She looked at me sweetly, flashing her wicked smile.
"Wanna go for a ride?"
"Anywhere with you," was my reply.
It was no lie.
ANY where.
She could drive me to hell and I'd just turn on the air conditioning.
The air outside was moist and crisp with the fog rolling in from the bay.
As I left my warm house behind I looked inside her fast little car.
She sticks her tongue out at me.
Little scamp, daddy's going to have to spank.
Maybe later.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday, September 07, 2006
"Blood on the Highway"
Current mood: cranky
All of this could probably be traced back to me not driving.
I could argue and have many valid points as to why I shouldn't be driving, but, in the end it's part of my problem.
The problem that is my life as it is now.
I don't get invited out to do things because I don't drive. I don't have a decent / living wage job because I don't drive. I can't invite people to do anything because I don't drive a car to transport anyone in. I could go on and on ad nausium.
Driving makes me nervious. I've had panic attacks just taking the test.
Blame "Blood on the Highway" also. A cautionary tale shown to us by my driving class teacher back when they still showed "film strips" on old projectors.
I know I'm dating myself, piss off.
Mangled bodies splattered all over the road, jutting out of mangled cars. Legs and brains laying in the road without their owners.
I wasn't even allowed to see rated R movies at the time and they were showing me this shit. Car as weapon of mass destruction. Marry that to my Dad driving around like Dale Earnhardt Sr. with me in the back hanging on for dear life (this was back before seat belt laws).
Can you say "childhood trauma" boys and girls?
Listen I know I need to learn how to drive, I have no illusions about that. Part of my social life as a human being has been lost because of this. Pile ontop everything else in my life and that's a road to hoe, brotha.
*Sigh*
Anyway, that's me thinking again....
D-
1:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
In Dreams
Current mood: drained
Welcome to my place
I hope you don't mind the mess
It was such a surprise
Finding you there
It may have been the alcohol
But I feel light headed
Something about being around you
Makes me fly
It was so hot in that place
I needed to get out
The noise made it hard for me
To hear you
Forgive me for wanting
To hang on every word
It's been so long since
Someone made me feel
Time go so quickly
In a good way I mean
This whole night feels electric
Like I'm wired up like a kid
On Pixie Stix
You'll forgive me for acting so
Strangely
It's the way you look at me
It makes me feel safe
Like I knew you before
Does it sound cliche?
My face feels hot
I need to sit down
Can I hold your hand?
If I'm running a fever
Or have the flu
If being here with you
Made me sick
I hope I never get well
I wish this were real
I wish it wasn't a dream
I don't want to wake
I just want to sleep.
D-
1:12 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, September 04, 2006
Dragging Low
Today I tried to take it easy. The last four days had taken their pound of flesh from me and I was achey and dizzy. I went out for a little while, walked around Borders with my Mom and bought some early christmas presents for my niece and nephew. My niece is a budding artist and I think that's pretty darn cool. I think I was the same when I was her age. I wish I had the energy to put twards my art that I used to.
I need a few more days to relax, maybe walk to the beach like I did a couple weeks ago. Work has gotten worse and worse lately. I'm afraid it's going to buck me off like an enraged bull before I can motivate myself to find something else. It's all getting old, unless something starts to look up my days are numbered in that place...
I had a really nice conversation online with a sister of a friend. It seems like whenever I'm attracted to someone they're either taken or severely not attracted to me. I need to start playing in a new sandbox or my crotch is going to drop off from atrophy.
D-
11:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Old Wounds, Old Friends, etc.
Current mood: contemplative
I'm thinking of visiting the east coast, the Baltimore area to be exact.
The place that I first found love and lost it.
It might as well have been a foreign country to me. They spoke with a different accent, ate alot of different things than what I was used to, different social climate altogether.
It was my home for two years.
It was my first time for alot of things. Living on my own, having and living with my first gf.
First snowfall, first blizzard, first baseball game (Camden Yards, Giants vs. Orioles), first concert (Everclear/Matchbox 20/Lifehouse- Baltimore Arena), First truly fucking hot summer (90 degrees 100 percent humidity).
First time getting drunk.
First time someone who loved me broke my heart
I still have friends there and it suprises me that they still remember me. I've always thought myself as a 'slip-under-the-radar' type of guy.
I still have alot of unresolved feeling for that place. Putting old ghosts to bed might be good for me. And having some fun with friends and raising some hell sounds pretty damn sweet from where I'm standing now.
I wonder if I should go see my ex. She's back with her ex-husband after she kicked me back across the country. I got really close with her family when I was there. There were so nice and made me feel like a part of them. I was so scared and homesick and it meant so much to me.
It's certainly something to think about.
D-
1:34 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, September 02, 2006
"This is my boom-stick, you primates!"
Current mood: annoyed
When you work around the public as much as I do you get to hate people.
There, I said it.
On a busy day you get treated like the last human in a zombie movie. Everyone wants a piece of you. They all feel entitled to your undivided attention. They all want what they want NOW. It must be what it's like being a teacher for mentally disabled children.
There are signs for everything there. For the bathroom, for the price-scanners, for the departments, for the isles numbers, for the shit in the isle, for the service desk, etc. Do people take the time to read? Shit no.
The company doesn't want to spend the money to have enough people for the sales floor and the cash register either so we have to go back and forth thus insuring that neither job gets done to their satisfaction.
Not to say the people who work there aren't innocent. Some people come there to work and some come there to hang out and do less than zero and collect a check until someone gets wise and fires them.
One either shakes their head in the bull-headed futility of it all or goes insane.
My schedule insures that I don't have any life whatsoever. My take home pay insures that I have to live at home or live with an army of roommates for the rest of my life. Not having a life insures that I won't get laid like ever. Being depressed all the time pretty much dooms me from having any friendships or lasting relationships.
Need I go on?
Yes I'm being negative. Someone show me the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, goddamnit. Give me a reason not to be depressed for 5 fucking seconds.
I don't rant and rave and poor my heart out because I'm another Emo twit. I don't feel the need to put on an affectation that I'm so deep and moody either. Nothing annoys and dismays me more than when someone doesn't understand me. Understanding and communication are important to me.
Ah fuck it, enough ranting for one night....
D-
Currently listening :
Gentlemen
By The Afghan Whigs
Release date: By 05 October, 1993
1:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, September 01, 2006
This Ain't About Regrets....
Current mood: frustrated
Tonite, due to circumstances unknown to me, I was wearing the team lead hat tonite. I was in twelve places at once and had to be right there right fucking now. I think I'm not enough of a person who gets off on ordering people around for that gig. I just tried to get things done the best I could and that's the jist of it.
I just wish I didn't have to do that AND do my regular job too.
Pile ontop of that some mr. big whig whoopie fucking doo is coming into town tomorrow morning, multiple call-offs, and not enough cashiers....
I need to lay down before I fall down.
God help the next person that attempts to get in my face about anything.
D-
2:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday's Child
Current mood: depressed
I try so hard
To keep it together
Seems like standing in place
Takes forever
Going faster just tires me out
Leaving sweat on my scalp
Trying to ignore my
Latest disaster
I need something to
Make it all okay
I need to be forgiven
For the holes in my soul
And the pitfalls within
I need an angel
To hold on tight
Help me say aloft
It's hard to feel
Anything but alone
It's not enough to talk anymore
Everyone seems so far
Away
Everyone's afraid of me
That my gravity has failed
And the vacuum remains
Clutching blindly
Pulling in the light
Leaving only dark
'Til the sun blinks out
I fear that all my hurt
Will make me bitter and hard
Spirit crushed like
Waves on the shore
Make it go quickly
Or at least make it seem that way
I don't care which
Anymore
D-
Currently listening :
Hot Fuss
By The Killers
Release date: By 15 June, 2004
3:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Storybook Story
Current mood: depressed
Once upon a time there was a boy who was a man.
He lived a long time with an old soul and a young heart in a city by the ocean.
The boy lived his life the best he can and tried to help people more than himself.
One day he found an odd feeling that he hadn't felt in a long while.
He thought that it was love but he wasn't quite sure.
It was for a beautiful girl who acted like a woman, one who didn't think of him as anything.
He knew this and tried to fight it.
As the loneliness grew in his life his heart took mattters into it's own hands.
Or to his wrist to be more precise.
One morning he woke up and found his heart had travelled to rest on his sleeve.
He was suprised to say the least.
His head had always won battles with his heart in the past.
But there it was, red and beating, on his arm.
He went to people he knew for counsel.
Hoping that they would help him bring closure to the drama.
This only made matters worse in his small community.
He was afraid of what the girl might think if he showed her his rebel valve-pump.
(she already seemed nervious around him already)
It seemed the only way to make it go away.
He grappled on how to say it.
He tried to show her in person.
The pain was unberrable and the heart thudded like a ticking clock.
In his desperation he even considered cutting it off.
But instead he wrote her a letter.
Opologetically stating how his heart felt for her, his brain knowing what a lost cause it was.
The heart was actually suprised when the golf club hit it.
She thought it was a bug, and reacted as such.
The man with the old soul knew that the heart was a metaphor but wasn't counting on the real pain.
Life hasn't changed for better or worse since that day. Days exchange names one after the other and move along and on. The man hopes he has learned from his mistakes but ....he knows better.
The End
D-
1:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Another One
Current mood: cranky
Shitty Shitty Fuck Fuck
Shitty Shitty FUCK
Another day at work
The place makes me think thoughts that shouldn't be allowed. Like I literally have to think like a rabid werewolf in order to get though the day.
I need a life, I need some affection, I need to wake up from a sound and restful sleep next to someone soft and warm and smells like perfume and vanilla.
I need a new drug.
I need to have one of those moments that makes me feel like god really exists.
Show me something you slacker! Might as well be talking to myself for all the good it does. Show me I'm wrong to think you don't exist, you douche!
Yeah, yeah, I know. Move along, nothing to see here....
D-
3:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 25, 2006
Everything Falls Apart
Current mood: tired
Everyone seems to be leaving or thinking about leaving.
Retail work works in cycles, people stay/ people leave. Even more so since the place is made up of military people and students for the most part. The work can be soul crushing and that throws people off too. It's like a giant rolling turd going down hill. People stick for a minute then get flung off covered in feces, or they stay stuck in the centrifical force and stay. The country side of their lives rolling about just out of reach while stuck in dung unable to move.
Sometimes you just want it all to hit a big rock that spatters you and the shit you're stuck in. You walk away sodden but free.
Until the money runs out. Time to find a new job!
Some people become friends, sometimes you hate their guts, most of the time they're "just someone you work with". I've had a long run, seen alot of people come and go, maybe I've overstayed my welcome.
Or maybe I'm just tired.
D-
1:57 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
"Blood on the Highway"
Current mood: cranky
All of this could probably be traced back to me not driving.
I could argue and have many valid points as to why I shouldn't be driving, but, in the end it's part of my problem.
The problem that is my life as it is now.
I don't get invited out to do things because I don't drive. I don't have a decent / living wage job because I don't drive. I can't invite people to do anything because I don't drive a car to transport anyone in. I could go on and on ad nausium.
Driving makes me nervious. I've had panic attacks just taking the test.
Blame "Blood on the Highway" also. A cautionary tale shown to us by my driving class teacher back when they still showed "film strips" on old projectors.
I know I'm dating myself, piss off.
Mangled bodies splattered all over the road, jutting out of mangled cars. Legs and brains laying in the road without their owners.
I wasn't even allowed to see rated R movies at the time and they were showing me this shit. Car as weapon of mass destruction. Marry that to my Dad driving around like Dale Earnhardt Sr. with me in the back hanging on for dear life (this was back before seat belt laws).
Can you say "childhood trauma" boys and girls?
Listen I know I need to learn how to drive, I have no illusions about that. Part of my social life as a human being has been lost because of this. Pile ontop everything else in my life and that's a road to hoe, brotha.
*Sigh*
Anyway, that's me thinking again....
D-
1:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
In Dreams
Current mood: drained
Welcome to my place
I hope you don't mind the mess
It was such a surprise
Finding you there
It may have been the alcohol
But I feel light headed
Something about being around you
Makes me fly
It was so hot in that place
I needed to get out
The noise made it hard for me
To hear you
Forgive me for wanting
To hang on every word
It's been so long since
Someone made me feel
Time go so quickly
In a good way I mean
This whole night feels electric
Like I'm wired up like a kid
On Pixie Stix
You'll forgive me for acting so
Strangely
It's the way you look at me
It makes me feel safe
Like I knew you before
Does it sound cliche?
My face feels hot
I need to sit down
Can I hold your hand?
If I'm running a fever
Or have the flu
If being here with you
Made me sick
I hope I never get well
I wish this were real
I wish it wasn't a dream
I don't want to wake
I just want to sleep.
D-
1:12 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, September 04, 2006
Dragging Low
Today I tried to take it easy. The last four days had taken their pound of flesh from me and I was achey and dizzy. I went out for a little while, walked around Borders with my Mom and bought some early christmas presents for my niece and nephew. My niece is a budding artist and I think that's pretty darn cool. I think I was the same when I was her age. I wish I had the energy to put twards my art that I used to.
I need a few more days to relax, maybe walk to the beach like I did a couple weeks ago. Work has gotten worse and worse lately. I'm afraid it's going to buck me off like an enraged bull before I can motivate myself to find something else. It's all getting old, unless something starts to look up my days are numbered in that place...
I had a really nice conversation online with a sister of a friend. It seems like whenever I'm attracted to someone they're either taken or severely not attracted to me. I need to start playing in a new sandbox or my crotch is going to drop off from atrophy.
D-
11:40 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Old Wounds, Old Friends, etc.
Current mood: contemplative
I'm thinking of visiting the east coast, the Baltimore area to be exact.
The place that I first found love and lost it.
It might as well have been a foreign country to me. They spoke with a different accent, ate alot of different things than what I was used to, different social climate altogether.
It was my home for two years.
It was my first time for alot of things. Living on my own, having and living with my first gf.
First snowfall, first blizzard, first baseball game (Camden Yards, Giants vs. Orioles), first concert (Everclear/Matchbox 20/Lifehouse- Baltimore Arena), First truly fucking hot summer (90 degrees 100 percent humidity).
First time getting drunk.
First time someone who loved me broke my heart
I still have friends there and it suprises me that they still remember me. I've always thought myself as a 'slip-under-the-radar' type of guy.
I still have alot of unresolved feeling for that place. Putting old ghosts to bed might be good for me. And having some fun with friends and raising some hell sounds pretty damn sweet from where I'm standing now.
I wonder if I should go see my ex. She's back with her ex-husband after she kicked me back across the country. I got really close with her family when I was there. There were so nice and made me feel like a part of them. I was so scared and homesick and it meant so much to me.
It's certainly something to think about.
D-
1:34 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, September 02, 2006
"This is my boom-stick, you primates!"
Current mood: annoyed
When you work around the public as much as I do you get to hate people.
There, I said it.
On a busy day you get treated like the last human in a zombie movie. Everyone wants a piece of you. They all feel entitled to your undivided attention. They all want what they want NOW. It must be what it's like being a teacher for mentally disabled children.
There are signs for everything there. For the bathroom, for the price-scanners, for the departments, for the isles numbers, for the shit in the isle, for the service desk, etc. Do people take the time to read? Shit no.
The company doesn't want to spend the money to have enough people for the sales floor and the cash register either so we have to go back and forth thus insuring that neither job gets done to their satisfaction.
Not to say the people who work there aren't innocent. Some people come there to work and some come there to hang out and do less than zero and collect a check until someone gets wise and fires them.
One either shakes their head in the bull-headed futility of it all or goes insane.
My schedule insures that I don't have any life whatsoever. My take home pay insures that I have to live at home or live with an army of roommates for the rest of my life. Not having a life insures that I won't get laid like ever. Being depressed all the time pretty much dooms me from having any friendships or lasting relationships.
Need I go on?
Yes I'm being negative. Someone show me the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train, goddamnit. Give me a reason not to be depressed for 5 fucking seconds.
I don't rant and rave and poor my heart out because I'm another Emo twit. I don't feel the need to put on an affectation that I'm so deep and moody either. Nothing annoys and dismays me more than when someone doesn't understand me. Understanding and communication are important to me.
Ah fuck it, enough ranting for one night....
D-
Currently listening :
Gentlemen
By The Afghan Whigs
Release date: By 05 October, 1993
1:59 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, September 01, 2006
This Ain't About Regrets....
Current mood: frustrated
Tonite, due to circumstances unknown to me, I was wearing the team lead hat tonite. I was in twelve places at once and had to be right there right fucking now. I think I'm not enough of a person who gets off on ordering people around for that gig. I just tried to get things done the best I could and that's the jist of it.
I just wish I didn't have to do that AND do my regular job too.
Pile ontop of that some mr. big whig whoopie fucking doo is coming into town tomorrow morning, multiple call-offs, and not enough cashiers....
I need to lay down before I fall down.
God help the next person that attempts to get in my face about anything.
D-
2:45 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wednesday's Child
Current mood: depressed
I try so hard
To keep it together
Seems like standing in place
Takes forever
Going faster just tires me out
Leaving sweat on my scalp
Trying to ignore my
Latest disaster
I need something to
Make it all okay
I need to be forgiven
For the holes in my soul
And the pitfalls within
I need an angel
To hold on tight
Help me say aloft
It's hard to feel
Anything but alone
It's not enough to talk anymore
Everyone seems so far
Away
Everyone's afraid of me
That my gravity has failed
And the vacuum remains
Clutching blindly
Pulling in the light
Leaving only dark
'Til the sun blinks out
I fear that all my hurt
Will make me bitter and hard
Spirit crushed like
Waves on the shore
Make it go quickly
Or at least make it seem that way
I don't care which
Anymore
D-
Currently listening :
Hot Fuss
By The Killers
Release date: By 15 June, 2004
3:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Storybook Story
Current mood: depressed
Once upon a time there was a boy who was a man.
He lived a long time with an old soul and a young heart in a city by the ocean.
The boy lived his life the best he can and tried to help people more than himself.
One day he found an odd feeling that he hadn't felt in a long while.
He thought that it was love but he wasn't quite sure.
It was for a beautiful girl who acted like a woman, one who didn't think of him as anything.
He knew this and tried to fight it.
As the loneliness grew in his life his heart took mattters into it's own hands.
Or to his wrist to be more precise.
One morning he woke up and found his heart had travelled to rest on his sleeve.
He was suprised to say the least.
His head had always won battles with his heart in the past.
But there it was, red and beating, on his arm.
He went to people he knew for counsel.
Hoping that they would help him bring closure to the drama.
This only made matters worse in his small community.
He was afraid of what the girl might think if he showed her his rebel valve-pump.
(she already seemed nervious around him already)
It seemed the only way to make it go away.
He grappled on how to say it.
He tried to show her in person.
The pain was unberrable and the heart thudded like a ticking clock.
In his desperation he even considered cutting it off.
But instead he wrote her a letter.
Opologetically stating how his heart felt for her, his brain knowing what a lost cause it was.
The heart was actually suprised when the golf club hit it.
She thought it was a bug, and reacted as such.
The man with the old soul knew that the heart was a metaphor but wasn't counting on the real pain.
Life hasn't changed for better or worse since that day. Days exchange names one after the other and move along and on. The man hopes he has learned from his mistakes but ....he knows better.
The End
D-
1:27 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Another One
Current mood: cranky
Shitty Shitty Fuck Fuck
Shitty Shitty FUCK
Another day at work
The place makes me think thoughts that shouldn't be allowed. Like I literally have to think like a rabid werewolf in order to get though the day.
I need a life, I need some affection, I need to wake up from a sound and restful sleep next to someone soft and warm and smells like perfume and vanilla.
I need a new drug.
I need to have one of those moments that makes me feel like god really exists.
Show me something you slacker! Might as well be talking to myself for all the good it does. Show me I'm wrong to think you don't exist, you douche!
Yeah, yeah, I know. Move along, nothing to see here....
D-
3:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 25, 2006
Everything Falls Apart
Current mood: tired
Everyone seems to be leaving or thinking about leaving.
Retail work works in cycles, people stay/ people leave. Even more so since the place is made up of military people and students for the most part. The work can be soul crushing and that throws people off too. It's like a giant rolling turd going down hill. People stick for a minute then get flung off covered in feces, or they stay stuck in the centrifical force and stay. The country side of their lives rolling about just out of reach while stuck in dung unable to move.
Sometimes you just want it all to hit a big rock that spatters you and the shit you're stuck in. You walk away sodden but free.
Until the money runs out. Time to find a new job!
Some people become friends, sometimes you hate their guts, most of the time they're "just someone you work with". I've had a long run, seen alot of people come and go, maybe I've overstayed my welcome.
Or maybe I'm just tired.
D-
1:57 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Thursday
Current mood: melancholy
I wish
Like I do every night
That I can make it through tomorrow
That I can be strong enough
That I can keep it together
I wish I could just quit
Run away and hide
I'm not the man I used to be
Or maybe I just haven't changed enough
I wish I had an ego to deflect it
Or the social skills to bounce back from it
It just makes me mad
Self loathing after
Then depressed
And I can't stop it
Even when I know it's there
If only
If Only...
D-
3:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
My Missing Part
Current mood: lonely
I'm sitting in my room
It's getting kinda late
The clouds inside decide to part a bit
And I wonder where she is
Is she sitting in the dark like I am
Wondering if I exist
They say there's someone for everyone
But then they say alot of things
If I could save one small dream from harm
It would be that one
That even if I never met her
( if the fates want their last joke upon me)
The missing puzzle piece that my heart lacks
That she be loved and cherished
Made to feel wanted
That even if I spend my life alone
My missing part wouldn't be
I could live with that sacrifice
Knowing even if I'm not happy
Someone I love is
I wish that for anyone who's brought light to my life
Like the song lyrics go:
"I'm never going to know you now,
But I'm going to love you anyhow"
D-
Currently listening :
XO
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 25 August, 1998
3:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday
Current mood: melancholy
I wish
Like I do every night
That I can make it through tomorrow
That I can be strong enough
That I can keep it together
I wish I could just quit
Run away and hide
I'm not the man I used to be
Or maybe I just haven't changed enough
I wish I had an ego to deflect it
Or the social skills to bounce back from it
It just makes me mad
Self loathing after
Then depressed
And I can't stop it
Even when I know it's there
If only
If Only...
D-
3:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
My Missing Part
Current mood: lonely
I'm sitting in my room
It's getting kinda late
The clouds inside decide to part a bit
And I wonder where she is
Is she sitting in the dark like I am
Wondering if I exist
They say there's someone for everyone
But then they say alot of things
If I could save one small dream from harm
It would be that one
That even if I never met her
( if the fates want their last joke upon me)
The missing puzzle piece that my heart lacks
That she be loved and cherished
Made to feel wanted
That even if I spend my life alone
My missing part wouldn't be
I could live with that sacrifice
Knowing even if I'm not happy
Someone I love is
I wish that for anyone who's brought light to my life
Like the song lyrics go:
"I'm never going to know you now,
But I'm going to love you anyhow"
D-
Currently listening :
XO
By Elliott Smith
Release date: By 25 August, 1998
3:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, August 28, 2006
Survey@myspace.com
1.)How many times a day would you kiss me?
2.)How many times a day would you just want to hold me?
3.)Would you take me places?
4.)Would you love me?
5.)If we went out on a date would you have me pay for it?
6.)Would you take me anywhere special?
7.)If I was sick... what would you do?
8.)If we had sex...what would you do afterwards?
9.)If one of my friends tried to get with you what would you do?
10.)Would you tell me?
11.)Would you listen to all my problems and help me solve them?
12.)Would you introduce me to your mom/dad?
13.)Would you care about what I wore when we go out?
14.)Would you go to the club with me?
15.)If your friend tried to get with me what would you do?
16.)If someone tried to fight with me in front of you what would you do?
17.)If a girl/boy tried to talk or dance with you at the club what would you do?
18.)Would you give me your myspace password?
19.)If I gave you mine would you read all my mail?
20.)If I said I loved you would you say it back?
21.)Would you have oral sex with me?
22.) How good do i look from 1-10?
23.)How do you feel about me?
24.) Whats my best physical feature?
25.)Would you ever do freaky things in crazy places with me?
26.) you ever wanted to do something with me?
27.) if u had an empty house would u call me to come over?
28.) gonna repost this so i can reply?
MESSAGE THIS BACK TO ME!!!
2.)How many times a day would you just want to hold me?
3.)Would you take me places?
4.)Would you love me?
5.)If we went out on a date would you have me pay for it?
6.)Would you take me anywhere special?
7.)If I was sick... what would you do?
8.)If we had sex...what would you do afterwards?
9.)If one of my friends tried to get with you what would you do?
10.)Would you tell me?
11.)Would you listen to all my problems and help me solve them?
12.)Would you introduce me to your mom/dad?
13.)Would you care about what I wore when we go out?
14.)Would you go to the club with me?
15.)If your friend tried to get with me what would you do?
16.)If someone tried to fight with me in front of you what would you do?
17.)If a girl/boy tried to talk or dance with you at the club what would you do?
18.)Would you give me your myspace password?
19.)If I gave you mine would you read all my mail?
20.)If I said I loved you would you say it back?
21.)Would you have oral sex with me?
22.) How good do i look from 1-10?
23.)How do you feel about me?
24.) Whats my best physical feature?
25.)Would you ever do freaky things in crazy places with me?
26.) you ever wanted to do something with me?
27.) if u had an empty house would u call me to come over?
28.) gonna repost this so i can reply?
MESSAGE THIS BACK TO ME!!!
Friday, August 25, 2006
I'm Guilty
I admit I was wrong
I admit to dreaming
I'm guilty
Looking back on it
I had the best intentions
A place all bad ideas are paved
I wanted to feel
Something other than despair
I wanted her to feel
Loved unconditionally
I know it was
Beyond any type of
lasciviousness
I knew she was
nervous around me
I didn't have a clue
I was contemplating
Something...
Self destructive
I knew how I felt about her
I felt the clock ticking
My fear building
What elevated me
Was also killing me
I knew she didn't really
Feel anything for me
I was blinded
Like being too close to the sun
My brain was inadequate
In controlling my heart
But in the end
It didn't help me
Everything is still tentative
Careful choosing of words
Makes me want to cut myself
Just to feel the pain on the outside
For a change
It's wrong and I'd never do it
But it still hurts
Being the fool
D-
3:03am 8/25/06
I admit to dreaming
I'm guilty
Looking back on it
I had the best intentions
A place all bad ideas are paved
I wanted to feel
Something other than despair
I wanted her to feel
Loved unconditionally
I know it was
Beyond any type of
lasciviousness
I knew she was
nervous around me
I didn't have a clue
I was contemplating
Something...
Self destructive
I knew how I felt about her
I felt the clock ticking
My fear building
What elevated me
Was also killing me
I knew she didn't really
Feel anything for me
I was blinded
Like being too close to the sun
My brain was inadequate
In controlling my heart
But in the end
It didn't help me
Everything is still tentative
Careful choosing of words
Makes me want to cut myself
Just to feel the pain on the outside
For a change
It's wrong and I'd never do it
But it still hurts
Being the fool
D-
3:03am 8/25/06
NEWSARAMA.COM: MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
NEWSARAMA.COM: MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN: "MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
In one issue, he's reset Batman's world to a place like it hasn't been in years - if ever.
With an unabashed admiration for Batman as he was seen in the '70s and '80s ("hairy-chested Neal Adams love god"), Grant Morrison has kicked off his run on DC's Batman like a bat out of…nah - far too easy.
In his first issue, Morrison (along with artist Andy Kubert) have taken Batman out of Gotham, brought Bruce Wayne back to the fore, and reintroduced Kirk Langstrom, Talia, Man-Bat(s), and - Batman's son into the mix.
Morrison's second issue of Batman (#656) hits this week, and we caught up with the writer to talk more about the character and his plans for the book.
Newsarama: First off, why Batman? You've revitalized obscure heroes, are writing Superman, and have done your time with…everyone, and could have anyone…what's the appeal of writing Batman for you?
Grant Morrison: I wanted to work with Andy Kubert, which was a big part of the appeal, and I really got into Batman again after writing JLA Classified in 2004, so when Peter Tomasi came up with this offer it seemed worth pursuing even on top of all the other work. I was already doing Superman in 'All Star', so the idea of writing the Batman comic at the same time, and going back to the source of superhero fiction with the two most primal characters, seemed like too good an opportunity to miss (I had a Wonder Woman pitch too but I stopped with the World's Finest team)!
I felt that by combining the action-movie 'superhero' aspect of Batman with a more candid, behind-the-scenes reality-TV look at Bruce Wayne's life, I could create something that might feel a little fresh and unpredictable. It's definitely a challenge - I'm more comfortable doing surreal science fiction-y stuff and it's good to get a chance to expand my range.
Batman has traditionally been the 'superhero' book, while Detective Comics has always been the crime and mystery book, so it worked out perfectly when Paul Dini chose to focus on the self-contained whodunnits and left me with the superhero action soap opera.
NRAMA: You said some interesting things at San Deigo this year, and I was hoping you could touch upon them again here - the gritty, grim Batman worked for a time, but now…there needs to be a change. What's at the root of the change? Is it the shift in the DCU, a change in the larger zeitgeist of the culture?
GM: Personally, I wanted to see a psychologically 'healthier' Batman - the last couple of decades have seen the character in the comics deconstructed almost to the point of no return and the Bat-books were heavily-laden with an extended family of characters, many of whom existed only to stand in for some part of Batman's personality that had been lost or suppressed over the last twenty years. It seemed like the right moment to step in and start gluing him back together again.
NRAMA: But still, looking at the larger cultural subtext you're writing this in, what makes a grim Batman not appropriate for the world we live in now? Miller's working on a Batman vs. Al Qaeda story, and it's hard to think of a time when we've seen such grimness on the news…shouldn't Batman reflect that in a way, as he did in the late '80s when he first took that turn?
First off, the idea that superhero comics should reflect the news headlines is not one I tend to subscribe to. I've always preferred using my comics to talk about the world around me in the language of symbolism and metaphor and I'm more interested in telling stories about how people behave in bizarre situations than I am in commenting on current events.
Having said that, Batman will always reflect his times: the idea here is not to soften or emotionally reset Batman as an exercise in nostalgia but to make him more real and relatable, while at the same time offering some rationale for his complex multi-faceted personality I want to see a Batman that combines the cynic, the scholar, the daredevil, the businessman, the superhero, the wit, the lateral thinker , the aristocrat. He terrifies the guilty but he has great compassion for the weak and the downtrodden and will lay his life on the line for anybody who's in trouble. He's a master of yoga and meditation who has as much control over his body and his feelings as any human. He has a wider range of experiences than most people will dream of in ten lifetimes. This is not a one-note character! So, while I won't pretend we all live on Sunnybrook Farm, I don't think its appropriate - particularly in trying times - to present our fictional heroes as unsmiling vengeance machines. I'd rather Batman embodied the best that secular humanism has to offer - a sour-faced, sexually-repressed, humorless, uptight, angry, and all-round grim 'n' gritty Batman would be more likely to join the Taliban surely?
NRAMA: Er…
GM: And while we're on that subject...Batman vs. Al Qaeda! It might as well be Bin Laden vs. King Kong! Or how about the sinister Al Qaeda mastermind up against a hungry Hannibal Lecter! For all the good it's likely to do. Cheering on a fictional character as he beats up fictionalized terrorists seems like a decadent indulgence when real terrorists are killing real people in the real world. I'd be so much more impressed if Frank Miller gave up all this graphic novel nonsense, joined the Army and, with a howl of undying hate, rushed headlong onto the front lines with the young soldiers who are actually risking life and limb 'vs' Al Qaeda.
NRAMA: Swinging things back then to your larger picture - you've said that your take on Batman will be a return to the Neal Adams-esque, hairy-chested love god Batman. What's the appeal of that style and those elements for you?
GM: That particular take on Batman seemed to have a broader emotional range than the hand-wringing, self-flagellation that came to serve as a shorthand for the deconstructed Batman of the 80s and 90s. It's not all O'Neil/Adams though; I was influenced by the animated series portrayal of Batman, by Christian Bale's definitive performance in Batman Begins and by Mike Barr's '80s Batman stories with Alan Davis, which swam bravely against the prevailing trends at a time when the grim 'n' gritty current was at its strongest. Rather than a basically unhinged individual who was driven mad , bad, and pointy-eared by the death of his parents, I saw Batman more and more as someone who had saved his own sanity by doing the one crazy thing that actually allowed him to turn his loss into something positive and proactive.
So before starting the book, I read through every Batman story I own and tried to synthesize all of the portrayals - from the '30s to the present day - and all that history into the real life of a single extraordinary man. When you condense nearly 80 years of Batman's adventures into a little more than ten years of Bruce Wayne's life, his descent into grimness becomes not only clear but quite understandable! And the need to get him out of it is even more urgent.
The very rough timeline I have in my head runs as follows - 19 year old Bruce Wayne returns from his journey around the world and becomes the (1930s style) Dark Avenger Gothic Vigilante Batman for his first year of adventures. Then, aged 20, he meets Robin and his whole outlook changes - now he has responsibilities, he becomes less reckless, now he has a partner, he lightens up and learns to have fun again for the first time since his parents died. The police stop chasing him, the Joker stops killing and becomes a playful crime clown, and Gotham is bright and crazy like Vegas. Batman's having the time of his life in his early 20's, fighting colorful villains and monsters with his irrepressible young pal.
But by the time he's in his mid-20s things are starting to go wrong - the first Robin leaves to go to college and hang out with the Teen Titans. Batman enjoys a period as a swinging bachelor for a couple of years but it's not long before the hammerblows start to fall - in rapid succession, the now-homicidal Joker kills Jason Todd, the new Robin, and maims Barbara (Batgirl ) Gordon, Bane breaks Batman's back, then Gotham is devastated by earthquakes, plagues and urban warfare, the Joker kills Jim Gordon's beloved wife, Jason Todd returns corrupted, and a betrayal by his superhero friends leads Batman to the creation of Brother Eye and leads him on to Infinite Crisis where Batman winds up pointing a gun at Alexander Luthor's head before deciding to leave Gotham for a year,
Thinking about it this way, the grim Batman of the last decade or so makes a whole lot of sense - the guy went from cool, assured crimefighter to shattered ***-up, barely clinging on with his fingernails. His mission, his life and his sanity had all gone off the rails. His confidence was shot. After a few years of relentless pain, bad luck and betrayal like Batman's had, any normal man would be canceling the papers, pulling the blinds, then pulling the trigger. We had to address the effect of these tragedies and then move him beyond them.
In the upcoming issue #30 of 52 we see the post-Infinite Crisis Batman reaching rock bottom. The story of how he starts his comeback is revealed in a later issue of the weekly and it's that revitalized Batman Andy and I are picking up on in our book.
NRAMA: And when we catch up with him in issue #656, he's revitalized, reenergized, and kicking ass. Setting things up a little, just prior to this issue, Batman decided to have a blitz on crime? Catch 'em all in as short a time span as possible, right? And the Joker was the final guy?
GM: Pretty much. I wanted to get the traditional villains offstage fast so that I could concentrate on giving Batman a slightly different set of problems to deal with - I knew James Robinson was doing something that wiped out a lot of the bad guys so, in the end, I piggybacked off that.
NRAMA: Just so everyone's on the same page - that was the real Joker getting shot in the real face by a real gun by a guy who wasn't Batman in our reality, right?
GM: No, it was Xorn.
NRAMA: This other guy in the Batman suit - anyone to worry about, or stage dressing to get things where they needed to be?
GM: Everything in my first issue is significant and yes, the un-named cop who shot the Joker and died dressed as Batman feeds into a story which will begin to unfold an arc or two down the line. A nasty can of worms is about to open for the Gotham Police Department and Batman.
NRAMA: Tim mentioned it in the 'cave, but what is the effect of hearing that "Batman" shot the Joker in the face in regards to the rest of Gotham's other criminals? Is there a wave of "Oh shit, he's pissed!" going through the underworld now?
GM: Definitely, but that doesn't stop newer adversaries trying their luck.
NRAMA: Both you and Paul Dini mentioned that you were looking to bring Bruce Wayne back to your respective books. That brings up the obvious - is Bruce the mask for Batman or Batman the mask for Bruce, or…both are the masks of the boy who saw his parents killed decades ago, and, in some respects, ran and hid and hasn't been seen since…or, until now?
GM: It's a slightly different way of looking at the secret identity dynamic. There was a time when I might have argued that 'Bruce Wayne' died on the night his parents were shot and was replaced by 'Batman' but that approach seems a little naive and needlessly dualistic - Bruce Wayne didn't die that night, he survived and then decided to deal with his feelings of loss, rage and vulnerability in an unusual but highly effective manner. Bruce and Batman are the same person - that's the really interesting thing about this character to me now, the way they reflect and create one another to play different essential roles in this man's outrageous life.
NRAMA: Alfred seems to always be on Bruce's case about being more "human" and available…why does Bruce listen to him this time?
GM: The Batman I'm writing about has had a massive change in perspective following events which are detailed in a couple of upcoming issues of 52, as mentioned above - he's a lot more open to suggestions and more willing to act on them after what he's been through.
NRAMA: As you said as well in San Diego - this "humanizing"…it's almost as if Bruce has turned over a new leaf, so much so he's - as you said - telling himself black jokes while he's fighting? He's no longer the caption-box guy with "I hear their bones snap and grind like wet cement?" Can you give an example or two of what's coming in that direction?
GM: Well, I still intend to do 'Miller'-style first person narrative captions which give some insight into Batman's thought processes but it seems more 'realistic' to imagine Batman as a hardcore fightin' man who wouldn't even notice his injuries until long after the fight was over, so no more of that 'MY BACK SPLINTERS INTO A THOUSAND SHARDS OF AGONIZED BONE. HE'S GOOD. HE'S YOUNG. HE'S TOUGHER AND YOUNGER THAN ME. AND TOUGHER. DID I MENTION TOUGHER ? MUSN'T BLACK OUT...' In Batman #657 we see some of the pulp noir narration and non sequitur imagery that goes through Batman's mind during a fight and keeps him from being distracted by his aches and pains.
The boy with Talia - again, just getting everyone on the right page - he's the baby from Son of the Demon? Why pick that particular piece of history (that was at one time argued out of continuity, by Denny O'Neil) back into play?
GM: I was a huge fan of Mike Barr's Batman stories and well aware of the controversy surrounding Son of the Demon, so I thought it might be interesting to launch my run with a story guaranteed to raise some eyebrows. I also really liked the Ibn Al Xu'ffasch character from Kingdom Come (who was essentially the Son of the Demon baby all grown up) and felt that the notion of the bad son had a strong place in Batman lore and could be used to generate some interesting new stories.
I'm trying to put all kinds of things back into Bat-continuity in a way that makes sense, including Bat-Mite and Ace, the Bat-Hound.
NRAMA: Obviously, you're playing up the playboy image of Bruce, and then, there's a kid…recently, Matt Wagner said that he feels Batman/Bruce Wayne is one of the DCU's better-sexed heroes…dunno - just seems natural that you might have a thought or two on all of this…does Bruce Wayne score with any regularity?
GM: I like to think he does. In fact it's my job to imagine it happening, may the lord have mercy on my soul. I figure Bruce does whatever it takes to maintain his health and stay stress free and fit. He would see sex as just another form of exercise with proven health and efficiency benefits. Someone in Bruce Wayne's position would be surrounded by beautiful women all the time and I can't imagine he'd resolutely say no to all of them, and remain uptight and frustrated. I think he'd find partners in his own social circle - party girls, heiresses, models etc - who would be up for no-commitment, no-strings liaisons and who could be guaranteed not to run straight to the tabloids.
NRAMA: Fair enough. So - this week's issue - we're set up…Talia and son have a squad of Man-Bats with them…this can't be good can it?
GM: It's good for readers who want to see Batman duke it out with scores of winged monstrosities. The first arc's a twisted domestic drama about a playboy confronted with his responsibilities.
NRAMA: Where do things spin out from there? Any long range teases?
GM: The plan is to take Batman's life to places we've never seen before, and to pick up on stories and incidents people may have forgotten or overlooked. The fifteen issues I've worked out combine to tell one long story comprised of several smaller arcs - the first one re-introduces Talia and Batman's son in a big splashy James Bond adventure. Then there's a creepy Joker one-off done as an illustrated prose and comics piece, followed by a three part story re-uniting Batman with the Club of Heroes in a 'Name of the Rose' style murder mystery with clues for readers to solve. After that we return to the story of the cop who dressed as Batman, and why, and everything starts to feed into the larger storyline, which takes Batman on a very strange and unusual journey to face a terrifying new villain.
NRAMA: When do we get to see the new Batmobile?
GM: Not for a while - it appears somewhere around issue … but I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.
NRAMA: Finally, how long do you plan on hanging around Batman, Gotham, and everything else?
GM: As I say, I have fifteen issues planned and there's a good chance I'll do more. My goals are to make the Joker soul-destroyingly scary again, to get the reader further into Bruce Wayne's head than ever before and to create at least one good new Batman villain.
We'll see.
MORRISON IN THE CAVE: GRANT MORRISON TALKS BATMAN
In one issue, he's reset Batman's world to a place like it hasn't been in years - if ever.
With an unabashed admiration for Batman as he was seen in the '70s and '80s ("hairy-chested Neal Adams love god"), Grant Morrison has kicked off his run on DC's Batman like a bat out of…nah - far too easy.
In his first issue, Morrison (along with artist Andy Kubert) have taken Batman out of Gotham, brought Bruce Wayne back to the fore, and reintroduced Kirk Langstrom, Talia, Man-Bat(s), and - Batman's son into the mix.
Morrison's second issue of Batman (#656) hits this week, and we caught up with the writer to talk more about the character and his plans for the book.
Newsarama: First off, why Batman? You've revitalized obscure heroes, are writing Superman, and have done your time with…everyone, and could have anyone…what's the appeal of writing Batman for you?
Grant Morrison: I wanted to work with Andy Kubert, which was a big part of the appeal, and I really got into Batman again after writing JLA Classified in 2004, so when Peter Tomasi came up with this offer it seemed worth pursuing even on top of all the other work. I was already doing Superman in 'All Star', so the idea of writing the Batman comic at the same time, and going back to the source of superhero fiction with the two most primal characters, seemed like too good an opportunity to miss (I had a Wonder Woman pitch too but I stopped with the World's Finest team)!
I felt that by combining the action-movie 'superhero' aspect of Batman with a more candid, behind-the-scenes reality-TV look at Bruce Wayne's life, I could create something that might feel a little fresh and unpredictable. It's definitely a challenge - I'm more comfortable doing surreal science fiction-y stuff and it's good to get a chance to expand my range.
Batman has traditionally been the 'superhero' book, while Detective Comics has always been the crime and mystery book, so it worked out perfectly when Paul Dini chose to focus on the self-contained whodunnits and left me with the superhero action soap opera.
NRAMA: You said some interesting things at San Deigo this year, and I was hoping you could touch upon them again here - the gritty, grim Batman worked for a time, but now…there needs to be a change. What's at the root of the change? Is it the shift in the DCU, a change in the larger zeitgeist of the culture?
GM: Personally, I wanted to see a psychologically 'healthier' Batman - the last couple of decades have seen the character in the comics deconstructed almost to the point of no return and the Bat-books were heavily-laden with an extended family of characters, many of whom existed only to stand in for some part of Batman's personality that had been lost or suppressed over the last twenty years. It seemed like the right moment to step in and start gluing him back together again.
NRAMA: But still, looking at the larger cultural subtext you're writing this in, what makes a grim Batman not appropriate for the world we live in now? Miller's working on a Batman vs. Al Qaeda story, and it's hard to think of a time when we've seen such grimness on the news…shouldn't Batman reflect that in a way, as he did in the late '80s when he first took that turn?
First off, the idea that superhero comics should reflect the news headlines is not one I tend to subscribe to. I've always preferred using my comics to talk about the world around me in the language of symbolism and metaphor and I'm more interested in telling stories about how people behave in bizarre situations than I am in commenting on current events.
Having said that, Batman will always reflect his times: the idea here is not to soften or emotionally reset Batman as an exercise in nostalgia but to make him more real and relatable, while at the same time offering some rationale for his complex multi-faceted personality I want to see a Batman that combines the cynic, the scholar, the daredevil, the businessman, the superhero, the wit, the lateral thinker , the aristocrat. He terrifies the guilty but he has great compassion for the weak and the downtrodden and will lay his life on the line for anybody who's in trouble. He's a master of yoga and meditation who has as much control over his body and his feelings as any human. He has a wider range of experiences than most people will dream of in ten lifetimes. This is not a one-note character! So, while I won't pretend we all live on Sunnybrook Farm, I don't think its appropriate - particularly in trying times - to present our fictional heroes as unsmiling vengeance machines. I'd rather Batman embodied the best that secular humanism has to offer - a sour-faced, sexually-repressed, humorless, uptight, angry, and all-round grim 'n' gritty Batman would be more likely to join the Taliban surely?
NRAMA: Er…
GM: And while we're on that subject...Batman vs. Al Qaeda! It might as well be Bin Laden vs. King Kong! Or how about the sinister Al Qaeda mastermind up against a hungry Hannibal Lecter! For all the good it's likely to do. Cheering on a fictional character as he beats up fictionalized terrorists seems like a decadent indulgence when real terrorists are killing real people in the real world. I'd be so much more impressed if Frank Miller gave up all this graphic novel nonsense, joined the Army and, with a howl of undying hate, rushed headlong onto the front lines with the young soldiers who are actually risking life and limb 'vs' Al Qaeda.
NRAMA: Swinging things back then to your larger picture - you've said that your take on Batman will be a return to the Neal Adams-esque, hairy-chested love god Batman. What's the appeal of that style and those elements for you?
GM: That particular take on Batman seemed to have a broader emotional range than the hand-wringing, self-flagellation that came to serve as a shorthand for the deconstructed Batman of the 80s and 90s. It's not all O'Neil/Adams though; I was influenced by the animated series portrayal of Batman, by Christian Bale's definitive performance in Batman Begins and by Mike Barr's '80s Batman stories with Alan Davis, which swam bravely against the prevailing trends at a time when the grim 'n' gritty current was at its strongest. Rather than a basically unhinged individual who was driven mad , bad, and pointy-eared by the death of his parents, I saw Batman more and more as someone who had saved his own sanity by doing the one crazy thing that actually allowed him to turn his loss into something positive and proactive.
So before starting the book, I read through every Batman story I own and tried to synthesize all of the portrayals - from the '30s to the present day - and all that history into the real life of a single extraordinary man. When you condense nearly 80 years of Batman's adventures into a little more than ten years of Bruce Wayne's life, his descent into grimness becomes not only clear but quite understandable! And the need to get him out of it is even more urgent.
The very rough timeline I have in my head runs as follows - 19 year old Bruce Wayne returns from his journey around the world and becomes the (1930s style) Dark Avenger Gothic Vigilante Batman for his first year of adventures. Then, aged 20, he meets Robin and his whole outlook changes - now he has responsibilities, he becomes less reckless, now he has a partner, he lightens up and learns to have fun again for the first time since his parents died. The police stop chasing him, the Joker stops killing and becomes a playful crime clown, and Gotham is bright and crazy like Vegas. Batman's having the time of his life in his early 20's, fighting colorful villains and monsters with his irrepressible young pal.
But by the time he's in his mid-20s things are starting to go wrong - the first Robin leaves to go to college and hang out with the Teen Titans. Batman enjoys a period as a swinging bachelor for a couple of years but it's not long before the hammerblows start to fall - in rapid succession, the now-homicidal Joker kills Jason Todd, the new Robin, and maims Barbara (Batgirl ) Gordon, Bane breaks Batman's back, then Gotham is devastated by earthquakes, plagues and urban warfare, the Joker kills Jim Gordon's beloved wife, Jason Todd returns corrupted, and a betrayal by his superhero friends leads Batman to the creation of Brother Eye and leads him on to Infinite Crisis where Batman winds up pointing a gun at Alexander Luthor's head before deciding to leave Gotham for a year,
Thinking about it this way, the grim Batman of the last decade or so makes a whole lot of sense - the guy went from cool, assured crimefighter to shattered ***-up, barely clinging on with his fingernails. His mission, his life and his sanity had all gone off the rails. His confidence was shot. After a few years of relentless pain, bad luck and betrayal like Batman's had, any normal man would be canceling the papers, pulling the blinds, then pulling the trigger. We had to address the effect of these tragedies and then move him beyond them.
In the upcoming issue #30 of 52 we see the post-Infinite Crisis Batman reaching rock bottom. The story of how he starts his comeback is revealed in a later issue of the weekly and it's that revitalized Batman Andy and I are picking up on in our book.
NRAMA: And when we catch up with him in issue #656, he's revitalized, reenergized, and kicking ass. Setting things up a little, just prior to this issue, Batman decided to have a blitz on crime? Catch 'em all in as short a time span as possible, right? And the Joker was the final guy?
GM: Pretty much. I wanted to get the traditional villains offstage fast so that I could concentrate on giving Batman a slightly different set of problems to deal with - I knew James Robinson was doing something that wiped out a lot of the bad guys so, in the end, I piggybacked off that.
NRAMA: Just so everyone's on the same page - that was the real Joker getting shot in the real face by a real gun by a guy who wasn't Batman in our reality, right?
GM: No, it was Xorn.
NRAMA: This other guy in the Batman suit - anyone to worry about, or stage dressing to get things where they needed to be?
GM: Everything in my first issue is significant and yes, the un-named cop who shot the Joker and died dressed as Batman feeds into a story which will begin to unfold an arc or two down the line. A nasty can of worms is about to open for the Gotham Police Department and Batman.
NRAMA: Tim mentioned it in the 'cave, but what is the effect of hearing that "Batman" shot the Joker in the face in regards to the rest of Gotham's other criminals? Is there a wave of "Oh shit, he's pissed!" going through the underworld now?
GM: Definitely, but that doesn't stop newer adversaries trying their luck.
NRAMA: Both you and Paul Dini mentioned that you were looking to bring Bruce Wayne back to your respective books. That brings up the obvious - is Bruce the mask for Batman or Batman the mask for Bruce, or…both are the masks of the boy who saw his parents killed decades ago, and, in some respects, ran and hid and hasn't been seen since…or, until now?
GM: It's a slightly different way of looking at the secret identity dynamic. There was a time when I might have argued that 'Bruce Wayne' died on the night his parents were shot and was replaced by 'Batman' but that approach seems a little naive and needlessly dualistic - Bruce Wayne didn't die that night, he survived and then decided to deal with his feelings of loss, rage and vulnerability in an unusual but highly effective manner. Bruce and Batman are the same person - that's the really interesting thing about this character to me now, the way they reflect and create one another to play different essential roles in this man's outrageous life.
NRAMA: Alfred seems to always be on Bruce's case about being more "human" and available…why does Bruce listen to him this time?
GM: The Batman I'm writing about has had a massive change in perspective following events which are detailed in a couple of upcoming issues of 52, as mentioned above - he's a lot more open to suggestions and more willing to act on them after what he's been through.
NRAMA: As you said as well in San Diego - this "humanizing"…it's almost as if Bruce has turned over a new leaf, so much so he's - as you said - telling himself black jokes while he's fighting? He's no longer the caption-box guy with "I hear their bones snap and grind like wet cement?" Can you give an example or two of what's coming in that direction?
GM: Well, I still intend to do 'Miller'-style first person narrative captions which give some insight into Batman's thought processes but it seems more 'realistic' to imagine Batman as a hardcore fightin' man who wouldn't even notice his injuries until long after the fight was over, so no more of that 'MY BACK SPLINTERS INTO A THOUSAND SHARDS OF AGONIZED BONE. HE'S GOOD. HE'S YOUNG. HE'S TOUGHER AND YOUNGER THAN ME. AND TOUGHER. DID I MENTION TOUGHER ? MUSN'T BLACK OUT...' In Batman #657 we see some of the pulp noir narration and non sequitur imagery that goes through Batman's mind during a fight and keeps him from being distracted by his aches and pains.
The boy with Talia - again, just getting everyone on the right page - he's the baby from Son of the Demon? Why pick that particular piece of history (that was at one time argued out of continuity, by Denny O'Neil) back into play?
GM: I was a huge fan of Mike Barr's Batman stories and well aware of the controversy surrounding Son of the Demon, so I thought it might be interesting to launch my run with a story guaranteed to raise some eyebrows. I also really liked the Ibn Al Xu'ffasch character from Kingdom Come (who was essentially the Son of the Demon baby all grown up) and felt that the notion of the bad son had a strong place in Batman lore and could be used to generate some interesting new stories.
I'm trying to put all kinds of things back into Bat-continuity in a way that makes sense, including Bat-Mite and Ace, the Bat-Hound.
NRAMA: Obviously, you're playing up the playboy image of Bruce, and then, there's a kid…recently, Matt Wagner said that he feels Batman/Bruce Wayne is one of the DCU's better-sexed heroes…dunno - just seems natural that you might have a thought or two on all of this…does Bruce Wayne score with any regularity?
GM: I like to think he does. In fact it's my job to imagine it happening, may the lord have mercy on my soul. I figure Bruce does whatever it takes to maintain his health and stay stress free and fit. He would see sex as just another form of exercise with proven health and efficiency benefits. Someone in Bruce Wayne's position would be surrounded by beautiful women all the time and I can't imagine he'd resolutely say no to all of them, and remain uptight and frustrated. I think he'd find partners in his own social circle - party girls, heiresses, models etc - who would be up for no-commitment, no-strings liaisons and who could be guaranteed not to run straight to the tabloids.
NRAMA: Fair enough. So - this week's issue - we're set up…Talia and son have a squad of Man-Bats with them…this can't be good can it?
GM: It's good for readers who want to see Batman duke it out with scores of winged monstrosities. The first arc's a twisted domestic drama about a playboy confronted with his responsibilities.
NRAMA: Where do things spin out from there? Any long range teases?
GM: The plan is to take Batman's life to places we've never seen before, and to pick up on stories and incidents people may have forgotten or overlooked. The fifteen issues I've worked out combine to tell one long story comprised of several smaller arcs - the first one re-introduces Talia and Batman's son in a big splashy James Bond adventure. Then there's a creepy Joker one-off done as an illustrated prose and comics piece, followed by a three part story re-uniting Batman with the Club of Heroes in a 'Name of the Rose' style murder mystery with clues for readers to solve. After that we return to the story of the cop who dressed as Batman, and why, and everything starts to feed into the larger storyline, which takes Batman on a very strange and unusual journey to face a terrifying new villain.
NRAMA: When do we get to see the new Batmobile?
GM: Not for a while - it appears somewhere around issue … but I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.
NRAMA: Finally, how long do you plan on hanging around Batman, Gotham, and everything else?
GM: As I say, I have fifteen issues planned and there's a good chance I'll do more. My goals are to make the Joker soul-destroyingly scary again, to get the reader further into Bruce Wayne's head than ever before and to create at least one good new Batman villain.
We'll see.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
anti-social behavior
Current mood: depressed
I have to learn how not to care
I have to learn to blind my soul
I have to learn to be alone
I have to let go of the need
I have to finally lose faith in people
I have to stop the yearning
I need to give up
I need to stop caring what people think of me
I need to get over the concept of relationships
I need to put my heart in a box
I need to hide my soul away
I need to stop wanting things I can't have
I need to stop thinking things will change
I want to stop thinking that it will make a difference
I know I don't have the answers
I need to stop seeing beauty in this world
I need to stop feeling the pain
This feels too much like dying
I don't want to be alone
D-
11:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Half a Lie, Quarter Truth
It's been one hell of a weekend.
Work has been shitty. I've been doing alot more cashiering than my actual job because they've been cutting hours. I've been back and forth so many times in that store I could have walked to Idaho. Anyway, so I was ringing people up and this one guest (we have to call them guests) wasn't convinced that I was "fine" when I said I was. He thought I sounded a "little down".
Yes, Dr. Freud, may I make you some tea and would you like a cigar?
While I appreciated the guest's sentiment I don't really discuss my feelings other than rare occasions at work.
In other words, I end up lying alot. I don't like lying. It just isn't in my character. But, telling the truth about how I'm feeling can be problematic. Call it a "soft lie".
Let's say someone asked me how I'm doing and I said : "I'm really tired because I had trouble sleeping. I've been really depressed and my meds aren't working. My job is becoming more and more like high school with cliques, back stabbing, and I'm still the guy who can't fit in. I haven't had sex in coming up on 2 years and can't find a woman who won't look at me with anything but revulsion."
"But other than that, I'm okay."
See, that just won't work in polite conversation. I say "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" and things go smoothly. People go on their merry way and so do I. It's polite to lie about how you feel. You're doing people a favor.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
This is of the few places where I tell you just how I feel. I may say things here and it's the truth, but at work I'll tell people the soft lie. So, please don't be offended. If there is something you want to talk about that I wrote about here just let me know.
D-
12:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Hamlet's Curse
Current mood: disappointed
Life can be like a cheap horror movie sometimes. When I mean horror it isn't Freddy Kruger or Jason Vorhees jumping down onto two teens screwing in the forrest. It's the common and casual inhumanities that people do to each other.
One of the many (and varied) things I could change about myself is that I wish that I could make it harder for people to treat me like shit.
Okay, that maybe a bit strong but essentially accurate.
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of people. Or maybe too little depending upon your point of view. I admit I'm not the easiest pill to swallow but I'm not a roaring asshole either. I'm clinically depressed for fuck's sake.
Do you blame a guy with one leg for limping?
Okay, maybe I don't wear a t-shirt that says "I went to the doctor's office to get anti-depressents and all I got was this t-shirt" but anyone who's read this blog knows. All 10 of you today.
Okay, I'm a bit paranoid tonite. One of my friends on here deleted me without warning, someone I work with on a regular basis. I noticed it a few days ago but didn't know who until last night. As far as I know I haven't had any problems with this person. Hell, ##### was just at my birthday drink-up last week. At work I found out ##### was having a party tonite.
I don't believe in coincidence.
So I guess I wasn't invited huh?
Behind every smile deception lies in wait. The human heart is full of untold horrors and spite. Work retail long enough you will see colors of all of it.
Disappointment is harder to get over than anger. Disappointment is seeing the potential and having it crumble. People disappoint me
I'm babbling again, time to go.
D-
12:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 19, 2006
The Question
Current mood: cranky
What's the secret?
How do I unlock it?
Is it something I have to buy?
Is it something I just stumble over?
My mind rolls it over and over.
Do I have to submit?
Does it have to break my will?
Do I have to fall all the way down?
Will it find me at the bottom?
Or is it at the top?
(where ever that is)
If no one will give me it
How can I have it?
How long must I wait?
Is it in the waiting that it's achieved?
( I've already waited too long)
Maybe after I've died
(if there's an afterlife)
Will I find it there?
I'm so tired
Does it get any easier?
What do I have to lose?
This has to stop
D-
2:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
anti-social behavior
Current mood: depressed
I have to learn how not to care
I have to learn to blind my soul
I have to learn to be alone
I have to let go of the need
I have to finally lose faith in people
I have to stop the yearning
I need to give up
I need to stop caring what people think of me
I need to get over the concept of relationships
I need to put my heart in a box
I need to hide my soul away
I need to stop wanting things I can't have
I need to stop thinking things will change
I want to stop thinking that it will make a difference
I know I don't have the answers
I need to stop seeing beauty in this world
I need to stop feeling the pain
This feels too much like dying
I don't want to be alone
D-
11:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Half a Lie, Quarter Truth
It's been one hell of a weekend.
Work has been shitty. I've been doing alot more cashiering than my actual job because they've been cutting hours. I've been back and forth so many times in that store I could have walked to Idaho. Anyway, so I was ringing people up and this one guest (we have to call them guests) wasn't convinced that I was "fine" when I said I was. He thought I sounded a "little down".
Yes, Dr. Freud, may I make you some tea and would you like a cigar?
While I appreciated the guest's sentiment I don't really discuss my feelings other than rare occasions at work.
In other words, I end up lying alot. I don't like lying. It just isn't in my character. But, telling the truth about how I'm feeling can be problematic. Call it a "soft lie".
Let's say someone asked me how I'm doing and I said : "I'm really tired because I had trouble sleeping. I've been really depressed and my meds aren't working. My job is becoming more and more like high school with cliques, back stabbing, and I'm still the guy who can't fit in. I haven't had sex in coming up on 2 years and can't find a woman who won't look at me with anything but revulsion."
"But other than that, I'm okay."
See, that just won't work in polite conversation. I say "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" and things go smoothly. People go on their merry way and so do I. It's polite to lie about how you feel. You're doing people a favor.
Or at least that's what I tell myself.
This is of the few places where I tell you just how I feel. I may say things here and it's the truth, but at work I'll tell people the soft lie. So, please don't be offended. If there is something you want to talk about that I wrote about here just let me know.
D-
12:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Hamlet's Curse
Current mood: disappointed
Life can be like a cheap horror movie sometimes. When I mean horror it isn't Freddy Kruger or Jason Vorhees jumping down onto two teens screwing in the forrest. It's the common and casual inhumanities that people do to each other.
One of the many (and varied) things I could change about myself is that I wish that I could make it harder for people to treat me like shit.
Okay, that maybe a bit strong but essentially accurate.
Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much of people. Or maybe too little depending upon your point of view. I admit I'm not the easiest pill to swallow but I'm not a roaring asshole either. I'm clinically depressed for fuck's sake.
Do you blame a guy with one leg for limping?
Okay, maybe I don't wear a t-shirt that says "I went to the doctor's office to get anti-depressents and all I got was this t-shirt" but anyone who's read this blog knows. All 10 of you today.
Okay, I'm a bit paranoid tonite. One of my friends on here deleted me without warning, someone I work with on a regular basis. I noticed it a few days ago but didn't know who until last night. As far as I know I haven't had any problems with this person. Hell, ##### was just at my birthday drink-up last week. At work I found out ##### was having a party tonite.
I don't believe in coincidence.
So I guess I wasn't invited huh?
Behind every smile deception lies in wait. The human heart is full of untold horrors and spite. Work retail long enough you will see colors of all of it.
Disappointment is harder to get over than anger. Disappointment is seeing the potential and having it crumble. People disappoint me
I'm babbling again, time to go.
D-
12:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 19, 2006
The Question
Current mood: cranky
What's the secret?
How do I unlock it?
Is it something I have to buy?
Is it something I just stumble over?
My mind rolls it over and over.
Do I have to submit?
Does it have to break my will?
Do I have to fall all the way down?
Will it find me at the bottom?
Or is it at the top?
(where ever that is)
If no one will give me it
How can I have it?
How long must I wait?
Is it in the waiting that it's achieved?
( I've already waited too long)
Maybe after I've died
(if there's an afterlife)
Will I find it there?
I'm so tired
Does it get any easier?
What do I have to lose?
This has to stop
D-
2:14 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Make Me a Whisper
Current mood: depressed
I came home from work tonite and I cried.
No, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I thought I had myself togther, I thought I had somewhat of a hold on things.
But life decided in bold, groping, dry-humping, jack-hammering, red-faced alcoholic, motherfucking relief to let me know just how fucked up I still am.
I sat on my bed and the warm bubble of the days exertions was still surrounding me. I had to force it out like it was bad seafood I had for dinner. I knew if I didn't let out the pain it was just going to go back into hiding like it always does only to resurface like some demented whack-a-mole. It was more of a convulsion than anything else. Like a seizure.
I'm suprised a piece of my heart didn't come up with all the tears and nasal fluid. I'd pick it up out of my tissue and burn it as a warning to the rest of it.
"All you are is a goddamn valve pump! Stop making me miserable!"
I used to like working Thursdays.
If there's anyone out there who believes in some sort of deity, put in a good word for me. I don't kow what to do anymore and even a dirty cynic like me needs someone to pray for him.
At the end of the night while I was clocking out I quoted Danny Glover's line from Lethal Weapon 1:
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
One of my co-workers knew the line and I said "best cop movie of the '80s". The one scene I always remember is Mel Gibson's (before he "jumped the couch") character sitting in his trailer in tears. He loads one 9mm round into the chamber of his Berreta while looking at a photo of his deceased wife. It was either one of the best acting jobs I've seen or it's something he's thought of before and he's re-inacting it. First he considers putting the barrel under his chin, eyes wild and glazed over with grief. Then he settles for putting the barrel inside his mouth, the muzzel probably resting on the roof. Of course he decides against it otherwise the movie would have been over.
At the end of the movie, when all the bad guys are dead, Riggs and Murtaugh meet up at his family's house. Riggs says, quoting loosley:
"Let me tell you a secret. I'm not crazy"
"I know." he says back and they go eat and the credits roll.
I've been in the same spot as he has for a while and let me tell you a secret.
I'm not crazy, I'm just in pain. I'm not as pretty as Mel but it doesn't mean I'm cruel or deranged. I could never hurt anyone, if you don't count myself.
I can't stand it if people are nervious around me, that's probably where my sense of humor comes from.
I'm rambling again, don't mind me....
D-
12:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Self Autopsy
Current mood: thoughtful
I admit this, I'm pretty hard on myself.
I tend to beat myself over alot of things that most people would let slide off of them like water off a duck's back. I mean you can't expect things to be perfect in your life. Lord knows I'm not perfect in any way what so ever.
Whenever I want things to turn out in my favor they always burst into flames.
It's my failures, with people, that haunt me.
Most of the time I'm a walking bag of loose wiring held together by pure will. It annoys the living shit out of me when I can't do anything right when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I feel like punching walls and destroying bathrooms like that guy in "Punch-Drunk Love". All I've ever wanted is to express myself correctly and not make an ass out of myself in the process.
Not that making a fool of myself has a time or place, mind you.
One of the most fullfilling moments in life, I believe, is looking into someone's eyes and not fear, not hesitate. To know the person in front of you understands you and is cool with that. Trust is a big thing in my life, but finding someone to trust in this life is hard.
Especially for a walking basket case like me it's even harder.
I've made an ass out of myself in that pursuit recently and it still stings like a motherfucker. Everytime I see her it makes me wince and I can only hope that time will scab over the pain.
I beat myself up, and after all these years it doesn't hurt any less. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe someday the fates will be kind and give me that perfect moment where it counts.
Or if not perfect, at least good enough.
I can live with that.
D-
Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002
9:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Back in the Saddle Again
Current mood: contemplative
Well, it's been 6 days without having to work and I've gotten a few things done I was hoping to. I had a pretty darn good birthday. I dunno this year it wasn't about the presents it was more to do with how I felt.
I don't want to overdramatize this more than I should, I mean, all those people who came out were probably not there to see me. In fact I know that a few were there to see off my friend who is moving to the east coast.
That and he's not a troll, like me.
He's a hell of a nice guy and I wish him all the luck in the world. The get-together was supposed to be for him too so it worked out nicely. I really thank everyone for coming out no matter what their reasons were. It felt great to be around people and have some fun.
I'm kinda mixed about going back to work. I really liked being away from the place for a while and not running around like a damn fool all day. On the other hand everyone I know is there and I kinda miss being useful.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.....
D-
2:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My Shotglass Runeth Over With Friends & Fun
Current mood: content
I think in planning that birthday thingie I made a few mistakes.
I've had my cell phone since febuary and I'm still learning how to text message. I probably missed inviting a few people in the process, and I opologize for botched communication on my part. Plus I didn't get to go into work and personally invite a few people. Sorry!
I was stuck putting together a computer desk with my dad for most of the day. My familia bbqed some steaks for me which was nice. They didn't know what to get for me. When I said things like 'ipod' and 'new monitor for my comp' they looked at me like I was from Mars.
I ended up spurging for an Ipod for myself.
Thanks me! You shouldn't have!
*cough*
The highlight of my day was getting to spend some time having fun with friends. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to show up! It made me feel really good and overwhelmed that you all came by to say hi to little old me. So I want to say THANK YOU all from the bottom of my old, weird, geeky heart!
I was proud of myself that I had a few drinks and didn't make an ass of myself. And if I did, I'm sure there'e photographic evidence floating around.
Anyway, ah, good times....
D-
1:05 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Make Me a Whisper
Current mood: depressed
I came home from work tonite and I cried.
No, I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I thought I had myself togther, I thought I had somewhat of a hold on things.
But life decided in bold, groping, dry-humping, jack-hammering, red-faced alcoholic, motherfucking relief to let me know just how fucked up I still am.
I sat on my bed and the warm bubble of the days exertions was still surrounding me. I had to force it out like it was bad seafood I had for dinner. I knew if I didn't let out the pain it was just going to go back into hiding like it always does only to resurface like some demented whack-a-mole. It was more of a convulsion than anything else. Like a seizure.
I'm suprised a piece of my heart didn't come up with all the tears and nasal fluid. I'd pick it up out of my tissue and burn it as a warning to the rest of it.
"All you are is a goddamn valve pump! Stop making me miserable!"
I used to like working Thursdays.
If there's anyone out there who believes in some sort of deity, put in a good word for me. I don't kow what to do anymore and even a dirty cynic like me needs someone to pray for him.
At the end of the night while I was clocking out I quoted Danny Glover's line from Lethal Weapon 1:
"I'm getting too old for this shit."
One of my co-workers knew the line and I said "best cop movie of the '80s". The one scene I always remember is Mel Gibson's (before he "jumped the couch") character sitting in his trailer in tears. He loads one 9mm round into the chamber of his Berreta while looking at a photo of his deceased wife. It was either one of the best acting jobs I've seen or it's something he's thought of before and he's re-inacting it. First he considers putting the barrel under his chin, eyes wild and glazed over with grief. Then he settles for putting the barrel inside his mouth, the muzzel probably resting on the roof. Of course he decides against it otherwise the movie would have been over.
At the end of the movie, when all the bad guys are dead, Riggs and Murtaugh meet up at his family's house. Riggs says, quoting loosley:
"Let me tell you a secret. I'm not crazy"
"I know." he says back and they go eat and the credits roll.
I've been in the same spot as he has for a while and let me tell you a secret.
I'm not crazy, I'm just in pain. I'm not as pretty as Mel but it doesn't mean I'm cruel or deranged. I could never hurt anyone, if you don't count myself.
I can't stand it if people are nervious around me, that's probably where my sense of humor comes from.
I'm rambling again, don't mind me....
D-
12:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Self Autopsy
Current mood: thoughtful
I admit this, I'm pretty hard on myself.
I tend to beat myself over alot of things that most people would let slide off of them like water off a duck's back. I mean you can't expect things to be perfect in your life. Lord knows I'm not perfect in any way what so ever.
Whenever I want things to turn out in my favor they always burst into flames.
It's my failures, with people, that haunt me.
Most of the time I'm a walking bag of loose wiring held together by pure will. It annoys the living shit out of me when I can't do anything right when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I feel like punching walls and destroying bathrooms like that guy in "Punch-Drunk Love". All I've ever wanted is to express myself correctly and not make an ass out of myself in the process.
Not that making a fool of myself has a time or place, mind you.
One of the most fullfilling moments in life, I believe, is looking into someone's eyes and not fear, not hesitate. To know the person in front of you understands you and is cool with that. Trust is a big thing in my life, but finding someone to trust in this life is hard.
Especially for a walking basket case like me it's even harder.
I've made an ass out of myself in that pursuit recently and it still stings like a motherfucker. Everytime I see her it makes me wince and I can only hope that time will scab over the pain.
I beat myself up, and after all these years it doesn't hurt any less. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe someday the fates will be kind and give me that perfect moment where it counts.
Or if not perfect, at least good enough.
I can live with that.
D-
Currently listening :
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: By 27 August, 2002
9:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Back in the Saddle Again
Current mood: contemplative
Well, it's been 6 days without having to work and I've gotten a few things done I was hoping to. I had a pretty darn good birthday. I dunno this year it wasn't about the presents it was more to do with how I felt.
I don't want to overdramatize this more than I should, I mean, all those people who came out were probably not there to see me. In fact I know that a few were there to see off my friend who is moving to the east coast.
That and he's not a troll, like me.
He's a hell of a nice guy and I wish him all the luck in the world. The get-together was supposed to be for him too so it worked out nicely. I really thank everyone for coming out no matter what their reasons were. It felt great to be around people and have some fun.
I'm kinda mixed about going back to work. I really liked being away from the place for a while and not running around like a damn fool all day. On the other hand everyone I know is there and I kinda miss being useful.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.....
D-
2:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My Shotglass Runeth Over With Friends & Fun
Current mood: content
I think in planning that birthday thingie I made a few mistakes.
I've had my cell phone since febuary and I'm still learning how to text message. I probably missed inviting a few people in the process, and I opologize for botched communication on my part. Plus I didn't get to go into work and personally invite a few people. Sorry!
I was stuck putting together a computer desk with my dad for most of the day. My familia bbqed some steaks for me which was nice. They didn't know what to get for me. When I said things like 'ipod' and 'new monitor for my comp' they looked at me like I was from Mars.
I ended up spurging for an Ipod for myself.
Thanks me! You shouldn't have!
*cough*
The highlight of my day was getting to spend some time having fun with friends. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to show up! It made me feel really good and overwhelmed that you all came by to say hi to little old me. So I want to say THANK YOU all from the bottom of my old, weird, geeky heart!
I was proud of myself that I had a few drinks and didn't make an ass of myself. And if I did, I'm sure there'e photographic evidence floating around.
Anyway, ah, good times....
D-
1:05 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Elliott Smith, happy belated b-day
Current mood: exhausted
I remember the first time I heard Elliott Smith sing.
It was on the Oscars, he was nominated for best song along with Celine Dione (sp) that year. It was the year of "Titanic" and was sweeping most of the awards. I was personally rooting for "L.A. Confidential" that year because the movie was a almost perfect adaptation of the novel (also I'm a huge James Ellroy fan). Of course Celine Dione had this huge production for her song for "My Heart Will Go On" from that James Cameron Crapfest. The whole orchestra was rousted from the pit near the stage and was there on stage for her song.
For his song, Elliott Smith was on stage in a white suit, with an accoustic guitar, by himself. He sang his song "Miss Misery" from "Good Will Hunting" bowed politely and left.
I remember really liking the song and the lack of pomp was a nice change (Dione ended up winning that year).
A couple of years went by and I was out in Lawn and Garden freezing my ass off on a closing shift. I had sneaked a copy of Rolling Stone with me to help pass the time. I read a review of "Figure 8", at the time his latest album. I bought it then picked up his albums whenever I came across them.
I remember hearing about his death in Baltimore when I was living with my ex. It came as a shock as it did many people. I was in the pits of the death throes of my first love affair. I was still working as much as I could to appease my ex. I was busing it to work almost everyday picking up hours whenever I could. An hour there and an hour back. I listened to his postumous album "From A Basement on a Hill" quite a bit to pass the time. I hoped to figure out why he died by listening to the album which has alot of dark imagery. The coroners report says he commited suicide, but that's up for debate.
Since the break up I listen to his music at least once a day. My ex used to say that I shouldn't listen to his music because it was too sad.
I beg to differ, his music helps me with my depression because it shows me I'm not alone. That it's ok. It's comfort when other people don't understand (or don't want to). Sure, whenever someone asks me who I'm listening to and I say Elliott Smith they don't know who I'm talking about.
That's ok too, their loss.
So, happy belated birthday Elloitt. He would have been 37 on August 6th.
Thanks for helping me out....
Say Yes.mp3
Happiness.mp3
Waltz #2 (XO).mp3
D-
3:00 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
I'm Still Here
Current mood: contemplative
With my birthday just around the corner I wonder if I've made any progress. In some ways I think I have, in others I've stalled out. I've made some friends and I've....lost others. I've tried to be a good and helpful person to those around me. And, to paraphrase the words of songwriter Johnny Lee "looked for love in all the wrong places" apparently.
I've been depressed, occasionally I've been moody, sometimes sarcastic, unconsolebly tragic, unrepentantly annoyed, achingly heartbroken, near the redline of mental breakdown.
But....
I'm still here.
34 fucking years old.
I need to get toasted, I'm well overdue for some fun.
D-
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Monday, August 07, 2006
"Disturbing"
Can you hear that?
From the look on your face
I know you didn't
It's not something people expect
And from the set of your eyes
It's not something you wish to know
You only see it if you care enough
I know
One look at me and it's
Easily disregarded
I didn't know what to expect
And in the end
I didn't know what to do
Either way it destroyed me
Like a part of me went rotten
And had to be cut out
Thrown away
Gangrenous and sickly smelling
It had to be done I told myself
It was a part of me
Beautiful in it's way
Until it hit the open air and died
A radio signal going one way
Stillborn and not meant to be
Alien and alone
Like me
I was a fool
I knew that knowingly
It's not my habit
I'm sorry
If you found it
Disturbing
D-
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Sunday, August 06, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
You'll never see the last of me...
Current mood: cynical
One day
Maybe soon
I'll disappear
And no one will notice
It will be so quiet
It's like I was never there
I'm not a person
Who makes a scene
Sometimes the greatest protest
Against the people who live in a
Bubble of self interest
Is to deprive them
Of the memory of you
No closure
No slamming of doors
No bang and wimper
Just one day
Slip out the door
Take one last look then....
gone
D-
3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 04, 2006
How To Break Your Own Heart
Current mood: crappy
Be self loathing
Be neurotic
Always think things will go your way
Believe in the wrong people
Believe in happy endings
Believe life is just and kind
Give your heart to people who don't want it
Love people who don't care about you
Always think you'll be invited
Always think there's room for you
Believe in a god who likes to see you squirm
Believe in a god who wants to see you die for him
Believe that if you do throw him the idol that he will throw you the whip
(adios señor)
Let your heart override your head
Let your passion get the better of you
Understand when people hurt you
Let the sadness kill you inside
Kick yourself when you're down
Let self destruction have the keys
Let the void of death tempt you
Don't see tomorrow
D-
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Thursday, August 03, 2006
Yeah, I know...
Current mood: intimidated
I'm a fool, gimme the funny hat. I'll wear it.
I feel drained and strung along.
Like my frontal lobe has been scraped with sandpaper.
I want to lay in my bed and die.
I never wanted this, but it had to come out.
Like a tumor that plays your favorite songs
Little did I know I'd be the laughing stock
It was killing me.
I was considering being a drunk
Or eating alot of pills
When you can't rein in your silly dreams, insanity isn't far behind
I was at odds with my logic and it was starting to bend.
I mean, if I can't love myself what chance do I have?
Maybe it was a cry for help
Or a self desructive urge
I didn't want to be scared of her anymore
I needed to explain
I'm not a monster
Or a studdering idiot
Maybe a hopless romantic
Or just hopeless
D-
Currently listening :
Daisies of the Galaxy
By Eels
Release date: By 14 March, 2000
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You'll never see the last of me...
Current mood: cynical
One day
Maybe soon
I'll disappear
And no one will notice
It will be so quiet
It's like I was never there
I'm not a person
Who makes a scene
Sometimes the greatest protest
Against the people who live in a
Bubble of self interest
Is to deprive them
Of the memory of you
No closure
No slamming of doors
No bang and wimper
Just one day
Slip out the door
Take one last look then....
gone
D-
3:37 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, August 04, 2006
How To Break Your Own Heart
Current mood: crappy
Be self loathing
Be neurotic
Always think things will go your way
Believe in the wrong people
Believe in happy endings
Believe life is just and kind
Give your heart to people who don't want it
Love people who don't care about you
Always think you'll be invited
Always think there's room for you
Believe in a god who likes to see you squirm
Believe in a god who wants to see you die for him
Believe that if you do throw him the idol that he will throw you the whip
(adios señor)
Let your heart override your head
Let your passion get the better of you
Understand when people hurt you
Let the sadness kill you inside
Kick yourself when you're down
Let self destruction have the keys
Let the void of death tempt you
Don't see tomorrow
D-
1:36 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Yeah, I know...
Current mood: intimidated
I'm a fool, gimme the funny hat. I'll wear it.
I feel drained and strung along.
Like my frontal lobe has been scraped with sandpaper.
I want to lay in my bed and die.
I never wanted this, but it had to come out.
Like a tumor that plays your favorite songs
Little did I know I'd be the laughing stock
It was killing me.
I was considering being a drunk
Or eating alot of pills
When you can't rein in your silly dreams, insanity isn't far behind
I was at odds with my logic and it was starting to bend.
I mean, if I can't love myself what chance do I have?
Maybe it was a cry for help
Or a self desructive urge
I didn't want to be scared of her anymore
I needed to explain
I'm not a monster
Or a studdering idiot
Maybe a hopless romantic
Or just hopeless
D-
Currently listening :
Daisies of the Galaxy
By Eels
Release date: By 14 March, 2000
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Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
"My god Bones, what have I done...?"
"What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."
Kirk and McCoy from Star Trek III
Apparently I've shot myself in the foot.
Lemme Explain....
When I started writing this blog, or as I like to call it "online therapy". I've always been careful never to name names of the people I've been talking about.
And anyway, who really gives a shit about how I feel anyway?
It seems as though all the spewtum, stomache acid, bile, and all manner of gut juice I've been deposting here has spilled over into my waking life.
Namely: My Job
What I felt at work the other day is just the beginning I fear, now I have to survey the damage a whole lot faster than muthafuckin' FEMA.
One of you kind folks out there is a good enough detective to connect the lines
(yes, I'm being paranoid, but every good paranoid has to have some facts to back him up), and to those who have been paying attention, cheers.
I now have new drama in my life, which is something I did not want. I have enough drama between my thinning hairline and my Flintstone feet to last a thousand therapy visits.
But anyhoo....
I'm going to try to catch Miami Vice tonite. Rolling Stone gave it a pretty solid review and I'm a sucker for Michael Mann crime flicks.
Wish me luck,
D-
4:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
A Whisper to a Scream
Current mood: bitchy
As I walked into work today I braced for the inevitable. Well, maybe not inevitable. It could have been just another day.
The place was busy with guests, and I looked over at food court and I saw ######## and ####. She was talking animatedly, I should have taken that as my first clue.
As I walked over to the office door there was a cluster of people I knew in front of the photo lab and then....I got "the look".
I wanted to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. It's that look that says "yes, we were talking about you and you didn't put the toilet seat down". The old "stank eye" if you will.
I said hello and they dispersed.
As I walked inside and clocked in my face got hot and my stomache felt like it was playing Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" way too fucking loud.
I came out and got my go-backs and still felt it all penning me in. I went back and started picking up in my dept. for the first time of the night. It felt like I was running a fever, my brain went into overdrive calculating all the "worst case senarios". I mean I even considered #### having me jumped before I came into work and smashing my face in. Having to stumble inside with my face looking like 12 miles of bad road and blood all over my red shirt. Or even getting fired, or even given some 25 cent nails and being put UP for the night. With a wreath left over from Christmas looped around my head for just for added irony.
It's not like I did anything bad, just maybe not the smartest thing in the world. It was something I could live with. If it not for the "social reprecussions" it could have been a sunny spot in my world.
That sound you hear in the distance isn't the sea, IT'S MY BITTER LAUGHTER.
After a while, when my curiosity finally got the better of me, I went to a reliable source who knows who's talking about who. The "Gossip Yoda" if you will. After some small talk she knew I had something specific to talk about.
"Do you know what people are saying about me?" I ask in barely held together dread.
"All I know is something about a letter and the recipient needing to talk to you about it." she said clearly seeing seeing the pain in my expression.
She knows, they know, every-FUCKING-one knows. Because...
My heart sank into my shoes. I felt ill.
Because ######## told them.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I took a breath, "No, but I'll talk to you later."
And that was the start of my day. I friend of mine came over to talk to me. His department was clear over on the other side of the store and just telling by his demeanor he knew something was up. Although to his credit he didn't say anything about it and I appreciated that.
I texted ######## during my lunch break to ask, tongue so firmly in my cheek it was protruding out of my cheek-bone, if she wanted to talk to me. She said yes, but later. I suggested tomorrow. She said maybe.
So there you have it.
The rest of the night actually wasn't too bad, we even got out of there a little early. If given my druthers I'd rather have... emotional conflagrations on a day off rather than at work.
Word to the wise children: when you put yourself out there emo, AND you want to keep it private, AND you have a suspicion you don't think the person will take it in the spirit it's delivered in.
Wear a helmet, dude.
D-
1:51 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The Tao of Daniel
Current mood: quixotic
Go forward
Face the day
Try to smile
(even if they knock your teeth in)
Control what you can
Ride out what you can't
Take the bump
Roll with it
Move away from your mistakes
('cause you'll make more later)
Rein in the impulse to slap stupid people
(even when they deserve it)
Suffer your own indictments
(eventually it gets tired and walks off)
Again, try to smile
(otherwise people think you're mad at them)
Help people when you can
(eventually it will come back to you....hahah, just kidding)
Laugh instead of cry
('cause laughing is easier to explain)
Always have a joke ready
(just in case you need to change the subject)
The best days and the worst days end eventually
(then there's tomorrow to deal with)
D-
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Monday, July 31, 2006
Nightmares Become Me
Current mood: depressed
The lies you project on the outside world
The imaginary scars in your chest
Is the reality the negative things that poison my mind
Or is it really the thought of a gun in mouth being comforting
I want to be high and stay there
The twisting mood swing tumbling back down that kills me
I look at my knife collection and wonder
Which one of these can cut it out of me?
Gut the Fear
Gut the Anger
Gut the Self Hate
I know this story
I've heard it a million times before
The holes in me with nothing to fill them with
My life left deflated on the floor
I'm too old and too diseased to help
I fear no-one can help me
Who am I anymore?
I just don't know
Is it the pain that defines me?
I pretend
I pretend everyday
They don't know me
It's probably for the best
I hate the me people don't see
And the one they see
I don't know whether to believe my perceptions anymore
It's all ghosts and shadows
Maybe I need to let it all go
D-
1:44 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Living The Suicide Life
Current mood: crushed
I feel about as low as a thin dime in the gutter right now. I don't know whether to fall asleep or cry. I'm having trouble keeping it together.
I either did something that might be thought of as very good or truly stupid. Right now I sure don't know which and it's all my fault.
It could blow up in my face or it could be nothing, I don't know which is worse.
What I thought as something huge in my life. I thought about it long and hard for months. It could become something good, or big and angry, or be nothing but a mouse fart.
I want to run and hide, I want someone to say it's okay....
I did this, I can't undo it, I just have to live with it.
My heart is on a string, is it a pinyata?
My heart is on my sleeve, it's dripping on my shoes.
My heart is in a box, I want to smash it.
I told someone I love them today.
I didn't have the nerve to say it aloud
I wrote it in a note
Like a fucking schoolboy
I was so nervious
I was creeping myself out
I considered venting my anger outside on a bench
Knowing me I'd break my hand
God, I'm an idiot
Sick in the head and heart
All I wanted was to lighten the load
I should have known better
D-
Currently listening :
Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
By Eels
Release date: By 26 April, 2005
12:16 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 30, 2006
It's not going away
Current mood: discontent
My beautiful sickness,
my ugly interior scars,
my dire longings,
my self inflicted wounds,
my diverted suicide runs,
my lost chances,
my morose visage,
never never never never never never never never.....
Maybe?
Stolen glances,
needful yearnings,
greedy scumbag feelings,
air sucking heart,
empty promises,
self told lies,
self deluded dreams of happiness.
God hates me because I'm a loser,
God helps those who help themselves,
Jesus loves you if you believe in him,
heaven opens to you if you repent.
How do you repent if you believe in nothing?
She's too young,
I'm too old,
she doesn't love me,
I love her transendant,
heart beats half way molded into a brick wall of pure nothingness,
fire is snuffed in a vacuum.
Why am I still alive?
We had a talk
We made a deal
(or at least I thought, it was one sided)
I offered consessions
Make me happy and I'll believe
Just take the pain away
Take the loneliness away
I'll believe
I promise
I'll believe anything
I have a will of steel
Open my eyes or shut them forever
I won't ask questions
I'll believe the fuzzy logic
I'll believe the lie
I'll hate the people you want
Even if it's not their fault
I'll believe your flaming sword is righteous
Just let me see the love
I'm starving with need
Even if my mind shrieks
I need hope
It's hard to walk
It's hard to see
It's hard to feel
It's hard not to feel
everything
I'm so tired
I'll cry and beg
Just don't let me fall
D-
Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006
2:24 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Saturday, July 29, 2006
The Outside In
Current mood: depressed
When you're a guy like me, you have to get your information in unusual ways.
You have to be a detective.
When you're not exactly Mr.or Ms. Popular in order to learn about the people around you have to be observe them. This isn't as hard as it seems, when you are on the outside looking in, people don't notice. You see their body language when they talk. Do they make eye contact when they talk to you?
And you have to listen and file everything away. When they talk to other people do they touch them. How do they stand? What's their posture?
When you're as self consious as I am it really comes in handy. You find out who to avoid and who wants you around.
I think this is why I hold grudges sometimes, because I notice these things more accutely. It's the small things. The things people don't notice.
The small sins that lay in our wake define us. What you don't say is just as important as what you don't. We see only that which we want to see.
I see beauty in people, even if I can't see it in myself. The bad things in life are more tolerable at long as they're honest.
The things that are harder to say are usually the most important.
I'm done for now.....
D-
2:26 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Angel, The Loser and The Hitman : a short story
It starts like this.
I'm sitting in a diner. One of those retro ones that look the same since the '50s. I'm sitting in a boot with blood red naugahyde cushions. The ones that if you shift around make that farting sound. It has to be early because it feels like I haven't slept for days. It must be in Baltimore because the snow is falling outside like fluffy cornflakes.
I realize I feel cold and clammy. I feel the moisture gathering on the top of my head. I look down and the placemat has coupons all over it for local stores. I feel a shudder rise up from the small of my back.
I look up and realize I'm not alone.
An old man in a dark suit looks at me with dead gun-metal blue eyes. He had a cup of black coffee in front of him. Without looking down he tears open packs of sugar and dumps them into his coffee. 4 packets worth. He picks up his spoon and quietly swirls it around the scalping hot liquid.
He doesn't say a word as he coldly gazes at me as I squirm in my seat.
I pick up the napkin that was wrapped around my silverware and wipe my hands. My mouth suddenly feels dry and I sip from a galss of water put there by the waitress it seems like hours ago. I wonder if I ordered something.
Then, finally, he speaks.
"When you contacted me I didn't understand what it was you wanted. I still don't. Could you tell me what it is you want me to do?"
I clear my throat. "I was refered to you by people who said you did unusual jobs. To put it bluntly, you kill people."
My words hang in the air a moment. He pick up his mug and sips from it never taking his eyes off of me.
I continue, "I don't need you to kill someone, per se, I need you to kill something."
"As far as I know 'things' cannot be killed. Now, living things..." He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes "...that's another story."
"What if," I counter, " it's the feelings I have for someone? The impulse it be near them?"
"Are you talking about love?" he lights a cigarette with a chrome zippo with a skull and crossbones engraved on it. He inhales deeply and lets the smoke trail lazily from his nostrels.
"I guess you could say that. Except the person I feel that for doesn't feel that for me. Hell, I'm not even sure she likes me at all." Somehow saying the words, even to a total stranger, relieves some of the pent up tension.
The man's dark eyes soften slightly, then he laughs. "Have you thought about, gee I don't know, asking her? It's not that hard you know."
"You know many times I've told myself that?" I feel the frustration rise in my chest. I look down at the table and try to compose myself. The man in the dark suit cranes his head looking for the waitress to refill his coffee cup.
"Anyway.." I continue, "it's someone I work with. Plus she's involved with another person I work with. It makes things so damn hard having these feelings inside me under those circumstances. She's said that she likes me as a friend...."
The dark suited man groans and rolls his eyes as if reliving something from his past.
"Oh lord, kill me now..."
I manage a smile. "Happen to you too huh?"
"No fucking comment." He crushes his cig into the glass ashtray.
"It's a feeling I've gotten used to, y'know. Not being...wanted like that by women. Not that I blame them, mind you." Suddenly I'm tired, god I could eat something right now.
Pancakes, maybe.
"I've been shy all my life, and clinically depressed. People don't want to be around that type of person. I'm not exactly pretty either. Someone who has trouble with...interpersonal dynamics. I get nervious, god, do I get nervious. I don't even have a driver's license!"
"Sounds like you need a 'shrink' more than you need a hitman, chief.," the dark man grumbles.
I go on like I don't hear him.
"When you aren't considered boyfriend material by a lady, and still want to know them, you become a confidante. I've become a pretty good listener. I love women, even though they don't love me..."
"That's part of your problem, chief." he said pointing at me with his Pall Mall. "Men and women aren't supposed to be friends. It just doesn't work. Men will always want to have sex even if the woman doesn't want them. There will always be that tension. Well, unless they're gay."
"And I'm not gay," I counter.
"Yeah, I figured that out."
"The shit of it is I respect her. Yeah, she's beautiful, but she's smart, funny, and kind to everyone around her. She doesn't have that polished distain for people around her like some people I know. I know I could be a better person with someone like her in my life. I lost so much faith in the world in the past couple of years. I've been trying to be better. I'm even on medication. But I feel like I'm not a good enough reason to be better."
"I don't follow.." he says cocking an eyebrow.
"Y'know, I don't either," I nod my head ruefully. "Without something to work twards what's the point in being better? On the other hand..."
"That fucking waitress isn't getting a tip." The man is standing now looking around the deserted diner. "I should put a .45 slug in her ass on pure principal."
He sits down and straightens his tie. "Y'know, I could just kill her and save you some hand-wringing. But I don't 'do' women."
"No, I'd rather die myself than be responsible for that. Believe me it'd be a mercy killing putting out my lights."
"...I don't do assisted suicides either. That's something you're going to have to do yourself."
"I think I just need to kill these feelings I have for her. I've used up every logical arguement why I shouldn't feel this way and damn me...."
I realize my face is wet. The tears have become cold in the air and are dripping on the marbled formica tabletop. I wipe my face with the shredded napkin in my hand.
"It just won't leave me alone and it hurts."
The dark suited man runs a hand across his bald head. "I'm not sure I can do anything for you, chief. This isn't in my job description. I kill people, not....love."
I look down at my menu and notice the words are all jumbled up. That's odd.
"Somehow I knew that's what you were going to say."
I stand up and go to the glass doors and step through them. I look at the snow falling lazily to the ground outside. It's not cold, then it finally dawns on me.
I look behind me and the diner is gone. The man in the dark suit is gone. The snow stops.
I wake up in my bed, in California, covered in sweat. My blankets are tangled around me like linen snakes. I roll onto my back and try to loosen their hold on me.
I bring my hands to my face. Turns out only the tears were real.
D-
12:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 24, 2006
"The Good,..." for a change
Current mood: contemplative
I guess I could be accused of focusing on the "The Bad, and the Ugly" when it comes to yours truly. As the scorpion said to the bullfrog: it's in my nature.
So, I've decided to think of things that are good about me. Or at least honorable, maybe admirable, or at least not pitiful. So here we go.
1. I could never, ever, be cruel to an animal. I think people who abuse animals are the scum of the earth. Even as a kid I never did anything like that. I don't even think I could dissect a dead one either.
2. There is no excuse in the world to raise your hand in anger to a woman. My ex GF made me so mad sometimes I could spit blood from my tear-ducts, but I could have never Ever hit her. I don't have that type of violence in me. Which is not to say that playful spanking can't be fun...*cough*
3. Making people laugh makes me feel good. You'd be suprised, after a long day of working with the public, crude and oddball jokes can really boost the moral of everyone around you. The brain reaches a level of atrophy when you work retail. The whole thing makes me punchy, and when I get punchy....nuff said.
4. When people ignore a e-mail, IM, or a text message I don't take it out on them. For example: There's this woman I know, I personally think the world of her. Yes, the whole globe. But she's only ever replied to a message from me once. Once. So she must be busy with a million other things in her life. Things that are so much more important than writing me back Either that or she thinks I'm just a creep and doesn't want to encourage me.
Oh kay, I'm getting off track here. Good things remember? Right..ok.
Moooving on!
5. I always have a greeting for the people I know. And I'll always say I'm fine, even if I'm not (people don't need the drama).
6. I'm a pretty decent shot. I've fired several types of firearms, mostly handguns. As someone once said "It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have one and need it".
7. I used to study art and drew for a long time. I can draw a decent portrait still.
8. I built my own computer not too long ago. It was a nerve-wracking process but I felt very proud I did it myself.
9. I'm a good listener, I think. There is too much talking and not enough listening in this world IMO.
10. Open the door for her, tell her she looks pretty, listen to her, pay for everything, make her feel special because all women are.
11. I always show respect:if it is given and if it isn't you can think "Asshole" and say "Sir".
12. I take a shower everyday whether I need it or not.
That's all I can think of right now. I guess it's not bad for a first try. I don't really take compliments very well anyway.
D-
7:56 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 23, 2006
No Title .1
Current mood: contemplative
I looked under the bed
I checked in my pants pockets
I swept through the corners of my room
I meandered by the doorway
I prodded underneath the covers
I flipped through my books
Browsed through my magazines
Looked out in the yard
Peered underneath the car
Beat the leaves from the bushes
Where did it go?
Everything is out of place
I must be going crazy
Was it ever there at all?
I wonder if I'll ever find it again
Maybe someone will
I don't feel right without it
Maybe what's gone is gone
What will people think of me
It's the headlight of my soul
The light is burning dim
Maybe I should tell them
I've lost my smile
Help me find it?
D-
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"My god Bones, what have I done...?"
"What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance to live."
Kirk and McCoy from Star Trek III
Apparently I've shot myself in the foot.
Lemme Explain....
When I started writing this blog, or as I like to call it "online therapy". I've always been careful never to name names of the people I've been talking about.
And anyway, who really gives a shit about how I feel anyway?
It seems as though all the spewtum, stomache acid, bile, and all manner of gut juice I've been deposting here has spilled over into my waking life.
Namely: My Job
What I felt at work the other day is just the beginning I fear, now I have to survey the damage a whole lot faster than muthafuckin' FEMA.
One of you kind folks out there is a good enough detective to connect the lines
(yes, I'm being paranoid, but every good paranoid has to have some facts to back him up), and to those who have been paying attention, cheers.
I now have new drama in my life, which is something I did not want. I have enough drama between my thinning hairline and my Flintstone feet to last a thousand therapy visits.
But anyhoo....
I'm going to try to catch Miami Vice tonite. Rolling Stone gave it a pretty solid review and I'm a sucker for Michael Mann crime flicks.
Wish me luck,
D-
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A Whisper to a Scream
Current mood: bitchy
As I walked into work today I braced for the inevitable. Well, maybe not inevitable. It could have been just another day.
The place was busy with guests, and I looked over at food court and I saw ######## and ####. She was talking animatedly, I should have taken that as my first clue.
As I walked over to the office door there was a cluster of people I knew in front of the photo lab and then....I got "the look".
I wanted to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. It's that look that says "yes, we were talking about you and you didn't put the toilet seat down". The old "stank eye" if you will.
I said hello and they dispersed.
As I walked inside and clocked in my face got hot and my stomache felt like it was playing Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" way too fucking loud.
I came out and got my go-backs and still felt it all penning me in. I went back and started picking up in my dept. for the first time of the night. It felt like I was running a fever, my brain went into overdrive calculating all the "worst case senarios". I mean I even considered #### having me jumped before I came into work and smashing my face in. Having to stumble inside with my face looking like 12 miles of bad road and blood all over my red shirt. Or even getting fired, or even given some 25 cent nails and being put UP for the night. With a wreath left over from Christmas looped around my head for just for added irony.
It's not like I did anything bad, just maybe not the smartest thing in the world. It was something I could live with. If it not for the "social reprecussions" it could have been a sunny spot in my world.
That sound you hear in the distance isn't the sea, IT'S MY BITTER LAUGHTER.
After a while, when my curiosity finally got the better of me, I went to a reliable source who knows who's talking about who. The "Gossip Yoda" if you will. After some small talk she knew I had something specific to talk about.
"Do you know what people are saying about me?" I ask in barely held together dread.
"All I know is something about a letter and the recipient needing to talk to you about it." she said clearly seeing seeing the pain in my expression.
She knows, they know, every-FUCKING-one knows. Because...
My heart sank into my shoes. I felt ill.
Because ######## told them.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I took a breath, "No, but I'll talk to you later."
And that was the start of my day. I friend of mine came over to talk to me. His department was clear over on the other side of the store and just telling by his demeanor he knew something was up. Although to his credit he didn't say anything about it and I appreciated that.
I texted ######## during my lunch break to ask, tongue so firmly in my cheek it was protruding out of my cheek-bone, if she wanted to talk to me. She said yes, but later. I suggested tomorrow. She said maybe.
So there you have it.
The rest of the night actually wasn't too bad, we even got out of there a little early. If given my druthers I'd rather have... emotional conflagrations on a day off rather than at work.
Word to the wise children: when you put yourself out there emo, AND you want to keep it private, AND you have a suspicion you don't think the person will take it in the spirit it's delivered in.
Wear a helmet, dude.
D-
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The Tao of Daniel
Current mood: quixotic
Go forward
Face the day
Try to smile
(even if they knock your teeth in)
Control what you can
Ride out what you can't
Take the bump
Roll with it
Move away from your mistakes
('cause you'll make more later)
Rein in the impulse to slap stupid people
(even when they deserve it)
Suffer your own indictments
(eventually it gets tired and walks off)
Again, try to smile
(otherwise people think you're mad at them)
Help people when you can
(eventually it will come back to you....hahah, just kidding)
Laugh instead of cry
('cause laughing is easier to explain)
Always have a joke ready
(just in case you need to change the subject)
The best days and the worst days end eventually
(then there's tomorrow to deal with)
D-
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Monday, July 31, 2006
Nightmares Become Me
Current mood: depressed
The lies you project on the outside world
The imaginary scars in your chest
Is the reality the negative things that poison my mind
Or is it really the thought of a gun in mouth being comforting
I want to be high and stay there
The twisting mood swing tumbling back down that kills me
I look at my knife collection and wonder
Which one of these can cut it out of me?
Gut the Fear
Gut the Anger
Gut the Self Hate
I know this story
I've heard it a million times before
The holes in me with nothing to fill them with
My life left deflated on the floor
I'm too old and too diseased to help
I fear no-one can help me
Who am I anymore?
I just don't know
Is it the pain that defines me?
I pretend
I pretend everyday
They don't know me
It's probably for the best
I hate the me people don't see
And the one they see
I don't know whether to believe my perceptions anymore
It's all ghosts and shadows
Maybe I need to let it all go
D-
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Living The Suicide Life
Current mood: crushed
I feel about as low as a thin dime in the gutter right now. I don't know whether to fall asleep or cry. I'm having trouble keeping it together.
I either did something that might be thought of as very good or truly stupid. Right now I sure don't know which and it's all my fault.
It could blow up in my face or it could be nothing, I don't know which is worse.
What I thought as something huge in my life. I thought about it long and hard for months. It could become something good, or big and angry, or be nothing but a mouse fart.
I want to run and hide, I want someone to say it's okay....
I did this, I can't undo it, I just have to live with it.
My heart is on a string, is it a pinyata?
My heart is on my sleeve, it's dripping on my shoes.
My heart is in a box, I want to smash it.
I told someone I love them today.
I didn't have the nerve to say it aloud
I wrote it in a note
Like a fucking schoolboy
I was so nervious
I was creeping myself out
I considered venting my anger outside on a bench
Knowing me I'd break my hand
God, I'm an idiot
Sick in the head and heart
All I wanted was to lighten the load
I should have known better
D-
Currently listening :
Blinking Lights and Other Revelations
By Eels
Release date: By 26 April, 2005
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Sunday, July 30, 2006
It's not going away
Current mood: discontent
My beautiful sickness,
my ugly interior scars,
my dire longings,
my self inflicted wounds,
my diverted suicide runs,
my lost chances,
my morose visage,
never never never never never never never never.....
Maybe?
Stolen glances,
needful yearnings,
greedy scumbag feelings,
air sucking heart,
empty promises,
self told lies,
self deluded dreams of happiness.
God hates me because I'm a loser,
God helps those who help themselves,
Jesus loves you if you believe in him,
heaven opens to you if you repent.
How do you repent if you believe in nothing?
She's too young,
I'm too old,
she doesn't love me,
I love her transendant,
heart beats half way molded into a brick wall of pure nothingness,
fire is snuffed in a vacuum.
Why am I still alive?
We had a talk
We made a deal
(or at least I thought, it was one sided)
I offered consessions
Make me happy and I'll believe
Just take the pain away
Take the loneliness away
I'll believe
I promise
I'll believe anything
I have a will of steel
Open my eyes or shut them forever
I won't ask questions
I'll believe the fuzzy logic
I'll believe the lie
I'll hate the people you want
Even if it's not their fault
I'll believe your flaming sword is righteous
Just let me see the love
I'm starving with need
Even if my mind shrieks
I need hope
It's hard to walk
It's hard to see
It's hard to feel
It's hard not to feel
everything
I'm so tired
I'll cry and beg
Just don't let me fall
D-
Currently listening :
Powder Burns
By The Twilight Singers
Release date: By 16 May, 2006
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Saturday, July 29, 2006
The Outside In
Current mood: depressed
When you're a guy like me, you have to get your information in unusual ways.
You have to be a detective.
When you're not exactly Mr.or Ms. Popular in order to learn about the people around you have to be observe them. This isn't as hard as it seems, when you are on the outside looking in, people don't notice. You see their body language when they talk. Do they make eye contact when they talk to you?
And you have to listen and file everything away. When they talk to other people do they touch them. How do they stand? What's their posture?
When you're as self consious as I am it really comes in handy. You find out who to avoid and who wants you around.
I think this is why I hold grudges sometimes, because I notice these things more accutely. It's the small things. The things people don't notice.
The small sins that lay in our wake define us. What you don't say is just as important as what you don't. We see only that which we want to see.
I see beauty in people, even if I can't see it in myself. The bad things in life are more tolerable at long as they're honest.
The things that are harder to say are usually the most important.
I'm done for now.....
D-
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Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The Angel, The Loser and The Hitman : a short story
It starts like this.
I'm sitting in a diner. One of those retro ones that look the same since the '50s. I'm sitting in a boot with blood red naugahyde cushions. The ones that if you shift around make that farting sound. It has to be early because it feels like I haven't slept for days. It must be in Baltimore because the snow is falling outside like fluffy cornflakes.
I realize I feel cold and clammy. I feel the moisture gathering on the top of my head. I look down and the placemat has coupons all over it for local stores. I feel a shudder rise up from the small of my back.
I look up and realize I'm not alone.
An old man in a dark suit looks at me with dead gun-metal blue eyes. He had a cup of black coffee in front of him. Without looking down he tears open packs of sugar and dumps them into his coffee. 4 packets worth. He picks up his spoon and quietly swirls it around the scalping hot liquid.
He doesn't say a word as he coldly gazes at me as I squirm in my seat.
I pick up the napkin that was wrapped around my silverware and wipe my hands. My mouth suddenly feels dry and I sip from a galss of water put there by the waitress it seems like hours ago. I wonder if I ordered something.
Then, finally, he speaks.
"When you contacted me I didn't understand what it was you wanted. I still don't. Could you tell me what it is you want me to do?"
I clear my throat. "I was refered to you by people who said you did unusual jobs. To put it bluntly, you kill people."
My words hang in the air a moment. He pick up his mug and sips from it never taking his eyes off of me.
I continue, "I don't need you to kill someone, per se, I need you to kill something."
"As far as I know 'things' cannot be killed. Now, living things..." He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes "...that's another story."
"What if," I counter, " it's the feelings I have for someone? The impulse it be near them?"
"Are you talking about love?" he lights a cigarette with a chrome zippo with a skull and crossbones engraved on it. He inhales deeply and lets the smoke trail lazily from his nostrels.
"I guess you could say that. Except the person I feel that for doesn't feel that for me. Hell, I'm not even sure she likes me at all." Somehow saying the words, even to a total stranger, relieves some of the pent up tension.
The man's dark eyes soften slightly, then he laughs. "Have you thought about, gee I don't know, asking her? It's not that hard you know."
"You know many times I've told myself that?" I feel the frustration rise in my chest. I look down at the table and try to compose myself. The man in the dark suit cranes his head looking for the waitress to refill his coffee cup.
"Anyway.." I continue, "it's someone I work with. Plus she's involved with another person I work with. It makes things so damn hard having these feelings inside me under those circumstances. She's said that she likes me as a friend...."
The dark suited man groans and rolls his eyes as if reliving something from his past.
"Oh lord, kill me now..."
I manage a smile. "Happen to you too huh?"
"No fucking comment." He crushes his cig into the glass ashtray.
"It's a feeling I've gotten used to, y'know. Not being...wanted like that by women. Not that I blame them, mind you." Suddenly I'm tired, god I could eat something right now.
Pancakes, maybe.
"I've been shy all my life, and clinically depressed. People don't want to be around that type of person. I'm not exactly pretty either. Someone who has trouble with...interpersonal dynamics. I get nervious, god, do I get nervious. I don't even have a driver's license!"
"Sounds like you need a 'shrink' more than you need a hitman, chief.," the dark man grumbles.
I go on like I don't hear him.
"When you aren't considered boyfriend material by a lady, and still want to know them, you become a confidante. I've become a pretty good listener. I love women, even though they don't love me..."
"That's part of your problem, chief." he said pointing at me with his Pall Mall. "Men and women aren't supposed to be friends. It just doesn't work. Men will always want to have sex even if the woman doesn't want them. There will always be that tension. Well, unless they're gay."
"And I'm not gay," I counter.
"Yeah, I figured that out."
"The shit of it is I respect her. Yeah, she's beautiful, but she's smart, funny, and kind to everyone around her. She doesn't have that polished distain for people around her like some people I know. I know I could be a better person with someone like her in my life. I lost so much faith in the world in the past couple of years. I've been trying to be better. I'm even on medication. But I feel like I'm not a good enough reason to be better."
"I don't follow.." he says cocking an eyebrow.
"Y'know, I don't either," I nod my head ruefully. "Without something to work twards what's the point in being better? On the other hand..."
"That fucking waitress isn't getting a tip." The man is standing now looking around the deserted diner. "I should put a .45 slug in her ass on pure principal."
He sits down and straightens his tie. "Y'know, I could just kill her and save you some hand-wringing. But I don't 'do' women."
"No, I'd rather die myself than be responsible for that. Believe me it'd be a mercy killing putting out my lights."
"...I don't do assisted suicides either. That's something you're going to have to do yourself."
"I think I just need to kill these feelings I have for her. I've used up every logical arguement why I shouldn't feel this way and damn me...."
I realize my face is wet. The tears have become cold in the air and are dripping on the marbled formica tabletop. I wipe my face with the shredded napkin in my hand.
"It just won't leave me alone and it hurts."
The dark suited man runs a hand across his bald head. "I'm not sure I can do anything for you, chief. This isn't in my job description. I kill people, not....love."
I look down at my menu and notice the words are all jumbled up. That's odd.
"Somehow I knew that's what you were going to say."
I stand up and go to the glass doors and step through them. I look at the snow falling lazily to the ground outside. It's not cold, then it finally dawns on me.
I look behind me and the diner is gone. The man in the dark suit is gone. The snow stops.
I wake up in my bed, in California, covered in sweat. My blankets are tangled around me like linen snakes. I roll onto my back and try to loosen their hold on me.
I bring my hands to my face. Turns out only the tears were real.
D-
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Monday, July 24, 2006
"The Good,..." for a change
Current mood: contemplative
I guess I could be accused of focusing on the "The Bad, and the Ugly" when it comes to yours truly. As the scorpion said to the bullfrog: it's in my nature.
So, I've decided to think of things that are good about me. Or at least honorable, maybe admirable, or at least not pitiful. So here we go.
1. I could never, ever, be cruel to an animal. I think people who abuse animals are the scum of the earth. Even as a kid I never did anything like that. I don't even think I could dissect a dead one either.
2. There is no excuse in the world to raise your hand in anger to a woman. My ex GF made me so mad sometimes I could spit blood from my tear-ducts, but I could have never Ever hit her. I don't have that type of violence in me. Which is not to say that playful spanking can't be fun...*cough*
3. Making people laugh makes me feel good. You'd be suprised, after a long day of working with the public, crude and oddball jokes can really boost the moral of everyone around you. The brain reaches a level of atrophy when you work retail. The whole thing makes me punchy, and when I get punchy....nuff said.
4. When people ignore a e-mail, IM, or a text message I don't take it out on them. For example: There's this woman I know, I personally think the world of her. Yes, the whole globe. But she's only ever replied to a message from me once. Once. So she must be busy with a million other things in her life. Things that are so much more important than writing me back Either that or she thinks I'm just a creep and doesn't want to encourage me.
Oh kay, I'm getting off track here. Good things remember? Right..ok.
Moooving on!
5. I always have a greeting for the people I know. And I'll always say I'm fine, even if I'm not (people don't need the drama).
6. I'm a pretty decent shot. I've fired several types of firearms, mostly handguns. As someone once said "It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have one and need it".
7. I used to study art and drew for a long time. I can draw a decent portrait still.
8. I built my own computer not too long ago. It was a nerve-wracking process but I felt very proud I did it myself.
9. I'm a good listener, I think. There is too much talking and not enough listening in this world IMO.
10. Open the door for her, tell her she looks pretty, listen to her, pay for everything, make her feel special because all women are.
11. I always show respect:if it is given and if it isn't you can think "Asshole" and say "Sir".
12. I take a shower everyday whether I need it or not.
That's all I can think of right now. I guess it's not bad for a first try. I don't really take compliments very well anyway.
D-
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Sunday, July 23, 2006
No Title .1
Current mood: contemplative
I looked under the bed
I checked in my pants pockets
I swept through the corners of my room
I meandered by the doorway
I prodded underneath the covers
I flipped through my books
Browsed through my magazines
Looked out in the yard
Peered underneath the car
Beat the leaves from the bushes
Where did it go?
Everything is out of place
I must be going crazy
Was it ever there at all?
I wonder if I'll ever find it again
Maybe someone will
I don't feel right without it
Maybe what's gone is gone
What will people think of me
It's the headlight of my soul
The light is burning dim
Maybe I should tell them
I've lost my smile
Help me find it?
D-
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Saturday, July 22, 2006
Lancing @ Windmills
Current mood: tired
I had that sick feeling at work again.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to change enough to have a decent life. God do I feel used up lately. And this hot weather is making it impossible to sleep. I hate just laying there and sweating.
I think I should maybe stop talking to people anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I've become a bad joke.
I had one goal as of late and I completely chickened out on it. God help me I tried but the words wouldn't form in my mouth. There was never the right moment. The moment in the movies when the music swells and it all comes together. Movies are just bad when it comes to the inner psyche relating to reality.
My own personal reality is starting to become overwelmed with heart ache. Sometimes I feel mad at myself for not knowing how to make it better. I'm beyond beating myself up, I fear I've become numb to it.
Even the simplest things I want have become Don Quiote style lancing at windmills. I've become my own bully taking my own luch money.
Part of me wants to belong, wants to connect with people. The other part sees all the clues in people's eyes and says to run away.
I wonder how people look at me, do I make them nervious, do they quickly look away. Does the conversation end abruptly when I have trouble with eye contact? At least cruelty is honest.
I wish I didn't care. That I could go through life and not care what anyone thinks. Maybe that's the definition of happiness is...
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Friday, July 21, 2006
Villians
Current mood: melancholy
Depression is my nemesis
Doubt and Fear are my enemy
Self Loathing is my drunk co-pilot
Sleep escapes me
Waking up is my crime
Love heckles me from the balcony
Logic walks in the dark basement
People are the things that leave me
My heart is a rabid wolverine
She is the thing I want in my life
Life evades me because I'm not fast enough
Desire hangs it's head and sighs
Hope ticks by and leaves when the heart dies
Death twirls it's gun and smiles
God takes a taxi to the beach
The Devil flies a kite
I fall again
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Thursday, July 20, 2006
It's hard to say "oh well, okay"
Current mood: cranky
Okay, just so's there's no confusion, I know the spot on which I stand looks kinda grim. I'm 33 years old, I don't drive, I live in my parents house, and I work retail (not making a living wage I might add). Also I'm not the most socially adept person in the world. I'm not stupid, alright? I know people are snickering behind my back. If my life were a boxing movie it would be about who stands in the ring and beats himself up.
I'm not braindead, I get it. I'm majorly fucked in the head, or is it the heart? I'm constantly at war with myself. I have some moment of zen when whatever task at hand gives me an escape. I get tired, I get obnoxious, sometimes I feel like giving up, I get moody, I'm a walking set of contradictions.
God I wish I was still doing sculpture. Kneading the clay 'till my knuckles pop! It was fun, It was 3d and more abstract than painting or sketching...
But anyway, I wish I could say what I feel but I'm afraid to say it. I become a studdering idiot when it comes to things that matter to me.
Maybe I should check myself into the nervious hospital, learn to paint with my toes in a rubber room?
Or maybe get on high-powered anti-psychotics and have my testes drop off my body like ripe apples?
God, it's too hot to think in here....
D-
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006
My Chest Is Ticking
Current mood: contemplative
It's funny, thought process vs. reality.
You could think about one thing for months, have it rolling around your subconsious for longer, worry, fret and ponder on it for hours. But once it leave your mouth in some form or another, just when all the amassed psychic energy hits the air, it could turn into nothing or worse.
It's the science of people. Cause and effect. Chaos Theory wearing sneakers.
It's one thing to have cold facts on a sheet of paper, it's another to have emotions mixed in. Emotion bridges the gaps in logic which is unfortunate.
But when it comes to people emotions are the most important thing followed not so closely by facts.
It maybe a beautiful day today by some people's standards but you feel like shit so it isn't so beautiful.
Id, ego, and super-ego. Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Spock tells you the odds are 200000.45 o 1 that the sun will turn nova in five minutes, McCoy reacts passionately and says "Holy Shit, Jim! Those people are going to die! " Kirk makes the choice between saving the planet below or getting the hell out of there.
When you talk to people about emotion it's like defusing an atomic bomb. Especially when it comes to love. Everything on paper might make it all impossible, but if it's there, it's like the duct-tape of the universe.
To paraphrase a comedian who's name I can't remember "if love can't fix it, it's broke."
But the thing about love is ther has to be two. If it's just one, then it's just energy untapped. Like a keg of beer rolled down a hill and left to sit. It probably made Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear or Edgar Allen Poe drink himself into oblivion in a gutter in Baltimore.
But the difference between fact and reality hinges on how people communicate. It's all just a mass of butterflies in your stomache until whatever cat gets let out of the bag.
Or at least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
If I can make it 'til my birthday alive I'll be lucky....
D-
2:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Blue Saturday
My day wasn't my day to be well.
After having been up 'til around 5am I awoke in a beaten daze around 1:20 pm. I remembered I had to walk to work today and knew I had to get on the road at 2:30. This gave me an hour to get my shit together, such as it was.
I had alot on my mind, some of which is unfortunately too private to talk of here. And believe me I'd love to let it out and let it skitter around like kittens on a lenoluim floor.
So, I showered and shaved, checked e-mail, threw on work clothes. Couldn't find my heartburn pills which pissed me off. Didn't have time to have anything decent to eat so I grabbed a couple cookies and a Coke and hit the road. It's at least a mile walk to work so I had to hurry.
I think it had something to do with the lack of sleep, the rush to get to work, and the general state of my mind. Some of it had to do with that thing I can't tell you about. I felt like I was going to throw up a couple hours after I started working. My mind was on a merry-go-round. I felt like just sitting down and crying and hope it would stop. I hadn't felt like this since before I'd started taking the pills my doc prescribed me. I shudder to think what it would have felt like if I hadn't taken them.
Eventually I managed to get ahold of myself and make it through the day. I truly hate being like this. Having my emotions converge on me like angry dogs. I wish I wasn't alone. Sometimes I just want someone to touch my face and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not a greedy man. I don't wish for the perfect life. I just want to feel content and feel some passion in my life.
Oh well, enough grumbling.
D-
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Friday, July 14, 2006
Frodo, BWI, and Le Grande Morte
Current mood: contemplative
Something about today made me feel like something was going to end soon. It's that creeping shadow that settles in your heart.
In real life, unlike the movies, ending are less distinct unless someone croaks. That would be the end of someone. Le Grande Morte.But things in life end and we keep on going. Love affairs, Friendships, and Jobs.
Sometimes we have happy endings, but most endings aren't happy. The one's I was thinking of were of the "Frodo-loses-a-finger-at Mount-Doom-While-getting-rid-of-that-fucking-ring" type. Not so much an end but a horrendous turning point. Things have always been messy and hard in my life in that regard. I really and truly hate saying goodbye. In the past I've tried to avoid it because I become a giant girl about it.
I still have fresh memories of openly weeping at BWI airport the last time I saw my ex. Being seached for bombs and box cutters while your face is covered in tears and snot isn't something you forget easily...
I guess you could see an ending as the beginning of something else?
Or maybe I just had BK one too many times for one lifetime.
Or, the bright light is actually a train coming.
D-
3:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I Yam What I Yam
Current mood: contemplative
I guess you could say I don't have an inflated sense of self worth.Which isn't to say I don't have a sense of self. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to be like everyone else.
As a kid I wasn't one of those people who could be easily labeled. Most people prefer the people around them as easily quantifiable. Predictable, not quirky, within general norms. He's a jock, he's a brain, she's a cheerleader, etc.
I wasn't nerdy enough to hang with the D & D crowd, I didn't like rap music so that crowd was out, I wasn't into heavy metal and didn't smoke so that was out.
In the social scale of high school I was a ghost. Most people know some people from high school. Most of the people I knew were military brats.
"Here To Go" as Warren Ellis once wrote.
I've always been social teflon, just never stuck. The thing that got me through unscathed in high school is the one thing that keeps people away.
I'm not easily pidgeon-holed, I'm not pocket-sized for easy consumption, I'm not Mr. Happy Go Lucky, I'm not 6 foot 2 and have 6 pack abs.
I'm weird, odd, quirky, neurotic, I worry too much, I stay up too late and wake up late in the afternoon, I beat myself up sometimes, I try to make everyone happy to my own detriment, I have trouble making eye contact. I try too hard.
I'm depressed sometimes too.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm me. Even though sometimes I wish I wasn't. I've found out the hard way no matter where you go, there you are. I'd like to think that one day I'll be content with that.
D-
2:53 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
She Scares Me
She scares me
In that way that threatens to tear asunder any vestiges of sane thought
She scares me
By provoking my heart to wonder if love is possible again
She scares me
My mind makes somersalts to make it fit into my reality
This is crazy
That I'm even thinking of telling her how I feel
This is crazy
That if I think about it nothing else matters
This is crazy
That I'd die for her if she wanted me to
She scares me
That she probably feels nothing for me
She scares me
That I'd probably ruin everything
She scares me
That I'd feel like a fool and start crying
This is crazy
That I need to do it anyway
This is crazy
I should run away like a coward if I had any sense
She scares me
That I'd never get the chance
She scares me
That it means so much to me
I'm scared and I'm lonely
And I hope against hope
That She Sees Me
The way I see her
D-
12:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 10, 2006
Panic Attack
Current mood: crushed
It comes on like a wave
It drowns my senses in screaching data-dense hail
The doubt and pain lance through me
My stomache churns and threatens to drop through the floor
You wonder if what you feel is a lie
You wonder if it all will end in a mangled car-wreck of insanity
You feel like a decaying corpse on a busy interstate
The activity around you drones on around you leaving you alone in a crowded room
You feel the porceline on the back of your teeth turn to dust
Your jaw aches from keeping your mouth shut to keep from screaming
No one else can hear it but you
The sweat start to trickle down your neck and gives you a violent chill
You become delirious and start to mumble and pace
"What if.....what if.....what if...."
All you want to do is fall and dissappear
Run and hide
Bash your skull in or puch a hole through the wall
You start to call yourself everything in the book
"You fucking bastard, sick freak, deluded asshole. I hate you. Pull it together!"
Somehow some air makes it past the tendons in your throat and your start to breath again
Your reality starts to invade the fog of your emotional storm
It seems like an eternity has past but you look at your watch and it's been only a few minutes.
You damn yourself for being so fucked up and need to sit down and focus on not vomiting.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Because it's probably me.
D-
7:34 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 09, 2006
It's my party....
Current mood: contemplative
Recently I decided I really needed a couple days off from work. The place has been getting to me lately so I picked up a couple of leave forms.
With the way they schedule us at work we have to ask for time off nearly a month ahead of time. It's a huge pain in the ass. So I tried to figure out when to take my time off using my handy dandy cellphone datebook.
I looked and saw that my birthday is next month, goddamn, that snuck up on me.
The last time I had a birthday party here I was probably 5 years old. I absolutely hated it. I had all these cousins and kids from school who I didn't know playing with my stuff. It was the first and last one I had here.
When I was living back east for the two years I was with my ex she threw me two birthday parties. There was cake and barbeque and music with all of her family and our room-mates. It was pretty cool.
Now I'm back here again. I feel the need to get piss-drunk and forget how tragic my life is right now. I have some friends here now. I'm just starting to feel a type of comfort here. Being the arranger of my own party smacks of the way my parents MO. They always put the pressure on me as to how I want to spend my birthday. I have to pick out my own presents. I just wish they thought they knew me well enough to suprise me. The way I figure it I don't want to stress out about it all. Birthdays shouldn't be about stress and counting pennys. Christmas is the same way.
But hey, if you don't do for yourself who will do it for you (as shitty as it makes you feel)?
Well anyway, I got the time off approved. 5 days away from my job to do, or, not do anythinng I want. I'm sure the place will go on fine without me.
I don't want to sound tragic or anything. It's just that I have this lousy habit of "hoping" for things. Ultimately when they don't happen I blame myself.
I always try to see the good in people even when they end up hurting me. Ignoring me. It's comical, people hurt me and I opologize for bleeding on them, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, it's late. Sleep awaits.
D-
2:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Lancing @ Windmills
Current mood: tired
I had that sick feeling at work again.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to change enough to have a decent life. God do I feel used up lately. And this hot weather is making it impossible to sleep. I hate just laying there and sweating.
I think I should maybe stop talking to people anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I've become a bad joke.
I had one goal as of late and I completely chickened out on it. God help me I tried but the words wouldn't form in my mouth. There was never the right moment. The moment in the movies when the music swells and it all comes together. Movies are just bad when it comes to the inner psyche relating to reality.
My own personal reality is starting to become overwelmed with heart ache. Sometimes I feel mad at myself for not knowing how to make it better. I'm beyond beating myself up, I fear I've become numb to it.
Even the simplest things I want have become Don Quiote style lancing at windmills. I've become my own bully taking my own luch money.
Part of me wants to belong, wants to connect with people. The other part sees all the clues in people's eyes and says to run away.
I wonder how people look at me, do I make them nervious, do they quickly look away. Does the conversation end abruptly when I have trouble with eye contact? At least cruelty is honest.
I wish I didn't care. That I could go through life and not care what anyone thinks. Maybe that's the definition of happiness is...
5:07 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, July 21, 2006
Villians
Current mood: melancholy
Depression is my nemesis
Doubt and Fear are my enemy
Self Loathing is my drunk co-pilot
Sleep escapes me
Waking up is my crime
Love heckles me from the balcony
Logic walks in the dark basement
People are the things that leave me
My heart is a rabid wolverine
She is the thing I want in my life
Life evades me because I'm not fast enough
Desire hangs it's head and sighs
Hope ticks by and leaves when the heart dies
Death twirls it's gun and smiles
God takes a taxi to the beach
The Devil flies a kite
I fall again
3:00 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Thursday, July 20, 2006
It's hard to say "oh well, okay"
Current mood: cranky
Okay, just so's there's no confusion, I know the spot on which I stand looks kinda grim. I'm 33 years old, I don't drive, I live in my parents house, and I work retail (not making a living wage I might add). Also I'm not the most socially adept person in the world. I'm not stupid, alright? I know people are snickering behind my back. If my life were a boxing movie it would be about who stands in the ring and beats himself up.
I'm not braindead, I get it. I'm majorly fucked in the head, or is it the heart? I'm constantly at war with myself. I have some moment of zen when whatever task at hand gives me an escape. I get tired, I get obnoxious, sometimes I feel like giving up, I get moody, I'm a walking set of contradictions.
God I wish I was still doing sculpture. Kneading the clay 'till my knuckles pop! It was fun, It was 3d and more abstract than painting or sketching...
But anyway, I wish I could say what I feel but I'm afraid to say it. I become a studdering idiot when it comes to things that matter to me.
Maybe I should check myself into the nervious hospital, learn to paint with my toes in a rubber room?
Or maybe get on high-powered anti-psychotics and have my testes drop off my body like ripe apples?
God, it's too hot to think in here....
D-
2:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
My Chest Is Ticking
Current mood: contemplative
It's funny, thought process vs. reality.
You could think about one thing for months, have it rolling around your subconsious for longer, worry, fret and ponder on it for hours. But once it leave your mouth in some form or another, just when all the amassed psychic energy hits the air, it could turn into nothing or worse.
It's the science of people. Cause and effect. Chaos Theory wearing sneakers.
It's one thing to have cold facts on a sheet of paper, it's another to have emotions mixed in. Emotion bridges the gaps in logic which is unfortunate.
But when it comes to people emotions are the most important thing followed not so closely by facts.
It maybe a beautiful day today by some people's standards but you feel like shit so it isn't so beautiful.
Id, ego, and super-ego. Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Spock tells you the odds are 200000.45 o 1 that the sun will turn nova in five minutes, McCoy reacts passionately and says "Holy Shit, Jim! Those people are going to die! " Kirk makes the choice between saving the planet below or getting the hell out of there.
When you talk to people about emotion it's like defusing an atomic bomb. Especially when it comes to love. Everything on paper might make it all impossible, but if it's there, it's like the duct-tape of the universe.
To paraphrase a comedian who's name I can't remember "if love can't fix it, it's broke."
But the thing about love is ther has to be two. If it's just one, then it's just energy untapped. Like a keg of beer rolled down a hill and left to sit. It probably made Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear or Edgar Allen Poe drink himself into oblivion in a gutter in Baltimore.
But the difference between fact and reality hinges on how people communicate. It's all just a mass of butterflies in your stomache until whatever cat gets let out of the bag.
Or at least that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
If I can make it 'til my birthday alive I'll be lucky....
D-
2:58 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Blue Saturday
My day wasn't my day to be well.
After having been up 'til around 5am I awoke in a beaten daze around 1:20 pm. I remembered I had to walk to work today and knew I had to get on the road at 2:30. This gave me an hour to get my shit together, such as it was.
I had alot on my mind, some of which is unfortunately too private to talk of here. And believe me I'd love to let it out and let it skitter around like kittens on a lenoluim floor.
So, I showered and shaved, checked e-mail, threw on work clothes. Couldn't find my heartburn pills which pissed me off. Didn't have time to have anything decent to eat so I grabbed a couple cookies and a Coke and hit the road. It's at least a mile walk to work so I had to hurry.
I think it had something to do with the lack of sleep, the rush to get to work, and the general state of my mind. Some of it had to do with that thing I can't tell you about. I felt like I was going to throw up a couple hours after I started working. My mind was on a merry-go-round. I felt like just sitting down and crying and hope it would stop. I hadn't felt like this since before I'd started taking the pills my doc prescribed me. I shudder to think what it would have felt like if I hadn't taken them.
Eventually I managed to get ahold of myself and make it through the day. I truly hate being like this. Having my emotions converge on me like angry dogs. I wish I wasn't alone. Sometimes I just want someone to touch my face and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not a greedy man. I don't wish for the perfect life. I just want to feel content and feel some passion in my life.
Oh well, enough grumbling.
D-
12:37 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, July 14, 2006
Frodo, BWI, and Le Grande Morte
Current mood: contemplative
Something about today made me feel like something was going to end soon. It's that creeping shadow that settles in your heart.
In real life, unlike the movies, ending are less distinct unless someone croaks. That would be the end of someone. Le Grande Morte.But things in life end and we keep on going. Love affairs, Friendships, and Jobs.
Sometimes we have happy endings, but most endings aren't happy. The one's I was thinking of were of the "Frodo-loses-a-finger-at Mount-Doom-While-getting-rid-of-that-fucking-ring" type. Not so much an end but a horrendous turning point. Things have always been messy and hard in my life in that regard. I really and truly hate saying goodbye. In the past I've tried to avoid it because I become a giant girl about it.
I still have fresh memories of openly weeping at BWI airport the last time I saw my ex. Being seached for bombs and box cutters while your face is covered in tears and snot isn't something you forget easily...
I guess you could see an ending as the beginning of something else?
Or maybe I just had BK one too many times for one lifetime.
Or, the bright light is actually a train coming.
D-
3:54 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I Yam What I Yam
Current mood: contemplative
I guess you could say I don't have an inflated sense of self worth.Which isn't to say I don't have a sense of self. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to be like everyone else.
As a kid I wasn't one of those people who could be easily labeled. Most people prefer the people around them as easily quantifiable. Predictable, not quirky, within general norms. He's a jock, he's a brain, she's a cheerleader, etc.
I wasn't nerdy enough to hang with the D & D crowd, I didn't like rap music so that crowd was out, I wasn't into heavy metal and didn't smoke so that was out.
In the social scale of high school I was a ghost. Most people know some people from high school. Most of the people I knew were military brats.
"Here To Go" as Warren Ellis once wrote.
I've always been social teflon, just never stuck. The thing that got me through unscathed in high school is the one thing that keeps people away.
I'm not easily pidgeon-holed, I'm not pocket-sized for easy consumption, I'm not Mr. Happy Go Lucky, I'm not 6 foot 2 and have 6 pack abs.
I'm weird, odd, quirky, neurotic, I worry too much, I stay up too late and wake up late in the afternoon, I beat myself up sometimes, I try to make everyone happy to my own detriment, I have trouble making eye contact. I try too hard.
I'm depressed sometimes too.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm me. Even though sometimes I wish I wasn't. I've found out the hard way no matter where you go, there you are. I'd like to think that one day I'll be content with that.
D-
2:53 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
She Scares Me
She scares me
In that way that threatens to tear asunder any vestiges of sane thought
She scares me
By provoking my heart to wonder if love is possible again
She scares me
My mind makes somersalts to make it fit into my reality
This is crazy
That I'm even thinking of telling her how I feel
This is crazy
That if I think about it nothing else matters
This is crazy
That I'd die for her if she wanted me to
She scares me
That she probably feels nothing for me
She scares me
That I'd probably ruin everything
She scares me
That I'd feel like a fool and start crying
This is crazy
That I need to do it anyway
This is crazy
I should run away like a coward if I had any sense
She scares me
That I'd never get the chance
She scares me
That it means so much to me
I'm scared and I'm lonely
And I hope against hope
That She Sees Me
The way I see her
D-
12:33 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Monday, July 10, 2006
Panic Attack
Current mood: crushed
It comes on like a wave
It drowns my senses in screaching data-dense hail
The doubt and pain lance through me
My stomache churns and threatens to drop through the floor
You wonder if what you feel is a lie
You wonder if it all will end in a mangled car-wreck of insanity
You feel like a decaying corpse on a busy interstate
The activity around you drones on around you leaving you alone in a crowded room
You feel the porceline on the back of your teeth turn to dust
Your jaw aches from keeping your mouth shut to keep from screaming
No one else can hear it but you
The sweat start to trickle down your neck and gives you a violent chill
You become delirious and start to mumble and pace
"What if.....what if.....what if...."
All you want to do is fall and dissappear
Run and hide
Bash your skull in or puch a hole through the wall
You start to call yourself everything in the book
"You fucking bastard, sick freak, deluded asshole. I hate you. Pull it together!"
Somehow some air makes it past the tendons in your throat and your start to breath again
Your reality starts to invade the fog of your emotional storm
It seems like an eternity has past but you look at your watch and it's been only a few minutes.
You damn yourself for being so fucked up and need to sit down and focus on not vomiting.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Because it's probably me.
D-
7:34 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Sunday, July 09, 2006
It's my party....
Current mood: contemplative
Recently I decided I really needed a couple days off from work. The place has been getting to me lately so I picked up a couple of leave forms.
With the way they schedule us at work we have to ask for time off nearly a month ahead of time. It's a huge pain in the ass. So I tried to figure out when to take my time off using my handy dandy cellphone datebook.
I looked and saw that my birthday is next month, goddamn, that snuck up on me.
The last time I had a birthday party here I was probably 5 years old. I absolutely hated it. I had all these cousins and kids from school who I didn't know playing with my stuff. It was the first and last one I had here.
When I was living back east for the two years I was with my ex she threw me two birthday parties. There was cake and barbeque and music with all of her family and our room-mates. It was pretty cool.
Now I'm back here again. I feel the need to get piss-drunk and forget how tragic my life is right now. I have some friends here now. I'm just starting to feel a type of comfort here. Being the arranger of my own party smacks of the way my parents MO. They always put the pressure on me as to how I want to spend my birthday. I have to pick out my own presents. I just wish they thought they knew me well enough to suprise me. The way I figure it I don't want to stress out about it all. Birthdays shouldn't be about stress and counting pennys. Christmas is the same way.
But hey, if you don't do for yourself who will do it for you (as shitty as it makes you feel)?
Well anyway, I got the time off approved. 5 days away from my job to do, or, not do anythinng I want. I'm sure the place will go on fine without me.
I don't want to sound tragic or anything. It's just that I have this lousy habit of "hoping" for things. Ultimately when they don't happen I blame myself.
I always try to see the good in people even when they end up hurting me. Ignoring me. It's comical, people hurt me and I opologize for bleeding on them, metaphorically speaking.
Anyway, it's late. Sleep awaits.
D-
2:22 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
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