That being said, this is America: you can believe whatever you want to just don't hurt people and scramble their minds or bodies. Y'know, it's funny Jesus by all accounts was a peaceful dude. Healed the sick, fed the poor, was a nice dude. Sure, he thought he was the son of god but that's neither here nor there. Why is it that some people who believe in him and choose him as their savior aren't very Jesus-like? I'm not a scholar or anything, but....see what I'm saying? The late Bill Hicks did this type of commentary better and alot funnier, so I'll leave this one behind for now. But on that note it reminds me of a scene on the classic Star Trek show. I don't remember which episode it was but Spock was explaining to Kirk a philosophy an alternate earth had taken to shape their civilization into something bizarre. The alien said something to the effect that you must believe why they must do what they do and Spock replies. "Just because I understand, does not mean I believe as you do." D-

Friday, December 01, 2006 "No Good Deed..." "...Goes Unpunished" I wonder if Batman ever thought after the umpteenth time the Joker escaped from Arkham Asylum, "Fuck all you people! You're not worth the trouble!" Well of course not, I mean, you figure he wasn't doing it for any type of monetary compensation or otherwise. One of the upsides to being a billionare playboy, with a mansion, a revolving bedroom door (not to mention Catwoman's cell phone number), and money for any type of toy you'd need. All the reason he needed to being out on the streets beating the hell out of psychos, rapists, dope dealers, pimps, super-powered dipshits, gun runners, right-wing pedophiles, is the personal satisfaction it gave him. As well as feeding his personal inner demons. Sure, he could have been a cop. But scumbags don't wet themselves at the sight of them. I mean think of it, a giant bat coming at you in a dark alley in the dead of night with a voice that sounds like satan's bowels after too much taco bell. Your mind fucks with you when you KNOW you've done something wrong anyway. Instant yellow trowsers. But he can't be happy, the poor bastard. The job will never be done, there won't ever be that moment when he rubs his hands together and says, "Well, there it is, I'm done." Everyday it's the same uphill struggle. Over and over and fucking over again. You just pick yourself up and try again, even if the wave hits you back onto the shore. You can't ask him to be Jesus, but you know he'll do it anyway. Don't ask Batman to smile either. D-

Thursday, November 30, 2006 Reason .1002 Yet another reason to learn to drive : Being out of town after dark and not having to worry about having a ride home. Especially in places like Salinas which, if you believe the evening news, makes downtown Iraq look like "cow tipping" country. Speaking of cow tipping, I wonder how far from my home state I have to move to find a woman who wants to have a non-platonic relationship? I mean, I had to move to Baltimore to have a girlfriend (yeah, I know, look how that ended). I hope at least an english speaking country. Everyone says Canada is nice. Even if they speak french in some of it. I have an aunt who lives in Chicago, at least it snows there. I'm babbling, it happens when I forget to take my meds. D-

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 it's his world... ...we just live in it. ..>

Sunday, November 26, 2006 I was... Current mood: exhausted ...Gonna write this huge self relevatory rant tonite. But, I suddenly got a splitting headache and got light headed. I guess I'll take that as a sign. It seems the more skin I take off the onion that is my life it all doesn't add up to anything real. It's all just "sound and fury signifying nothing". As much as I can list things that bother me in my life, I have trouble saying what's really wrong with me. I could say it's my eyes for the the way I see my world. I could say it's my ears for not hearing the things I need to be content. Maybe it's my hands for not grasping and feeling what I need to. It could be my feet for not trusting the ground that I walk on. I could say it's my brain for not being smart enough. I could say it's my heart for sitting in my chest like a rock. It could be my dick for making the rest of the body parts miserable for being neglected. It could be something alot less poetic. Didn't I say I wasn't going to go off on a rant? Yeah, I thought so. D-

Thursday, November 23, 2006 Thankful? On a day like this, one of those things you think about is the old cliche. "It's Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for?" To tell you the truth this is a hard question to answer. Especially with the way my year has been. It could have been worse, sure, but I doubt I could have come though that intact. Finding things to be thankful for in a year when my Dad got cancer, I had to go back on meds, work grinding my last gear, emotional tumult, etc. So, like I did when I helped carve the turkey, I'll get down the bare bones of it all. What is good? What doesn't suck? 1. My Dad is through with radiation in 2 weeks, chemo is done in January. 2. I have money in the bank, so I'm not a bum. 3. The rest of my family is healthy, niece and nephew continue to grow like weeds. 4. My ex is no longer talking to me, so I don't have to send her a x-mas gift. 5. There are people I know who don't think of me as creepy. That's about all I can think of right now. Not exactly the happy happy joy joy big red bow that beffits the holiday. But hey, Black Friday is tomorrow. What do you expect? D-

Monday, November 20, 2006 Action Hero I need a mission I need a plan I need a gun in my hand I need a wild girl on my arm A gamble to bet the farm I need to look in her eyes See the future lit aflame Feel the world's evil die in my hands Feel my heart swell with hope Know that life is worth living And that I'm not alone I want to be the hero in my story Only get wiser as I get old Leave my mark on the world Make it better Live 'til I die. Amen. D-

Sunday, November 19, 2006 Altered State Current mood: Crying I learned something new the last couple days or so. Bear with me while I think aloud here. The other night I got piss-blind-mad drunk. But I don't think it was alcohol that really did me in. I may have had a few beverages but I think it just awoke some mad-dog gremlin inside my subconsious. I read the blogs I wrote the other day and one of them really suprised me how angry I was so I changed one of them to preferred readers. But there are no preferred readers (I can't get the thing to work right). What I think I'm getting at is maybe is that maybe my perception of reality might be kinda off. I mean, I'm not talking to 6ft tall pink bunny rabbits or anything. I think it has alot to do with the depression and it's accompanying horseman : paranoia, self-loathing, fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. It might be coloring my world colors that don't exist in nature. I could be seeing things in people and the world that just aren't there. This is very scary to me. I'm a very bottom line type of guy which is hard because this place is anything but. The people around me are anything but up front and truthful. With a few exceptions, granted. Yes I was drunk, an altered state to be sure. When I'm with people it's different, I'm goofy and slightly numb. When I'm alone, which is most of the time these days, it all gets dark and murky. I need to be around people outside of work more. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever gonna have a life if I stay there. Maybe I should try to see a shrink even though it means lying to my parents about it. Big Huge Lies. Or maybe I should just ...save everyone the trouble of dealing with me anymore? Just in time for the holidays! It's an odd thing to know that reality is shifting under your feet like so much sand. Hopefully my mental balance is better than my physical. I can't even rollerskate. I unlocked the blog. So just bare in mind I was piss-drunk and angry. Believe me when I say: I love more than I hate, and I love you all more than me. D-

Saturday, November 18, 2006 whatareyouwlookingat? Current mood: even more drunk? Never your furry kitten Not your favorite wrench You spin me like a top Skitter like a stone Down the block I'm a hard man to know Never been object of Desire I hide too much Or not enough I have a question mark For a heart No-one has my answer More fear than comfort Eyes betray the soul It never feels right Spirit out of phase Pernmanent twilight Painfully within the haze Too old to be me anymore Too young inside Sickness hasn't killed My soul just yet I'll leave that to people To finish me D- Saturday, November 18, 2006 Present Company Excluded Current mood: drunk Fuck off Leave me alone (I'm already alone) In my hell Lock the doors Turn off the lights I'll be in all night I'll hear all about it It's unavoidable I dare say I wasn't invited T'was not even a Thought So Fuck you So very muchly May you get hit By a bag of doorknobs Along with the screws Fuck the hell off Take your Saints Your Patrons Your Personal Jesus Your syphilus ridden genatalia Your vibrating pogo stick Your whispers and distain Your cars, buses and boats And the horse you rode in on And.... you guessed it Fuck You You wouldn't even say "Hi" After I helped you out I felt like a fool I guess I don't even rate On your things to do It's the failure to Judge character That confounds me Most The thought That you were more Was just a ghost You're all getting drunk Bleary-eyed and loud Happy to be with your Usual crowd You're all a part Of my current Discontent I don't have many Probably only a few Could count them on One hand People I could call Friend But I know how to be one It's to be me And not you In the end I can't stay mad for long My sickness won't let me It will turn to depression Energy deflated In on itself So I'll just crawl into bed Give the finger to the world And close my eyes See the new day start the same old way And not be suprised D- Friday, November 17, 2006 Liner Notes/Track List for mix cd Part 1 The title is : From A Poisoned Well : Live, Covers, Etc. As anyone that has recieved one of my mix cds I have an....eclectic taste in music to say the least. I'll be giving these out to whoever wants one as a holiday gift. What do I get out of this? I like putting these things together from an artistic standpoint and also to turn people onto music that they wouldn't ordinarily listen to. So, on with the show. Track 1. Talking To Mary by Elliott Smith This song was included with the latest "leaks" from the making of "From A Basement On The Hill" (Elliott's last postumously released album). It's a great song and thought it was a solid start to the cd. Track 2. Hold You In My Arms by Ray Lamontagne A great song an it's a compliment to the last song (which was accoustic) unabbashedly romantic, kinda remind me of Cat Stevens before he went nuts.... Track 3. Angel (Jimi Hendrix cover) by Fiona Apple I loved the original, and Fiona Apple is pretty awesome. Two great tastes that go great together. Track 4. One Tree Hill by U2 Started out as an in-joke for a friend, but this is a forgotten track off the "Joshua Tree" album that bears a listen. Track 5. One Day God's Gonna Cut you Down by Johnny Cash This one's off his last studio album and it's a cover and they actually made a video of it for mtv.. Track 6. I Can't Forget (Leonard Cohen Cover) by The Pixies "Yeah I loved you all my life And that's how I want to end it The summer's almost gone The winter's tuning up Yeah, the summer's gone But a lot goes on forever And I can't forget, I can't forget I can't forget but I don't remember what" Track 7. Mad World (R.E.M. cover) by Gary Jules Stumbled upon this track oddly enough a commercial for a videogame. It was also on the "Donnie Darko" sound track. The juxtapozition of kick-'splode shoot'em up video game with the song was pretty darn cool so I had to find the track. Track 8. Cold Brains by Beck Slightly more upbeat (yes there's a method to my madness). Beck's "throw the kitchen magnet words at the wall and write them down" song writing method works well with this cut. Very groovy. Track 9. Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell by The Flaming Lips Not a cover but the words.. "I was waiting on a moment But the moment never came...." "I was wanting you to love me But your love it never came...." "I must have been tripping Just ego tripping" Track 10. Bonnie Brae by The Twilight Singers This was my song on my myspace page for a while and the whole album "Powder Burns" is pretty awesome. It was also included on the show "Rescue Me" this season (as well as the soundtrack for the show). End of part one. D- Thursday, November 16, 2006 Chewbacca Everyday I go against everything I've learned so far The futility hasn't Bashed me over the head Like a recalcitrant dog With a rolled up newspaper I have to let go Know in my heart That it leads no-where I'm not the best student in life Even though I'm not as... Stupid as some My heart is the stupid one The massive energy Leads to no payoff No pot of gold No gratitude No gold metal For Chewbacca The service to the good Should be it's own reward But, baby, it ain't I collapse like a puppet With strings cut Alone with the creaks in my Bones Uninvited Everyday progress erased Sandcastles by the sea Learning to give up Not to care Letting go To those around you Is harder than I thought So I commit the same sin Everyday Submit to the void Not walk away. D- Alone In A Crowded Room I should have gone out I should have rode the bus Sat near the driver Earbuds drowning out the sounds Surrounded by downcast faces Walked the streets downtown alone Listened for sounds of life Maybe invited people who Wouldn't have shown anyway Found a bar where nobody knew me Sat down at the bar and ordered beer Looked around and thought up Everyone's stories Like always I wouldn't be given a second look I'd nurse my beer While the military people got drunk Shouting about football Over the din of the jukebox The noise always blots me out Like whispers over thunder In a few hours they'd all head out for the night Leaving me sitting with the bartender Maybe a drunk with his head on the bar Resting his eyes I'd finish my last beer Leave my payment and tip on the bar Walk out onto deserted streets Gather my coat around me against the cold And wait for the bus back home To sit in my room alone Just like I did Tonite D- Monday, November 13, 2006 Rainy Days and Mondays I went to Walmart today, or I should say the "new" Walmart in the next town. It was a dark and rainy day even if it just started out as grey. All I had on was my hoodie so I sent most of the time varying degrees of damp. I always feel guilty spending any money at "the Wal" because of the economic warfare that the company I work for engage in with them. I never get the chance to shop in my own store. You might as well be painted with a targeting (pun intended) laser like an Al Qaeda compound walking around there in red and kaki. All I want to do when I get a break is be elsewhere or on my ass. I saw a few people that defected over from my store there, it was weird. "Traitors!" part of me wanted to yell. These stores are always arranged like a patchwork, not unlike a flea market. The departments are strewn about like a retard kid's toys all over the floor. My co-workers and I have had a hope that the openning of the place would make our work load lighter. I had the dark hope that it would draw the stupid people away like squeezing the puss out of an infected toenail. Well, there are some things they carry that we don't and some of their prices are lower than ours. But the opposite could be said also so it's a stalemate. Walmart's company politics are pretty shitty, they only sell censored cds and movies. There are more than a few class action suits against them (including suits brought forth by employees). I could never work for them. I can understand people moving from our store to theirs. People do what they have to for some extra money. I mean, as much as I've come to loath some things about my store I couldn't in good conscience work for "the Wal". I did buy some socks though... Went over and got some Panda Express for dinner (gotta love that orange chicken) and ate back at home. Watched the football game on espn and nearly fell asleep. My Dad doens't have much energy these days so he dozed right along with me. I wish I could take some of the pain from him and carry it myself, I honestly do. One of my fellow co-workers talked me into trying out World of Warcraft. I took some time and tried it out today, I killed some animals smaller than me. Whoo *cough* Hoo. I'm sure it gets better, but my attention span has shrunk as of late. Plus subscribing to a game online smells too much like stale Cheetoes and flat Mountain Dew to me. Does that make sense? D-

Friday, January 05, 2007


Best Commercial Ever




I don't know what it's for but...

D-

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Wednesday, January 03, 2007


Think ( ing ) About The Future

With the new year upon me, I've been thinking about the future. I think my new years resolution last year was to learn to drive and to "get a life"
It appears I have done neither, but those type of resolutions (well, admittedly one of them) don't really get done. Getting a life is kind of a vague goal.
I've been thinking about the possibility of getting my own place. My parents have this small house in the back of our place that my sister and her family are living in now. It's about the size of a one bedroom apartment. I've always coveted that place hoping one day to have it for my own. Even with my niece and nephew growing like weeds it seems unlikely they will be moving out anytime soon. They always have one money making scheme or another all leading to them getting their own home.
Waiting for them isn't an option anymore, I fear.
When I lived with my ex we shared living expenses and I thought we were doing alright up until she kicked me to the curb. Of course from here to Baltimore is a pretty long fucking curb, but that's a alcohol soaked blog for another night.
To be honest I don't feel comfortable living with a room mate. Other than the one I was sleeping with being the exception. I'm just too paranoid and fucked in the head I think. Living at home and 'getting a life' seem to be at odds with each other. Not to mention I'm not getting any younger.
Please don't mention that. :)
I guess this leads up the point I've been dancing around : sex and the single male living at home. I guess I could have more of a possibility of having a social life if I had a place to bring people over to. Having friends over for drinks, etc. Not having to worry about a female friend encountering my father on her way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I can't be suave or debonair, I just have to be truthful about how my life is. As much as I wish that there was, there is no romance in my life.
With all the bad wiring in my head I'm beginning to wonder if part of me wants to suffer? Like the pain makes my empty existence mean something?
That may be too deep for me.
My new years resolution this year is "Try To Be Better".
Maybe that one I can do...

D-

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Monday, January 01, 2007


Auld Lang Syne

If this past year had a grave I would drink heavily, dance like Michael Flatley having an epilectic fit upon it, then piss a half gallon of 5 year old scotch all over it, then scream obscenities at the tombstone before I passed out in a bush nearby. I'd wake up the next day just in time to watch the deer eating the flowers left by mourners the day before. The tulli fog would be just enough cover so I could stumble home without the neighbors calling the cops on me.
I made the mistake of drinking tonite, bad choice with the cold an all. I have one of those headaches that feels like someone kicked me in the side of the head with a steel toed Doc Martin boot. I don't know whether to take some migrane pills or my blessed Nyquil (for my congested nose and cough).
Finally after trying to lay down with some music in my ears I just couldn't reconcile the pain I felt and fired up the computer.
I tend to think about things too much, which can be a pain in the ass sometimes. You can get overwhelmed with the minutia of a problem and not see the big picture. To combat that I've learned that doing something now is sometimes better. At least in normal life situations. But, when the thing you're thinking about is so personal and delicate it should take time. Unfortunately I fall into the same trap. I've had panic attacks over things like that. It's horrible.
People...people kill me, my life is a series of failures when it comes to people. Sometimes I wish I could beat myself into someone people liked. Someone who wouldn't get shit upon so much for being so awkward. Maybe it's this place, I'm surrounded by beautiful people everyday, it's a fantasy to feel like I belong here, that I'm wanted here. I try so hard to be someone people can rely on I lose myself in the strain and struggle of it all.
I can't help but step back and look at my life and wonder where it all went wrong.
"Happy new year, motherfucker. Can I help you find something?"
Help me find my smile. I already checked the lost and found.
"Would you like a raincheck?"
Anyway, Happy New Year people. Let the new year be better than the last.

D-


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Thursday, December 28, 2006


Everyone Leaves

the wind's cold embrace
we clutch at each other
like cats trying to grip slick tile
some claw at the air
into the blackness
alone in their orbit
everything headed down
(or up)
into whatever lies beyond
the breathing life
some are stoked in the embers
of love's embrace
glowing brightly
energy never to be
snuffed out
others incased in vacuum
to tumble endlessly
worse than death
aimless and empty
stuck in their downward spiral
leaving nothing but
trails of atoms
into the black
then gone
from sight

D-

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Saturday, November 11, 2006 Fiction and Dreams Books piled high Filled with impressions Of life laid flat Stories of love and death Great drama lit aflame Beauty made attainable Fiction and dreams It could never hold a candle To real love Warm like a family cat In one's chest Even in retrospect When the love is tainted With unrest and bitterness Even then When it's the only thing you know You try to keep it Even while it slips away Leaving you empty Like a book with no pages When the beauty of a sweet smile Leaves you sad inside Passion becomes self loathing All you want is to love.... Someone, anyone You want the pain to matter Even when everything means nothing When you become no-one to anyone You want to dream You need some ghost of a chance You need life to show you That hope isn't fiction Dreams laid flat On your shelf by the door With time yellowed Pages D- 1:32 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 The Other Shoe After mondays visit @ work I came in today wondering how it all would effect us. It must have sounded like a slaughterhouse processing veal in the meetings that day. All the managers looked shellshocked and demoralized, kind of like Ned Beatty after "that scene" in Deliverance. As with all things corporate it all trickled down and settled in the bottom (and smelled like a drainage ditch at Lolapalooza), namely on our shoulders. I won't get into the techno-babble of it all, but it's kind of like this. We are at war, trench warefare. Very little manpower, not enough ammo, everyone deaf and slightly crazy from fighting off an enemy that never lets up until nightfall. The generals want us all to take that hill and he's mad and crazy from syphilus climbing up his brainstem. Not enough ammo, not enough people, everyone is tired, soul-crushed and HE DOES NOT CARE. He knows what he wants and we have to do it or else. He's not the one who will give his life. It's our blood and our guts he will use to climb that hill. I am soul sick and tired of being on the verge of my cool snapping like a rotten floorboard. I used to like it here. I truly care about people here. I don't want to let anyone down. Right now I just know I don't want to lose it because I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I wish there was a third way out before the other shoe drops.... D- 1:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Monday, November 06, 2006 Do Not Resuscitate Needless to say, I awoke late in the day. My head felt like a bag of wet rocks and my mouth felt like a dry gravel road in the Sudan. I managed to stumble to the bathroom and nearly went back to sleep sitting there. Did I mention it was around 2 in the afternoon? I put myself back together in time for the parents to get home from Dad's almost daily radiation therapy. He caught himself a cold too so he wasn't very spritely to say the least, so he went to lay down. My Mom and I decided to go over to costco to get a roast chicken and some walnuts for holiday cookies. Cookies should be the only reason Christmas is allowed to go on at all. By the time I got dressed and got on the road I remembered that I forgot to take my meds. No wonder I felt like a bag of wet manure today! I was hungry so I got some pizza and we walked around looking at all the expensive crap we can't afford. When we got home Dad was still out cold until around 6pm so we ate a late supper and watched the Raiders get the crap kicked out of them (which is always fun) on Monday night football by the Seahawks. Eating a home cooked meal is a luxury to me since I've been working nights for so long. I retired to my room to around 9 to watch wrasslin' (one of my guilty pleasures) for a while when my Dad knocks on my door. He has in his hand a pamphlet what amounts to a living will. He tells me that since I'm the oldest child of the family that I, after my Mom, should be in charge of his last wishes (with my sis third in line). I looked over the papers and it was listing everything he did and didn't want to happen if the worst case senario should happen. If there was no hope of being brought back he didn't want to lay in bed like a vegetable on life support. He wanted to be cremated after his organs were harvested. I told him dryly "I sure hope they don't treat you like a yardsale while we're still in the room", recalling nightmare stories I'd heard on tv news magazine shows. My Dad shares my dark sense of humor. If there was no hope for him to come back fully he didn't want to be resuscitated. It's all scary as fuck, I don't mind admitting. This is what he wanted and I share alot of his concerns. Luckily this is far off in the distance and it's just words on a page right now otherwise....it would all be harder to take. I signed everything and gave him a hug (or as much of a hug I could because of the chemo machine). It's 3:16 in the morning now and the combo of the lack of antidepressents in my blood stream, my Dad's papers, and the last couple of days are weighing on me like bricks. I think I need to lay down... D- 3:25 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

The Toy Department of the Infinite Sadness It has been compared to building a house of cards in a tornado, building a sandcastle in a monsoon, but whatever you call it, it's working in the toy department on the weekend. This general feeling of moral distress was further exaserbated by series of visits by corporate weasels we are supposed to bow before and kill our first born for. But, my back hurts and my head is full of loose glass because I was there until a little before 1am in the morning because of said corporate weasels. If I were a violent man I'd be on a sandy hill with a 30 aught 6 rifle when they shuffled their desk idled asses into our fair store and make their heads into novelty ashtrays. If I was a mad dog killer. I'm not. Just a strange man no-one loves. Sweet monkey krist my head hurts, and I'm drunk. If someone else asks about Tickle Me Elmo anymore I'll puke on their shoes. Too many run-on sentences, sorry. I need some sleep.... D- 3:56 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 Typical Halloween I worked today, I should have asked for it off. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. There's just something so joyious about dressing up and running around in the dark. It's the holiday all the right people hate. Part of me knew that if I had asked for the day off that there would be nothing to do and no place to go. If I did work that day there would be all sorts of things to do but I'd be stuck at work. So, following my train of fucked up logic, I'd be screwed either way. It happened just like that. "I got a rock," as Charlie Brown said. It was relatively slow all night and even though we were short handed we were hopeful we'd get out of there early. That is, if we hadn't counted on the halloween costume dept. looking like it was ripped up and ravished by a gang of Orks. All the while I was waiting on a friend to return a call I made in return to her call to me. I thought at least I could spend a few hours with a friend the whole night wouldn't be a waste. I didn't hear from her until 1 am when she texted me that she had found a party to go to. Yep, just a typical Halloween. Sometimes ya just gotta lay there and wait for life to finish with you.... D- 6:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Mirage Current mood: uncomfortable I want to bury the thought of you Even if my heart warms itself on the memory Of the possibility of you You were what I thought I wanted It was all a mirage Something to keep my heart occupied While the loneliness drove me insane I honestly felt bad for you It's not as if you wanted it Even the thought of it Turned any kindness in you Into horror I can only beat myself up so much Even after all these years It gets a little old Even the anger is only Half hearted now Only a man like me Can turn something so Beautiful Into something so Ugly It seems D- 5:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Monday, October 30, 2006 Unknown and Uncomfortable Current mood: contemplative I'm beginning to wonder whether this blog is a healthy excercise or not. On one hand it's good to get all of this stuff out of my mind and see it floating on the screen. On the other, maybe it just paints me as more of a weirdo than I already am. Lord knows I don't want the villagers to come to the house with pitchforks and axes and run me out of town (yes, that was a Frankenstein reference). I shouldn't really care what people think of me, but I kinda do. It comes part and parcel with having low self esteem. Even if you hate yourself you want some people to like you. Otherwise what's the point of leaving the house? Or maybe only the few folks that have told me they've read it read it. It's not really an ego thing, I just wonder if I'm just shouting in the dark (which isn't so bad because then I don't censor myself). Maybe I'm not getting any feedback because people are uncomfortable? This is quite certainly a logical arguement. Everyone I know seems to be isolated into cliques, invisible bubbles of society that can only be peirced by military training and large amounts of alcohol. Unknown and Uncomfortable, that's a disturbing combination. I don't like secrets, and I also like to know where the knife is coming from. Being naive about social circles makes me wonder if I don't belong in a cave by myself, raising feral cats, and throwing my feces at lost tourists. If anyone is wondering about the new profile pic it was taken at the corn-maze in Watsonville. Some really nice people from work were sweet enough to include me and I just want to say thanks again. Maybe the geek can come in from the cold..... D- 2:02 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Saturday, October 28, 2006 uneven Current mood: numb I'm completely spent It had to happen sometime It wasn't like hitting a brick wall it was more like the crumble of rotten wood picked away by termites i haven't the patience anymore i'm fresh out of funny lines no pithy lies i wonder if i'm even me anymore or was it just the absence of you was it all just something else walking in my skin does a cup mean anything if there's nothing to fill it with all i have is hollow aches attached to hollow eyes numb fingers with nothing to touch i want to scream but i cannot haven't the energy oh well i might mean nothing to you but i mean even less to me i guess that makes us uneven d- 2:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Friday, October 27, 2006 Hollow & Chaffed Current mood: morose I had so many focused intentions about today. But, as usual with everything in my life, it all turned to shit quite quickly. If I could descibe it, the mood I had coming in today was "in mourning". Lately our phone has been ringing off the hook. Telemarketers, election shit, as well as relatives who want to check in on my Dad. Plus one of my Mom's older friends, with whom she has been helping with her errands since her husband passed away, is always calling about something. The treatment my Dad is undergoing is really taking the wind out of his sails. The doctors have been bombarding him with folders and pamphlets about his treatment and the sumo-wrestler's ass-load of side effects the feel he needs to be aware of. I try to be positive for him, but I feel useless because I can only sit there while he hurts. I tried to stay focused like I resolved to do at work but it still felt like there was a fog over everything I did. When lunchtime rolled around I really felt like I needed people around me. I don't like eating alone most of the time, I needed someone to talk to. If I find someone to eat with me I always try to treat, because the way I figure it it's the least I can do for putting up with me. I went and got my lunch and looked in the breakroom. There was no one there so I went into the meeting room next door. I listened to my Ipod, ate, and thought about things. I felt very alone, I don't have anyone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. My family is as scared shitless as I am. I have to be strong for my Mom so I can't show any chinks in my armor. I ate about half of my sandwich and feel kinda sick. "It's bad enough I can't help my Dad," I thought, "I can't even help myself." I put my head in my hands and cried. I hadn't cried at work in a long time, not since my ex was ripping my heart out (long distance style) a couple of years ago. It didn't help matters that I was working with a psycho boss at the time in the garden center. "At least this time I wasn't on the bathroom floor", I thought gravely. Today I sat there and got it all out, cleaned up my mess, and went back to work. My eyes felt raw and my face probably looked like a train wreck. Not that it mattered, because no one noticed. The rest of the night just annoyed me like working there tends to do these days. It didn't help matters I felt hollow and chaffed inside. I'm contemplating getting drunk but I know it never helps matters. I just don't know what to do anymore... D- 1:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Thursday, October 26, 2006 prayer for wednesday Current mood: discontent I have to learn to focus. I need to avoid those memories that damage my calm. I have to stop thinking so much. I need to force my way through it on a wave of focused energy. I need tunnel vision. I need the past to leave me alone at least for a day. I need to be resolute and cold. I need to stamp any sign of weakness out of my soul. I need my energy and adrenaline not to fail me. I need to not feel so damn much. I need to want nothing. I need to stop stealing with my eyes that which I cannot have. I have to forget that the day leads back to loneliness and yearning. I have to not be useless. D- 3:10 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -