Thursday, July 06, 2006


Captain Emo
Current mood: blah

Back when I was in school I tried my best to be invisible. If I wasn't then I got picked on, pushed around, etc, et. al. Don't raise your hand in class, don't do anything unusual, keep your mouth shut. It didn't help things that I had the social skills of a scared cat. Needless to say I didn't date. I had one female friend in seniors english. She was dating a guy in the military at the time. She was nice to me. I had a mad crush on her and then after we graduated I didn't see her again.
Overall I dressed pretty normally, except when I wore an Indiana Jones hat ( I got the nick name "Indiana" for a bit, real original). I couldn't imagine going to school wearing eye liner, white pancake makup, and have my hair dyed black and hanging over one eye. Might as well have painted a bullseye on my back and put a blindfold on.
Although I do remember one kid who was into the Cure, he used to hang out in the drama classroom. Heh, big suprise.
I know it's all about self expression. Inner angst painted on the outside for the world to see. I admit it takes some guts to face that kind of ridicule and possible ass-beatings. I know I couldn't have taken that. But the thing is it never looks as good on you as it does on the people you're trying to emulate.
It's kind of like halloween costumes and people in the movies. Look at the way Christian Bale looks dressed as Batman in "Batman Returns". Then look at a normal guy dressed in a store bought Batman costume. Quite a bit of difference, no?
Those guys in AFI and My Chemical Romance have make-up artists and wardrobe that travel with them. Unless you want to invest alot of time and money into your "look" to make it look halfway decent I'd suggest just wearing a concert t-shirt from Hot Topic.
Oh yeah, you've seen those old pictures of your parents dressed in those weird clothes and even sporting a buffed up mullet? Imagine what your kids are going to see when you're older? The questions they'll ask!
But hey, at least you're not as pathetic as those white dudes with the gold teeth who think they're the next 50 cent.
Eyeliner washes out, stupid doesn't.
And besides, guys shouldn't wear make-up unless they're shooting a movie involving aliens or head trauma. Or if they're a practicing transvestite. Or a rockstar with lots of security, like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars.
But hey, to each his own. It's still a free country last I checked....

D-

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Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Quest For Fire
Current mood: tired

I guess I'm kind of a romantic. Even if I am a weird one. I don't really believe in marriage, I think that if two people love each other you shouldn't need a piece of paper to bind you. If you love someone you stay with that person through thick and thin. There are too many miserable married people in this world.
You see these lavish weddings on tv that cost buttloads of money. Hell, you could buy a house with the money they spend on the fucking dress the bride wears! And then a year or so later, dones-ville. Over!
If there's one thing I do believe in it's love. When love is involved anything is possible. It's the one drug you can't buy on the corner. It's the elusive gremlin hanging from the rafters. You can't hold it in your hand but you can Feel It. When you lose it you feel less than you were. Kind of like amputees that still feel their legs afterwards.
It's kind of like what the cavepeople thought of fire. You can't possess fire. You can find it, make it burn longer, build your world around it. If it goes away, since you're a caveman/woman, you hope lightning strikes again.
For some of us lightning strikes just the once. We all find ways to fill the voids in our lives.
I for one, hope it strikes me again someday. I would only hope that the fates aren't that cruel as to leave me alone for the rest of my life. If I have one hope in life, it's that someone will look at me with love in thier eyes again. There are people in my life I wish I knew better, even though I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. Sometimes I wonder if wanting that is too much to ask. That having someone like me around is too much of an imposition. Or maybe it's the self-loathing and paranioa from the depression talking.
Maybe I should put myself on the shelf and try again someplace else?
Whatever that means, it's late and I'm tired....

D-

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Monday, July 03, 2006


0123

The reality of it all
Is slick like glass
I claw at the edges
Sliding like a cat
I just need something real
It's all just fog and noise
Without the emotion

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Sunday, July 02, 2006


Post-Nasal Drip
Current mood: drained

My head feels like an over-ripe melon. This damn head cold has stuck to me like hot bubblegum for the last couple days. Today was also rather shitty because yesturday I didn't get to the pharmacy in time to get my meds. So, I was sans mood-improvers today. Put the two together and you have monkee-shit trail mix, fresh and hot, from my over inflated nasal cavity. MMMmmmmm.
I guess it wasn't all bad, I didn't have to play the team lead today. Also it didn't hurt that it was my favorite team lead working today either. It matters alot in retail who you work with on a daily basis. It seems the new faces are starting to outnumber the familiar ones. I'm just not sure how I fit in anymore.
Not that I fit in anywhere, really.

D-


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Friday, June 30, 2006


when I go, don't you follow

You're the smoke signal from my heart
The crack of moonlight on my wall
That profound thought that escapes me
The sound of the waves crashing near the highway
That forgotten good dream upon waking
The thing that calms me when I can't sleep
The ragged hope that it might be better someday
Before it all slips away
You never call, you never write
But I can't get mad
It's the scant hope
The thought of the dream
The razor-thin 1 percentile
The post-continuity alternate reality
The fan written slash fiction
The unpublished what if story
That has me here
Wondering.
At 2:45 in the morning

D-

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Thursday, June 29, 2006


The Joys of Being Awkward

Let me tell you something about my family. When I was growing up I was what you call a social outcast. When I was in elementary school I used to give my toys away to kids so they wouldn't kick my ass on the playground. I was nearsighted and didn't know it so I couldn't see them coming within a few feet either. I escaped into things I could see, books, tv, and movies. My parents were my best friends in most cases. My Mom in particular. I can safely say that without her in my life I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I would have ended it long ago. She is, and I've checked this out with the Vatican, truly a saint.
My Dad, grumpy old sod, doesn't like going to the movies. Either he complains about the prices or, as with the new theatre in town, the volume level. On the other hand my Mom loves going to the movies. We're not rich people so the family and I don't have the option to go on vacations. So the movies is one of the things she and I enjoy.
Since I've been working I pay for everything. Tickets, Popcorn, and soda. My ex used to make fun of me that "I took my Mom out on dates" when we still had a long distance relationship. I thought it was another cutting remark to make me feel bad. I dunno, maybe she was right in a way.
So anyway, I had been trying to get people I know from work and myspace to come see the movie with me. A few of you replied to me, which I want to thank you for. It really meant alot to me. I was really excited about this and wanted to share.Of course my Mom wanted to go since she loved the Christopher Reeve and George Reeve Superman stuff.
As it all unfolded, I got this gnawing feeling at the back of my head.
"What if they think I'm a momma's boy or something?"
We all like to think that we don't care about what people think of us. Maybe it all adds up to vanity in the end.
One of the things I related to in Superman Returns is he's really kind of a voyuer in some ways. He's the last of his kind. When he's plain old Clark, Lois wouldn't give him the time of day. Here he is sputtering to get a word in and she's walking away from him. When he's Superman everyone looks at him in awe and women want to mount him. He can only overhear from orbit what a normal life sounds like. The most powerful being on the planet just wants someone to look at while eating toast in the morning.
Well, I can relate to the Clark part anyway.

D-

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Superman Returns mini-review

Admittedly, I had my doubts about Superman Returns. When you see any comic book adaptation, and you yourself are a comic enthuiast, there are moments when it bursts into flames. Something doesn't ring true, doesn't feel right. Whatever joy you had about seeing your favorite character on the big screen evaporates into so many ashes. You want to stand in your chair and scream at the screen like Donald Sutherland in "Invasion of the Body-Snatchers".
Fantastic Four
Batman and Robin
Daredevil
...and on and on.
Superman Returns wraps you up in a big red blanket and you're 9 years old running around the house jumping off funiture. Sure if you were nit-picky like most geeks with a net connection you could point out problems with the film. This film made me feel good. Period.
It was big valentine to The Big Blue Boyscout. Brandon Routh is an inspired choice for the role. He had both strength and vulnerability as Clark/Superman adding alot of depth to a character that could have been played too broadly. Kevin Spacey made a very smart and cruel Lex Luthor (less cartoony than Gene Hackman). The cast was top notch overall.
The special effects were outstanding. Without giving anything away part of it choked me up. It was a great movie in my opinion. 2 thumbs up!
As for all the people on the web who have been acting like chicken little about all the "gay stuff" being smeared about the ether. Those people should grow the fuck up, and probably, shove it up their asses (they aparently aren't secure enough in their manhood anyway).
Everyone loves Superman in their own way and there's nothing wrong with that. Welcome back Kal-el, we missed you.

D-

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Everything is never going to be ok.

Work was pretty horrible today. The store is getting bigger, but the staff is getting smaller. I felt like I was going to be sick. There was supposed to be a bigwig coming in the morning. I had to be the "team leader" for my part of the store.
As Charlie Brown used to say "Good Grief".
The depression tends to get over on me when I'm under stress. I start to feel the futility of it all.
Someone once said that if you do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome: you're a fool.
You can offer your hand in friendship but you can't make them take it.
Or is that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?
Loving someone and they not loving you is the loneliest feeling in the world.
People's ears really don't burn when you talk of them when they're not around.
Overhearing someone making plans on a night you asked them to do something and they said they had to work?
Priceless.
The lie is sometimes more heartbreaking than the truth.
Sometimes the option of running away keeps me here.
The flaws are what make beauty, perfection is dull.
Yeah, I put the p***y on a pedestal. I saw that movie too.
Even though I haven't believed in god for a while everytime I wake up I think "god help me make it through....".
You know, come to think of it, owner of a lonely heart IS much better than owner of a broken heart.
I fear I'm becomming like my dad.
I'm rambling.

D-

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Monday, June 26, 2006


"Why are you so angry?"

There's someone at my work that has been asking me "What's wrong Daniel? Why are you so unhappy?". At that point I manage a smile and say "I'm okay." or something to that effect. I guess I'm not as self concious as I thought. I used to think I put up a decent enough poker-face, but I guess not. One person told me I looked "so serious" when I walked around work.
I guess it's another case of "perception = reality".
It's the depression, odviously. The new drug is helping it but I guess it's something else. I want to change my life but I just don't have the energy available. So I just keep going and it's wearing me down.
When I had someone to love I found that things were different. I could focus on her and making her happy. My problems got smaller. I wasn't alone. I got more sleep, had more fun, and sex is alot better when not done solo.
Being in love is life's anti-depressent.
Well, that's over and I don't see anyone in my life now stepping into that Oh So wanted role. I'm a decent enough guy, I think, when you get to know me. Weird, yes, very much so I guess. But are any of us truly normal?
Wait, don't answer that.....

D-

Currently watching :
The Venture Bros. - Season One
Release date: By 30 May, 2006

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"go home and live with your pain"

at a party he was waiting
looking kind of spooky and withdrawn
like he could be underwater
the mighty mother with her hundred arms
swept all aside
i hate to walk behind other people's ambition
i saw you waiting
saint like
with your warning
leave alone
you don't belong here
he got nervous
started whistling
every thought a ricochet
did you notice?
well i wondered
what's the worst thing i could say?
and i froze up and sighed
you remind me of someones daughter
i forgot her
i forgot her name ashamed
go home and live with your pain
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
and when i go
don't you follow
leave alone
leave alone 'cos you know you don't belong
you don't belong here
slip out quiet
nobody's looking
leave alone
you don't belong here

"No Name #1" by Elliott Smith

Currently listening :
Roman Candle
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 14 July, 1995

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Monday, June 12, 2006


Don't Get Around Much Anymore...
Current mood: contemplative

Those of you who know me know I live at home with my parents. When I was living with my ex it was the first time I lived outside my hometown much less my home state. It was a culture shock times 12. Ask anyone who has lived on the east and west coast, people are different. For one thing, it's easier to find a english language FM radio station on the east coast than it is here. The part of Baltimore I lived could be described as a lower middle class town. White folks and black folks depending what block you went down. People there were generally friendly and were more likely talk to someone they didn't know. They would find any reason to have a cookout or a party. I went to more parties there than I ever did in CA.Which isn't saying alot since I can count on three fingers the parties I've been to here. One thing I will always remember about my ex's family, they went out of their way to make me feel like I belonged there. Hell, the first time I got drunk Ever was at party doing lemon shots with my ex's daughter. Sure they were a bit white trash fabulous (alot of Afro-Crackers: meaning white dudes who think they're 2 Pac and Nascar Dads) but dammit if they weren't friendly.
Waitresses called you Hun or Sweetie, I always got a kick out of that.
Which isn't to say that it was all fun, the summers were godawful. 90 degrees 100 percent humidity. Walking on icey sidewalks and waiting by a busstop wasn't too fun in the winter. The snow was pretty to see, though.
Having my heart broken into confetti wasn't the best way to end the first time on my own.The good, the bad, and the ugly. What's gone is gone.
I'm back here now, people here are the same as when I left. Everyone has something going on. Nobody has time to talk to the shy guy and get to know him. It's like everyone is in their own bubble of self interest....
But this is my home, I just have to learn to live here and somehow make it work again. I'm an alien no matter where I go.

D-

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Saturday, June 10, 2006


Hopless Romance
Current mood: drained

My heart skips a beat
Like the old songs say
I feel that old feeling
Half giddy
Half terror
And I just want to
Kick my own ass
I wonder if she knows
How she effects me?
Or if she thinks I'm
"Differently-Abled"
Funny in the head
Of course she's so nice
About it or just
Ignores it
Maybe it's just my
Paranoia infested brain
I'm reasonably sure it doesn't cross
Her mind
That she's so beautiful to me
That it balls me up inside
That I would do anything
For her
Just to know her
Inside
I tell myself she doesn't want me
Like that
That's she's out of my league
Out of reach
I wish I could cut it out
Make it go away
File it in a drawer
Put it in a safe
Shoot it out of a cannon
Like H.S.T.
Give it a viking funeral
But in the end it's part of me
Hopless romantic
Or maybe just hopless
Another dream
Behind a sand dune
By the sea

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Thursday, June 08, 2006


Wouldn't it be nice?
Current mood: contemplative

Sometimes I wonder
If I'm as bad as I think
If there's a fairly decent human
Sleeping in my bed
If it's all been a folly
Up inside my head
That's conspiring against me
That one day they'll say
"All is forgiven...
Go about your merry way"
And I'll be free of the prison
I inhabit today
That the sun will shine
All over my face
That a cool breeze will find me
That my feet will find their place
That life will open up
Like a flower in bloom
That people will find me
And say "welcome home!"
I won't find a doubt
Deep in my bones
The ice in my heart
Will break and bead
That I won't mind crying
They will be tears of joy
That the relief will be
Overwelming
Thoughts of death
Replaced with thoughts of
...Heaven?
Life would be good
The ground would be solid
It makes sense now
There is a reason
It was all a bad dream
It starts anew
Right this instance
Could it be?
Yer kiddnig me
Just like *snap*
That?
Wouldn't it be nice?

Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006

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Wednesday, June 07, 2006


If you only knew
Current mood: artistic

If you only knew
How much I agonized over this
If you only knew
The depth of my feelings
If you only knew
What I could do if I knew
There there was a chance
That no obstacle would be
Insurmountable
If I knew
That life had some meaning
Beyond night and day
Day after day
That love was mine
That it was there
Staring back at me
That it was solid
Like a sword in my hand
That could kill my demons
And finally live again
That I knew it
That it was mine
If you only knew
How beautiful you are
If I could show you
If you could see it
Reflected in my eyes
And believe in me
And see me
And not just the...
Weirdness of my...
Manner
The shyness of my ways
It's hard to be so full of
Passion
And not be able to
Show it
If I must go on
Living alone
I might as well
Leave pieces of me
Behind

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Wednesday, May 31, 2006


The Wrath of Blog
Current mood: cranky

The day pretty much sucked, the store is shifting around like an obsene cubist nightmare. Walls are coming down, transformation smells like chicken fried bowling balls and sounds like garbage trucks giving birth in a echo chamber. Retail box store designed by the Fisher King, as hairy and ugly as a wildabeast rutting with Robin Williams.
I was in electronics tonite, they want to call the counter "the bridge". All that's missing is the blood red lights, whooting sirens, and a ensign in a red shirt burned and crying for his momma.
"Ah, Kirk, my old friend. I would ask you how many mega-pixels this camera is!?"
"I......Don't-know...my...computer-is-smashed...."
The little white pill ain't no good for that, I need something that will make me a walking zombie. Unable to think for myself and can slave away for my corporate masters like a good little citizen. Make me smile that ricktus smile they want to much, for the good of the 'body'.
It is the will of Landru!
(google it, for I am old and eccentric)
I wish I could fake being happy, if i could fake that I could do just about anything. Sell ice to eskimos (global warming, y'see) even.
Mahalo,

D-


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Monday, May 29, 2006


Ah, if only...
Current mood: annoyed

If only it were that easy
If it was like a passing feeling
That rare thunderstorm
That dollar you find in your pants pocket
You never knew you had
That chill you get walking past
The graveyard
The black cat crossing the road
In front of you
The cold you get as winter looms
Rare but familiar
But disconcerting
Nevertheless
Eat some vitamin c
Wear a coat and hat
Choose a different route
It's all in your head
Do You feel better now?
Why are you always so down all the time?
You need to look at the positive side!
Cheer up!
You're bumming everyone out!
It's not so bad.
We worry about you
We don't say it, but...
You know how it is
We can't help but notice
You shouldn't say anything about it
Keep it to yourself
We're your friends, well...
Not really
We're in your imminent
Domain!
(that didn't come out right...)
I don't know what to say.
Don't be so hard on yourself!
It's always darkest before down!
(that sounded cheesey...)
We're here for you!
(when it's socially convienient)
We're all so busy, y'know.
Life doesn't revolve around you
And your problems
Life goes on!
Like the old song.
Obla Dee Obla Dah
It's when life gives you lemon
Make lemonade!
Be a trooper
Be a man
Pull yourself up
By your bootstraps!
Life is a pagent
Get in line!
Follow the parade!
Cheer Up!
Life is grand!
It's your fault
If it's not for you.
Turn that frown
Upside down!
Be a sport.
Pretend to be happy!
Life is a stage
We are all merely players
(wait, Shakespeare said that....)
You get the idea
See ya around


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Sunday, May 28, 2006


6 things repost

I have found out several things:

1) I have to find the reason to make the pain of life worth living through.

2) It's all just become a march into nothingness without knowing that love, hope, and human kindness is within reach.

3) We seek out that which we do not have within ourselves in other people.

4) Sometimes hope comes from those who you least expect it to.

5) Being shy doesn't mean you're unobservant.

6) Cake is better when chocolate or coconut is involved.

Mahalo,

D-

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Thursday, May 25, 2006


Bizzaroland
Current mood: contemplative

I was talking to someone on my friends list last night and she made a suggestion about my blog. That maybe I should talk about how I'd like things to be. Kind of like a "what if?" story. I said I'd give it a try.
A tale from BizzaroLand Dan.
I started my day around noon. I was up late putting the finishing touches on the art piece so it could be ready for the big unvieling in San Fransisco. It doesn't really matter if it gets sold or not since I don't need the money after winning the lottery a year ago. I live in a nice big home with my studio on the top floor. If I look out my window I can see the ocean.
I go to my computer and check my e-mail, my inbox is filled with e-mail from people coming to the party tonite. The season finale of Lost is on and I'm throwing a b-b-q. My freezer is full of steaks and chicken, beers and cokes for the small crowd arriving later.
The woman of my dreams is going to be here in a couple hours just in time to help me prepare everything. She was away on business and I'm dying to see her. She says she has a suprise for me, I hope it's as big as the one I have for her. Although I've been told you can't go wrong with diamonds.
I have just enough time to run over to the comic book shop to get my books. The place is well lit and puts Borders Books to shame but treats everyone like a small neighborhood shop. I stop at Carls for some to-go food just in case she's hungry when she gets home.
As I pull up I see her silver Mercades in the driveway. I pull up and she's taking her luggage out of the trunk. I run over and grab her and kiss her. She feels so good in my arms. After a moment (or three) I help her bring her stuff inside. Before I get a chance to kiss her again she says she badly needs a shower and I let her go.
I put my food and books on the kitchen table, and decide to wait to eat until she gets out. I go into my living room and flip on my huge flat screen tv.
I sit back and relax and think about how great my life is. I'm doing what I love and getting paid for it. I have wonderful friends who care for me and ask me to do things with them all the time. I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me and I love her.
I have nothing to be unhappy about, life is good.
Thus ends a trip to Bizzaroland. Drive carefully and don't forget to tip your bartender.....

D-

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Monday, May 22, 2006


Colonel Lingus and the Empty Six-Gun
Current mood: aggravated

Here I go again. I thought I had found my salvation, but alas, nada.
It's like Sophie's Choice, okay maybe not. I've never seen the movie, but I've heard about it. Do you trade never having an O ever again for having a level head? Do you trade being relatively sane for sweating all day and being tired? The male ego is pretty tied up in the sexual readiness of his trowser snake. It's like a cowboy with his six-shooter empty with no ammunition at hand. So if the time comes that you have to throw down your hammer hits empty. To further stretch the analogy farther, I can't even have target practice. I've heard about woman who have never had an O and it boggles the mind. When I was with my ex I always gave her one. I made a point of it, I got good at it, I've got the scars on my tongue to prove it. I took pride in making her happy in bed, sometimes it meant more to me than my own pleasure. I loved her but in the end her financial situation meant more to her.
Now I'm back here where no-one will give me the time of day.
Ain't life spiffy?

D-

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Friday, May 19, 2006


The Good Thursday and Le Petit Mort
Current mood: drained

It was a busy Thursday, but it was one I could be proud of. I didn't make an idiot out of myself for once, which is nice. I worked hard, still don't know whether the sweat is from the badly ventilated store or from the meds. It's not like I'm dripping, but my forehead is warm. I am now my own science project.
I'm yawning yet my mind is still alert, it should be fun trying to get some sleep tonite. I'd "spank the monkey" and put him to bed, but it seems that the drug is effecting that.
If I was still with my ex she would be mad at me, thinking I don't find her sexy anymore because I didn't...um, Le Petit Mort. Now I only have myself to disapoint. Yippee.

D-

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Thursday, May 18, 2006


Why I Don't Drive

It's my day off, and I'm wondering if my new found chemical solution isn't without it's small print. I seem to be in a tired fog when I'm not doing something. I guess my body is still getting used to things. Certain effects remind me of when I was working alot back east. I would get home from work too tired to do much of anything. Me and the ex would just sit in front of the tv, both too tired.
I've been thinking again, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm a pain in the ass to anyone who tries to be my friend.
Why? Beacuse I don't drive.
I took the test twice in high school and failed both times. I just never had the fever to get behind the wheel. My Dad put me off driving early, he drives like he's freaking Dale Earnhardt Jr. It scared me as a kid. I didn't want to be that way. Also, blame "Blood On The Highway". I didn't want the responsibility of being in control of a ton of metal going 55 miles per hour. I'm neurotic as it is. Imagine me behind the wheel? Please....
I bum rides everywhere, anything fun happens and it's too much of a pain in the ass to come get me. I'm the albatross, koo koo ka choo.
And the fun part is I wonder why my phone doesn't ring. Go figure!
Hey, I know I'm a pain in the ass, but I bring beer with me! ok?

D-

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Little, Round, and White
Current mood: tired

So, at least I wasn't singing "Rocketman" with my pants down doing my William Shatner impersonation.
At first it sort of crackled acrosss my frontal lobe like static coming off a shag rug. It felt like I'd had a beer before lunch for a little while, I was nice to everyone (even stupid people), the focus of my world was a bit more squared up. I was sweaty but everyone was because of the damn AC being off. It was kind of like the volume of the usual depressive shit had been turned down some. As the day wore on I got real tired and only because I had to see a friend for a little while that I'm still upright.
Now I am officially without anyone who will call me to hang out.
But what else is new huh?

D-


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Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Late Mother's day presents
Current mood: content

Mission Impossible 3 would have been a better movie if Tom Cruise hadn't been in it. Which isn't to say it's a bad movie. It's a pretty decent film for a summer film. The director J.J. Abrams, who created Alias, brought a familiar bag of tricks and tried to humanize all the stuff from the first three M:I movies. One thing is having a romance for Cruise's character that was more convincing than the one he currently has in real life. Abrams deserves a medal for that alone. Guns, gadgets, some cool action sequences, and "Capote" torturing Scientology's favorite son. I give it 3 stars.
Took my Mom to see it as part of her Mother's day present (the other part was letting her pick out a pair of shoes) since I worked sunday. I love doing things like that because lord knows my Dad squeeks by on the bare minimum. I also got her a pound of See's Candy, so I think I made up for it being a day late.
Also went to the doctor today, that went ok. Went home with a bag of samples which I hope works out well...
Long day, had one beer and it made me woozy. That and it's too damn hot for my tastes. Bring on the fog!
Overall a positive day, nothing really to gripe about (which is rare for me)
Plus a good friend of mine is breaking up with her asshole boyfriend, so if she reads this: You deserve the best. Kinda like me, only taller and (waaaaayyy) less neurotic.Oh, and with more money. Doesn't live with his parents. Better job too! Um, what am I leaving out. Younger than me....
Ok, I just bummed myself out. Time for another beer

D-

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Monday, May 15, 2006


mood ninjas, swing dancers, and half eaten BK

It's funny, or maybe not if you think about it, but I don't feel depressed all the time. It skulks around in my heart, hiding behind half digested Burger King, then strikes me when I least want it. Kind of like if Robert Smith, lead singer of the Cure, were a ninja...of, uh, depression. A black mood you didn't want because you felt ok just a minute ago. It happens at work, late at night. It will be a thought, or just a feeling, then it sneaks in and stays like an unwanted house guest. If a house guest stayed over every fucking day several times a day. Dressed as a ninja, in a '80s prog rock band.
Bet you won't hear "It's friday, I'm in love" the same way ever again.
I have highs and lows, moods like drunk swing dancers. Bobbing around like fluffers on a bad porn movie and sucks just as hard.
When I was in high school the school nurse sent me to a counceling group after I said I had thoughts about suicide. I was sitting in a circle listening to these other kids who had horror stories for lives. I couldn't describe what was going on with me. I felt like a shitheel. It wasn't like my Mom beat me and my dad was an alcoholic. I just felt like shit all the time. It would come and go but it stayed around enough to ruin my life.
"Snap out of it!" "cheer up!" *pat on the head* Good-day!
A friend told me tonite, to paraphrase very loosly, that life is an eternal struggle and fighting instead of folding makes tomorrow easier.
I guess that also includes, in my case, fighting my demons.
Nah, I'm not folding, even if my hand is for shit right now, there's always tomorrow.

D-

Currently listening :
Figure 8
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 18 April, 2000

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Sunday, May 14, 2006


inanimate objects
Current mood: annoyed

I have become that guy.
That movie "Punchdrunk Love"
That guy who trashes places because he's so mad at his own inadequate social skills?
Today I forearmed a plaster wall.
A few weeks ago I put my fist into a toilet tissue dispenser.
I remember when the movie came out on dvd. I was with my ex and we watched it together. She loved it so much I bought her a used copy. When we divvied up our possesions she gave it to me. We would have Al Pacino nights, she let me have most of them. I haven't watched any one of them since I've been home. Too many memories.
I connected with Adam Sandler's character then but never thought I'd get that bad. My failures have become big neon signs reducing me to brute acts on inanimate objects. It's lucky I haven't busted a knuckle.
But hey, at least when people ask me what's wrong I'll have something to tell them.
I can't keep anything anymore. Friendships, friendly aquantences, my sanity, bits of my heart torn away from me by stuggling to keep it all together. I can't even keep a smile on my face for more than a second or two. What do people think of me? I shudder and expect the worst.
Maybe I need some time off. A Way, Straight GONES-ville, by myself.
I should sleep, I hate Sundays

D-

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Friday, May 12, 2006


Gunpowder Ruminations
Current mood: contemplative

In a few days I'll be going to a doctor to get some happy pills. But until then I shall be ranting about things that dwell in my diseased mind late at night.
It might disturb some people but I think about suicide alot.
Not so much that I'll do it. I mean the thing that always stops me is having a family member find my...remains. In all practicality I should have done such a thing when I was living back east. It would have been easier then. I was having a breakdown after my girlfriend broke up with me. I could have just disappeared into the Baltimore night. I could have died of a cocaine overdose while getting a lapdance. Ah, the American Dream
When you feel you don't have a choice but to either keep on hurting inside and living and having it all go away...well let's say suicide becomes a plan B in your mind.
I am nothing if not a thinker, so I have come to a conclusion that a bullet in the head is the best way. Pills can be pumped out of you if you get found before they take effect. Hanging is an inexact science and you could spend minutes feeling it all before death. Or be a vegetable platter and have religious swine fighting over whether to unplug you or not.
I've always had an afinity for handguns. My Dad taught me to shoot when I was 12 or 13. We had an old .22 cal single action revolver and we shot it until the damn thing broke. When that happened we bought a newer one, a 9mm beretta. A decent gun but more expensive to shoot.
Of all the reading I've done, something in the .45 ACP (that stands for Automatic Colt Pistol for you people who don't know things like these) and higher caliber range would be ideal to get the job done. Placement is the key though. Putting the damn thing in your mouth is tricky. The round could just exit out the back of your throat, snag some nerves in your neck, and end up paralyzed. Nobody wants that. Shooting yourself in the heart leaves the window open for paramedics to save you. Shoot yourself with something lower than a .45 and the bullet will sometimes not go through your skull. .38s have just mushroomed (I've seen pictures) just short of entering the brainpan.9mm round is so fast ( it was made to be a submachine gun round after all) it could go through and through and not do enough damage.
This is not to say that I would do it, ok?
People read about Adolph Hitler all the time and not become Nazis. When you're depressed you think about things like this. It's the back door to putting up with your diseased head and heart. It's the final solution. I'm sure even people who have terrible ailments think about, plot for, that moment when they can't take it anymore.
I've had more of those moments in my life lately. That life would be better for the people around me if I wasn't there. That there is no future beyond this point. That I'm always going to hurt like this. That It's always going to be this way. That I'm going to be this maladroit, bumbling, brain-sick, ugly, inept asshole for the rest of my life and it would be better if I saved myself the pain of it all and blow my fucking head off.
It's like flipping 'god' the bird. Returning the one thing you were given for free. It would be sexy if it wasn't so cowardly. And you shit yourself when you die. Think of the smell. Like fried ass in bowel sauce.
The impact on the people you do like is also something to consider. What would your Mom think? Or your Dad? Or even nieces and nephews? That guy you know who's always macking on the ladies? He's at the funeral talking to that girl you like at work. Letting her cry on his shoulder. He might get lucky while you're rotting in the ground. The bastard. You don't want that do you?
Funerals cost a shit-load of money too. Leaving your relatives with the burden might be the final revenge on them, but, you're not there to relish in it. I choose to be cremated. It's cheaper than buying a piece of real estate in a corpse condo only to lay there around people who you don't know. Guarenteed some goth kid will be sitting on your tombstone drinking beer 2 nights later. Probably trying to get some girl who has a safety pin stuck in her face to play tonsil hockey. The smearing of twin sets of white makeup and eyeliner ensues. You can't even enjoy looking up at it 'cause YOU'RE DEAD!
But I digress...
I don't see that many people showing up. Most of the people I know work weekends.
Family throws ashes into the sea, dines at Chili's, goes home, gives my stuff to the Goodwill, fini.
I'm probably wrong about all of this. People tend to be looked at as better people dead than they were alive. The Nixon Effect. You don't think of all this when you're in pain. You're thinking of yourself and the people you're hurting in your life. Like "It's A Wonderful Life", but without the angel in it.
I'm done rambling for tonite.
Be well and Be kind,

D-

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Thursday, May 11, 2006


They know you enough
Current mood: morose

They know you enough
To make assumptions
As to who you are
You yearn for connections
To other people
Your nature makes it hard
You've been a solitary dude
Most of your life
Not a social animal
All you have is your limited charm
And bits of charity
To get by on
Something went wrong
You can feel it
That sixth sense you grew in school
Whispers and stares
The changes in tenor when you approach
The smiles becoming damningly polite
What did I do?
What did I say?
It's the cost of being around people
I fear
They know you enough
To discard you
It was the party maybe
When the alcohol got to me
Should have known better
Should have kept to myself
Keep it silent
Keep it safe
Unfortunately alone
They know you enough
To make you hurt

Currently listening :
Home to Oblivion: Elliott Smith Tribute
By Christopher O'Riley
Release date: By 11 April, 2006

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006


Dear God, it's me....

Dear God,
I know I haven't talked to you in a while. Probably because you haven't exactly been vocal in my life. I mean, if you hurt like I have in my life, when life has become such a burden you don't want to go on, you'd think I'd get a kind word or two. I used to ask you for guidance or advice all the time. I used to lay in my bed, sleepless and talk to the ceiling. One day I came to realize that if you do exist, you're not going to talk to me.
I just want to know what I have done to deserve feeling like this. I have hurt people I care about because of all the pain inside me. Is it too much to ask why? Why do you let all of this go on? Why do bad people live good lives and good people live tortured lives?
I don't presume to think I'm a good person anymore. I have found out this the hard way. I try to live my life by treating people like how I want to be treated. I've failed. It's all become too much. I'm not the man I want to be. I just want to be someone that I'm not embarrased by. Instead I'm an asshole like the rest.
No, I don't blame you for my mistakes. You just never talk to me. I just got tired of it all being me.
You could just be a collosal hoax played upon anyone who didn't want to believe that we are alone. That all we do after we die is rot in the ground. God is an idea that someone up there has got it all under control. That there's a reason to it all. It's a beautiful lie, or is it?
If you see it all (the death, pain, madness, torture, and lies) and do nothing, what kind of person are you?
Well, anyway, drop me a line if you get this. I know if you do exist you're a busy guy.
Peace,
Daniel

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006


A partial retraction...
Current mood: contemplative

I'd like to take the opportunity to print a partial retraction to an earlier blog I had written.
Upon further reflection I think the idea put forth by someone I know i.e. "Perception = Reality" has some weight to it.
At one time people thought that the earth was flat and if you sailed a ship beyond the horizon it would fall off the edge. Of course this was proven false when someone had the testicular fortitude to sail beyond that. Today if someone walked up to you and said that life ended beyond the horizon you'd think they were developmentally disabled and had lost track of their special bus.
But, many people believed it so for the most part in their perception it was so and anyone was crazy to think otherwise. Maybe even pulled into a courtyard and stoned, or burned at the stake.
When it comes to people it becomes more difficult to judge, but, superficially the rule also had weight. Most people don't have the time or inclination to search beyond what they see.
Anything different becomes scary, anything not of the norm becomes alarming. We are all ruled by what we see and believe things that aren't true just because someone told us so. Why, because people are lazy and dismissive of things or people they don't understand.
It's not just people they don't know either. People will lie to your face and stab you in your back once it's turned. People you once thought as friends will one day look at you like you're a space alien and avoid you like the plague because they were lied to by others.
Smile on the face, deception in the heart.
The human animal doesn't have a factual thread of thought in it's brain meat.
It's all tied through perception, and through that reality is formed. And unless that perception is shattered by actual fact : the lie lives in all of us.
I think it was in an episode of X-files that had the phrase "Believe the Lie"
Most people are more than happy to do so. That's why my friends statement is true, unfortunately. Human frailty.
It's true, like so many depressing realities in life. It seems like the only thing you can change in this world is your mind. It's not 'waffeling", it's thinking.
Oh well, my two cents...
D-

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Sunday, May 07, 2006


randomness
Current mood: tired

My life would be good
If it wasn't me living it
All the building blocks are there
For someone who knew how
To piece it together
Life is becoming like tv
I look at it
It happens around me
It doesn't know I'm there
Like I can reach out
And tap the picture tube
I can't feel or taste anything
It's all gone horribly wrong
Dark static fills my heart
If I scream would it make a noise?
I'd be scared if I wasn't so tired
Draw the covers
Turn out the light
Reality can wait
To beat me up tomorrow

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blog.myspace.com/danmidnight

Friday, May 05, 2006


It Won't Be Me
Current mood: melancholy

I collect them like cards
Like unattained dreams
In my back pocket
A thick deck of cards
Of only queens
They're all my crushes.
I thumb through them
With the utmost care
Beautiful ladies all
Sadness like papercuts
Crosshatch over my fingers
I blame myself for not having
The guts or the pride
To tell them how I feel
I'm not really much
Or feel that I'm not
Not really good enough
To be the king to their
Queen
Not tall
Not confident
Not charming
Just me
And my big ol'heart
That hurts when I breath
When she walks in the room
With that other guy
He'll see the twinkle in her eye
When she smiles that shy smile
Sweet face alight
He'll break her heart
In ways I couldn't think
I'll ask why
It hurts me too
Maybe it's best
That I love from afar
Shuffle my cards and say
It won't be me

Currently listening :
Heartbreaker
By Ryan Adams
Release date: By 05 September, 2000

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Thursday, May 04, 2006


3:39am

I went hunting for a doctor tonite.
"Hmm, let's see...who should be the one I tell my tale of woe to?"
Names, where they went to college, hospital affiliated?
"Doc, I have a case if the EeeOars, give me pills please"
Damn, I should be sleeping. I just know that when my head hits the pillow it's like I can't grasp the sleep.
Makes no sense.
Hah, no-one reads this shit so who cares?

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006


2:35 am
Current mood: melancholy

When it gets dark and I'm alone
My thoughts tend to gang up on me
When others are counting sheep
I'm counting the mistakes I've made
The people I've let down or hurt
I hate myself for drawing breath
My demons sometimes win.
They know just how to hurt me I fear
I try so hard and it never makes a difference
I just end up alone
Guilty of being me
It seems like waking up
Is not doing anyone any good
I'm just wasting time
When I should be wasting away
I need to go to a doctor
Have him give me pills
Something to take the pain away
From being undesirable
I could try getting out more
Going it alone into the night
Watch people get wasted from a dark corner
I don't even like the taste of beer that much
I just want something with some dignity
Something I don't have to beg for
The freedom of the love in someone's eyes
A warm touch
I'm dreaming aloud again
I shouldn't torture myself
With things I can't have
It's too easy
I do that too much
Life is wearing me down
I've never been young it feels
Now I'm getting old
It's like wearing a heavy coat on my soul
I wonder if I bled would it just be
The poison that pumps from my brain
Would it be red or black like the sky?
As the dark night drones by
Like a lonely train through my heart
I just want to tell everyone
I'm sorry for bothering you
Goodnight

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Friday, April 28, 2006


invisible things
Current mood: melancholy

when you are a child
you can believe in invisible things
because you don't know any better
planes fly you don't know why
they just do
adults tell you things
that are not true
beautiful lies to hold onto
many years pass by
and you think you know what's going on
childish things have passed you by
for the most part
but one thing still lingers
when i was in pain
i reached out for it
the invisible man behind the door
crushing pain stirrs in your heart
you cry out "help me, my heart is breaking"
you feel the blood pool in your shoes
stars flash behind your eyes
you wait......
nothing
Days pass, a mantra silently drones
"please help me, it's dying"
something twists in your brain
makes you gasp
"help me please, i don't know what to do!"
the things they told you as a child
becomes bitter in your mouth as
are the tears streaming down your face
"i'll beg, just please say something"
"they told me you loved me. they told me you loved everyone"
still no answer
something snaps in your soul
the real world intrudes
a dark road in baltimore
my soon to be ex girlfriend panics when she sees me burst into tears
she parks along the side of the snowy road
i can't talk, it feels like i'm drowning
the snow falls from the sky like ashes
a week later i'm back in my little room
and the other side of the country
living with my failures
and making new ones
trying to make the broken
pieces fit

Currently listening :
from a basement on the hill
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 19 October, 2004

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Thursday, April 27, 2006


"i never meant to hurt you"
Current mood: depressed

"i'll tell you why i don't want to know where you are
i got a joke i been dying to tell you
a silent kid is looking down the barrel
to make the noise that i kept so quiet
i kept it from you, pitseleh
i'm not what's missing from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
they say that god makes problems
just to see what you can stand
before you do as the devil pleases
and give up the thing you love
but no one deserves it
the first time i saw you i knew it would never last
i'm not half what i wish i was
i'm so angry
i don't think it'll ever pass
and i was bad news for you just because
i never meant to hurt you"

"Pitseleh" by Elliott Smith

Currently listening :
XO
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 25 August, 1998

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Monday, April 17, 2006


Kong Overlong

Got to see King Kong tonite. It had been sitting on my shelf for a few weeks since I had bought it (I popped for the two-disc edition).
Saw it with the parents since I had day off for Easter.
Don't get me wrong, this movie had some truly cool moments. Seeing vintage New York get smashed to bits by big monkey, T-Rex's getting smashed by big monkey. Some of the dino action recalled Jurassic Park (although the big "running from the vege-sauruses" scene was kinda cheezy). The big effing bugs made me squirm.
The bad? This basically stems from seeing the story before. We know what's going to happen. The story seemed to drag on, hovering over every detail of the story, that by the time "the money shot" on the empire state building happens we're "eh" about it.
Jack Black is a funny guy, this could have used a few laughs.
Peter Jackson could have hacked an hour, maybe 45 minutes off and this would have been better IMO
Not a bad film, though.

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Saturday, April 15, 2006


little joke

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. ..He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Made my cold cynical heart snicker...

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Perception = Reality

Let's jump into this right away shall we?
I was informed from a source that shall remain namesless that some of my co-workers have been talking about me behind my back. While this is not suprising because when you work with people for any extended time you come to realize that even in a big store rumors run corner to corner faster than the bird flu.
People talk smack, inevitable.
My workplace had come a home away from home for me. I had finally become comfortable after being away for 2 years. I had begun to open up and relax. Little did I know that some had not liked what they had seen.
To be blunt, I'm bit on the odd side. My sense of humor is weird I grant you. Maybe a bit edgy, I don't know. I have been a shy person for my entire life. Some of that is part and parcel of my problems with people. I tend to try too hard to overcome my shyness and maybe it comes off a bit overbearing. I'm not perfect and never will be.
But anyway, let me digress.
The last couple of days have been pretty hard on me. This was the cherry on top. Since last Christmas I had been making mix cds and giving them out. I had been an artist for a good part of my life and it felt good to be creative again. I liked giving people gifts. Chunks of culture. I gave them out to people I liked, mostly women. Why? Because guys always feel uncomfortable giving and recieving gifts from other guys. I thought if I could engender some good will with some of the female population (after breaking up with my ex still fresh in my mind) why not?
After the holidays I still made them because I liked doing it. It wasn't so expensive that it would hurt my pocket book either.
So, I find out today that me giving a few people some music AND my odd sense of humor...
"CREEPED THEM OUT" that I was "CREEPY"
Weird I could take. Hell I'd wear it on a tee-shirt. But....Creepy?
If I had any self esteem left it would be in the shitter.
Said un-named source started to tell me about perception equaling reality. That if people thought it IT becomes the truth.
A thought crossed my mind : have I become Michael Jackson?
Someone who has become so entrenched in his own world that he doesn't see what other people see? Howard Hughes becoming a vampire wearing tissue boxes on his feet. Odd geek who goes into electonic stores knowing everything about the cameras and quizing the clerks to make himself feel smarter. Someone lost in their own psychic mess.
From what I infer from what he or she said it's people who I work with on a regular basis. This also hurts.
Let me tell you something about myself and believe me this is no boast.
I'm just a really nice guy who wouldn't hurt a soul under all the weirdness. I would give you the shirt off my back if you were cold. I'm a good listener and don't mind being up 'til 3am on a work night talking about your problems. I like to make people laugh. If I plan to do something with you I'm there "with bells on" because I know what it's like to be ditched or forgotten. I like doing things for people I like because it makes me feel good.
In conclusion:
- If it's anyone here that I've made feel weird, I'm sorry.
- If you've recieved a mix cd from me, keep it. It's now a collectors item. I'm not making anymore.
- Perception only equals Reality when people refuse to look any deeper than the surface. Everyone is so lazy that they put a tag on people and file them away.
- If you know the person who called me CREEPY, tell them to bite my furry, white, freshly showered buttox. 'Cause they don't know me.



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Sunday, April 09, 2006


Crushing me

It all goes wrong
When it leaves my mouth
I go blisteringly dumb
I can't communicate
Bumbling Idiot!
Is it Love?
It can't be?
There has to be two
She doesn't even "know" me
Is it just my illness
Haunting me
Woulda Coulda Shoulda
Nada
Does she even think of me?
It shouldn't be this hard
I thought I learned something.
Like a baseball caught in my throat
The emotion and need sits
Wanting to be expelled.
Is it just trouble ahead?
Will it turn horribly wrong?
I can't deny the way she makes me feel
When she smiles.
Love will be the death of me.
Just make it quick.
It's never been quick pain.
Heaven or Hell?
Stay or Go?
Just please let me know.
Yes or No.
Idiot! Fool!
Let me out here
This is my stop
Why me?

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Saturday, April 08, 2006


Stupidity Tries

I try to act happy
I lie to everyone I meet
No one wants the drama
Everyone is fine
Everyone cares
I want to scream
Lies!
Don't be nice if it's not in you
Don't smile if you don't mean it
I'm sick as shit at all of it
I get along to go along
I do the best I can
When all I want to do is lay down and die
Please don't placate me with gentle lies
Tell me where you stand
Don't leave me standing in the cold alone
I've had it
I'm done

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blog.myspace.com/danmidnight

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


Dark Sky

In the night I stare
Inside my dark sky
I wish I could see the light
I wish I could believe again
I wish I could see hope in
A beautiful girl's eyes
Instead of my own dark self hate
Reflecting back at me
I sometimes wish that my body
Would show the wounds my
Heart and mind feels
People would understand me
And help carry me home.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006


I've been Tagged?? *fixed*

"Each player of this game starts with the "6 weird things/habits about you". People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog."
6 weird things/habits about me:
Hmm, only 6 things?

1) I am near-sighted and could only see with any definition within about 2 feet or so and everything beyond that is a blur. My parents didn't have me checked until the end of middle school.

2) I have never had a girlfriend within my home state of California. I had to move to Baltimore, MD to be with my first girlfriend who I met on the internet.

3) I don't have a driver's license, I'm 33.

4) I'm better with indiviuals than groups.

5) I'm intensely shy person really.

6) I can remember lines to whole movies but I have trouble with people's names.

Tricia, Linda, Jess, Jessica, The Lost One, ~*Ceara*~

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Saturday, March 11, 2006


It's just me...

Everyone is depressed
Nobody knows why
Does everyone want to die?
Is it something in the water
Is it like cancer in our blood
Like a big grey blanket
Like rain from above
Is it anger and fear
Even from those we hold dear
It's a sickness in my heart
Turning my life into a march
Bleeding in my heart
Dripping in my shoes
Making the air smell of copper and brass
I want to push everything away
Everyone who knew me
Clear the way!
I just need to fall
Don't worry
It's just me...

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Friday, March 10, 2006


small thoughts

I never went to church when I was a kid.
Sometimes I thank my father's love of foodball for that.
Looking back on things I don't think I needed the threat
of biblical retribution to be a good person.
My parents were more into psychological warefare
than corporal punishment.
I have to thank comic books for not being an asshole.
Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Captain America.
Captain Kirk, Sherlock Holmes, the Lone Ranger.
Their Coda: Help people out, don't be a prick.
Is that so hard?
Sometimes I wonder....

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Wednesday, March 08, 2006


A Letter


Dear Daniel,
I think it's about time we had a talk. I've been meaning to talk to you about this for along time. So, let's get this over with.
People don't really like you that much. Because you're shy and depressed all the time you throw off this "vibe" at people that, well, make them feel uncomfortable. This wouldn't impact your social life so much if you were good looking but that boat kinda sailed didn't it? And your sense of humor, how did you get so weird?
I know you notice this but someone just needed to tell you again. Y'see you shouldn't feel broken up when people don't invite you to parties or out for drinks because of all this (or even return your phonecalls). It's like trying to keep the clock from ticking. People only want to hang out with people like themselves. Like, people who go to church like having people around them that believe the same things they do. Young people like being with people their own age. People like you only get together with each other in movies, dude. Most people only give a shit about each other unless they want something. Nobody wants anything from you.
It's the natural way of things. The ciiiircle of liiiiiiffeeee!!
People your age have better jobs and families by now, even with the shitty economy. Hey, maybe if you were with the military!? You've lived in a military town for years, you should know this by now!
When people are cruel, don't look you in the eye, and generally dismissive to you you have to take this as them doing you a favor. I mean, between them and your general poor self esteem problems you'll be on the road to taking yourself out of the equation in no time. People want you out of their peripheral vision much less right in front of them acting weird.
Love? are you kidding me, don't make me laugh! Who would want you in the first place? That ship sailed when she threw you out for being too poor. Who would want a poor guy anyway, huh? A poor, depressed, fat, old, pasty-white fool. Hope is something you can't afford. It's not like you have the energy for hope or love, huh?
I hope this was helpfull to you. Don't feel so bad about things, Daniel, it doesn't do any good.
Sincerely,
The Human Race

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Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Stop Staring

Stop staring she said
Can't I look at you? I said
She won't take the praise I give her
Even if it's from my heart
She doesn't want my affection
She doesn't want the attention
I can't help how I feel
I've seen her at her worst
I've seen her mad and crying
I've seen her shout at traffic and flipping the bird
I am smitten
Heart has been bitten
By that bastard cupid
She looks at me in the eyes
And I can't disguise
All the mush and gush
Seeping out of me
My only wish
That this Dish
Felt the same about me
But she can't and
She won't
I can't rewind from my
Fall off the cliff
Now that there's
No-one
To catch me
Only the rocks below
Someone once said
"Pain Don't Hurt"
I beg to differ
Because I can't Stop
Staring

Currently listening :
Has Been
By William Shatner
Release date: By 05 October, 2004

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Sunday, February 26, 2006


Outside

Sometimes I wonder
What it would be like
To be "normal"?
Would It be like someone
Removed a tumor from my brain
Or being struck blind?
What if I went back in time
And corrected all the bad things
That happened to me?
What if I was taller and thinner?
What if I had gotten my glasses sooner
Instead of in high school?
What if I had
More friends?
What if I wasn't so
Shy?
If I was better looking
Would people be nicer
To me?
In a world like ours
You can be a bastard
And people will love you
If you're beautiful.
Nice guys always finish last
The outsider's view is important.
Even when it's cold
And lonely
Ouside.

Currently listening :
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
By The Flaming Lips
Release date: By 16 July, 2002

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Saturday, February 25, 2006


"Smile"

No light
Only dark
No fun
Empty room
No life
No love
Only Bordom
Time grinds on
Small wheels turn
Grinding things to dust
While we toss and turn
When tomorrow becomes today
We can't wait for tomorrow
If only I knew how to
Grab it all by the reins
Drag it down to the ground
Make it look me in the eye
And say "Smile"
Then let it all go.

D-

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Sunday, February 19, 2006


California
Current mood: depressed

It's been a year and change since I came back to you, and it's taken me that long to find that you haven't changed.
You are still a beauty in your cold mannered way.
Your blues that turn to granite in bad weather, your sandy yellows that scatter in the wind.
The east coast welcomed me until the love that sought me turned me away.
And now it's you and I again.
Like a crapped out gambler I come back to you.
To your polite smiles and averted eyes.
Your casual cruelty cuts me even deeper now.
I was always a mutant here, now it seems even more so.
Just not pretty enough or rich enough for you.
There is no love here for my starving heart.
I'm scarred by my maladroit ways.
Your beauty has damned me.
It's been a year since I came back to you, and I still love you even if you still hate me.
Bitch.

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Thursday, February 02, 2006


Warren Ellis's Podcast





(8.34 mins) (6.04 MB) (direct download)Pick up The Apparat Programme automatically via podcasty thing or iTunes using this address: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ApparatThis is Programme 9.5 because it's very short -- these were the last of the short standout songs in my podcast file. I am now all out of music.All music featured in this podcast was either donated directly to the Programme by the artists, or made available by the artists for free download and circulation. The running order for Programme 9.5 is:Kick Asteroid - "Don't Listen To Me" (1:57)Al Hotchkiss - "Sky Surfer" (1:59)Eric Siegel & Liam Warfield - "The Depths of the Stinking Canal" (2:03)Withiel - "You'll Be Glad (When I'm Dead)" (2:35)
Direct downloads of previous Programmes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

If you enjoyed the Apparat Programme, please spread the word, linking back to this post. Just one line in your blog and a link would help. Feel free to hotlink the Apparat stamp.I need new music. If you want your music to be included in an Apparat Programme, email your mp3 files directly to warrenellis@gmail.com.

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Testing

Fear, Hugs, and Kisses.

These are the kind of nights when I don't know literally whether I'll see daylight.
Everytime I try to Live, life has a way of slapping me down like a dog who shat on the floor.
What I did today is literally a coin-flip of coming out good or very, very bad.
God help me I wish I knew so I could sleep tonite.
I kissed someone that wasn't my ex-girlfriend tonite.
I'm afraid and stimulated at the same time and it's scary.
We had become friends at work, we shared stories about out breakups and heart-aches.
We talked for hours on AIM, her life quite a soap opera.
I offered council and told her about my life.
I walked her out to her car tonite and we talked a little, I gave her a hug.
The hug lasted a long time, and out of my mouth came the words that neither came from my head or my dick.
"May I kiss you?"
She said :" Do you want to?"
I said "Yes."
And we kissed.
She had soft lips and her mouth tastes nice and we shared the same kind of hunger that lonely people do.
It lasted for ages it seemed. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed my parent's truck parked out in front of the store.
"Oh god, my ride's here." I said.
We shared goodbyes and I walked over to the truck.
I felt lighter and and dazed.
I had a conversation on the way home only half of which I remember.
She said she's be online tonite, I've been online since 12:30 am.
It's 2 am now.
Her absence makes me afraid I did the wrong thing, that I was a fool.
A lonely fool just wanting to feel something after being alone for so long.
I hope I can sleep tonite.

D-

Current Mix CD

Elliott Smith :Unreleased (From A Basement On The Hill II)
The Donnas - Gold Medal
The Dandy Warhols -Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia
Wolf Parade - Apologies To The Queen Mary [2005]
Jets to Brazil - Orange Rhyming Dictionary
Spoon - Gimme Fiction
The Harvey Girls
The Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone
The Go! Team - Thunder Lightning Strike (2004)

D-

The mercy seat

I'm deep into the dark cave that is the bad mood that has infected my soul.
This place hasn't changed, it's all glass and bad lighting reflected on my scalp reminding me of the hairline that I inherited from my father.
The people are self involved to the point of eyes and faces scrubbed clean from perfect manikins. It's the sickness in my heart made plain from coming back to this place. It's the ocean maybe. Large vast rolling pushing the space around like a ragdoll.
It's the sickness of the unwanted, the uninluded, the maladroit. The only people who want to have anything to do with you are a reflection on my ugly soul an they are few and far between.
The lack of sex is something I can deal with it's the loneliness that hurts the most. No-one wants to be with the awkward one, no one has the time or the energy to reach out to the lonely one.
Cellphones are an invention turned rotten and used as barriers to anyone outside their circle. Tribal warfare, non inclusion, the ugliness of the human race.
I fear I will be stuck with someone ugly for the rest of my life. I see it everyday. We all settle because we are alone and it brings out the desperation. Depression. A cold hand is a hand. Abuse is negative attention, but it IS attention.
I'm rambling because I get so tired I can't sleep. The minutes tick on and slip from fingers while my mind thinks to fill the time when the body begs for sleep. It's times like these I wish I drank like my grandfather.
I just want someone who understands the dark parts inside me, who will look at me with affection, and humor my "addictions"...

D-

Hell has frozen over

Go here, click on the link that says "Shepard Smith/Geraldo Rivera on Fox (.wmv 5.1 MB)"


When the most pro-Bush biased news network starts to make noise about how this Govt. of ours has dropped the ball in the wake of Katerina, like, wow.
Geraldo Rivera (and Shepard Smith) grows a set of testes...

Call For Help is Back on g4!!!

G4 - Call For Help

It's about goddamn time!!

The Mighty Pacific!!

pic

Hunter S. Thompson ashes blown from cannon

Drowned in Sound - News - Exclusive pics: Hunter S. Thompson ashes blown from cannon

The late Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be blown out of a cannon on Saturday 20th August in Woody Creek, Colorado - and DiS has world exclusive pictures.

The journalist and author will be blasted from the gonzo shaped device, Thompson's signature fist and dagger symbol, by his friend Johnny Depp.

Other guests expected include Sean Penn, Bill Murray and Jack Nicholson.

A security guard at the site said: "Saturday's going to be crazy, the sheriffs are going to be looking after a lot of A-listers coming up to Woody Creek."

The Ineffiable Facts of Losing Sleep

In the wee hours my brain tries to fill the time, it comes up with bullshit tasks that prevent me from sleeping. That file that needs to be downloaded, that program that needs to be tweeked. The computer has become my small world. The only thing that can be manipulated at will. My bringer of music and porn.
I have been thinking of trying to find some sort of human companionship again. God, I hate chatrooms. It's like going into a room and everyone is talking to each other and doesn't even notice you enter the room.
Kind of like real life now that I think of it.
I need to be something more than I am, a symbol of hope to the hopless, something that will bring fear to my enemies.
I Know! I shall Become A Bat!
(just kidding)
I can't count on it just dropping into my lap. The last time that happened said person couldn't cope with my baggage. I feel uncomfortable looking for someone. I'm the most self loathing person on the west coast (other than pornstars who do golden showers or shiza movies), why in the blue fuck would someone want to...um, fuck me?
She would have to be into some of the same things I am, comics, music, books.
Ohhhhh, I need a Geeky Woman
Ohhhhh, I need a Geeky Girl.
(With opologies to Pink Floyd)

D-

Elliott Smith Cover Album @ Revolution In The Head

Revolution In The Head

A darn fine music blog. Elliot Smith is getting me through a rough patch right now. So go over and check it out.

I'm at a loss.....wHoa

Yep, she smiled. Or the drugs are kicking in.....

Add me as a friend, or I'll cry

http://www.myspace.com/danmidnight

I think she smiled at me

It wasn't just my imagination. I wonder if she likes comics?

I'm never going to know you now/But I'm going to love you anyhow

Sometimes when life hands you a lift up it's only to kick you in the shorts.

I admit it was my fault that it ended the way it did. I had been so alone for it seemed like ages. Someone comes into you life, and you instantly have a connection with, you open up. Like a clam with the heat on.

She was so sweet, and nice. She said she wanted to hear about my break-up. She was getting over someone too. She refused to talk about it, and even then in the vaguest terms.

So, I told her. BIG MISTAKE.

It overloaded her empathic Synapses like boiling water on cool flesh. I remember sitting there recounting my Jerry Bruckheimer-Style Disaster of a first relationship/ Breakup. Her eyes were wide like an Anime character. My face was hot talking about what went down, and it wasn't the half eaten chicken burrito in front of me (even though it was muy calyente). I felt drained. The wounds were still wet to the touch. I ruined my chances with this girl right there and I didn't know it until last night.

I popped up yahoo messenger and saw here there. I said hi she said

"Read Your Email. I can't talk right now."

I remember when my ex would tell me to check my e-mail bad shit was about to come down.

Second verse, Same as the first...

The e-mail was written in very cold language. An eviction notice written by a psycologist.

She felt the need to distance herself from my pain. I couldn't say that I blamed her. She told me I should seek therapy. I don't have insurance right now.

I sent her an e-mail back, tried to not sound terribly hurt (which I was), tried to be funny (which I do when I'm hurt), inplied I was having feelings for her ( I was going to ask her to 'go steady' on our next outing).

I sent her an mp3 of a song I had stuck in my head the day before. The main stanza being:

"I'm Never Going To Know You Now / But I'm Going To Love You Anyhow"
Elliot Smith, Waltz #2 (XO)
I didn't know how prophetic it would be.


D-

Dr Gonzo's ashes to be shot out of cannon

ModBlog - gm's mp3 blorg

http://geneticmaterial.modblog.com/?show=gallery&view=full&image=236138

The organisers of a memorial service for writer Hunter S Thompson are to build a 150 foot-high tower from which to fire his ashes. Who is funding this extraordinary monument? Johnny Depp will foot the bill for the structure and the memorial, due to take place on August 20th. Depp, who played Thompson in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, and who is also set to star in The Rum Diary, obviously has a strong admiration for the late author.

During the ceremony, a cannon sitting on top of the structure willfire off the ashes over Thompson's Colorado ranch. Hunter, who was 67,committed suicide in February and always had this particular wish of celebration to commemorate his death. Going out with a bang, literally.

Join Equis is the event producer, and he revealed that the tower will be 12 feet wide and will resemble the Thompson trademark "Gonzo fist”.The event will be a very private celebration of his successes and another ceremony about his life will be set for another date.

Thompson's hilarious genius and ability to pin-point bureaucracy and idiosyncrasies in society saw him gain a cult following from readers worldwide.

Hunter lived life by his own plan, and he will never be forgotten due to his legacy of great works left behind.

The reason to dream of tomorrow

Michelle Marsh : the future Mrs. Midnight

John Cusack eulogizes H.S.T.

The Huffington Post | The Blog

"It was just about then when I found out that life was worth living..."

Myspace.com

Find me on MySpace and join the throng...

Jessica Alba said "Punani"....huh huh huh, cool.

MAXIM ONLINE:

Certainly sounds interesting…
"[Stripping is] all about getting tips and showing the punani and simulating masturbation and sex acts. It's not interesting."

Comic Books @ Maximonline.com

MAXIM ONLINE:


Batman: The Killing Joke
(DC)
Forget Batman Begins, Alan Moore's definitive story of the Joker's genesis is one of the most coveted coming-out parties in comics. Juxtaposed beside his origin is a present-day attempt by the Joker to prove any man can turn batshit when he shoots Commissioner Gordon's daughter (a.k.a. Batgirl) through the spine and subjects him to a circus of sanity-shaking inhumanities.

My life is slowly killing me

I haven't added anything to this blog in a while. I've been in a world class funk as of late. The job has been leeching alot of energy from anything that gives me any joy. The turbulance of the last half year has left me with nothing to hang my hat on emotionaly. My friends in Baltimore have stopped writing me. Part of me understands this, people have lives and they move forward. The other half of me in lonely and just wants someone to gab at. Everyone at work has lives outside of work. They are either military wifes, have families and boyfriends and girlfriends to occupy their spare time.
Ontop of that to quote Greenday "masterbation has lost it's fun". I wish I knew someone wanted me. That someone would see me and the warm jelly inside my chest needing the peanutbutter of human closeness and say, why not?
God my head hurts,

D-

scan test

test duex

test

an experiment. part uno

I wake up with a start.
I look up at the stucco ceiling of the hotel room and remember where I am. I'm in a hotel room in Paris. I feel the warmth next to me and remember I'm not alone. Her perfume fills my nostrils and I smile.
The room is dark all but the grey morning light streaking though the parted curtains. I entertain the thought of turning on the lamp (which somehow fell on the floor). I get up and find my underwear on the floor, pull them on, then I look over at her. She's beautiful even with her make-up smeared. Her lovely breasts rise and and fall on her chest as she sleeps for the first time in days. She was so scared a few hours ago.
A week ago I was in Brussels finishing a job helping out a friend on a protection job. A human rights activist was getting death threats and they needed someone who could handle themselves in a firefight. Luckily it didn't come to that.
My european contact called me with another job. An american actress needs a bodyguard. I figure, why not? Little did I know I'd end up having desperate, hot, sweaty sex with her.
I remembered where I put my sidearm, on the table by the door. A Para-Ordinance P-14 .45 Auto. I had almost considered using a Sig Saur 9 millimeter (since I was in Europe) but I decided against it.
I sat down at the small work desk and booted up my laptop. While it warmed up I checked the mag and the chamber of the .45.
I looked over at the bed again, she was stirring. I remembered what we went through the night before. I had been protecting her for a week and a half while she met with a high powered producer. She was being stalked by some half wit and it scared her. I tried to make her more at ease, made her laugh at the whole thing. Last night we came back from a dinner party at the the producer's mansion and found this stalker gooing though her underwear drawer. He charged at me with a knife and I put two hollowpoints in his chest.
I spent a few hours at the local police station making out a statement. She was waiting for me when I was done, the press was crushing in on us as we hustled out of there. I checked us in to two rooms at the local Hiatt. I called for room service.
......to be continued

D-

Kevin Smith has a Blog....

My Boring Ass Life

this WEEK in TECH, TechTV lives on...

this WEEK in TECH | your first podcast of the week is the last word in tech

randomstuff, cool torrents, freebies. and fun

GO!

Stereogum, a cool music blog

clicky clicky

Funnier than a barrel of monkey-nuts...

As Martin Sargent used to say..."Dear Blog"
I haven't been posting lately because I'm back in the work force once again and it's kicking my ass. I've been working the closing shift at the Bullseye Barn (not it's real name) for the last two weeks (or is it three?). A different position w/ new people on my feet all day running, straightening, helping people find shit they don't need, step 'n' fetchit bullshit. My feet feel like raw hamburger at the end of the day and my knees feel like all the cartelidge is gone.
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my Mom's birthday and I don't get my first check 'til Friday. Luckily she's cool with this and I'll get her something nice a.s.a.p. I will finally get to see Star Wars III tomorrow also. Yay for me. Two days off will be so nice.
Man, I need to get laid. If I don't get to spank one off before work I'm like a raw nerve whenever a hot chick comes into view. Then I wonder what type of girl would be interested in a guy like me and then well... hope dies another death like lovers in a madhouse.

D-

Dennis Miller, Cancelled again!

Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah....whooooo...hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!



click here

Ode to the Sex Blog or Why I'm not gettin' any

I once took one of those Eharmony personality tests, they told me they had no matches for me. Hell, I could have told them that.
I have a gloomy outlook when it comes to finding someone to love here in California. I have never really fit in here, I know I was somewhat deluded in thinking I would be the same person here I was there, in Baltimore.

I've looked at the personals @yahoo.com, the thought of reaching out to any of these people is scary. I've always been different, neurotic, had odd thoughts and practices. Edgar Alan Poe or Bill Hicks could only have been laid if they were rich & or famous. I've found out the hard way that funny, smart, and loving can only work for so long. Then the bill comes due. If you don't have anything in your pockets but a worn out library card, some spare change, a pocket knife, and a Batman key chain you might as well buy a copy of Playboy and some aloe vera handlotion. I hope everyday that this is just one relationship that's going to end this way and it's just the exception. That woman aren't just after the things my ex was.

I just got the new Playboy yesturday if you're curious...

Who would I want if I could choose? Maybe someone who is the opposite of me in some ways but the same in others. Someone who will bang the dings out of my chassis, make me feel whole and a part of the world. A nerd, a geek, smarter than me but yet stupid enough to be with me. lol

Someone younger than me when I feel old. Someone who wants to play with me and my dirty mind. Someone thinner than me so she can ride ontop. Someone who wants to fuck me and suck me and someone I want to fuck and suck ('cause I love making a woman cum, goddamn it's been too long)
.
Someone who looks at me and smiles when she sees me. Is it so much to ask?

HAH, maybe so....

D-

Melancholy and the Fear and Loathing of working retail

I just got my new glasses friday and it's talking me much too long getting used to them.
It's either that or the fact I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. My head hurts and I'm depressed.
I go to get my schedule at work tomorrow. It grinds me up inside that I have to go back there again. I have to work on the floor this time around so I have to deal with having a new and different level of crap to deal with in an old wrapper. I figure I'll either go so slow and be so dim because of my depression and lack of energy because of it they'll fire me. Being fired is one of my re-occcuring nightmares because I hate the thought of being so bad at what I'm doing that they have to get rid of me. I have enough of my own self loathing I don't need anymore from other people.
You have to be a little braindead in the first place to work in retail. It's the self awareness that kills you. Having to be nice to people who wouldn't shit on you if you were in flames.
I honestly feel like crying. I never wanted to go back there, even if it was inevitable.
Money is what makes the world go 'round. It trumps everything. Love included. I should know, it broke up my only relationship I've ever had. I'm living at home again because of it. I had to leave all my friends back east because of it.
No sex makes dan a dull boy...

D-

Holy Mother Of Fuck :Part Two

Another Counter-Coulter Bust - May 4, 2005

Guy asks Ann Coulter if right wing men all fuck their wives up the ass.

Priceless.

D-

Grocery Shopping at the Alamo

I went grocery shopping with my Mom today. Well, not entirely grocery shopping. She likes to go to this thrift store called Savers on Monday mornings because they have a sale on stuff with a certain color ticket. She got me a nice coat for a good price and a couple of books. Ever since I came back from Baltimore it's been my job to go along with her to help out with grocery shopping. My Dad loathes going with her and I really don't mind. I usually get fed as part of the deal.
The place she likes to buy food at is enormous. Kind of like an airplane hangar without the airplane and replaced with rows of perishables and Mexicans with screaming babies. In times like those it's lucky that I don't have mind powers like Professor X.
"This just in, a rain of screaming Mexican children rained from the sky over the pacific scaring Japanese tuna fisherman in the area. Scientists say this type of thing only happens off the shores of Cuba, but never falling from the sky at Mach velocities. Greenpeace officials issue a statement condemning offshore toddler use. They also accused the military of using them as a ballistic weapon due to the abundance of them in California malls..."
I used to go shopping all the time with the ex back in B-more. They don't sell Tasty Cakes here which is a shame. Say what you will about the east coast, it seems like English is the more predominant language, even though they speak it with a funny accent...

D-

Same Old Story, Same Old Song and Dance

I had a pair of conversations with my ex yesterday. They couldn't be any more diametrically apposed than a cod cutting itself in chunks and frying it's own ass.

I met her online the first time at around 7pm, it was about 10 pm her time. It was a good talk. I made her laugh while she played literati, we talked baseball, I wallowed in depression hoping for some support. Then she said I was talking to someone else. Well, I wasn't, so I said I wasn't. She said it looked like I was. I was understandably "huh?"

Apparently her AIM was saying I was typing words when I wasn't. I don't know how that little thing works. It doesn't take much to make her act like I'm a prep and she's Andy Sipowitz.
Ask any man if he has lied to his girlfriend, lover, wife, etc., and he says "no" he's a bloody fucking liar. It doesn't help that our relation ship was build on a bedrock of HER lies, but that's a story for another time....

Anyway, we rebound from said thing, I say I'm sorry for troubling her with my Emo tirade, we say our goodbyes. End scene.
I'm up late and online at about 3am she pops online. I was about to go to sleep but, hey, I don't get to talk to her since we broke up (We have always had a weird realtionship 'nuff said).
We get into it about the typing thing on AIM. Again I say I'm not talking to ANYONE. Ever since I broke up with her I have avoided chatting, IMing, forums, with anyone except friends I made on the east coast, who all happen to be MALE. I'm not gay, so they don't count! :P

She does everthing but calling me a liar, brings up the last week of our relationship. Yes, I didn't tell her the bar my friends were taking me to get me drunk were strip bars. It wasn't a lie, it was an omition. She hated the thought of me looking at naked women because it fed into her insecurity about her age and her looks. I didn't care about those things but she never believed me.
Blah Blah Blah, I'm so fed up with her I could spit, 4am rolls around she leaves abruptly. No goodbye. Probably because her sometime now current hubby or her kids came in the room.

I cannot fucking wait to get off A Oh Fucking Hell so I don't have to have that stupid fucking instant Messenger on showing me online all the fucking time! Fuck me, fuck my ex, fuck my stupid fucking life...

D-

Holy Mother Of Fuck :Part One

I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard

I would have thought that you'd need an industrial sized lazer like the one Auric Goldfinger used to nearly cut James Bond's nuts off to invade that svincter.
This made me giggle like a schoolgirl in my room at 2am in the morning.

Brilliant!

D-

Elliot Smith concert@ Unfinished

His life ended way too soon, found this concert online and thought I'd pass it along. Good quality.

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...And So It Begins, Batman.

I have just read the article on 'Batman Begins' in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly this evening. It left me with a sense of euphoria and a warm feeling in my stomache. I've been following the progress of this film for a long time. I'm a dyed in the wool Batman fan, I've been reading his books since...before I could read actually haha. It's important to me that the film does justice to the source material. Well friends, it looks like this one will Not Suck.
I, like many people, would love nothing more than to see Joel Shumacher thrown from a tall building with fish line w/ hooks wrapped around his small entestine and watch him unravel for 30 stories for what he did to the Batman films. He made Adam West's Batman look alot less embarrassing. If I saw Joel in person I would spit in his face, then ask for my $14.00 (both movies) back.
This one, Batman Begins, has got the Nuts my friends. Mark my words. I remember watching the first matinee of Tim Burton's Batman and leaving the theatre with goose bumps up both my arms. If Batman Begins gives me even half of that it will have done it's job.

D-

Dennis Miller, a shadow of his past self.....

DENNIS MILLER (2003): Let me explain …

DENNIS MILLER (1988): Firing Line … you're on cable more than hotel porn. And it says here that you've been spewing conservative rhetoric at a rate that would make Joe McCarthy choke on his noon hoagie. It says here that, on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, you said: "George Bush has allowed us to respect the presidency again." Is this my future? Is this the promise of all those hard years at a low-level state university? (Looks under bed) And am I still wearing white socks with loafers?!


This is brilliant, I thought I was the oly one to notice..

THE MILLER'S CROSSING.

Love songs of a doomed life

I have been floating in limbo as of late. I still haven't heard from my current employer about coming back from work. Some paperwork error or something else vile and mysterious. I spend most days sleeping (or at least attempting) 'til noon. Surfing the web for the news I care about and .jpgs of porn. Going for long walks to the bookstore to look at magazines and books I can't afford to buy. Watching the SF Giants suck they're way though 9 innings of pisspoor baseball hoping and praying to the sporting gods that Barry Bonds comes to save the day. Hell, I wish for the same thing too. I may be the only person who likes Barry Bonds. People only boo because the Giants are out of town. Their opinion means nothing. Fuck them.
I tell myself I need to be creative, even if it seems hopeless. My whole life seems hopeless as of late. The love is gone and sometimes I wonder if that was just a lie I told myself and was unfortunate enough to share with someone else.
I'm bone-dog tired, yet I always have trouble sleeping at night. It's too quiet and my mind comes alive to fill it with stuff. I can't sleep in the day because it's too noisy. Back on the east coast we had either the fan or the air on and the noise was loud and I got used to it. I would sleep hard because I had to. I got my mind in that zone. And it helped matters that I was getting laid. I would sleep even when the woman snored like a felled wildabeast, it was a tribute to my survival skills getting through the summer months there. The heat was unbearable.
I had a long rambling talk with a friend from the east coast on instant messenger the other night. We talked sports, and about old times. I tried to make with the funny haha to fill the scroll. I almost thought he might be an imposter. My ex lying in wake ready to scream at me for going to strip clubs behind her back with my friends at work. She hated the thought of me looking at any woman other that her, and would become a shrill harpy about any percieved or otherwise glances. I would become a neurotic mess about her hacker skills, she having used those skills to break into several of my e-mail accounts thinking me a web-lothario. God I hated her as much as I loved her sometimes.
I have one local friend I talk to since I've come home. Most people here have their head burrowed up their own asses and problems they have no time for people the likes of me. I'm not pretty or very witty in person and too damn shy to get laid. But this is nothing new.

Enough indulgence and self pity for one night,

D-

Quotes of interest

Science and Education

"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
-- Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years

"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data."
-- Arthur Conan Doyle, (Sherlock Holmes, Scandal in Bohemia, 1891)

D-

Comic Book Rant Part 1

I have collected comics for it seems all my life. Through thick and thin they are one of the constants of my life. I'm primarily a DC Comics fan but I've read everything at one time or another. Indys, Marvel, anything that was good at the time.
When you do something for an extended period of time you form your own opinions about the thing that you love.
Let's Start,
When I read a comic about a certain character, let's say Batman for a good example, I buy the damn comic to read about Batman. If it's a superhero team-book, like The Avengers, you can focus on any member of the group and get away with it. You can read an issue about The Beast and Wonderman on a road trip across New York State looking for the cinnamon Girl. Or Giantman and the Wasp shagging like crazed aardvarks for 26 pages. It doesn't matter. It could be a good read. Why Not?
But let's say the book has the name Batman on the cover. It stars Batman. He is presumably the star of the book. Big letters on the cover. He sells the book. As he should. Because HE'S FUCKING BATMAN, right?
Okay, let's say I'm douche bag indy comic book writer (not that all indy comic book writers are douche bag, just this one in particular). I get the chance to write for the big company that publishes Batman, Superman, etc. Mainstream characters, Iconic stuff that will be around long after I'm gone and the Republican have scorched the earth looking for the last bit of fossil fuel. Anyway, said writer lands a comic with one of these characters in it.
Now if it were me, I would cherish the thought of writing for my favorite character. Sure it's work-for-hire. Sure I don't own shit when I'm done. But to have the chance to put my mark on the Icon that I love would make me giddy. Make my Geek Heart weep with joy. Playing with the best toy in the toybox.
Okay, said writer lands a dream job, best toy in the box. The front of the book says BATMAN, who would you think said writer would write about?
No, think again.
Bruce Wayne's female Bodyguard.
Whoops, said bodyguard finds out he's Batman.
Huh? What?
Her POV the entire time.
Admittedly some people felated all over this. But they were people WHO DIDN'T READ BATMAN BOOKS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Anyway, the bottom line IMO, if you're going to write a book about Superman, Batman, Wonderwoman, write about the main character. Call the book "The Adventures of Bruce Wayne's Boyguard". Otherwise it's a waste of my fucking time.
If you're writing a Star Trek story about Kirk, Spock and McCoy don't write about some Ensign on deck 11. Again, it's a waste of my fucking time. Call the Book "The Adventures of Ensign Kelso, Hypospray Cleaner". I don't care what you call it, just call it WHAT IT IS.
End of sermon, for now.
D-

hope is overrated

I had a job interview today at a bank. Well, not exactly a job interview, a teller's test. I sat in the waiting room with a sweet girl who was also taking the test. I guestimated she was prabably in her early 20's, beautiful blonde, vivacious, a red sweater that had a scoop-neck that couldn't contain pointy full breasts. She talked to me, which in my view, made my last couple of months. I was nervious as shit, even with an old friend from Target helping give the test. I talked up to and after the test, like 60 miles an hour. It was a test on teller related functions. Counting out money, but we were being timed. I Hate That. I know I probably flunked it. Even with a beautiful girl and two fellow geeks in the room. I was so fucking nervious counting imaginary money no less. I felt like i was going so slow, filling out that application before and after the test. God I can be such a dork.
Some people want to believe that god exists and he looks out for everyone like Superman patrolling the skies of Metropolis. I think of the times I screamed in my head for 'god' to help me, to ease my pain from my life in Baltimore coming apart at the seams. One night I just burst into tears, like they where shooting from a fire hydrant. "he is not listening, he's not there. there is no god." I still believe that to this day even when the pain is stitching over a bit. In a way it's comforting, it's like one question has been answered. I can go on.
Even when the God-Heads who have our govt, in their thrall spouting anyway they can about so-called moral values. God, jesus, and religion are for people who have nothing or everything. The people who want something or want to keep something. Nobody thanks god/jesus when they lose the big game or get hit by a bus. They blame themselves. Why not cut out the middle diety?

D-

Go Team Venture Season Two!!

Publick Nuisance

"..and so it is official...The Venture Bros. has been picked up for another season of 13 episodes! Having been forced to sit on this information for a week or two, it's nice to tell you all finally."

Official Site Here

How William Shatner Went From Has-Been to Icon in Seven Self-Aware Steps

How William Shatner Went From Has-Been to Icon in Seven Self-Aware Steps

"The TV success coincides with raves for his cheekily titled album, Has Been, produced by indie star Ben Folds. In a gesture of playful defiance, Shatner, age 73, ends an L.A. concert with “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”—a nod to Transformed Man—then raises a fist. Then flips the bird."

Shatner 3:16 says I just drop kicked your ass!

Porn Addiction Survey

I am 75% addicted to Porn. What about you?