Saturday, November 11, 2006 Fiction and Dreams Books piled high Filled with impressions Of life laid flat Stories of love and death Great drama lit aflame Beauty made attainable Fiction and dreams It could never hold a candle To real love Warm like a family cat In one's chest Even in retrospect When the love is tainted With unrest and bitterness Even then When it's the only thing you know You try to keep it Even while it slips away Leaving you empty Like a book with no pages When the beauty of a sweet smile Leaves you sad inside Passion becomes self loathing All you want is to love.... Someone, anyone You want the pain to matter Even when everything means nothing When you become no-one to anyone You want to dream You need some ghost of a chance You need life to show you That hope isn't fiction Dreams laid flat On your shelf by the door With time yellowed Pages D- 1:32 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 The Other Shoe After mondays visit @ work I came in today wondering how it all would effect us. It must have sounded like a slaughterhouse processing veal in the meetings that day. All the managers looked shellshocked and demoralized, kind of like Ned Beatty after "that scene" in Deliverance. As with all things corporate it all trickled down and settled in the bottom (and smelled like a drainage ditch at Lolapalooza), namely on our shoulders. I won't get into the techno-babble of it all, but it's kind of like this. We are at war, trench warefare. Very little manpower, not enough ammo, everyone deaf and slightly crazy from fighting off an enemy that never lets up until nightfall. The generals want us all to take that hill and he's mad and crazy from syphilus climbing up his brainstem. Not enough ammo, not enough people, everyone is tired, soul-crushed and HE DOES NOT CARE. He knows what he wants and we have to do it or else. He's not the one who will give his life. It's our blood and our guts he will use to climb that hill. I am soul sick and tired of being on the verge of my cool snapping like a rotten floorboard. I used to like it here. I truly care about people here. I don't want to let anyone down. Right now I just know I don't want to lose it because I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I wish there was a third way out before the other shoe drops.... D- 1:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Monday, November 06, 2006 Do Not Resuscitate Needless to say, I awoke late in the day. My head felt like a bag of wet rocks and my mouth felt like a dry gravel road in the Sudan. I managed to stumble to the bathroom and nearly went back to sleep sitting there. Did I mention it was around 2 in the afternoon? I put myself back together in time for the parents to get home from Dad's almost daily radiation therapy. He caught himself a cold too so he wasn't very spritely to say the least, so he went to lay down. My Mom and I decided to go over to costco to get a roast chicken and some walnuts for holiday cookies. Cookies should be the only reason Christmas is allowed to go on at all. By the time I got dressed and got on the road I remembered that I forgot to take my meds. No wonder I felt like a bag of wet manure today! I was hungry so I got some pizza and we walked around looking at all the expensive crap we can't afford. When we got home Dad was still out cold until around 6pm so we ate a late supper and watched the Raiders get the crap kicked out of them (which is always fun) on Monday night football by the Seahawks. Eating a home cooked meal is a luxury to me since I've been working nights for so long. I retired to my room to around 9 to watch wrasslin' (one of my guilty pleasures) for a while when my Dad knocks on my door. He has in his hand a pamphlet what amounts to a living will. He tells me that since I'm the oldest child of the family that I, after my Mom, should be in charge of his last wishes (with my sis third in line). I looked over the papers and it was listing everything he did and didn't want to happen if the worst case senario should happen. If there was no hope of being brought back he didn't want to lay in bed like a vegetable on life support. He wanted to be cremated after his organs were harvested. I told him dryly "I sure hope they don't treat you like a yardsale while we're still in the room", recalling nightmare stories I'd heard on tv news magazine shows. My Dad shares my dark sense of humor. If there was no hope for him to come back fully he didn't want to be resuscitated. It's all scary as fuck, I don't mind admitting. This is what he wanted and I share alot of his concerns. Luckily this is far off in the distance and it's just words on a page right now otherwise....it would all be harder to take. I signed everything and gave him a hug (or as much of a hug I could because of the chemo machine). It's 3:16 in the morning now and the combo of the lack of antidepressents in my blood stream, my Dad's papers, and the last couple of days are weighing on me like bricks. I think I need to lay down... D- 3:25 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

The Toy Department of the Infinite Sadness It has been compared to building a house of cards in a tornado, building a sandcastle in a monsoon, but whatever you call it, it's working in the toy department on the weekend. This general feeling of moral distress was further exaserbated by series of visits by corporate weasels we are supposed to bow before and kill our first born for. But, my back hurts and my head is full of loose glass because I was there until a little before 1am in the morning because of said corporate weasels. If I were a violent man I'd be on a sandy hill with a 30 aught 6 rifle when they shuffled their desk idled asses into our fair store and make their heads into novelty ashtrays. If I was a mad dog killer. I'm not. Just a strange man no-one loves. Sweet monkey krist my head hurts, and I'm drunk. If someone else asks about Tickle Me Elmo anymore I'll puke on their shoes. Too many run-on sentences, sorry. I need some sleep.... D- 3:56 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Wednesday, November 01, 2006 Typical Halloween I worked today, I should have asked for it off. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. There's just something so joyious about dressing up and running around in the dark. It's the holiday all the right people hate. Part of me knew that if I had asked for the day off that there would be nothing to do and no place to go. If I did work that day there would be all sorts of things to do but I'd be stuck at work. So, following my train of fucked up logic, I'd be screwed either way. It happened just like that. "I got a rock," as Charlie Brown said. It was relatively slow all night and even though we were short handed we were hopeful we'd get out of there early. That is, if we hadn't counted on the halloween costume dept. looking like it was ripped up and ravished by a gang of Orks. All the while I was waiting on a friend to return a call I made in return to her call to me. I thought at least I could spend a few hours with a friend the whole night wouldn't be a waste. I didn't hear from her until 1 am when she texted me that she had found a party to go to. Yep, just a typical Halloween. Sometimes ya just gotta lay there and wait for life to finish with you.... D- 6:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Mirage Current mood: uncomfortable I want to bury the thought of you Even if my heart warms itself on the memory Of the possibility of you You were what I thought I wanted It was all a mirage Something to keep my heart occupied While the loneliness drove me insane I honestly felt bad for you It's not as if you wanted it Even the thought of it Turned any kindness in you Into horror I can only beat myself up so much Even after all these years It gets a little old Even the anger is only Half hearted now Only a man like me Can turn something so Beautiful Into something so Ugly It seems D- 5:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Monday, October 30, 2006 Unknown and Uncomfortable Current mood: contemplative I'm beginning to wonder whether this blog is a healthy excercise or not. On one hand it's good to get all of this stuff out of my mind and see it floating on the screen. On the other, maybe it just paints me as more of a weirdo than I already am. Lord knows I don't want the villagers to come to the house with pitchforks and axes and run me out of town (yes, that was a Frankenstein reference). I shouldn't really care what people think of me, but I kinda do. It comes part and parcel with having low self esteem. Even if you hate yourself you want some people to like you. Otherwise what's the point of leaving the house? Or maybe only the few folks that have told me they've read it read it. It's not really an ego thing, I just wonder if I'm just shouting in the dark (which isn't so bad because then I don't censor myself). Maybe I'm not getting any feedback because people are uncomfortable? This is quite certainly a logical arguement. Everyone I know seems to be isolated into cliques, invisible bubbles of society that can only be peirced by military training and large amounts of alcohol. Unknown and Uncomfortable, that's a disturbing combination. I don't like secrets, and I also like to know where the knife is coming from. Being naive about social circles makes me wonder if I don't belong in a cave by myself, raising feral cats, and throwing my feces at lost tourists. If anyone is wondering about the new profile pic it was taken at the corn-maze in Watsonville. Some really nice people from work were sweet enough to include me and I just want to say thanks again. Maybe the geek can come in from the cold..... D- 2:02 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos -

Saturday, October 28, 2006 uneven Current mood: numb I'm completely spent It had to happen sometime It wasn't like hitting a brick wall it was more like the crumble of rotten wood picked away by termites i haven't the patience anymore i'm fresh out of funny lines no pithy lies i wonder if i'm even me anymore or was it just the absence of you was it all just something else walking in my skin does a cup mean anything if there's nothing to fill it with all i have is hollow aches attached to hollow eyes numb fingers with nothing to touch i want to scream but i cannot haven't the energy oh well i might mean nothing to you but i mean even less to me i guess that makes us uneven d- 2:07 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Friday, October 27, 2006 Hollow & Chaffed Current mood: morose I had so many focused intentions about today. But, as usual with everything in my life, it all turned to shit quite quickly. If I could descibe it, the mood I had coming in today was "in mourning". Lately our phone has been ringing off the hook. Telemarketers, election shit, as well as relatives who want to check in on my Dad. Plus one of my Mom's older friends, with whom she has been helping with her errands since her husband passed away, is always calling about something. The treatment my Dad is undergoing is really taking the wind out of his sails. The doctors have been bombarding him with folders and pamphlets about his treatment and the sumo-wrestler's ass-load of side effects the feel he needs to be aware of. I try to be positive for him, but I feel useless because I can only sit there while he hurts. I tried to stay focused like I resolved to do at work but it still felt like there was a fog over everything I did. When lunchtime rolled around I really felt like I needed people around me. I don't like eating alone most of the time, I needed someone to talk to. If I find someone to eat with me I always try to treat, because the way I figure it it's the least I can do for putting up with me. I went and got my lunch and looked in the breakroom. There was no one there so I went into the meeting room next door. I listened to my Ipod, ate, and thought about things. I felt very alone, I don't have anyone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. My family is as scared shitless as I am. I have to be strong for my Mom so I can't show any chinks in my armor. I ate about half of my sandwich and feel kinda sick. "It's bad enough I can't help my Dad," I thought, "I can't even help myself." I put my head in my hands and cried. I hadn't cried at work in a long time, not since my ex was ripping my heart out (long distance style) a couple of years ago. It didn't help matters that I was working with a psycho boss at the time in the garden center. "At least this time I wasn't on the bathroom floor", I thought gravely. Today I sat there and got it all out, cleaned up my mess, and went back to work. My eyes felt raw and my face probably looked like a train wreck. Not that it mattered, because no one noticed. The rest of the night just annoyed me like working there tends to do these days. It didn't help matters I felt hollow and chaffed inside. I'm contemplating getting drunk but I know it never helps matters. I just don't know what to do anymore... D- 1:40 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -

Thursday, October 26, 2006 prayer for wednesday Current mood: discontent I have to learn to focus. I need to avoid those memories that damage my calm. I have to stop thinking so much. I need to force my way through it on a wave of focused energy. I need tunnel vision. I need the past to leave me alone at least for a day. I need to be resolute and cold. I need to stamp any sign of weakness out of my soul. I need my energy and adrenaline not to fail me. I need to not feel so damn much. I need to want nothing. I need to stop stealing with my eyes that which I cannot have. I have to forget that the day leads back to loneliness and yearning. I have to not be useless. D- 3:10 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos -